Postpartum...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted. Time goes by so fast. The other day I was writing down the date and started to put November! Don't get me wrong...I am thrilled that 2011 is coming to a close, but then again I am quite scared of a new year, and what it will bring. One thing I learned from 2011, is that you never know what will happen...stuff happens...and you keep on going!

I have been sad. Things are not right with me. I feel like I am going through a bit of postpartum depression. Is that possible? I have never been a "depressed" person, but I just don't feel right. I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer, they offered me some anti-depressants...I refused them. I am a strong person. I got through it right? I even managed to smile through most of it... Now...it seems like I am a bit lost. My life is not the same. Things don't feel right. It will take me some time.

I spent almost an entire year being "sick", knowing I had cancer, trying to fight it, just taking it day by day and missing out on so much. Now, I want to be busy, I want to do things, I want to go places, see stuff, do stuff, not miss out. I am wearing myself out. I can't help it. I don't realize how much I am trying to do, until it hits me like a ton of bricks, and I break down and sob uncontrollably. I am lost.

If you ask me something or tell me something, don't expect for me to remember, or even comprehend sometimes. If you give me something...I will loose it. If I don't write it down, forget it! I do have a horrible case of Chemo Brain! I am serious here. I have never been a forgetful person...I am surprised I remember my own name, and I am completely serious! I still have some lingering effects from the chemo...one, happens to be this stinking chemo brain. I thought it was the fact that I was overwhelming myself with things to do, and keeping busy....IT IS NOT! I have managed to loose 2 debit cards, a necklace (that I got as a gift for my last chemo day!!), money, my drivers license...I have run multiple red lights, run into my garage door because I didn't push the button to open it (thankfully NO DAMAGE), and a grocery list of more examples...It frustrates me, which adds to my sadness.

My body has been destroyed...well, altered may be a better word. It is not the same. My stomach is a hideous sight...and causes pain most of my days (which I never complain about), my clothes don't fit like they did...thank you steroids...and I have not been motivated enough to get my arse in gear to loose this unwanted weight. I am over 30 lbs heavier than I was when I first went into this life altering journey...I am sad.

I cry sometimes because I miss my old life, and I simle sometimes because I imagine my new life...

Life sure is funny! I keep taking it one day at a time. This journey isn't over...yet.

I leave next week for Houston, TX. M.D. Anderson...

I am looking forward to warmer weather....
I am dreading the poking, proding, and other things...
I am praying I am cancer free...I need some good news!