Hard days....

I thought I would be done writing on here. I thought my "cancer days" were over. Today was a rough day. I guess I expected tough days to be over with once my chemo was done. I am having a hard time adjusting to life after chemo. Does that make sense? Because it really doesn't make sense to me. That is probably why I am having a hard time. My life is very different and more than that...my body is completely different. I think adjusting to my new body is hard enough...and on top of that I have to figure out now what I am going to do with my life...my new life!

I went on a walk today. I should really say I tried to go on a walk today. After a year of doing nothing...walking was hard for me. I cried. I cried because I could barely walk, I cried because my body feels like it has been destroyed, and I cried because I have a long hard road ahead of me still to get back to something I can be happy with. I guess I should be proud of my body for getting me through this year...for putting up with so much, for fighting the battle for me...I should be proud, but instead I am having a hard time accepting it. I wanted to be done with it all and back to the way I was when I started...NORMAL. My body, my mind...me...I am far from my old self. It makes me sad. I didn't have a choice becoming this new me...it was just handed to me...unfairly. This will take some time.

Tough day for me...with a bit of good news though! I was approached at MD Anderson to be a part of a colon cancer research program, which I accepted to be a part of. The study is about post chemo exercise in colon cancer patients. One group gets a new smart phone with an exercise app on it and the other does not. The research is to see if the group with the smart phone sticks with the exersize over the group without it. I WAS CHOSEN TO BE IN THE GROUP WITH THE PHONE! Which means I will get a new phone. I needed one. I am excited!

Today may have been tough, but tomorrow will be better! :)