Dreams

I had a flashback moment! Last night I was laying in bed, and just as I was about to close my eyes for the last time and go to that place that feels so good...I heard it. The sound of my chemo pump. Well, the same sound that my chemo pump use to make at night and for the ENTIRE 46 hours I would have to lug around that awful pump that was attached to me. It was like a mini nightmare in the blink of an eye. I heard that sound and it brought me right back to last year. It was terrible. I have been thinking about my cancer treatments lately, and mostly my chemo. I have a friend that has a close friend going through it right now. She calls on me to comfort her and answer her questions. I do not mind. In fact it makes me feel like a seasoned pro. Although I do not claim to be any kind of cancer/chemo pro, I do know what I went through and what it is like. I comfort her. I give her advice. I let her know that there is an end in sight... I am planning on meeting with her friend when he is out of the hospital and feeling up to it. I want to give him support and encouragement and let him know that it will not be forever. That there is an end. That I do know how awful it is and I have great empathy for him. Cancer is a bitch.

My baby is turning 3 tomorrow. Time is going by so fast. It's wierd how when things really suck, time seems to just kind of stop, and then when things are great...it just skips on past you and before you know it, your baby is 3. 3! 3!! 3!!! Not that i want my baby to be a baby anymore, because I am really enjoying this age...but it would be nice if she would just kind of pause for a minute and let me breath and take her in. I'm in love with her. More than any momma could ever be in love with a child. I remember clearly this time 3 years ago... I didn't want to go to sleep because I just KNEW we would be going to the hospital. I just knew it... and then...we got the call at 3 am! We rushed to pick up her birthmom and dad and drive them to the hospital. Andrew and I were beyond excited, and nervous and more than anything scared. Scared of the unknown...scared of what COULD happen, and scared for what we wanted to happen. We had wanted a baby for so long to make our marriage into the family we always dreamed of. We couldn't have been given a more perfect child for us. She is everything I would possibly want in a child. She has the best of both of us and I think we couldn't have created a more perfect child for us. We are blessed. My mom mentioned to me today how she feels that my cancer was a blessing. I'm not sure I would go as far as she did in describing my past year and cancer as a BLESSING, but she is right...there are things that have come to be because of my cancer. I have stopped to take things in. I have stepped back and decided what is really important. As much as I totally miss my old life...my old everything, I am enjoying the time with my daughter, being a MOM, a WIFE, an AUNT, a DAUGHTER, a SISTER, and really really really enjoying it. I love being me again...and better than that...an even BETTER me! (well...on the inside anyway! :)) I just wanted to make a quick post to let you know (if I do still have any readers :)... that I am living, loving life, doing fine and happy. Cancer wise...I have an appointment in 1 week for a port flush. Those monthly appointments really make the time fly. I've convinced myself that I am keeping my port until my next set of scans. I have this weird thing about jinxing myself and right now...keeping it puts me at ease. It is funny how I use to dread having my port accessed...mainly because it meant I was getting chemo, which sucked, but also it reminded me every time that I had CANCER... now it kind of reminds me that I don't have cancer... and it comforts me. Plus I'm a chicken and not ready to have it removed. So...enjoy the rest of your week. I'm going to love on my two year old for the last time tonight... and enjoy our fun day tomorrow of celebrating 3! We have a fabulous day planned! Today was a great day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better...CAKE, ICE CREAM and PRESENTS....who could ask for more???! :)

beautiful weekend...

Camping at the lake was fabulous! Charly loved her first camping trip (minus the showers in the bath house), and can't wait to go again in May! I live for weekends like this! As promised...pictures..

almost like Christmas...

I have never been this excited before. Well...it has been a long time! In 2 days we are leaving for our first camping trip with Charly! When we got her, we sold our boat and our camper knowing we wouldn't be camping at least for the first year or so...looking back now, we could have...we should have! Last year I missed out on a full year of camping! It was awful! This year will be different. We have bought another boat (Andrew's toy) and most recently we replaced our missing camper with a bigger, nicer, newer one, and I am so excited to use it! Charly is excited too! She has not stopped talking about camping! We bought her a pink fishing pole and she has been practicing! The girl has got it down. She will out fish us all...I promise you that! I'm pretty sure life could not get much better than this!

I'm looking forward to the nice weather, the lake, sitting by the fire, and enjoying my family!!! Pictures to come!

the way it feels....

There have been a few mornings that I sit either on the front porch, or in my livingroom looking out the big window into my front yard and admire my beautiful red bud tree, and I think to myself...It feels good to feel good. You really don't know how good you feel, until the only way you feel is bad. I am over joyed that I am getting back to "normal" and feeling good. It almost makes my last year a big blur to me...something I would like to forget, and then again, something I want to remember. I don't want to go back to last year for anything, but it has definitely opened my eyes to an entirely new life for me. I sit and think about amazing things. I realize just how special life is. I feel good.

Time just keeps on going...I had my 3 month cancer free check up. My appointment was good. My CT Scan came back good. My labs are good. I got the all clear to remove my port, and that couldn't make me happier! (Now I just have to schedule that!) The next thing I get to look forward to is my yearly colonoscopy...oh joy! This time around I will go into it with a smile on my face and grateful!!! I won't be going number 2 in a bag, and that is a huge, HUGE, HUGE relief to me. (sorry if that was a little too much info for you!)

Although I thought I was ready to get back to working full time, I have decided to be kind to myself. I feel like I missed out on last year with my baby, and I have opted to stay home with her and enjoy her a little longer! We are becoming "best friends" and I am thoroughly loving every minute of being around her. She tests me, and keeps me on my toes. I have definitely been blessed with a hand full!

Sorry my updates have not been as frequent. Life is definitely great at the moment, and I and soaking it all in. It just feels good to feel good!

quick update...

Going to the oncologist is never fun. I hate being surrounded by cancer patients and sick people, some of which are dying. It is just plain uncomfortable. Nobody likes being around sick people...not even sick people! Really, nobody wants to be surrounded by cancer patients either...not even cancer patients. It is just not my idea of fun. I sit there thinking about how they are feeling and what must be going through their heads...because probably at one time I was feeling the same way, or thinking the same thoughts. My heart literally aches for them. My mom thinks I should be an oncology nurse...I disagree. I do however feel that all oncology nurses and physicians should go through a round of chemo...whether they need it or not...heck, it could be beneficial and preventative as well as teach them a thing or two about what chemo is really like...about what CANCER is REALLY like. It down right sucks. Every time I go back to the oncologist I see a new young person and my heart breaks a little more. It is heart wrenching to watch a young couple console eachother before a chemo treatment. I get to witness this. It's rough. Be thankful if you have never had a close relationship with cancer...it's no walk in the park.

So...I went in Friday for my scan. CT Scans are not my friend. I am not a fan of barium, although I can't complain. The last two CT Scans I got, came with a lovely surprise...barium enema. NO THANK YOU! Thank goodness my doctor here doesn't do that. It is just rather unpleasant and humiliating. So this time I gladly drank my barium, knowing there would be no surprise waiting for me.

I did the regular weigh in (worst part of the visit!) and sat down to get my port accessed. HURT LIKE HELL...I'll definitely be thankful when that sucker is out. My blood was drawn for routine labs and then my visit with the doctor...

She is such a great doctor and listens to me and is very compassionate. I am thankful I found her. I did not learn much from this visit and she wants to see me back on Friday for the results of my CT Scan. She also ordered an MRI for my leg pain. Probably a torn meniscus, but we're checking for sure. Nothing to fix the neuropathy in my hands and feet at this time, as it comes and goes, except your regular old IBUPROFIN.

All in all, the day was ok and went rather smoothly. I will update after my appointment on Friday!

moving in the right direction...

I never imagined getting another job. Silly me! I loved my job at the prison and the group of people I worked with mixed together so nicely to create my own family away from home. I loved it. I never had a job that I woke up every morning WANTING to go to work. I became close friends with many of the people that worked there and in my heart I was content to stay for a very long time. That didn't last long. My time was quickly up. Thank you very much Stage III colon cancer....yes, you definitely suck. You suck for many reasons, but one of my biggest reasons is because you made me leave the comfort of my home away from home...my life...my love...my job! So...now after clinging to every piece of fiber my old life and old job had to offer me...I have had to move on and start a new journey. SCARY! Not so much in the fact that I had to start a new job...but maybe more that I am branching out and going to be connected to an entirely new group of people and they don't know me. They aren't my family...yet!
Hind sight is a funny thing. I look back on my last year and think to myself..."self...that wasn't so bad". Then I look back on this blog and think, "self, what are you saying...that totally sucked!". Now that I am past the worst part, some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days I think this "emotional" stuff is the hard part. All I know is...I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE A YEAR LIKE THAT AGAIN!
So...I've been enjoying the last few months of working when I want to, staying home with my daughter when I want to, cooking meals for my family (thank you pinterest), cleaning my home and watching trash tv (because nothing else is on during the day). It is time for me to go back to work. Not only because I have caught my daughter chanting "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY" from another room...because seriously...I don't let her watch that trash...but I need some routine, some normalcy, a life! I need to find myself again, to have those connections again and to move on. I need to live.
I finally think I found "THE JOB" that I will like, and hopefully LOVE. The one that will make my heart swell with pride, with love, with accomplishment! Working at a free clinic in downtown KC should prove to be interesting and never have a boring moment! I am looking forward to it. Although I will miss being able to snuggle with Charly in the morning, have picnics with her on the front step, go on adventures with her during the day, and just PLAY...I think it will be good for both of us to get back to a life we both love...structure, routine...life.
I seem to do much better on a schedule, as does she! I am looking forward to it all, and not because I am trying to convince myself it is what we need, what I need...but because, really...it is what I want!

A week from today I will have my 3 month CT Scan. Is this scary to me...HELL YES! I worry about what could happen. I go to bed at night and think...I never got a brain scan...my head hurts...could it be cancer? I have had a pain from my left knee to my foot...holy crap...I have bone cancer now. The back of my right ear itches throughout the day...skin cancer maybe? I'm serious! You can't have a pain, itch or weird feeling without thinking you have cancer. Am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I'm afraid of that. And let me tell you...it is no fun! I am nervous for the CT scan, but there is something deep down that tells me I will be fine. I've got to catch a break somewhere...now is my time!

The day after my CT scan is our first home visit for our home study. Yes, we are at it again. Completing classes for foster care/adoption and getting a home study. We most definitely want to expand our family, and more than that...Charly desperately needs a sibling. (Because believe me...I don't desperately need more work and responsibility added to my life...but I would gladly take it on!). If you are reading this and know someone...know of a baby...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME!!!! I know there are babies out there...I just need to find one! :) My family is not complete yet...

So...there is alot going on the next few weeks...CT scan, home visit, starting a new job March 5th!!!, and my days of hanging with my baby are coming to a close...I have another week to soak it up, and believe me...I WILL!

Today is going to be a fabulous day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!