Cancer Schmancer....

News Flash...I have cancer.  CANCER!  It hasn't gone away.  It is really wierd to think about it because most of the time I don't feel like I have it.  But it is there...it is always there...in the back of my mind...life goes on....
I was feeling pretty bad today because I had decided to cancel my appointment to start chemo again.  I just wasn't ready to endure another 12 weeks of hell after feeling so good (... like having a liver resection has been a vacation for me....how sad is that?).  Anyway...so I thought to myself: dang, I let it get to me...I let it win today...I couldn't fight and kick its arse and go to my appointment.  I felt pretty bad.  I am tired of being in fighting mode, and I still have it in me, a fight that is...but dang...I just wanted a break....ok...a little longer break...with no surgery, no recovery, no pain...just me, feeling like me again....if I can even remember what me feels like anymore!  So anyway...after trying to come up with an excuse to cancel and postpone what is bound to happen, I found out I didn't have chemo today after all!  So...there cancer....I still win! :)  It turns out that they are giving me till March 8th so that I can visit with my Oncologist and then start chemo treatment # 1 of  # 6 on March 11th.  Ok, so it turns out I am not a complete chemo chicken and even though I thought I cancelled something I shouldn't have, I didn't, and therefore I still win, right?  I still come out on top!  CANCER, YOU SUCK!

I am definitely going to enjoy the last couple weeks chemo free!  I have to.  I have no choice.  I am not going to cancel March 11...I'm going to get back into it and KICK ITS ARSE!  Again...CANCER YOU SUCK!

Cancer aint cheap folks....

The days are flying by.  Chemo will start up again before I know it.  I dread it.  DREAD! The only thing that keeps me positive right now is to keep in mind that I am on the down hill slope with only 6 more treatments.  That is 6 more treatments and what will feel like a life time of scans to worry over.  The hardest part for me so far has not been the treatment or the surgeries, but the burden I put on my family and husband.  I have said it before...cancer is not cheap.  This year we are looking at a total of 10,000 out of pocket before our deductible is met for 2013 (this includes 2012 deductible since we have just started recieving medical bills for my chemo that started in October!).  On top of the lovely 10,000.00 we will pay for medical bills I had to purchase hearing aides in January costin me 4,090.00 out of pocket (insurance paid 2500.00).  Every month I pay for my prescriptions which add up (anti-nausea meds, ativan, depression meds, etc) .... all of this is a result of cancer.  AND all on one income now, thanks to cancer.  I continue to battle stage 4 cancer.  I continue to fight every day.  I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me or to ask for anything, but so you take a second to realize what it would be like if God forbid this happened to you.  If you lost your job, how would that affect your family?  If you couldn't live without medical treatment that?  I have truely been blessed with some amazing friends and families and COMPLETE STRANGERS that have supported me and helped out financially when we needed it the most.  For that I want to thank you.  Right now my prayer is that my husband who is employed by the Federal Government (Missouri National Guard) can keep his job and not loose it as a result of sequestration.  I would really like to keep my medical insurance.  Is that so much to ask?  

CHANGE

I was talking to my mom the other day.  We were talking about how cancer affects your life.  We talk about cancer alot.  It seems to be the topic of many discussions.  My response to her was that "cancer ruins your life and your plans".  I quickly took back my words and changed them.  "Cancer just changes your life" I said.  I can't be angry at the way things are now.  At least not all the time.  You have to accept the change and move forward....and try not to look back.  Don't look back.  I have been thinking about this quite a bit since I am planning a trip back to Jefferson City soon to see some friends.  I think about our old life.  I think about how things were great.  I think about how you never know what is around the corner.  YOU. NEVER. KNOW! I write that as a warning as much as a celebration.  Things change.  Doesn't mean they have to be worse...even with cancer. 

Our lives are what we work for.  You plan (HA!!!!) and work toward goals and sometimes things get in the way....hurdles...and you maneuver around them.  You crash into them...you jump over them...or maybe you try to avoid them.  They are there though.  It is a little something called life.  LIFE.  I am no expert on life or how to live it.  I just do the best I can.  It isn't easy and I don't want it to look easy.  It isn't easy for me.  I have struggles too...but you move forward.  You pray, you love, you trust, you hope and more than anything you keep your faith.  I choose to use this struggle for good.  I choose to grow from it.  I choose to get through the hurdles that life throws at me.  Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it isn't, but when you get through them, the reward is so great.  That doesn't necessarily mean the reward here on Earth either.  I am not living my life for the rewards here...I just plan on enjoying them to the fullest while they last.  My reward is waiting for me...when the time comes I will joyfully jump that hurdle. 

Cancer has changed my life.  It is a challenge for a relationship to withstand 2 years of struggles and hurdles.  I am blessed with a husband that has stood by me and support me.  Our goals and plans have changed, and not by our choice, but we have to accept them and continue this marathon called life.  If I never do anything right again in life, I have to say I did make the smartest choice when choosing my husband and then on top of that was blessed beyond belief with my beautiful daughter.  I have a family that is there for me and loves me and supports me.  They fight this battle with me, and for that I am truely thankful. 

Financially, cancer is not cheap.  It puts things in perspective.  You take fewer trips to walmart and more trips to the pharmacy. It is a hurdle that is thrown in your path.  

Spiritually you can't help but question and grow from your experience.  You lean on the Lord for all your strength and you keep your faith. 

I love that quote that says "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".  Mine just happens to be cancer. 

STAPLES OUT!

My appointment Wednesday went well.  I was unable to meet with the surgeon but did meet with the nurse practitioner.  Ever since I fell out of the shower I have had a hard time with my lungs and after discussing this again with the NP she ordered another chest xray and some lab work because ever since my surgery my normal 50-60 pulse has been 110-120.... not sure what is going on.  My xray came back better than the initial one that showed the lung collapse, but still not good and after the doctor reviewed it he wanted me to continue to do 10 deep breaths on the spirometry an hour.  They also continue to talk about a dense "mass" on my lung that they are not too concerned about but that I should mention it to my oncologist when I see her the end of February for a follow up CT scan.  My 33 staples did come out and the incision looks good.  The mysterious area that has been bothering me, ends up being a large hematoma with scar tissue buildup around it.  I am scheduled for a 4 week follow up again with the surgeon, but I am doing well.  I feel great.  Next appointment is with the oncologist on February 22nd and chemo is planned to resume on the 25th.  I'm planning on enjoying my time till then and making a trip to Jefferson City to see some of my favorite people in the world!  Until then....