Little Monsters....

First off...Thank you Lord for answering my prayers and the prayers of my friends and family.  I thought going through cancer was scary...I was wrong.  The fight is simply that...a fight.  It keeps you busy...it keeps you focused...you have a purpose and a goal.  This....this stage that I'm at....this "survivorship" is hard.  Emotionally it stinks.  I have never been so unsure and worried in my life.  This is my life now.  This is what I have to look forward to in the months and years to come.  I have successfully made it through this scan.  I am beyond thankful.  It potentially had the recipe for a major disaster!  Andrew was leaving town Friday, which happened to be the day I would get my results.  If I had bad results it would have been a horrible weekend.  I also just started a new job and as in the past, I tend to start new jobs and have to quit because something "cancer" related happens.  I can happily say this is not the case!  I also have a house full of kiddos that need me!  I'm sorry cancer...I don't have time for you right now.  STAY AWAY!!!!!

So what has been going on with me????  Like I said I have a house full of kiddos!  My boys are doing great!  Growing like weeds!  We really can no longer refer to them as "big" head and "little" head, since "little" head has now caught up with his much larger noggined foster brother!  I love them completely!!!!  Charly, my rotten and oh so adorable 4 year old, is definitely the sun to my shine.  I could not be more in love with this little girl.  And now for the icing on the cake..... I have accumulated a TEENAGER!!!!!  Yes....I do believe the chemo has affected my brain.  But, this beautiful 14 year old has completed our family and made things interesting.  We have been able to do things we normally would not be doing....like enrolling in high school and going to freshman orientation, and school supply shopping that actually requires school supplies and not snacks, wet wipes and kleenex!  So we have quickly gone from a family of 3 to a wonderful crowd of 6!  Our home is crazy and we love it.  My refrigerator now is covered in dry erase boards for schedules, lists, chores, etc!  It is fun.  It is hard work.  But....it is worth it!  I love them all and couldn't be happier and more content to share my home with these wonderful little monsters! 

So...yeah....I really don't have time to worry about cancer these days.  (at least not my own!)  I do pray and think about my "cancer" friends (and I'm sad to say I have quite a few) and when they hurt, I hurt, and when they get good news, I get good news.  I really feel my calling was to go through this battle to be there for others.  I honestly don't go through the day without thinking about and praying for Robyn B., Chris, Caryn, Jenna, Heidi, Ethan, Kori, Chuck, and this is just to name a few.....!  I wish they weren't on this cancer road, but these incredible people will kick cancer arse! 

I really intended to write more, but wouldn't you know....I have someone needing me!  I am happy to change diapers, wipe butts, do laundry, make meals, go shopping, clean the house....and when I think about how sometimes I just want to sit down and SLEEP...I go back to my chemo times and how that was all I did.  I don't want to do that again.  Life is too short!  Enjoy it.  Live it.  Share it.  LOVE IT!

Little Head and Big Head....

I have to admit...this blog hasn't crossed my mind.  It probably has something to do with the fact that my life has made a major turn!  Cancer is now the last thing on my mind these days...instead it is filled with feedings, burpings, changing diapers, dressing, laundry, laundry, did I mention laundry, and then all the normal stuff I use to do.... like hanging out with my totally awesome 4 year old.  Life is funny sometimes.  Yes....we have a couple babies in the house.  I would totally start a new blog about that but I don't think I would have time to update it.  We are currently fostering a 2 month old baby boy "baby little head" who we took from the NICU at 2 weeks old...and then we are fostering a 5 month old baby boy "baby big head" who we took from protective custody when he was involved in a robbery!  LOL  I'm hoping this kid got his wild streak out of the way at 5 months old.  He is our little gangsta!  Both babies are possible adoptions for us and we are praying every night that.... #1 they will sleep through the night  #2 that we will live through this baby stage and #3 that of course they will both become part of our family.  We have already fallen in love with them, how could you not!
Besides not being able to leave the house on a regular basis, shower most days and brushing teeth has become a luxury we always took for granted....life has been good for us.  We are settling into our home that is now FULL of baby stuff.  My next CT scan is in August and I have to tell you, when I start to think about it, it kind of freaks me out.  OK, it freaks me out big time....but I can't live my life like that and I continue to just live it one day at a time and enjoy every moment I am loving on my husband, daughter and two babies.  I have felt pretty good.  I am still taking daily shots of Lovenox (blood thinner) due to my pulmonary embolism, which I will really see how that is doing on my CT scan in August.  I'm confident it is healed, as I am not short of breath anymore. 
I feel like my job aside from being a wife and mother, daughter,  sister, aunt, friend, etc.... is to help friends close to me that are going through this cancer journey.  I have far too many people in my life that I email, text, call, and constantly pray for that are currently on their own cancer journey.  I feel that I am of some help (I hope I am) having been in their shoes and felt their feelings and cried their tears.  I am thankful I can be here for them.  I continue to fight cancer right along with them. 

I didn't shave my legs for this!

As I promised.  I will update.  Today was result day.  I was not ready for this.  I have never lost so much sleep worrying.  I am not a worrier.  I don't worry.  I never have. Worry is the work of the devil.  (well I don't worry much).  The fact is that this time going into my scan was the worst I have felt physically since January 2011 when this all started.  My body is worn down.  Tired.  Weak.  It needs a break.  I can't seem to catch one either. 

The great news is that today my scans were found clear of cancer!  PRAISE GOD!  I was telling my mom the other day... going through chemo is much easier than not when you have or had cancer.  At least you feel like you are doing something to fight back.  At this point...It feels as if I am just waiting for the floor to fall underneath me.  It feels like it is just a matter of time before it is back.  I hate this feeling.  It is a never ending battle going on inside my head.  I want to be so happy I am cancer free...but I don't want to get too excited or to comfortable thinking it will not come back.  I know from experience what can happen.  I also told my mom today...I want nothing more than complete healing from cancer....but I don't pray for that.  I never have.  God knows what I want.  I also know what He can do.  My prayer to God is that whatever the outcome is...that He will just walk with me, holding my hand and give me the strength to get through it.  That might mean I end up with total healing, or that might mean I end up hanging out in heaven...either way I have never been afraid.  It is the peace that passes all understanding. I am blessed. 

The bad news today was that although my scan did not show any cancer!!!...it did show that I have a pulmonary embolism.  (a blood clot in my lung).  I kind of laughed about it and said, "am I going to die from this?!"  and my doctors response was "well, they can be fatal (which I knew) and I have been thinking about how to treat it for the past two days.  It has me concerned.  You just can't make things easy for me, can you?"  WOW!  SO..... although I am pretty confident I am NOT going to die from this, I have been put on daily shots of a blood thinner (Lovenox) for the next 3-6 months, depending on the result of my ultrasounds today.  Oh...yeah....did I mention I had to go have my legs  ultrasounded today!  WHAT?!?!?  I didn't shave my legs, and haven't for awhile..., I didn't slap on any fake tan, I was wearing underwear with holes in them....WHAT?!?!?!?!  I was definitely not ready for someone to be rubbing all over my legs...and unfortunately it was going to happen today (as my doctor wrote the order for ASAP) and it was going to happen with the male species performing the ultrasound.  LORD YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!  I DO NOT LIKE IT SOMETIMES! I was just thankful the room was dimly lit....and that it only took 45 minutes!  Yes... I did say 45 minutes.  I swear sometimes I think these things happen to me so I can seriously laugh it off.  It actually wasn't too bad.  But...then again...I have learned a lesson the hard way.  SHAVE YOUR LEGS ALWAYS...RELIGIOUSLY WEAR FAKE TAN...and throw away underwear with holes in them.  Why is it that I have to learn things the hard way?

I have not heard the results yet from my ultrasounds, but I am assuming they are ok...my doctor is pretty good at scaring informing me.  If this episode of my life gets a little crazier I will update and keep you informed! :)  Please pray for me.  Pray for my family that has been dealing with this as well.  It is never easy....on anyone! 

The good news is that as I will be giving myself shots daily, I can teach Charly that they don't hurt to prepare her for her 4 year well check up!  4 years old...can you believe it!  Thank you for checking in on me! 

now we wait.....

I have never felt so unsure before.  I have never had such a restless nights sleep over a CT scan.  I broke down crying the other day...this is hard.  Cancer is hard.  I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same.  I can never be normal again.  I know I have to move on and find my new "normal", but it feels like I am stuck.  I am having a hard time taking the first step. I came home from my appointment today just EXHAUSTED from stress and sick from the contrast.....

Today I had my CT scan.  I gulp down glass after glass of nasty contrast and then do the 10 minute CT Scan and PRAY the entire time while they push some more nasty stuff in my port.  I know either way I will be ok...regardless of the results.  I just hate the unknown and hate waiting.  I really want to go back to a time in my life where CT scans, labs and doctors appointments were not part of my regular routine.  I didn't have this in mind for me when I thought of growing up. 

Friday I have my appointment to meet with my doctor and go over results of the scan and lab work.  I will update again.  Until then....get on your knees and pray for me! :)

More Zofran, More Ativan, More Prozac...NO MORE CHEMO??!!!?!?! WHAT?

How did this happen?  How did I get to this place in my life?  Why is it that I am only 34 (yes I always have to double check how old I am) and feel like I have lived a lifetime?  I feel my 34 years has brought me so much wisdom and opened my eyes and my heart to so much that I couldn't see or hear (before hearing aides!!!) before.  It happened so fast...like a tornado.  What a whirlwind it was...and in the same fashion it left.  I am proud to say that as of right now...I am cancer free.  My scans are clear, my labs are clear and as far as my team of oncologists are concerned (and lots of years of research behind them) I do not need chemo from this point on.  How did this happen? 

I went to my first appointment following my liver resection surgery on Friday to see my oncologist.  This was the first time I was going to see her since I took my break from chemo to have surgery, and the time had come for me to finish out the treatment that we had decided on.  Initially I was to finish 6 rounds of chemo, have surgery and then finish the remaining 6 rounds of chemo to complete the entire Folfiri treatment.  The last 6 treatments were also to include an additional chemo drug call Cetuximab that really was only being taken to be OVERLY cautious because there was no known benefit to take it at that point.  THIS is the chemo I had been having conflicting thoughts about in my head.  Why take another chemo drug just to take it?  If I didn't have the science to back it up, I was not completely sure I wanted to poison my body any more than I already was.  So...I set off to my appointment Friday with three bullets on my agenda to take care of!  1. I needed refills of meds.  I needed my zofran, ativan, prozac all refilled to get me by while starting chemo again.  2. I needed to discuss with my oncologist my fall resulting in a partial collapsed lung and the fact that everyone that was reading my most recent x-rays was continuing to tell me there was a "mass" that I needed to discuss with my oncologist. Last but not least #3....I wanted to discuss the "additional chemo" (the cetuximab) because I really was reluctant to take it.  I needed to be reassured a little more by her that it was going to do some kind of good and not just be added misery to me for no reason.  So...I did this...I knocked out #1, and #2 and when it got to #3 and I mentioned I was not sure if I wanted to take the additional chemo, her response was "I think that is a legitimate argument...and because there are no added benefits at this point to continue with it after my discussion with your Oncologist at MD Anderson, I think it is perfectly reasonable to stop taking it at this time."  She continued with "We will schedule a followup CT in 1 month to look at your lungs, chest and abdomen again and get a very good picture, and then we will start every 4 month visits."  I was not understanding her correctly and followed up with "sounds like a great plan, I will do the 4 month visits after my last 6 rounds of chemo (the folfiri)????"  She responded.  "No, you are done!  At this point there is no need to continue with the chemo.  With no evidence of the disease it is not shown to be effective at all through any research.  Nothing backs up the fact that it would do any good as a preventative chemo and since you already tood the 12 rounds of folfox, you have already completed the preventative chemo that you would need."  My oncologist and I were obviously not on the same page.  I was talking about the Cetuximab as the "extra chemo" and she was talking about the last 6 folfiri treatments as the "extra chemo".    When we finally did get on the same track and I realized what she was saying to me.....

I WAS SPEECHLESS!

It happened so fast.  It was just over...just like that!  A weight had been lifted off of me.  I felt like I was given my life back.  I had gone in to my appointment with the strength and determination to finish my last 6 chemo treatments and now I was being told I was done.  At that moment I think I understood what it feels like to be released from a prison.  To be given a true second chance at life.  To be free.  At that point everything changed.  I had been planning on the next 3-4 months being filled with lots of mouth sores, vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion, fatigue, sickness, weakness....etc, etc, etc.... but now...I could mark through my calendar on the weeks I had chemo scheduled and dedicated to feeling like complete POO and could actually have a life!  I could live!  I could be a wife, a mother, a friend, again!  I didn't have to be a burden to anyone, especially my mom who had become my caretaker.  Things had changed.  It was wonderful!  I am beyond exstatic!  I came home from my appointment and told Charly that I was not going to be having anymore "owies" (that is what she calls my chemo pump) and she was thrilled!  I told Andrew and he was so excited.  This opened up so much for us as a family!  We are moving into our home this week, we will start fostering again, I can start working (part time) again, and things will turn around for us.  We can get back on our feet and take a deep breath.  We look forward to what the future brings! 

This is not to say we are not scared to death...but we move forward with the strength and trust we can only find in our Lord and Savior...who through Him, all things are possible! 

I am proud to say at this point, I am a 2 time cancer survivor!  I did it.  We did it.  I couldn't have done it without you!  Thank you again, I can't say it enough, for the love, support and encouragement you have shown me! 

Cancer Schmancer....

News Flash...I have cancer.  CANCER!  It hasn't gone away.  It is really wierd to think about it because most of the time I don't feel like I have it.  But it is there...it is always there...in the back of my mind...life goes on....
I was feeling pretty bad today because I had decided to cancel my appointment to start chemo again.  I just wasn't ready to endure another 12 weeks of hell after feeling so good (... like having a liver resection has been a vacation for me....how sad is that?).  Anyway...so I thought to myself: dang, I let it get to me...I let it win today...I couldn't fight and kick its arse and go to my appointment.  I felt pretty bad.  I am tired of being in fighting mode, and I still have it in me, a fight that is...but dang...I just wanted a break....ok...a little longer break...with no surgery, no recovery, no pain...just me, feeling like me again....if I can even remember what me feels like anymore!  So anyway...after trying to come up with an excuse to cancel and postpone what is bound to happen, I found out I didn't have chemo today after all!  So...there cancer....I still win! :)  It turns out that they are giving me till March 8th so that I can visit with my Oncologist and then start chemo treatment # 1 of  # 6 on March 11th.  Ok, so it turns out I am not a complete chemo chicken and even though I thought I cancelled something I shouldn't have, I didn't, and therefore I still win, right?  I still come out on top!  CANCER, YOU SUCK!

I am definitely going to enjoy the last couple weeks chemo free!  I have to.  I have no choice.  I am not going to cancel March 11...I'm going to get back into it and KICK ITS ARSE!  Again...CANCER YOU SUCK!

Cancer aint cheap folks....

The days are flying by.  Chemo will start up again before I know it.  I dread it.  DREAD! The only thing that keeps me positive right now is to keep in mind that I am on the down hill slope with only 6 more treatments.  That is 6 more treatments and what will feel like a life time of scans to worry over.  The hardest part for me so far has not been the treatment or the surgeries, but the burden I put on my family and husband.  I have said it before...cancer is not cheap.  This year we are looking at a total of 10,000 out of pocket before our deductible is met for 2013 (this includes 2012 deductible since we have just started recieving medical bills for my chemo that started in October!).  On top of the lovely 10,000.00 we will pay for medical bills I had to purchase hearing aides in January costin me 4,090.00 out of pocket (insurance paid 2500.00).  Every month I pay for my prescriptions which add up (anti-nausea meds, ativan, depression meds, etc) .... all of this is a result of cancer.  AND all on one income now, thanks to cancer.  I continue to battle stage 4 cancer.  I continue to fight every day.  I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me or to ask for anything, but so you take a second to realize what it would be like if God forbid this happened to you.  If you lost your job, how would that affect your family?  If you couldn't live without medical treatment that?  I have truely been blessed with some amazing friends and families and COMPLETE STRANGERS that have supported me and helped out financially when we needed it the most.  For that I want to thank you.  Right now my prayer is that my husband who is employed by the Federal Government (Missouri National Guard) can keep his job and not loose it as a result of sequestration.  I would really like to keep my medical insurance.  Is that so much to ask?