feeling good

Things have been going well! I feel good, I have an appetite (which would be ok to do without sometimes!), I have been working 40 hour weeks and taking care of my family, and grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning...basically things are almost back to normal. The only physical signs that remind me of my diagnosis are the port that is still in my chest and the bag that still hangs on my left side, plus a few sores on my back and arms.

My bloody noses have just about resovled themselves. I was getting those daily! (sometimes it seemed like hourly)

I did finally color my hair...and I have to say quite a bit fell out...but I am blessed enough to have a head FULL of hair, and could stand to loose a strand or two...or 200!

This past week was my daughters 2nd birthday...just looking at her keeps things in perspective. I am blessed beyond belief! I have an amazing husband and a very active 2 year old that keeps me busy. (I have said all this before, but I can't help myself)

As I am feeling good, I wanted to post a few blogs of some women that are also dealing with a cancer diagnoses. Please keep these girls and the thousands of others in your thoughts and prayers.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jackieo/journal

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ginnywilson/journal


Being told you have cancer and getting the strength to conquer it, is tough! I have been so blessed to have such support!

This Tuesday I meet with my surgeon. I look forward to that. I will keep you posted!!!

Have a FABULOUS weekend!!!

Today will be a great day, and tomorrow....you know it...will be better!

I have been carried...

Happy Easter! I was blessed enough this past week to get to go on a date with my husband, then the next night to go on another date...a double date, with my husband and daughter and we met up with my sister and her friend Chris. We had a great dinner and then enjoyed some ice cream afterwards. It sure is nice to have my appetite back, but I seem to have gotten carried away. Then on the third evening, I got to go on yet ANOTHER date with my husband to church (minus Charly), and after church we got ice cream (yes again). Like I said... the eating has gotten out of control...I will work on that. :) But dang it feels good to get back to normal again. After my surgery I lost 23 lbs, and to date have gained back...um....6! Not too bad. It would be nice if my next surgery causes some weight loss as well! :) That is one pro to the surgery...and the fact that I can eliminate the bag!!!!

Today we had an awesome Easter...
Charly spotting Easter Eggs outside...


This morning we looked for eggs, which Charly loved, and then got ready and headed out to the mall to wear out Charly...er, I mean play. Who would have thought the dang mall was closed for Easter...so instead we went to do the next best thing...grocery shopping! Charly was a perfect angel...praise GOD! Normally grocery shopping is a chore with her. She was even so good and cute, the check out girl gave her an Easter balloon! The best part about the trip, was the fact that I didn't have to worry about touching anything and getting sick. I feel like a new person.



This week I was suppose to meet with my surgeon, but I have had to push it back to May 3rd... so look for that post in the future! :) I am so excited about the surgery, and scared at the same time. I mean...there's not much worse than being gutted...and then having to recover! I still vividly recall how painful it was...

Anyway... on this Easter day, I just wanted to share with everyone, how I have survived up to this point. It is very simple...I am a believer. I have been carried this entire way by my Savior. He has gotten me this far, and will continue to carry me till I am able to walk on my own again, and at that point, he will walk beside me! I thank the Lord every day for the blessings in my life...one of them being my cancer diagnosis. It might be hard to understand how being diagnosed with cancer is a blessing, but if this cancer had not been found this early, my life in the future would have been devastating. He has watched over me! In church last night they sang the Rascall Flats song I posted. The words made me cry. He will never let me go!!!

~Today I smiled because we celebrate the fact that Jesus was risen from the dead! HE LIVES!!!

~Today I smiled during our Easter Egg hunt...I love being a mom, I love having a 2 year old...each day gets better!

~Today I smiled because my baby is almost 2!!!



~Today I smiled because grocery shopping was a breeze with Charly!

~Today I smiled because I made my husband happy by agreeing to let him buy a boat. (This is a big deal in Andrew's life!)

~Today I smiled...it feels good to smile!

Today was a wonderful day...tomorrow will be just as great!

the end is near...

I had an appointment today for lab work...MY LABS WERE GREAT!!! This is a first. I was so happy...not only were my labs good, but I turned in my chemo pump today! YES! That felt good. Today would have been chemo treatment #5. Thank God I didn't have to take it. Currently I am dealing with sores on my body from the chemo. I have them on my arms, upper back and chest. Today the Nurse Practitioner told me this was a common side effect. I tell you...that Chemo is some bad ju ju!

I was talking to a pharmacist at work and told him how I thought that chemo was the devil. He said at an oncologist conference he was at, one of the oncologist said that if it wasnt' for their license, they could be charged with murder or poisoning because that chemo is so nasty. I believe that! It sucks.

I am still dealing with not feeling like myself. I was told it would take months for that to happen. Of course in about a month I will probably be getting my surgery and then I'm right back to square one...at least this should be it! Let us hope!!!

My posts probably won't be as frequent, as I will try to soak up and enjoy as much time with my almost 2 year old as I can. I know when I have surgery I won't be able to do much with her at all for about 3 weeks. I don't look forward to that.

~I smiled today because instead of cooking, I talked my husband into ordering pizza!

~I smiled today because it was a beautiful day...storms and all!

~I smiled today because life is so good!

Today was a good day...tomorrow will be so much better!!!

it's a miracle!

I've been walking around all day short of breath. REALLY short of breath...to the point that I know my body and know something is terribly wrong. I'm not a complainer and I NEVER go to the doctor...or I should say I NEVER DID until I was diagnosed with this friggen crap. I went in today to the cancer center for another shot of neupogen. They were just going to give it to me...that is until I mentioned I was short of breath. They drew some STAT labs and took me to the infusion room to hang out and wait. The oncology nurses gathered around me...I think I'm one of their favorite patients! :) (at least I would like to believe that!) They all knew I was not doing chemo anymore and they were thrilled for me. They felt bad that I had to go through so much stuff before we cut the chemo...and they also felt bad they wouldn't be seeing me as frequently! (that made me feel good) I will miss them.... I will not miss the infusion room though. I will not miss the chemo! I will not miss the cancer center. Can you tell I hate chemo!

Anyway...my stat labs came back and the nurse practitioner came in to see me. I do love her...even if she doesn't listen very well and only likes to "bless my heart"! She told me she believed I was either getting bronchitis or pneumonia and the neupogen was attacking it in my lungs causing inflammation which was causing the shortness of breath! Thank God! I thought I was just severely out of shape! :)

The good thing is my labs are incredibly good! It is a miracle! My WBC is up to 4.19 overnight and my neutrophils are a soaring 2.48!!! I am a miracle child! God has blessed me! Even though the neupogen hurt like the dickens and caused me crippeling bone pain (which has now subsided to merely a pain in my rear)...it did it's job! This time I am so glad my body reacts so well to medications...I am ok now to go into Charly's birthday party without the fear of getting sick! Although I am exhausted and worn out...Saturday's party WILL go on and be so much fun!

On another good note...My surgeon called me today! I WILL GET MY SURGERY SOON! Hopefully in a month! I'm not expecting to get it before then. I will need some time off of the chemo and my blood to return to as normal as possible! I am thrilled.

Life is good.

I smiled today because my mom got to meet one of my lifesavers...Cindy! :)

I smiled today because even though my child peed on the couch and the floor...I am still blessed to have a child! :)

I smiled today because I get to go home this weekend for a birthday party... for MY child!

I smiled today because it was beautiful out!

I smiled today because life IS good...even with a cancer diagnosis!

Today was a terrific day...tomorrow will be even better!

a survivor!!!

I did not give up...(although I do kind of feel like that)...I am a survivor!

I went to the cancer center today to get my blood drawn. Results were HORRIBLE. I ended up getting another 3000.00 shot of neupogen today and another 3000.00 shot of neupogen tomorrow. I love spending money, but I wouldn't waste a penny on this crap! It litterally has me walking like a crippled person. I have experienced the most intense pain in my left leg and hip it is enough to drive you insane! I only hope that the 6000.00 I spend this week on shots has some amazing results.

Anyway...back to being a survivor...(and yes, secretly I wish I could go on the show...because if I can do 4 rounds of chemo, I can kick Boston Rob's butt)

I met with the nurse practitioner today and...
I discussed how last week was hellacious for me and mentioned I wanted to meet with Dr. R (my oncologist) next week before my next treatment. I wanted his opinion and wanted to discuss thing, like alternatives to this chemo crap. I do like my nurse practitioner...but I'm not sure she really understood just how horrible of a week I had last week (or maybe she really didn't HEAR me)...especially since her only response was "Bless your heart, we'll do a shot today, a shot tomorrow and I'll see you next week for chemo". DID SHE EVEN LOOK AT MY LABS? I'm pretty sure all the nurses did, considering I could hear them while I was in the room waiting...they were all saying "did you see Jennifer's white blood count?" They were impressed that I could possible still be walking around...although I do feel like a zombie, I am still semi alert and oriented. Well, turns out...

Dr. R is going on vacation next week (lucky man), so she had him come in to see me today. We had a wonderful discussion and after reviewing my labs, and side effects I have been experiencing, he came to the conclusion (rather quickly) that the chemo was infact causing neurotoxicity and just plain causing me to be toxic. I'm telling you, that stuff is poison. He mentioned my blood can not tolerate it and we (mainly he) decided what was best for me at this time, was to contact my surgeon and plan on having my reversal surgery (WOOOT WOOOT) in the coming month or so! I will have to be treated for the next possibly week or two to get my blood counts back to a reasonable level...I will have to meet with the surgeon to discuss the actual surgery and what to expect (although I think I'm a pro at this surgery already...well, at least the recovery part) and go from there....

Although I had this entire idea already in my head and had already really given up, I am not a quitter (at least I'm claiming I'm not, since Dr. R. came to this decision on his own!!!). I am a survivor. I'm pretty sure if I had the 8 doses at 100% strength I would not live to tell about it. That stuff is so toxic to me I would most definitely suffer severe long term side effects for the rest of my life. The cancer wouldn't kill me, it would be the chemo.

If after the surgery is done and the pathology comes back saying I do in fact need to continue with the chemo, I will be placed at that time on a newer drug, causing less (or no) side effects! That sounds doable to me!

I smiled alot today. I was relieved. I was happy! I see a brighter tomorrow.

Today was a good day, tomorrow is going to be MUCH better!!!!

out of breath...

I am literally out of breath daily! I am tired. I think the chemo is killing me. I am convinced there isn't any cancer left in my body (I don't think there was any when I started chemo). I am struggleing these days. If my Dr. had not told me that if I choose not to do the chemo he couldn't argue...I might think differently. I am tired. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired...and if it is for no reason...I feel like I am done. This chemo can't guarantee my cancer won't come back. It can't guarantee anything really. In fact it might do more harm? Who knows.

I keep telling myself...knowing you have (or had) cancer is half the battle...once you know and have removed it (like in my situation), the rest of my life will be full of doctors actually listening to my complaints (like if I haven't pooped in 12 days) and doing a butt load (no pun intended) of tests (colonoscopies, CT scans, PET scans, blood work, etc). If my cancer ever does come back, it will be caught in time and dealt with again. Right? Someone tell me this makes sense! PLEASE!!!

I am only 32 years old... I shouldn't feel like I'm 80. I should have some energy to play with my daughter and enjoy my days. I should be able to go to a playground or store and not worry about what I touch and bring wipes with me to wipe everything I come in contact with. I should not have to worry about kissing my baby girl when she has a runny nose. I am tired of this.

I have completed 4 treatments (2 months)...it feels like an eternity. I am suppose to have 4 more treatments (2 more months) before my surgery. I'm not sure if that will happen. I go in Wednesday for blood work...one of my many side effects is my low blood counts...I may have to talk to the doctor then about my concerns. I would hate to have this chemo kill me, and I seriously think it is (it definitely feels like it anyway).

Am I being a baby? Am I complaining too much? I just spent the last 30 minutes with an uncontrollable bloody nose...this really sucks.

This last chemo treatment was the hardest by far! The neuropathy set in, and I literally felt like a mental patient...my hands and feet were bothering me so bad with their constant itching, tingling, pain that it was driving me crazy. On top of that I didn't feel well and was exhausted. I spent an entire day on the verge of tears or in tears...I should have been admitted to the mental hospital. I was going crazy! This time has been too much for me.

I want to feel good again. I want to quit.

easy peasy...

NO IT ISN'T! I hope I am not giving off the impression that cancer and cancer treatment (chemo in my case) is easy. IT IS NOT!

Today is a tough day for me...actually it spilled over from yesterday. I told the nurse practitioner that after my 4 months of chemo and then my surgery... I was DONE! I did not want to do the last 2 months. She informed me I needed to discuss that with the doctor, which I told her I would gladly do! I am so tired of this. Tired of feeling bad. Tired of worrying about getting sick and ending up in the hospital because I can't fight off anything. Tired of all the side effects. Tired of CANCER! I want the 4 months done, I want my reversal surgery and then I want to be FINISHED! I want to go on with my life...my NORMAL life...my cancer free life.

I am proud I have gotten this far with a fairly good attitude about it. I am proud of what I have accomplished and the lessons I have learned...but I'm tired now, and I'm ready to stop. I know...I'm a wuss!

Today I went in for the 1st of my $3000.00 neupogen shots I will get this week. I can't wait for these side effects...they are lovely. Bones aching...feeling bad...oh joy! Tomorrow I'll go back in for another one. That is a total of $6000.00 worth of shots, $12,000.00 worth of chemo, $10.00 for my prescription Zofran (gotta have that), $250.00 for the doctor visit...all in one week...a grand total of: $18,260.00! Like I said before...CANCER IS EXPENSIVE!!! Oh, plus I ordered my supplies for my colostomy today for $389.94! Wowza!

So, last night I was up all night with pain and throbbing and numbness to my hands! Remember what my feet looked like? That is what happened to my hands...except every finger tip went numb! I talked to the nurse practitioner today and she informed me they could not lower the dose anymore...oh gee...this is going to be a lovely 4 more treatments. Pray for strength for me...and endurance...I will need it! Also pray this neuropathy that I am experiencing with my hands does not end up permanent...that would be horrible!

I have already started to feel nauseous...it could be because I am so upset right now about this crap I have to go through...all I can say is thank GOD for Zofran...it seems to be working. I also ate some lunch which should help.

The mouth sores are back along with the sores in my nose that never went away. Those nose sores cause BAD bloody noses daily! Part of my morning and evening and pretty much all day long regimen is putting either Vaseline or bacitracin up my nose. It is one lovely beauty tip! It works though!

The constipation has set in already...now I get to look forward to 2-3 days of diarrhea ahead...LOVELY! This stuff is like clock work!

I'm telling you...this chemo is some nasty stuff! It wears you down, and makes you angry. It literally kicks your butt! Good thing I'm still fighting. I might have been knocked down a little, but I will always get back up and kick cancers arse!

Thank you all for the support! The emails, the facebook messages, the messages on the blog, the letters and gifts, the meals!!! It is all so helpful! It lifts my spirits!

Today is a good day...I'm praying tomorrow will be better!

ANOTHER MILESTONE...

Surviving my first surgery - milestone #1 (I found out today that my surgeon said if I had waited another day he would have given me about a 1% chance to survive)... yes, the surgery that completely gutted me.. and now I am 1/2 way to my next big surgery- milestone #4, that will once again gut me! Yes I am looking forward to it. I want to be done with this crap and on the road to complete recovery. It would also be nice to eliminate this bag I have CONSTANTLY hanging from my stomach. Slightly accepting this bag - milestone #2...there was a time I couldn't even look at it. Dang I hate it! And of course milestone #3 would be my first chemo treatment. Did I mention I'm kind of tired of milestones?

So Chemo #4 went about like this:

1. Got my mediport accessed...NO PAIN! :) WAAAAAHOOOOOO
2. Got my labs drawn.
3. Met with the nurse practitioner who told me my labs were very low. This time they were going to put all my chemo drugs to 80%. Her reason was so "they don't kill me with the chemo". Really...did she just tell me that? If the cancer doesn't kill me, I'm almost convinced the chemo could! Once again my labs are low (not as low as they have been before) and now I will go in tomorrow and Thursday for a shot of the 3000.00 neupogen both days. Oh...I can't wait for the bone pains again!

The nurse practitioner thinks the 5-FU is causing me all the side effect problems. So I'm hoping that at 80% it will be a walk in the park. I'm really not sure what it feels like to feel "good" I guess! When I think I feel great, my labs are low...and when I feel bad my labs have been good! I am seriously screwed up!

4. I took my seat in the infusion room to get "premedicated" with Decadron, Ativan, and Zofran...a couple of my favorite meds! :)
5. After 30 minutes they hooked my chemo up to infuse.



And Andrew and I enjoyed our time together....

Of course lunch was served, and I know you are all dying to know what we ate...

chicken strips, fries and who the heck knows what that yellow stuff is...





Not quite sure what the yellow stuff was...some kind of vegetable. Can you tell I'm kind of a picky eater??? Once again...andrew was my guinea pig and tried it....


Once again...he hated it! :) We laughed. Life is good.

During my chemo infusion I did talk him into making out with me...well, if one kiss counts as making out! (actually it took 4 kisses to get a semi-good picture since he was nervous) Who can say they made out in the infusion center at the Cancer Center? MOI! My husband is a good sport...and I love him!


Don't worry... there was nobody around:




So, tomorrow I go back in for my shot... for now... I'm hooked up to my 5-FU and infusing away! Did I mention I hate my pump? There really isn't much about cancer or cancer treatment that I don't hate!

Keep the prayers going that my labs go up and things start to improve. Here is to a week with my fingers crossed that I make it through without being sick!

Today I smiled because my husband took me to the bakery for a treat! I am addicted to the bakery!

Today I smiled because I got to visit with the man who saved my life!!! LOVE YOU JON.

Today I smiled because we went on a short walk with Charly and the weather was beautiful!!!

Today I smiled because I have a great husband!

Today was a good day...I hope tomorrow is better!!!

Praise the Lord!

I have lost my hair! There will not be any more pictures of me. (at least until I get a wig!) April Fools! :) I know...not funny!!! I probably just jinxed myself big time! :)

But seriously...

Things have been going so well. My last treatment was rough on me! My labs were so low, I was terrified my oncologist was going to take me off work and never let me step foot outside of my house again! Because my labs were low, I was told I would get a series of 5 shots of neupogen to boost my bone marrow into making some more white blood cells for me as well as some neutrophils. So last Friday I went in for some lab work, got the results and was told I needed to get my first shot of neupogen and to return Monday for the second of five shots.

That shot HURT! Not only did the shot hurt, but I woke up a few mornings with my bones just killing me (yeah for side effects!!!).

The coolest thing about me, is that I am so receptive to the chemo treatment that it works too well!!! The second coolest thing about me, is that I am so receptive to the neupogen shots, that it worked too well!!! I only needed one! I was truly amazed. I was feeling so lousy over the weekend, I was just sure my labs were still low. I went in Monday and had my blood drawn and to my surprise, my labs were significantly higher (higher than they have ever been on chemo) and I did not need to take the other four shots! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

I have thoroughly enjoyed my week off of chemo! I gave lots of baths to Charly, made lots of dinners for my family, and worked all week!!! I really have tried to pick up some of the slack that gets thrown on Andrew during my chemo week, to give him a break! I'm sure he enjoyed it! I told him it was his early birthday present!!! By the way, Happy Birthday to my husband (tomorrow)! I have to tell you that I am definitely married to my true love! I would not be able to survive this cancer stuff without him! He makes me laugh, he encourages me, he supports me, and he loves me (even with the bag!). I am beyond blessed!!!

So...I'm signing off till next week...chemo treatment number 4! I look for a PET scan in my near future again and being half way to surgery! YAHOOO!!!! This weekend will be wonderful! Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, and always have a smile on your face!

~I smiled today because my sister actually babysat for me so Andrew and I could go out!

~I smiled today because it was April Fools day! I love pranks!

~I smiled today because it is Friday, and I am ready for a weekend with my daughter!!! (Andrew has drill)

~I smiled today because tomorrow I get to go pick up Andrew's birthday cake from the bakery!!! MY FAVORITE!!!

Today was a great day, tomorrow...Happy Birthday to my husband...will be wonderful!