What the....

What the heck is going on here? I am suppose to be feeling good today and I'm not. I feel lousy. I can't complain because this chemo regimen has been so much kinder to me than the last one...but I lack so much energy that it doesn't take much to make me feel sick. Today I'm dealing with mouth sores, horrific heartburn and sores in my nose. This doesn't seem horrible, but I am pretty miserable and on top of it all I am sick with a cold I can't seem to shake. I'm sure my levels are low. Today feels like the pits...but I'm putting on a smile and pushing through this day bound and determined to have a great day and smile through it. Today is my families Thanksgiving and I am so excited to spend the evening with everyone and of course eating! I can't believe that Thanksgiving has already come and I'm constantly being reminded daily that "Christmas is almost here mom!" by my daughter. She is so excited and that makes me so excited. I'm thrilled that my last visit with my doctor shed some light on what lies ahead...My Christmas will be chemo free and preping for my surgery. I'm so excited about that. I have 2 more treatments and then I will be having my "cut the cancer out of my liver" surgery or liver resection...whatever sounds better to you. I prefer the "cut the cancer out..." it makes me feel better. After my next chemo treatment I will have another CT Scan and MRI to restage my cancer and find out exactly where it is so the surgeon can map out his plan for surgery. CT scans scare me now. I dread them. You NEVER know what they are going to show and what news you are going to get. I'll never go into another CT scan with confidence again. I have however come to love surgeries...since they do save my life. This surgery will be welcomed! It is kind of horrible to walk around KNOWING you have cancer inside you. The scary thing to me is that cancer has a mind of its own. It can respond to treatment, or it can't. It can spread like wildfire or it can lay dormant. It can disappear or it can grow. And I don't know what my cancer does. It drives me crazy sometimes. Most of the time though I pray about it and know that I am in great hands. It is because I am a believer that I can get through my days with smiles and a happy heart and know that I am already healed. The only change that I will be making after my surgery is adding that additional chemo to my regimen. This is the chemo that can cause severe acne. I'm thrilled about it *sarcasm*...but whatever it takes I'm there. Overall I am doing well. Busy with moving since we sold our house and busy looking for a new place, and finding time to lay on the couch and recover in between. I have been doing well. I appologize for not writing more. I will try to do better. My hair is still hanging in there although thinning quite a bit and I really don't have much "juicy" news to report. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving because there is so much to be thankful for! Love you all!

In the midst...

I'm in the middle of my good week. It feels great. I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling pretty good, had a case of writters block (which I really haven't come out of, so this may be pretty boring), and to top things off we are throwing in a sale of our home, a move and a possible purchase of a new home...all in the next few weeks. Yeah...we like to keep things interesting. There is no time like now to do what you want! :) We have wanted to sell our home since we moved. It just never felt like home to us, and of course we fought so hard to keep it not a home since we dearly loved everything Jefferson City did for us. Our friends, Our home, Our jobs...OUR LIFE! But...we have come to accept that we are here for awhile and we need to find a "home" that we both enjoy... and we may have done that. :) Fingers and toes crossed and of course prayers that things go the way they are suppose to. Of course we know it is not our way...but God's way...and of course He sometimes has other plans for our life. He has made that quite clear to me. :) My counts have been great and this regimen of chemo is much kinder to me. There is a 20% chance that I will not loose all my hair but only have a thinning...and so far I may be headed down that road. I really didn't want to write about my hair loss because I fear that the minute I do, I've jinxed myself. I was never a superstitious person until I got cancer...now I have to think about every move I make. I won't be ringing the bell at the infusion center when I'm done with this round of 12 treatments to signify that I am done. I will also live the rest of my life with this port. There are just some things that I will do different. Did ringing the bell or taking out my port cause my cancer to come back? I'm a fairly smart person and logically I have to say NO they didn't...but then of course...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I LEFT THE PORT IN OR DIDN'T RING THE BELL. Now everything is a hesitation. I don't want to talk about my hair loss. I will tell you...I am blessed with a very thick head of hair. It is shedding like crazy...but I still have it. I'm hoping to hold on to it. You will know if I loose it. The End. Besides all the sleeping I do during my chemo week, I am actually getting by pretty well. My mom says I sleep for 50 minutes out of every hour and I amaze myself that I can do that all day long and then go to bed at 7 and sleep till 7 am. It is unbelievable how fatigued you are on chemo. My daughter told my husband one day when he came home from work when he asked her what she did all day and her response was "Mom slept on the fricken couch all day". I am thankful that she has my mom and dad to hang with her while I sleep. It makes her day much better and mine too. It is really good to be here and be so close to our family. I just couldn't get by without them. I have learned that I will not be taking that extra chemo. I was fairly certain that I should be getting it based on my results, hours of research on my part and the fact that I hadn't seen my doctor in the last 2 appointment and wasn't getting the extra chemo was driving me crazy. NOBODY was listening to me. NOBODY! Finally I was prepared to call my Dr up and find out on my own what the heck was going on. I was infact correct that I should be getting it...IF and ONLY IF the tumor on my liver needed to be shrunk or could not be removed. The tumor on my liver is small and can be removed, ultimately declaring me cancer free. The chemo I am taking now (4-6 rounds) prior to my surgery and the chemo after my surgery (6-8 rounds for a total of 12) is once again being used as a preventative chemo to keep this from reoccuring. I did discuss with my doctor that I would prefer to do the 6 treatments and then have surgery, so that I can go through the Christmas holiday off of chemo and have surgery around the second week of January. She wanted me to have my surgery after this next chemo treatment, which will be chemo number 4. I have an appointment this Friday to have labs drawn and meet with my doctor to discuss what the plan will be. I will keep you informed. I told you this would be a boring post. I don't really have any good juicy details to report. I have dealt with a few mouth sores and had some nose bleeds and sores in my nose, but besides that and all the sleeping, I have been able to keep from being too sick. It has been pretty nice. I didn't even cry last week during my chemo week, and that is a change. It was nice. I continue to have so much love and support around me and friends and family constantly holding me up and carrying me through this battle. I couldn't do it without you! Love you all!

My Sunday night cry...

I don't even feel like crying, I just want to stop the clock for awhile. I am definitely not ready for tomorrow. I have felt so good (minus the hike my mom made me do on Tuesday that left me physically disabled for 3 days). Did I just give away how out of shape I am???? I learned that you can't be sick and sleep all week long and then the next week run a marathon (or maybe just a giant hill!)... so...on my next good week, my daily walks will not include any mountains. It did feel good to get out in the cool air and walk with my parents...but next time I'm going to be a little kinder to myself. My goal was to walk every day on my good week. That didn't happen. I will work on that goal on my next good week! :) I have felt so good this week I just want to shout it and let everyone know. I do not feel like I have cancer. It really is so wierd. Sometimes I have to sit back and think...is this a bad dream? Then of course I have my stomach to look at and that is a quick reminder of what I have been through and how much further I still have to go. For those of you that have prayed for my friend. I have learned that prayers are powerful. Thank you. The news received was better than expected and my friend definitely has more hope. This week will be surgery for my friend. Please Please Please Please Please say a prayer for the doctors, nurses, staff, the family and my friend. Surgery is scary, and when you have cancer mixed in with it...it makes it even scarrier. You never know what you will find or what news you are going to hear. I love you friend. You will be ok, I promise! Praying for you daily and thinking of you all the time. I'm praying that my week ahead is better than my last bad week. I think my body is really starting to get use to this stuff (again) and it gets better as the time goes on. I'm not saying it is fun...just tolerable. I'm not as sick...maybe more tired and fatigued than anything...and oh...yeah...I have the hair loss to still look forward to. There is a slim slim slim chance I will only thin...but we all know that my luck ran out when I adopted that beautiful baby...so now I have a bald head to look forward to. OH LORD! Enjoy your week. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have been a huge support for me. Jan Glick, thank you for dinner. Meg, Donna, and Eileen we are so thankful for the meals you have provided. Mom...you are my everything...thank you for loving me enough to raise my daughter on my bad weeks for me when I am too tired and she could get away with anything. You have gone through this every step of the way with me and I can't love you or thank you enough. The gifts you have mailed to me are TOO much, but very much appreciated, and brighten my day! Amanda E., you are such a rock star. Your gifts before my chemo weeks make Monday's more tolerable. Cindy S., you are the only person I know that gives gifts to other people when it is YOUR birthday. Thank you for being my sunshine! You got me through and continue to get me through tough times. I love you guys so much. These are just a few of the people that have affected me this past week. I am so blessed. It definitely takes a village to raise a cancer survivor! Thank you!!!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow

My labs are great. This chemo is much kinder to me on my blood counts. So far I have not had to take the neulasta shots. I am so thankful for that. My appointment today went well. My port was accessed with no problem and my blood counts were good, which keep me on track with my chemo. If I can manage to stay on track I will be done with my 6 treatments right before Christmas and then have chemo free Christmas and New Years and sometime around the second week in January I will have my surgery. I think that is perfect timing. Although sometimes I stop and think that I am walking around with cancer in me...on my liver...and just want it OUT...I know that the "plan" for the chemo before surgery is a good one...and considering the cancer on my liver is small, I am ok. I did see another doctor today since my doctor has been out for the last 3 weeks. This new doctor was great. She walked in and was amazed I still had my hair. I just laughed. I'm serious...there is someone out there that really REALLY REALLY wants me to loose my hair. Well...they will get their wish. There is a slight chance I will only get a heavy thinning...like 10-20%, but knowing me...My luck and the way I tend to go through life...I will go bald. I'm ok with that. I mean... I have to be. I mean... I'm really NOT ok with it...but I dont' have a choice. My vote doesn't count. The hardest part is going to have to explain this to my daughter. Nobody should have to do that. I know my daughter...she will not take it well. So...I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with my hair. Enjoy your weekend!

Confidence...

Confidence is a funny thing. Tomorrow I will have an appointment, just like I do every other week to get my labs drawn and meet with the doctor. I am confident that I will have great numbers in my labs and that I will be able to proceed to chemo treatment number 3. The problem is that confidence is funny...I can feel so great and my numbers can be so crappy...this has happened before. I'm praying it doesn't happen again. I have had a great "good" week. I feel so good. At least I think I do. I mean...really...I'm not sure what good feels like anymore, but for my sake...I feel great! So please pray for me...I really want to stay on track and get my chemo on Monday and go into my crappy week...because I want to win this fight. I have been devastated this week with news of a dear friend struggling with some bad news. I want so badly to write about it, because writing for me is so therapeutic and my heart is really hurting for this friend but I also respect the way other people deal with things ... and so I just ask for special prayers for those dealing with hard times and struggling with bad news and especially for good news for my friend, who desperately needs it. I have been blessed with the love and support from so many and am ready to do the same for someone else in need! Thank you for showing me that there is so much good in people and that I can in return do to others what has been shown to me. It is so amazing how something as horrible and devastating as cancer can be such a blessing. I have had relationships blossom and grow and have become friends with some amazing people who have been there for me from day 1 and continue to fight with me. This is not a battle I can fight on my own. I have always relied on the support and love from my family and friends. For those that have been affected by cancer, they know first hand how important it is to have a support system. It is essential in winning this fight. It feeds your confidence, and confidence is a funny thing. You need it to win. You need it to be confident in your faith and in your fight with cancer. It is out of your hands...and you need to be confident that you will win. Thanks to every one of you that read this, pray for me, send letters, cards, emails, texts, gifts, food, surprises...I have truly been blessed with cancer...and although I will kick its ass...I am thankful for what it has shown me, for opening my eyes, softening my heart and for making me a better person. Cancer sucks...there is no way around that...but If you look for the good in things...it is there. I have found it. To my dear friend...I love you. I am here for you. I will get you through this, just like others have been there for me and carried me through tough times. You will feel so alone sometimes and you will have bad days, but your eyes will be opened and you will see what I see. Life is so precious. You have so many around you that are here for you and we love you. You need to remember that and know that you are not alone. Today was a fantastic day for me...I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Another day spent at the cancer center is another day I get to spend time with my mom...and I love that. Here is my number one reason for kicking cancers arse: My own personal Dora the Explorer...