sicky...

As I write this I am being cared for by my mom and daughter. I have already started feeling bad and throwing up. I dread being nauseous and being sick, but I know that it won't last forever! It just stinks to start feeling so good and then BAM...you are sick again! It is worth it though, if it kills this cancer and I am set free!!!





I get to lay on my couch and look at my house in boxes...that alone makes me cry, and then not feeling well on top of that just makes me cry more! So...I got a good cry in and now I'm back to kicking some arse! :)




For lunch I really didn't want to have the "bags of chemo" they give me, so I was lucky enough to have a lunch date in the cancer center! Andrew, James and my mom joined me for lunch! It was good. I enjoy the company! I'm thrilled it is my last time at the cancer center...on to a new one next week! I look forward to a change of scenery! It may help the last 6 treatments to fly by!!!








I smiled today because my mom and brother are here...I love them!

I smiled today because the house is all packed up and ready to go!

I smiled today because I have the best friends, family, and co-workers! Life is amazing...

Today was a good day, tomorrow will be even better!

3 a.m.

I've been awake since 3 a.m.! I can't sleep! I have been feeling so good the last few days, and I am absolutely dreading the fact that I have to do another round of chemo in about 5 hours! I.HATE.CHEMO...and more than that...I.HATE.CANCER!

On a good note, I had fun at Pizza Hut last night for my benefit. I'm so blessed to have such great friends who came to support me and who put it all together. I got home around 5:45 and about 10 minutes after I got home I got a message that the Pizza Hut was so busy they were having a hard time keeping up! How fun! I will keep everyone posted on how the benefit turned out!

I am going to try to go back to sleep...I will update more soon!

weekend news...

I pulled out all my medication bottles yesterday while I was packing up the kitchen. I didn't realize I had 9 bottles of medications prescribed to me, not including chemo! NINE!!! These bottles of medications are a life saver to me during my chemo week. They don't help me fight cancer...they help me fight the chemo! All the medications I take, are to help me with the symptoms I get from the chemo! 3 medication bottles for nausea, 2 for diarrhea, 2 for constipation, 1 for mouth/throat/stomach sores, and 1 steroid...all to help me get through a rough week! I tend to panic when they start to run low on pills, but after a review of them yesterday, I should be set for the next treatment.

I spent yesterday working hard with Andrew! We dropped Charly off in the morning with our friends who were kind enough to watch her for the day, and we headed to the house to get busy packing! I have to say...you do get a lot more done without a 2 year old hanging around! When we dropped her off she was a full fledged KC Chiefs fan and KU Jayhawk fan and when we picked her up they had transformed her into a RAM loving MU fan! I do not feel that it has traumatized her yet!

Before:


After:




When she got back to the house she walked in and the first words out of her mouth were "Oh My Goodness"!!! This move has not been hard on her yet, but I am anticipating it may be? I know leaving her friends and babysitter will be heartbreaking! I think I am going to have a hard time with it!

I have two good days left of feeling human! Although I have more packing to do with Andrew today, we are not going to push it like we did yesterday, and have a bit more relaxing Sunday. Next week is going to be crazy for us, and hard on me...and so...today we enjoy! I'm planning on taking in some swimming, maybe taking her to the bridge to walk (we love that), going to the bounce house this afternoon to wear her out, and a nice dinner at home, courtesy of our awesome friends with amazing bbq-ing skills....RIBS are on the menu for tonight! Today is going to be a great day!

Tomorrow...my last good day till round 2 of chemo...is the benefit at Pizza Hut my friend has put together! We are looking forward to that!

all aboard...

That is right...I need to get on this moving train! I can't believe we are moving next Wednesday! I am not getting done what I need to! I don't want to waste my good days on working hard at packing my house up...is that so much to ask? Charly is having a great time...climbing on, in and around boxes...jumping from things and of course...making trains around the house with objects she finds...it is pretty cute! I FINALLY got a camera today...came home, used it...and HATE IT! I'm taking it back tomorrow and getting a different one. I have to document (in pictures) our move...since this will be our last (I hope)!

We never made it this week to the fair like I had planned. I had a great vision of taking Charly to the fair to see all the farm animals, ride the rides with her dad (since they make me sick), eating all kinds of "fair" food...but...that didn't happen. This heat has been HORRENDOUS! I stay indoors. I avoid the sun at all cost! I only get in the pool in the evening after the sun goes down...and I'm pretty sure I will continue to do this for the rest of my life! The chemo has caused my skin to become so sensitive to the sun it is crazy! I blister up in a matter of minutes....and so...I avoid it! (I never could get tan anyway...why even try now!)

I actually went to work a full week! I was so proud of myself! It exhausted me, but I did it! I came home in the evenings and pretty much crashed...which is why I haven't been packing much! (If you follow me on Facebook, you will also see that I have sold and gotten rid of more stuff than I have packed...so I am doing my part at least!) The week was good. It made me plow through my exhaustion, my headaches, my nausea and dizziness. I am thankful I have a job (even if it is for a little while)!My company has been good to me...actually GREAT to me! I am going to be coming to Jefferson City on my good weeks and working 3 days a week until they either hire someone to fill my position or I am physically not able to do it anymore (I'm hoping I don't get to that point!).

The girls at work have really worked hard at putting the benefit for me together on the 6th of August. I am so worried I will be sick and unable to attend. I just know this next week is going to kill me with moving and chemo the way it is already, and then to drive back for the benefit may just be too much. Please pray that I feel well enough to make it, because I really want to show up and have a great time! There is also a benefit my friend Jackie has put together for me on August 1st at the Pizza Hut (by the mall). I will be able to attend that one, as I don't have Chemo till the next day! So...if you are in the area and can't decide what to have for dinner Monday night...come grab a pizza! :) It amazes me the kindness everyone has shown! I am so thankful! I do want to say, that if anyone did order a shirt from Nicole for the benefit on August 6th, please pay her the 10.00 for the shirt! She has done a great job with helping to put the benefit together and keeping track of the shirt orders, etc! Thank you in advance if you did order one, donated to the benefit, the benefit account, or will attend!

Ok...I'd better get off and go pack a little! Keep me in your thoughts! Not only do I have Cancer...and have Chemo this week...but I AM MOVING!!!!! YUCK!!!!! I'm just ready to be in my new house, with my family near!

Have a great weekend!!! Happy Friday!

Lovely labs...

Labs were drawn yesterday and amazingly enough...they were good! That makes me feel good. I can go into my next chemo treatment with numbers on my side instead of fighting them, and it keeps me on schedule! I want to stay on schedule so bad!!! I want to get this done and over with and kick this cancer's arse once and for all!

I appreciate all the prayers, encouragement, thoughts, cards, gifts, EVERYTHING! They really do help keep me strong and moving forward!

I'm hoping I can talk Andrew into buying a camera tomorrow since mine broke...I am missing out on my picture taking, and my blog is lacking some creativity! :)

Today was a great day...I'm looking forward to tomorrow!

work it baby!!!!

Today was my first day back to work since I left for surgery 6 1/2 weeks ago! It felt so good to get back to normal. It felt good to get out of my car and have my nurses wave and yell at me from across the parking lot. It felt good to know I was missed and that they were glad to have me back (even if it is for a short time). I don't think someone has ever been so happy to walk into a prison, as I was!

I did wash my hands more than normal, and I was careful not to touch my face. These are things I have to think of constantly. I have to always be wondering if I'm going to get sick. I never know what my blood counts are (until I get my blood drawn) and it scares the snot out of me. Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my blood drawn and follow up. I'm hoping for some good counts...A) to keep me on my chemo schedule, and B) so I can ease up on worrying so much about getting sick! (say a prayer for me, please!!!!)

I felt really good today, and being around people really brought my spirits up. I picked up Charly from daycare, came home and put dinner together and even got in the pool for awhile! That really is amazing! Now I'm exhausted! I will sleep well tonight, which will be a change! For the last 3 weeks I have slept like complete crap! I have had such horrible abdominal pains and seriously wondered if I had a rib out or even worse...Cancer! LOL!!! Just kidding! I knew it wasn't cancer since I had my scans done just 2 weeks ago which showed NOTHING! HALLELUJIAH!!!! So when I went in last week and saw Dr. R to start Chemo, he did an exam and I told him that I was having abdominal pain. Pain on a scale of 1-10....oh...about a constant 7! Pain that keeps me from being able to sit up straight when I am laying down...I have to do this funky roll to my side thing! Yeah...I do kind of look like a beached whale trying to get up. It's pretty horrible. So...you ask what it is huh???? ADHESIONS from my surgery! After the first surgery I had a bunch but could not even tell or feel them. In fact I had so many that Dr. T spent about 3 hours taking them down when he did the second surgery. Adhesions for those of you that don't know, are fibrous bands that form between tissues and organs, often as a result of injury during surgery. They may be thought of as internal scar tissue that connect tissues not normally connected...and they HURT! In fact, it feels like I have one that connects my belly button to my ribs on my left side. The area where I had the colostomy is probably one big adhesion! Ok...I'm not going to complain about them anymore...EVER, because I would much rather deal with them, then have a poop bag hanging on me...but I do want to say...DANG THEY HURT!

So, overall the day was fantastic! It was good to get out of the house, good to feel human again, good to be productive! I am looking forward to the rest of the week and spending time with my co-workers. I really will miss them when I leave.

Today was an excellent day!!!! I can't imagine tomorrow being better...we'll see!!

~Ok...I smiled today because while I was putting Charly in the bath, she accidentally turned the shower on. THIS FREAKED HER OUT! She jumped out of the tub so fast and hung on to me for dear life. All I could do was laugh, and the harder I laughed, the more scared she got! Needless to say...we COULD NOT GET HER IN THE TUB. So...hopefully tomorrow our attempt is more successful! Until then...I am thankful for the pool bath she gets in the evenings! :)

~I smiled today because I went back to prison! I LOVE MY JOB!

~I smiled today because I actually got a few more boxes packed and it feels like we are making a little bit of progress!

~I smiled today because my couch is full of My Little Pony stickers...and 2 1/2 years ago that was something I didn't think would ever happen! I love being a mom! Life is funny!!!

Don't ask...if you don't want to know!

I was feeling lousy the other night and probably should have just kept my mouth shut. Hanging out in the living room with my husband, I laid there thinking to myself (I probably shouldn't be doing that!)about my future...our future. I wondered what he really thought about this cancer crap. I wondered if he even gave it much thought, or was he like me and just tried to get through it one day at a time. I shouldn't have even brought it up...but I did!

I asked him if he thought I was going to die of cancer...and what he said shocked me! I thoroughly expected him to tell me how strong I was and that he just knew this was a bump in the road for me and how no matter what, we were in this together....HE DIDN'T say any of that! He proceeded to tell me in a very serious tone, that he did in fact think that I would get over this, but he felt that in about ten years I would get it again and who knows what would happen then! I freaked! I mean...I know I have cancer, and as much as I hate that fact and really try to pretend it isn't the case, I have to live with it. I have to think about my future, his future, MY Daughter's future! It scares me to death. I am not afraid to die, but I just don't want to die till I'm ready...is that so much to ask? I mean...getting this cancer stuff feels like it just gave me a one way ticket out of here far too soon. That can't be the case. This has got to be one of the biggest obstacles I will ever encounter in my life...but I can guarantee you (and my husband), that I will not let it get the best of me. I will not let it take my happiness, my joy, my future! I will get through this, and I will survive, and because of it, I know I will be able to better relate to those suffering from conditions like mine. That I will pay it forward and the world will be a little nicer because I got cancer. Isn't that the way it is suppose to be?

I feel sorry for my husband! I know that having to deal with me being sick and taking care of our adorable and very well behaved (LOL) two year old is wearing on him. That is one reason I am so thankful to be moving home. We will have the support from our families that we need, that HE needs! I never imagined our future together would be disrupted at such an early age by cancer. I didn't ask for this, nor did he! But then again...NOBODY DOES!

I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband that does take care of me, and doesn't get irritated (too bad) when I lay around for days at a time and don't shower when I am not feeling well! When I beg him to rub my feet or just sit with me while I lay on the couch...he does it...and he doesn't complain. I know he is scared (just like me), but he doesn't show it. He is strong. He is our rock! I just wish I could comfort him in knowing that I am going to be around for along time. In fact...I will probably be around so long I will be wiping up his drool when he is 90! (Lets hope...for his sake anyway, because nobody likes to see old people drooling!) I love my husband! I want to give him the life we dreamed of. The family we prayed for. The future we both deserve!

Well...my future is looking better! I have started to feel better. I am still very tired and weak, and almost dizzy at times, but I am functioning as a human again! I was even able to get in the pool last night with Charly and float around! I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow to see my co-workers! I have missed them. They have really come together for me and been working hard at putting on this great benefit on August 6th in Vienna as well as a Pizza Hut benefit on the 1st of August. I hate those things...I especially hate them when they are for ME. When attention is on me...it makes me very uncomfortable! BUT...BUT, I have stepped back and realized how wonderful they have been and how much they really support me, love me and are encouraging me every step of the way. The money raised from my benefit will go toward my medical bills as well as my future trips to MD Anderson in November. With not working full time, it is such a blessing to have this coming up and to look forward to! I can't wait to see everyone there and really enjoy the evening! What a fun time it will be!

Today was a great day...tomorrow will be even better!

~Please say a prayer for our dear friends the Dall's who have a new baby that is sick in the NICU.

I smiled today when I got an email from a new friend I made from my blog!

I smiled today when dinner was delivered to my house from my dear friend TARA!!! Not only did she make my day, but she also put a smile on Andrew's face for bringing one of his favorite meals!!!

I smiled today when Charly found out that jumping from the coffee table into the couch was fun! I just loved it! (Does that make me a bad mom for not telling her that we don't jump on furniture????)

I smiled today when we were boxing up Charly's room and she found some fun-dip from valentine's day (Thank you BEAU) that we all sat around and tried. She LOVED IT! It was like I was feeding my child crack!

I smiled today when I sold both my patio sets and a recliner...the fewer things I have to move, the better!!!!

I smiled today because I am feeling better!