enough to make you cry

I got a call today. I got a bunch of calls today. Mostly from doctors offices, insurance stuff, the hospital, home health, you name it...I am feeling older by the minute. One call in particular brought some disturbing news. It was a call about the lab work they are doing on my cancer-schmancer tumor. Now this is a lab that I really don't know much about, but figure is kind of important since the Oncologist ordered it right away. This is the lab that will cost me 3200.00! When I heard the news, I was immediately crushed. Tears welled up. I never even paid attention to the lady on the phone offering us assistance with the cost. All I heard on the other end of the phone was, "YOU HAVE CANCER, YOU WILL NOW PAY AN ARM AND A LEG TO SURVIVE". This is devastating. This is enough to make you cry.


On a brighter note. I am a 32 year old woman, who just had her first home health visit. I was lucky enough to have the visit from a friend of mine that was so kind and good to me. She will be a comfort knowing that I will have a familiar face in this very unfamiliar journey I am about to take. Did I mention today I hate cancer and more than that I really hate what cancer has already done to my body.


Today was better than yesterday, and I am sure tomorrow will be even better.

I was happy today when my daughter got to sit on the couch with me and read the new books her mee maw bought her.

I was happy today that I got out of the house with my mom and got to spend time with her.

I was happy today when I saw my husband help my mom with her new cell phone. My husband is so kind.

It is the little things sometimes.

Today was a good day, but tomorrow will be even better!

a week ago today...

A week ago today I was trying to poop. A week ago today was very different than today. A week ago today I didn't know I had cancer, and I was ok with that. A week ago today I was a different person. Today, things are different. Things are complicated. Things are life changing.

I am a 32 year old mother of an adopted almost 2 year old daughter. You wouldn't be able to tell she was adopted, and I am quick to tell people she is. It is something I am extremely proud of. I suffered for quite some time to be able to say Ihave a daughter and it pleases me to no end that she is adopted and the love of my life. That suffering was worth it. I ended up with her. I ended up happy. I ended up content. I ended up whole.

I am a 32 year old mother of an adopted almost 2 year old daughter and a week ago I found out I have cancer. I would like to say I "had" cancer, and the horrific surgery I went through removed it all, but at this point, I have to say I "have" cancer. This is a fact I have not grasped yet. It will take some time.

I have a friend that has asked me to blog. My first thought was that people who blog about cancer die. I don't want to die. Remember, I have a daughter that I fought hard for...I can't die yet. So I thought about it and decided...it would be good to blog about it. First, it would get some things off my chest. Second, it would let people know how I am and give them some kind of an idea what I am going through. Lastly, it will bring prayers my way, and I can use all the prayers I can get.

I have to warn whoever reads this... I am not a writer. These are my thoughts. They come with errors and need some editting, but this is it... raw.

So... I will get to the story of how this happened, but tonight, I start the blog with a quote that a friend wrote me in a note today that will probably be the theme to my life while I am going through this. TODAY IS BETTER THAN YESTERDAY, BUT TOMORROW WILL BE EVEN BETTER.

today i smiled when i saw my husband sing a song while my daughter danced to it.
today i smiled when my daughter said "mommy, i love you".

Today was a good day, but tomorrow will be even better.