Don't ask...if you don't want to know!

I was feeling lousy the other night and probably should have just kept my mouth shut. Hanging out in the living room with my husband, I laid there thinking to myself (I probably shouldn't be doing that!)about my future...our future. I wondered what he really thought about this cancer crap. I wondered if he even gave it much thought, or was he like me and just tried to get through it one day at a time. I shouldn't have even brought it up...but I did!

I asked him if he thought I was going to die of cancer...and what he said shocked me! I thoroughly expected him to tell me how strong I was and that he just knew this was a bump in the road for me and how no matter what, we were in this together....HE DIDN'T say any of that! He proceeded to tell me in a very serious tone, that he did in fact think that I would get over this, but he felt that in about ten years I would get it again and who knows what would happen then! I freaked! I mean...I know I have cancer, and as much as I hate that fact and really try to pretend it isn't the case, I have to live with it. I have to think about my future, his future, MY Daughter's future! It scares me to death. I am not afraid to die, but I just don't want to die till I'm ready...is that so much to ask? I mean...getting this cancer stuff feels like it just gave me a one way ticket out of here far too soon. That can't be the case. This has got to be one of the biggest obstacles I will ever encounter in my life...but I can guarantee you (and my husband), that I will not let it get the best of me. I will not let it take my happiness, my joy, my future! I will get through this, and I will survive, and because of it, I know I will be able to better relate to those suffering from conditions like mine. That I will pay it forward and the world will be a little nicer because I got cancer. Isn't that the way it is suppose to be?

I feel sorry for my husband! I know that having to deal with me being sick and taking care of our adorable and very well behaved (LOL) two year old is wearing on him. That is one reason I am so thankful to be moving home. We will have the support from our families that we need, that HE needs! I never imagined our future together would be disrupted at such an early age by cancer. I didn't ask for this, nor did he! But then again...NOBODY DOES!

I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband that does take care of me, and doesn't get irritated (too bad) when I lay around for days at a time and don't shower when I am not feeling well! When I beg him to rub my feet or just sit with me while I lay on the couch...he does it...and he doesn't complain. I know he is scared (just like me), but he doesn't show it. He is strong. He is our rock! I just wish I could comfort him in knowing that I am going to be around for along time. In fact...I will probably be around so long I will be wiping up his drool when he is 90! (Lets hope...for his sake anyway, because nobody likes to see old people drooling!) I love my husband! I want to give him the life we dreamed of. The family we prayed for. The future we both deserve!

Well...my future is looking better! I have started to feel better. I am still very tired and weak, and almost dizzy at times, but I am functioning as a human again! I was even able to get in the pool last night with Charly and float around! I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow to see my co-workers! I have missed them. They have really come together for me and been working hard at putting on this great benefit on August 6th in Vienna as well as a Pizza Hut benefit on the 1st of August. I hate those things...I especially hate them when they are for ME. When attention is on me...it makes me very uncomfortable! BUT...BUT, I have stepped back and realized how wonderful they have been and how much they really support me, love me and are encouraging me every step of the way. The money raised from my benefit will go toward my medical bills as well as my future trips to MD Anderson in November. With not working full time, it is such a blessing to have this coming up and to look forward to! I can't wait to see everyone there and really enjoy the evening! What a fun time it will be!

Today was a great day...tomorrow will be even better!

~Please say a prayer for our dear friends the Dall's who have a new baby that is sick in the NICU.

I smiled today when I got an email from a new friend I made from my blog!

I smiled today when dinner was delivered to my house from my dear friend TARA!!! Not only did she make my day, but she also put a smile on Andrew's face for bringing one of his favorite meals!!!

I smiled today when Charly found out that jumping from the coffee table into the couch was fun! I just loved it! (Does that make me a bad mom for not telling her that we don't jump on furniture????)

I smiled today when we were boxing up Charly's room and she found some fun-dip from valentine's day (Thank you BEAU) that we all sat around and tried. She LOVED IT! It was like I was feeding my child crack!

I smiled today when I sold both my patio sets and a recliner...the fewer things I have to move, the better!!!!

I smiled today because I am feeling better!