How did this happen? How did I get to this place in my life? Why is it that I am only 34 (yes I always have to double check how old I am) and feel like I have lived a lifetime? I feel my 34 years has brought me so much wisdom and opened my eyes and my heart to so much that I couldn't see or hear (before hearing aides!!!) before. It happened so fast...like a tornado. What a whirlwind it was...and in the same fashion it left. I am proud to say that as of right now...I am cancer free. My scans are clear, my labs are clear and as far as my team of oncologists are concerned (and lots of years of research behind them) I do not need chemo from this point on. How did this happen?
I went to my first appointment following my liver resection surgery on Friday to see my oncologist. This was the first time I was going to see her since I took my break from chemo to have surgery, and the time had come for me to finish out the treatment that we had decided on. Initially I was to finish 6 rounds of chemo, have surgery and then finish the remaining 6 rounds of chemo to complete the entire Folfiri treatment. The last 6 treatments were also to include an additional chemo drug call Cetuximab that really was only being taken to be OVERLY cautious because there was no known benefit to take it at that point. THIS is the chemo I had been having conflicting thoughts about in my head. Why take another chemo drug just to take it? If I didn't have the science to back it up, I was not completely sure I wanted to poison my body any more than I already was. So...I set off to my appointment Friday with three bullets on my agenda to take care of! 1. I needed refills of meds. I needed my zofran, ativan, prozac all refilled to get me by while starting chemo again. 2. I needed to discuss with my oncologist my fall resulting in a partial collapsed lung and the fact that everyone that was reading my most recent x-rays was continuing to tell me there was a "mass" that I needed to discuss with my oncologist. Last but not least #3....I wanted to discuss the "additional chemo" (the cetuximab) because I really was reluctant to take it. I needed to be reassured a little more by her that it was going to do some kind of good and not just be added misery to me for no reason. So...I did this...I knocked out #1, and #2 and when it got to #3 and I mentioned I was not sure if I wanted to take the additional chemo, her response was "I think that is a legitimate argument...and because there are no added benefits at this point to continue with it after my discussion with your Oncologist at MD Anderson, I think it is perfectly reasonable to stop taking it at this time." She continued with "We will schedule a followup CT in 1 month to look at your lungs, chest and abdomen again and get a very good picture, and then we will start every 4 month visits." I was not understanding her correctly and followed up with "sounds like a great plan, I will do the 4 month visits after my last 6 rounds of chemo (the folfiri)????" She responded. "No, you are done! At this point there is no need to continue with the chemo. With no evidence of the disease it is not shown to be effective at all through any research. Nothing backs up the fact that it would do any good as a preventative chemo and since you already tood the 12 rounds of folfox, you have already completed the preventative chemo that you would need." My oncologist and I were obviously not on the same page. I was talking about the Cetuximab as the "extra chemo" and she was talking about the last 6 folfiri treatments as the "extra chemo". When we finally did get on the same track and I realized what she was saying to me.....
I WAS SPEECHLESS!
It happened so fast. It was just over...just like that! A weight had been lifted off of me. I felt like I was given my life back. I had gone in to my appointment with the strength and determination to finish my last 6 chemo treatments and now I was being told I was done. At that moment I think I understood what it feels like to be released from a prison. To be given a true second chance at life. To be free. At that point everything changed. I had been planning on the next 3-4 months being filled with lots of mouth sores, vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion, fatigue, sickness, weakness....etc, etc, etc.... but now...I could mark through my calendar on the weeks I had chemo scheduled and dedicated to feeling like complete POO and could actually have a life! I could live! I could be a wife, a mother, a friend, again! I didn't have to be a burden to anyone, especially my mom who had become my caretaker. Things had changed. It was wonderful! I am beyond exstatic! I came home from my appointment and told Charly that I was not going to be having anymore "owies" (that is what she calls my chemo pump) and she was thrilled! I told Andrew and he was so excited. This opened up so much for us as a family! We are moving into our home this week, we will start fostering again, I can start working (part time) again, and things will turn around for us. We can get back on our feet and take a deep breath. We look forward to what the future brings!
This is not to say we are not scared to death...but we move forward with the strength and trust we can only find in our Lord and Savior...who through Him, all things are possible!
I am proud to say at this point, I am a 2 time cancer survivor! I did it. We did it. I couldn't have done it without you! Thank you again, I can't say it enough, for the love, support and encouragement you have shown me!
