moving in the right direction...

I never imagined getting another job. Silly me! I loved my job at the prison and the group of people I worked with mixed together so nicely to create my own family away from home. I loved it. I never had a job that I woke up every morning WANTING to go to work. I became close friends with many of the people that worked there and in my heart I was content to stay for a very long time. That didn't last long. My time was quickly up. Thank you very much Stage III colon cancer....yes, you definitely suck. You suck for many reasons, but one of my biggest reasons is because you made me leave the comfort of my home away from home...my life...my love...my job! So...now after clinging to every piece of fiber my old life and old job had to offer me...I have had to move on and start a new journey. SCARY! Not so much in the fact that I had to start a new job...but maybe more that I am branching out and going to be connected to an entirely new group of people and they don't know me. They aren't my family...yet!
Hind sight is a funny thing. I look back on my last year and think to myself..."self...that wasn't so bad". Then I look back on this blog and think, "self, what are you saying...that totally sucked!". Now that I am past the worst part, some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days I think this "emotional" stuff is the hard part. All I know is...I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE A YEAR LIKE THAT AGAIN!
So...I've been enjoying the last few months of working when I want to, staying home with my daughter when I want to, cooking meals for my family (thank you pinterest), cleaning my home and watching trash tv (because nothing else is on during the day). It is time for me to go back to work. Not only because I have caught my daughter chanting "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY" from another room...because seriously...I don't let her watch that trash...but I need some routine, some normalcy, a life! I need to find myself again, to have those connections again and to move on. I need to live.
I finally think I found "THE JOB" that I will like, and hopefully LOVE. The one that will make my heart swell with pride, with love, with accomplishment! Working at a free clinic in downtown KC should prove to be interesting and never have a boring moment! I am looking forward to it. Although I will miss being able to snuggle with Charly in the morning, have picnics with her on the front step, go on adventures with her during the day, and just PLAY...I think it will be good for both of us to get back to a life we both love...structure, routine...life.
I seem to do much better on a schedule, as does she! I am looking forward to it all, and not because I am trying to convince myself it is what we need, what I need...but because, really...it is what I want!

A week from today I will have my 3 month CT Scan. Is this scary to me...HELL YES! I worry about what could happen. I go to bed at night and think...I never got a brain scan...my head hurts...could it be cancer? I have had a pain from my left knee to my foot...holy crap...I have bone cancer now. The back of my right ear itches throughout the day...skin cancer maybe? I'm serious! You can't have a pain, itch or weird feeling without thinking you have cancer. Am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I'm afraid of that. And let me tell you...it is no fun! I am nervous for the CT scan, but there is something deep down that tells me I will be fine. I've got to catch a break somewhere...now is my time!

The day after my CT scan is our first home visit for our home study. Yes, we are at it again. Completing classes for foster care/adoption and getting a home study. We most definitely want to expand our family, and more than that...Charly desperately needs a sibling. (Because believe me...I don't desperately need more work and responsibility added to my life...but I would gladly take it on!). If you are reading this and know someone...know of a baby...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME!!!! I know there are babies out there...I just need to find one! :) My family is not complete yet...

So...there is alot going on the next few weeks...CT scan, home visit, starting a new job March 5th!!!, and my days of hanging with my baby are coming to a close...I have another week to soak it up, and believe me...I WILL!

Today is going to be a fabulous day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!

happy anniversary...

Wednesday marks my 1 year anniversary of the day I started chemo. I feel silly having these "anniversaries", but they mean so much to me. I asked my husband last week, "what did we do last year on the day after valentines day?"....he didn't know. My heart was crushed a little. Then I thought about it. There were many "firsts" for me this past year that were HUGE events in my life, and maybe not so huge to anyone else... My first surgery, my diagnosis, the day I got my port, my first day of chemo, when I got rid of my colostomy bag, when I stopped chemo, when I became "cancer free"... then there were the not so big events, that were still big events...the first time I changed my colostomy by myself, when my steri strips came off, when my drains got pulled, when I finally pooped again...some seem silly, but all were big deals to me. This past year was so big that sometimes I haven't even had a chance to sit back and realize what all I really went through. I mean...I feel it with ever step I take now, thanks to the horrible pain I have been left with in my feet, and I see it when I look in the mirror only to realize that the person looking back is not "me"...that I don't feel like me...that I've been through this battle and came out on the other end victorious, but damaged...older, fatter and definitely more painful...but I have to be thankful for making it to the other side and winning. I may have some battle wounds to fix, but I am here, I am healthy, I am alive. I get to be around to enjoy everything, and I do! I breath in my daughter, I soak up my husband, I wake up every morning grateful for what I have, what I have accomplished, and for what is to come. For an entire year, cancer was my life...now I'm gearing up for an entire year of fighting the effects of cancer...and I believe this battle may be a little tougher. I have pain to deal with, weight to loose and a lifestyle to change. I want to live to watch my family grow, to see my daughter's children grow and to enjoy every minute of it. I celebrate my last year's anniversaries because they were big...I mean...BIG! My outcome could have been much different...I rejoice in what I have, what I've accomplished and what I won. I will continue to celebrate my "anniversaries", even if they only meant something to me....even if I am the only one to acknowledge them...they are my days...my celebrations...my accomplishments...and they are BIG!

Happy Anniversary Jen! You did it. You survived. You rocked chemo and kicked cancers arse. Celebrate!

Today was a great day...but I'm betting tomorrow will be even better!