I am allowed to have difficult days. I am human. But that doesn't mean I am not thankful for this past year! Crazy as it may sound... and as much as I say how hard 2011 was for me and how I wouldn't relive it....I am thankful for it. I am thankful I survived it...and much more!
I went to church today. It felt good. I have not been in a long while...mostly because I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to get myself ready and go...today i felt great and I went. It was about being thankful...for everything. As hard of a year as I had...I have been thankful through it all. I have never once been angry at God for what has happened to me...and I have continued to thank him through it all.
The things I am thankful for...that you might not have known:
1. I am thankful I didn't poop for 12 days and had to have surgery...Why??? Because they found my cancer!
2. I am thankful that I got a poop bag that was attached to me for months! Why??? Because it humbled me...and gave me an appreciation and empathy for those that have one.
3. I am thankful I started chemo, despite the fact that initially my doctor gave me an "out"! Why??? Because after my first surgery when everyone (including me) thought my cancer was gone...it was still there!
4. I am thankful I had my second surgery! Why??? Not only did I get rid of my bag, but they found a lymph node that still had cancer!
5. I am thankful that I have experienced all these side effects from chemo! WHY???? Good question...but it really has softened my heart, especially to those going through chemo.
6. I am thankful that I was put on steroids! Why??? Not only did I have a reason to eat whatever I wanted :) but it also made my chemo bearable!
7. I am thankful that every other week I had to spend the majority of a day at the cancer center! WHY??? Because I got to spend some quality time with my mom and know how much she really loves me! (I knew already, but this truly was an amazing amount of love she showed me!)
8. I am thankful that we moved! WHY??? As much as I want to move back and love my friends and neighbors back in Jefferson City... My daughter now gets to be close to her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and I have an amazing doctor here!!!! This has made it all worth the move!
9. I am thankful that my body is now scared up and frankly...pretty nasty looking! Why??? Because despite it all...and how horrible I look, my husband still loves me, and shows it every day!
10. I am thankful everyday for 2011!
And then of course things I am thankful for that you probably already know:
1. MY FAMILY
2. MY FRIENDS
3. MY DOCTORS
4. MY LIFE
5. GOOD DAYS
6. REST
7. BEING DONE!!!!!
8. 2012
Today was a great day! (and I am thankful for that!) Tomorrow will be even better.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
This is life...and it is hard!
I had a difficult day. I drove home from Jefferson City after spending 2 days there working and being surrounded by the people that I have come to love over the past 7 years. I was upset. My life was great. I loved my job. I loved my friends. I loved my neighbors. Damn you cancer!
So on my way home I was flipping through the radio and heard this Martina McBride song...about cancer. It made me cry. I heard it on the radio twice on the way home. Both times...I cried. People driving by must have had a great show. I was a blubbering idiot. Crying...Talking out loud. You know...not a pretty sight. I needed it though. I needed to hear that song. I needed to cry. I needed to purge. I did. It felt good. I hope I don't hear that song again.
I thought about so much on my way home. How I can't help but think my life will be shortened. How I miss my old life. How scared I truly am, and never admit it. How I needed to cry. How I have been making it by faking it. How much I have neglected my husband, my daughter, my home, myself. How I really have had an incredibly hard year...and it isn't over yet. As much as I don't want to admit it, my biggest fear at this moment is my upcoming trip to MD Anderson. Deep down I really think things are fine and I have this whole cancer thing in the bag...never to resurface...but I also thought that before. But...and there really is a BUT....what if my scans don't come back clear? What if my labs are abnormal? What if there is another surgery in my future? What if I have to go back on chemo? I am terrified. I don't think I could take the bad news. I am emotionally drained. I have had it. So...if you are reading this...please say a prayer for me...pray that I am healed. pray that I get some peace. pray that this cancer has been evicted. I need it. I need it to be over. I need to start 2012 on a good note and take 2011 as a lesson learned, because boy did I learn some lessons. This is life...and it is hard.
I definitely don't want to be a cry baby, and I feel that I have been very stoic throughout my fight with cancer. I have kept my crying to a minimum and I have tried not to feel sorry for myself. Being surrounded by people with cancer really puts things in perspective. I look good on the outside, but I feel awful on the inside. I should be blessed that I am so "healthy" and doing well. I should be happy I am not dying anytime soon (at least I hope not)...because there really are people out there fighting for their life right now. People that have little ones at home that need them to be around, and they won't...I really am blessed. I just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, even if it was only for 20 minutes and that I got to put my thoughts into words to purge my pain and move forward. I have been able to tell everyone I am doing "ok" and getting by with very little sympathy, which is the way I want it. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted to accomplish my 12 treatments, and I did. I am ok. I will make it. I just needed a little cry baby time...thanks for listening.
Today was a good day...I can't complain...I'm off chemo! Tomorrow will be so much better! I'm taking my pump back to St. Lukes Cancer Center...I hated that thing! So glad to be free of it!
So on my way home I was flipping through the radio and heard this Martina McBride song...about cancer. It made me cry. I heard it on the radio twice on the way home. Both times...I cried. People driving by must have had a great show. I was a blubbering idiot. Crying...Talking out loud. You know...not a pretty sight. I needed it though. I needed to hear that song. I needed to cry. I needed to purge. I did. It felt good. I hope I don't hear that song again.
I thought about so much on my way home. How I can't help but think my life will be shortened. How I miss my old life. How scared I truly am, and never admit it. How I needed to cry. How I have been making it by faking it. How much I have neglected my husband, my daughter, my home, myself. How I really have had an incredibly hard year...and it isn't over yet. As much as I don't want to admit it, my biggest fear at this moment is my upcoming trip to MD Anderson. Deep down I really think things are fine and I have this whole cancer thing in the bag...never to resurface...but I also thought that before. But...and there really is a BUT....what if my scans don't come back clear? What if my labs are abnormal? What if there is another surgery in my future? What if I have to go back on chemo? I am terrified. I don't think I could take the bad news. I am emotionally drained. I have had it. So...if you are reading this...please say a prayer for me...pray that I am healed. pray that I get some peace. pray that this cancer has been evicted. I need it. I need it to be over. I need to start 2012 on a good note and take 2011 as a lesson learned, because boy did I learn some lessons. This is life...and it is hard.
I definitely don't want to be a cry baby, and I feel that I have been very stoic throughout my fight with cancer. I have kept my crying to a minimum and I have tried not to feel sorry for myself. Being surrounded by people with cancer really puts things in perspective. I look good on the outside, but I feel awful on the inside. I should be blessed that I am so "healthy" and doing well. I should be happy I am not dying anytime soon (at least I hope not)...because there really are people out there fighting for their life right now. People that have little ones at home that need them to be around, and they won't...I really am blessed. I just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, even if it was only for 20 minutes and that I got to put my thoughts into words to purge my pain and move forward. I have been able to tell everyone I am doing "ok" and getting by with very little sympathy, which is the way I want it. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted to accomplish my 12 treatments, and I did. I am ok. I will make it. I just needed a little cry baby time...thanks for listening.
Today was a good day...I can't complain...I'm off chemo! Tomorrow will be so much better! I'm taking my pump back to St. Lukes Cancer Center...I hated that thing! So glad to be free of it!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
the longest 9 1/2 months ever...EVER
I did it! I have finished all 12 treatments. It only took 9 1/2 months (3 1/2 months longer than normal), but I did it. 2 surgeries, 12 treatments, lots of tears, prayers and sleepless nights! I am done. I kicked some cancer arse! I am so proud of myself. I couldn't be happier. At 11:11 a.m. I was officially disconnected (facebook reported it was 9:08 since every clock in my house is wrong!). I pulled out my needle and was done! I couldn't have done it without my support system which has rocked and kicked cancer's arse as well! All the prayers, thoughts, calls, emails, texts, cards, gifts, EVERYTHING...I am greatful! I love you all! Thank you for sticking beside me, encouraging me, having a wonderful benefit for me, it pushed me forward, it kept me strong, it was what I needed. 2011 was a rough year for me, and I am looking forward to 2012...good things to come. Time with my family. Time to recoup. Time to move on! Love you all!!!!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
the time has come....
TO CELEBRATE! Unfortunately I can not believe I totally forgot my camera to one of the most important days of my life (aside from the day I was born, married and my baby girl was born). My very last (fingers crossed and lots of prayers)chemo treatment was yesterday. I never thought this day would come. I didn't even mind getting a needle in my chest, despite how much it hurts (both physically and emotionally), I was ready for it...happy for it...ready for this to be done.
My appointments go like this...
I get there and first thing I have to do...which is probably one of my least favorite things to do, is get weighed in. OMG I could do without having to see my weight constantly go up every 2 weeks...BUT on the plus side...after tomorrow I am officially OFF the steroids! Now I am praying my weight will steadily go down just as much as it steadily went up. I'm thinking this will take me a little work, but that never scared me before.:)
After weighing in...I find a seat in the infusion center and get my vitals done and port accessed for a blood draw. Since the day my needle came out of my port at 3 am, I am a bit of a freak about securing it down. My nurses know this and accommodate my request now without me having to ask. I put the reinforcement down on that dang needle...lots of tape, and a few secured dressings. NO MORE CHEMO BURNS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
As soon as my blood has been drawn, I wait to be called back to see my doctor. I absolutely love her. Moving was totally worth it for HER (among other reasons, although I desperately want to move back!). I went back to see her along with my husband, who accompanied me to my LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!! Dr. Y is such a fabulous person and a fantastic doctor! I love her. She set up my next appointment in MARCH, which will be full of scans and labs, and we talked about what happens NOW.
Now...I will have to have monthly port flushes, which we set up for the next 4 months. I go to MD Anderson in December for a battery of scans, labs, x-rays, genetic counseling visits, and last but not least a doctors appointment with THE BEST COLON CANCER ONCOLOGIST EVER! (just my opinion, but it could possibly be true) After this appointment I won't have to go back (except for port flushes) till March and from there I will see my doctor in KC every 4 months for the first year. In July I will have to have my 3rd ever Colonoscopy...which I will have to get every year for the first 3 years and then every 5 years probably forever. OH JOY! :) When I was in visiting my doctor she had not received the results of my labs, and I was PRAYING they would be good. And of course they were. Prayers answered!!! This meant I would be able to finally get my last chemo treatment....lucky number 12. Doctor Y and I did discuss the need for my shot on Friday. I brought it up and asked if I needed to get it, since this was my last chemo treatment and I could just let my body build itself back up. She told me that was a reasonable request and granted it to me...so I was ecstatic...NO NEULASTA SHOT FRIDAY!!!! I will not be hurting all weekend...although I may be worn down, but I can deal with that.
After I see Dr. Y I go back to the infusion room to wait for her to put my orders in and then start my chemo. I got there at 8:30 am and didn't leave till 2 pm. What a long day...but this day was totally worth it! My first bag of fluids is my premed (which really makes me kind of loopy) which takes 15 min., then my calcium and magnesium bag which takes 30 minutes, and then my chemo which takes 2-3 hours. After I get my chemo I get another bag of calcium and magnesium for 30 min. and then my chemo push. The chemo is called FOLFOX, and the push is 1/3 of the amount that I get for the next 2 days in my pump. The push goes in over 5 minutes and after that my nurse hooks me up to my pump. Now you know....this is exactly what I go through.
My mom showed up with cupcakes to celebrate at chemo for everyone, and when I left I was given a certificate of completion from my nurses and my turn at ringing the bell. Everyone clapped. It is such an accomplishment, but I did leave there with my heart heavy for the chemo patients sitting around me. You can tell by looking at them who will make it and who will not. It is very sad, but very true. By the way...I'm one that will make it! Thank God for that. Being in a cancer center really makes you hate cancer and what it has done to people. How much they are fighting and how determined they are to get well. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. When cancer wins...it sucks! Please say a prayer for those that are fighting a loosing battle. I heart them so much!
So....I am disconnecting on Thursday...will probably cry like a baby...and I am done! This has been a long 9 1/2 month long journey for myself, my parents, my siblings, my loving husband, and my baby! I am proud of myself for making it, and will continue to fight and have a positive attitude.
My post has been long and I have rambled on... and I won't write anymore but I wanted to share a few pictures of my time in Seattle for the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR 5K. My mom and I just got back Monday night from spending the weekend in Seattle and seeing my Grandma (also a colon cancer survivor), and my aunts and uncles). We had a blast. Pictures to prove it:
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Toni aka "The runners!!!":
A little Arse Grabbing:
Colon Cancer Survivors:
Breakfast in Olympia with Grandma:
Ferry Ride...Brrrr Seattle is not good for Neuropathy!:) :
Fremont Troll:
My appointments go like this...
I get there and first thing I have to do...which is probably one of my least favorite things to do, is get weighed in. OMG I could do without having to see my weight constantly go up every 2 weeks...BUT on the plus side...after tomorrow I am officially OFF the steroids! Now I am praying my weight will steadily go down just as much as it steadily went up. I'm thinking this will take me a little work, but that never scared me before.:)
After weighing in...I find a seat in the infusion center and get my vitals done and port accessed for a blood draw. Since the day my needle came out of my port at 3 am, I am a bit of a freak about securing it down. My nurses know this and accommodate my request now without me having to ask. I put the reinforcement down on that dang needle...lots of tape, and a few secured dressings. NO MORE CHEMO BURNS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
As soon as my blood has been drawn, I wait to be called back to see my doctor. I absolutely love her. Moving was totally worth it for HER (among other reasons, although I desperately want to move back!). I went back to see her along with my husband, who accompanied me to my LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!! Dr. Y is such a fabulous person and a fantastic doctor! I love her. She set up my next appointment in MARCH, which will be full of scans and labs, and we talked about what happens NOW.
Now...I will have to have monthly port flushes, which we set up for the next 4 months. I go to MD Anderson in December for a battery of scans, labs, x-rays, genetic counseling visits, and last but not least a doctors appointment with THE BEST COLON CANCER ONCOLOGIST EVER! (just my opinion, but it could possibly be true) After this appointment I won't have to go back (except for port flushes) till March and from there I will see my doctor in KC every 4 months for the first year. In July I will have to have my 3rd ever Colonoscopy...which I will have to get every year for the first 3 years and then every 5 years probably forever. OH JOY! :) When I was in visiting my doctor she had not received the results of my labs, and I was PRAYING they would be good. And of course they were. Prayers answered!!! This meant I would be able to finally get my last chemo treatment....lucky number 12. Doctor Y and I did discuss the need for my shot on Friday. I brought it up and asked if I needed to get it, since this was my last chemo treatment and I could just let my body build itself back up. She told me that was a reasonable request and granted it to me...so I was ecstatic...NO NEULASTA SHOT FRIDAY!!!! I will not be hurting all weekend...although I may be worn down, but I can deal with that.
After I see Dr. Y I go back to the infusion room to wait for her to put my orders in and then start my chemo. I got there at 8:30 am and didn't leave till 2 pm. What a long day...but this day was totally worth it! My first bag of fluids is my premed (which really makes me kind of loopy) which takes 15 min., then my calcium and magnesium bag which takes 30 minutes, and then my chemo which takes 2-3 hours. After I get my chemo I get another bag of calcium and magnesium for 30 min. and then my chemo push. The chemo is called FOLFOX, and the push is 1/3 of the amount that I get for the next 2 days in my pump. The push goes in over 5 minutes and after that my nurse hooks me up to my pump. Now you know....this is exactly what I go through.
My mom showed up with cupcakes to celebrate at chemo for everyone, and when I left I was given a certificate of completion from my nurses and my turn at ringing the bell. Everyone clapped. It is such an accomplishment, but I did leave there with my heart heavy for the chemo patients sitting around me. You can tell by looking at them who will make it and who will not. It is very sad, but very true. By the way...I'm one that will make it! Thank God for that. Being in a cancer center really makes you hate cancer and what it has done to people. How much they are fighting and how determined they are to get well. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. When cancer wins...it sucks! Please say a prayer for those that are fighting a loosing battle. I heart them so much!
So....I am disconnecting on Thursday...will probably cry like a baby...and I am done! This has been a long 9 1/2 month long journey for myself, my parents, my siblings, my loving husband, and my baby! I am proud of myself for making it, and will continue to fight and have a positive attitude.
My post has been long and I have rambled on... and I won't write anymore but I wanted to share a few pictures of my time in Seattle for the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR 5K. My mom and I just got back Monday night from spending the weekend in Seattle and seeing my Grandma (also a colon cancer survivor), and my aunts and uncles). We had a blast. Pictures to prove it:
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Toni aka "The runners!!!":
A little Arse Grabbing:
Colon Cancer Survivors:
Breakfast in Olympia with Grandma:
Ferry Ride...Brrrr Seattle is not good for Neuropathy!:) :
Fremont Troll:
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November, already???
A month of thankfulness....today I am thankful for the beautiful weather we had this morning. I was able to walk outside with the dog and not have my hands feel like I was carrying broken glass and my feet feel like they were walking on needles...seriously...this is what it feels like. I have HORRIBLE neuropathy and hope it goes away soon. My doctor warned me it would be the last side effect to go...and then she proceeded to tell me to give it 6 months to a year. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???? I am ready for the fatigue to evaporate, the tummy issues to resolve, the neuropathy to die...I am just so ready to feel good. My body has taken a beating...My spirit is wearing down...I am tired of this! I couldn't imagine having to fight this fight forever...I don't think I would have it in me. I say that now, but if I had to do it...I would. I wouldn't have a choice. Fighting cancer is just something you have to do.
I woke up today with the same stomach issues I have had for the last 3 days. NOT GOOD. The weird thing is that I haven't had these issues with the last few treatments. My treatments are so unpredictable. I never know how I am going to feel. It is always a surprise. Did I ever tell you how much I hate surprises! :) One more...I just keep telling myself...ONE MORE! :)
Halloween was a blast. My daughter had fun. I loved it.
Now on to November...and so much to be thankful for!
I woke up today with the same stomach issues I have had for the last 3 days. NOT GOOD. The weird thing is that I haven't had these issues with the last few treatments. My treatments are so unpredictable. I never know how I am going to feel. It is always a surprise. Did I ever tell you how much I hate surprises! :) One more...I just keep telling myself...ONE MORE! :)
Halloween was a blast. My daughter had fun. I loved it.
Now on to November...and so much to be thankful for!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)