I didn't shave my legs for this!

As I promised.  I will update.  Today was result day.  I was not ready for this.  I have never lost so much sleep worrying.  I am not a worrier.  I don't worry.  I never have. Worry is the work of the devil.  (well I don't worry much).  The fact is that this time going into my scan was the worst I have felt physically since January 2011 when this all started.  My body is worn down.  Tired.  Weak.  It needs a break.  I can't seem to catch one either. 

The great news is that today my scans were found clear of cancer!  PRAISE GOD!  I was telling my mom the other day... going through chemo is much easier than not when you have or had cancer.  At least you feel like you are doing something to fight back.  At this point...It feels as if I am just waiting for the floor to fall underneath me.  It feels like it is just a matter of time before it is back.  I hate this feeling.  It is a never ending battle going on inside my head.  I want to be so happy I am cancer free...but I don't want to get too excited or to comfortable thinking it will not come back.  I know from experience what can happen.  I also told my mom today...I want nothing more than complete healing from cancer....but I don't pray for that.  I never have.  God knows what I want.  I also know what He can do.  My prayer to God is that whatever the outcome is...that He will just walk with me, holding my hand and give me the strength to get through it.  That might mean I end up with total healing, or that might mean I end up hanging out in heaven...either way I have never been afraid.  It is the peace that passes all understanding. I am blessed. 

The bad news today was that although my scan did not show any cancer!!!...it did show that I have a pulmonary embolism.  (a blood clot in my lung).  I kind of laughed about it and said, "am I going to die from this?!"  and my doctors response was "well, they can be fatal (which I knew) and I have been thinking about how to treat it for the past two days.  It has me concerned.  You just can't make things easy for me, can you?"  WOW!  SO..... although I am pretty confident I am NOT going to die from this, I have been put on daily shots of a blood thinner (Lovenox) for the next 3-6 months, depending on the result of my ultrasounds today.  Oh...yeah....did I mention I had to go have my legs  ultrasounded today!  WHAT?!?!?  I didn't shave my legs, and haven't for awhile..., I didn't slap on any fake tan, I was wearing underwear with holes in them....WHAT?!?!?!?!  I was definitely not ready for someone to be rubbing all over my legs...and unfortunately it was going to happen today (as my doctor wrote the order for ASAP) and it was going to happen with the male species performing the ultrasound.  LORD YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!  I DO NOT LIKE IT SOMETIMES! I was just thankful the room was dimly lit....and that it only took 45 minutes!  Yes... I did say 45 minutes.  I swear sometimes I think these things happen to me so I can seriously laugh it off.  It actually wasn't too bad.  But...then again...I have learned a lesson the hard way.  SHAVE YOUR LEGS ALWAYS...RELIGIOUSLY WEAR FAKE TAN...and throw away underwear with holes in them.  Why is it that I have to learn things the hard way?

I have not heard the results yet from my ultrasounds, but I am assuming they are ok...my doctor is pretty good at scaring informing me.  If this episode of my life gets a little crazier I will update and keep you informed! :)  Please pray for me.  Pray for my family that has been dealing with this as well.  It is never easy....on anyone! 

The good news is that as I will be giving myself shots daily, I can teach Charly that they don't hurt to prepare her for her 4 year well check up!  4 years old...can you believe it!  Thank you for checking in on me! 

now we wait.....

I have never felt so unsure before.  I have never had such a restless nights sleep over a CT scan.  I broke down crying the other day...this is hard.  Cancer is hard.  I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same.  I can never be normal again.  I know I have to move on and find my new "normal", but it feels like I am stuck.  I am having a hard time taking the first step. I came home from my appointment today just EXHAUSTED from stress and sick from the contrast.....

Today I had my CT scan.  I gulp down glass after glass of nasty contrast and then do the 10 minute CT Scan and PRAY the entire time while they push some more nasty stuff in my port.  I know either way I will be ok...regardless of the results.  I just hate the unknown and hate waiting.  I really want to go back to a time in my life where CT scans, labs and doctors appointments were not part of my regular routine.  I didn't have this in mind for me when I thought of growing up. 

Friday I have my appointment to meet with my doctor and go over results of the scan and lab work.  I will update again.  Until then....get on your knees and pray for me! :)