Lets just say I'm OK!

It is 4:30 a.m.....I have been awake all night. I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I had a nice long Sunday afternoon nap, or if it is because of the pain I have from mouth sores or if it is some kind of insomnia. It is awful. I just want to snuggle up in my bed next to my 3 year old and sleep. That is not going to happen though. Instead I write! Last week was chemo treatment #2. It was the pits. I came home from my infusion and spent the evening on the couch with cool rags on my head and neck and just feeling bad. Then day 2 was a little better, but I tell you that dang pump hanging around is just an annoyance...and constant reminder...and therefore I just feel bad when I have it on. I always look forward to Wednesday and disconnecting, as does my 3 year old. She hates when I have my pump on and the entire time can not wait to help me disconnect my "medicine". She hates it just as much as I do. Anyway...Then the rest of the week was kind of a blur. Although I did not have much vomitting...I was just plain exhausted and sick. I know I start to feel better when I am not on the verge of crying and I just feel like crying because I am so worn down. By the weekend I start to feel better. I push it though with Andrew home and trying to be as "normal" as possible. My mom reminds me constantly that I am in fact not "OK" as I tell people when they ask how I am doing. I just really don't want to respond every time with "I feel like this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me", (but I don't want to say that because I know it could always be worse)...or what I really want to say "...(lots and lots of cuss words)...". Really I am just happy that I am done with chemo number 2. I try not to focus on the long journey I have ahead of me...instead I live for the week that I feel good (and "good" is relative). I am pretty good at looking as normal as possible when I have to... and acting like I feel normal. I'm not sure what normal feels like anymore to tell you the truth. Those that see me chemo week, know that I am in fact not "normal". The lack of showering and clothing change is an indication. I do however brush my teeth...and that is a big deal! By the time I can shower again (remember I can't shower with my pump Monday-till disconnect)...I am already so exhausted that a shower just seems like a lot of work...so I go another day and then I'm even worse...and another day leads to another day and before you know it...I am a hideous mess. Please...I'm warning you now...don't come see me on chemo week! It is not a pretty picture. Thank goodness I have a "good" week in between my bad weeks... Right now I am feeling pretty good. I am just dealing with some mouth sores that are pretty painful. They don't look bad at all, but I think I am convinced now that the reason I am not sleeping is because my mouth is in pain. If it isn't one thing it is another, so I really can't complain. I am very thankful that I have not lost my hair. (I know I just friggen jinxed myself by typing that...and I'm sure I will regret it...) I don't know who I need to remind, but let me just say it again...this girl will not look good bald...so I urge you all...positive thoughts and prayers my way, that this head of hair I have will stay. It will not only make me a happy girl, but it will make this world a more beautiful place! :) I'm looking forward to a great week. It is Halloween on Wednesday, and although that happens to be day 10 of my treatment regimen...I'm going to pray that it doesn't interfere with my plans for trick-or-treating with one very excited Dora the Explorer. Have a great week. Let your loved ones know you love them and hug them all a little tighter.

RED FACED...

Today I have been very red faced and flushed. I think it has something to do with my steroids and premeds that they pump me full of before I start my chemo. I'm thankful that the sun is starting to go down...that means one more night of sleeping with this pump and then I will be disconnecting tomorrow. I have not slept well the last 2 or 3 nights. That makes for long days and for someone that is already worn out because of the chemo it makes things worse. I need a good nights sleep. I look forward to disconnecting. Chemo number 2 went as scheduled. I did not get the extra chemo just yet. I will discuss with my oncologist next Friday if I will start it or not. I was thrilled not to get it and even happier that I got out of the infusion center in record time. The only down side to that was my dear friend Amanda had a surprise to deliver to me at the infusion center and I had already left for the day. It did show up later at my door and definitely made my day. I can't begin to tell you how blessed I am with the love and friendships that surround me. Our meals for the week have been provided by Jan, Shirley and Jessica and we have eaten WELL! The meals have been life savers, as this week is never very good for me. I usually do pretty well for the first 2 1/2 days, but as soon as I made it home from the infusion center straight to the couch I went for the rest of the night. It kicked my booty yesterday and in turn I fought back and kicked it today! Today has been a good day. Although I look like a cherry tomatoe... I feel pretty good, other than the exhaustion. If I over do it I can tell I start to get sick. I keep on my Zofran and Ativan RELIGIOUSLY for the first 3 or so days. They help. Thank God for them. I am thankful that although we really really really miss our home in Jefferson City and all our friends...we are here close to family and equally great friends! This makes it so nice. I can't ask for more. Tomorrow is disconnect day and I already know that even though today was a good day...tomorrow will be even better. :)

labs and more chemo...

quick update: Yesterday I had an appointment for labs. I am happy to report that although my blood counts are low I will be able to get treatment number 2. This is HUGE. As much as I do not look forward to it...I REALLY need it! This will keep me on track and that is good. I also got the results of my CEA level (which did go up) and the result of the biopsy to see if it has the KRAS mutation. Apparently I do not have the KRAS mutation in my liver and you would think that is a good thing, except I think now it means I will be getting an additional chemo call Cetuximab which will not only keep me at the infusion center longer but also comes with a lovely side effect of a pimply rash on your face, chest and back! So...not only do I get to look forward to loosing my hair...I also will get to look 13 again! I do appreciate those brilliant minds that created the treatment for colon cancer...I just wish they would work on the side effects a little more! :) Enjoy your weekend...I know I will!

JUST A LITTLE GREY SPOT...

If talking about cutting part of your liver out was something everyone did then this blog would be boring!

Here is the CT that shows the shaded grey spot on my liver that turned out to be cancer. I met with the Liver Surgeon today and he actually put me at ease. I mean, as much at ease as anyone can who is talking about cutting out your liver like it was something he does every day. I kind of think he does though...so it was no big deal to him. Actually...he told me on a scale of 1-10 for difficulty this would be a 3 and that he would treat it like a 10 (as he said he treats all his surgeries). I loved that! He definitely won me over. I went in there not liking him from the start. I mean...who really is good enough to cut you open and save your life? I'm glad I didn't have to choose that... and God was really looking out for me when he brought Dr. T and I together that winter day in January of 2011. Dr. T saved my life...and I'm really praying this surgeon does too! Today was different...I have the opportunity to plan this surgery and choose a surgeon. I will continue to pray about it. I do believe that this will be my surgeon. The surgery is only planned to take 1 1/2 hours and I should only be in the hospital 3-5 days...and I promised him I would be out by day 3. I came home from my consult with the liver surgeon to this:

What a fabulous surprise! Made my day! Enjoy your evening and drink a glass of beer or wine for me...I'm going to have to pass since I'm trying to save my liver! Love you all!

DAY 10 BEHIND A LOCKED DOOR

I have some updating to do...It has been approximately 10 days...maybe a bit more. The reason I know that is I was warned of day 10 on this chemo. They were right. I'll get back to that...and lets start at the beginning. Well, the beginning of this chemo...THIS time around. I cried my eyes out with my husband the night before my chemo treatment. Yes, I do cry. Something to do with being diagnosed with cancer and then having to go through hell and beyond and coating it with some chemo will tend to make a girl cry....probably a guy too! :) I tell you people...I am really not as strong as you think. The tears do help. Anyway...back to crying the night before...I did this because I knew (or had a good idea) of how I was going to be feeling the next day and I didn't like it. I have been feeling so good great(even with cancer growing inside of me) and then to be knocked down is just devastating. I tell you...this time around I am not as peppy as before, but I do think I have a bit more bite to me. I am super pissed this stuff came back and really super pissed that it has bullied its way into my life...mostly because it affects nearly everyone around me just as much (if not more) than it affects me. I hate that for them. I hate that for me. I hate cancer. SO... my husband and I showed up to the infusion center. We were the first ones there. My appointment was at 8 am. I was ready to just get it started and over with. I didn't anticipate having to get my freshly placed port accessed 3 times...let me repeat that THREE TIMES...and it didn't feel good. It would have been one thing if this was the worst part of my day, but it wasn't...that came when I got hooked back up to that STUPID pump that I have to carry around for 46 hours. I know it is 46 hours because there is a count down on the pump...that I watch regligiously...I also hate that thing. It is a constant reminder of the fact that I have this nasty horrid stuff flowing into my body and then when I disconnect it is almost a mean joke. I feel pretty good the days the pump is on...except for the fact that I have to be connected to it...and then when I disconnect, that is when I start to feel bad. I did that last time too. This time things were a little different but not much... I absolutely did not have any neuropathy or cold sensitivity...DID NOT HAVE IT AT ALL!!! In fact I drank ice cold water while I was being infused with the chemo at the cancer center and that was my way of giving it the finger. I guess the fact that having neuropathy and cold sensitivity is not a side effect helps though! So...the side effects were discussed with me prior to my infusion... Some of the chemo I get is called Irinotecan and in other words, like my nurse described, it can also be known as "i-run-to-the-can". She loaded me up with lots of premeds, this time to include Atropine to help with stomach cramping and diarrhea that she told me I could possibly get immediately...I didn't! Thank goodness. Mostly because I still do have a fear of going number 2 in public...but also the bathroom at the infusion center does not have a lock on it "FOR PATIENT SAFETY" and that just does not make me feel safe and/or comfortable enough to go number 2. So I was lucky (thank you GOD for that blessing) that I did not have diarrhea at the infusion center. They did tell me that if I didn't get it immediately I would get it on day 10. They were right. RIGHT ON THE MONEY! I will spare you the details, but know that I was safe and comfortable behind a locked door! So yesterday was day 10 and I skipped a bunch of days in there. The first week was filled with lots of FATIGUE, VOMIT and NAUSEA...so it wasn't much fun. The great part of the week was full of meals from my mom and mother-in-law which helped out tremendously. I also managed to schedule an appointment with a liver surgeon that I will go to today. Kinda nervous about this appointment...but if it involves a trip to WORLD MARKET with my mom it will make everything better. :) I like to forget about my first week and go directly to week 2. I feel much better week 2 (minus day 10...and really that only affected me for half of the day)...with mostly just some fatigue and slight nausea and upset stomach. I have managed to keep my hair so far, but I am not out of the clear and every day that I see hair fall out I weep inside a little more. Believe me...this girl will not look good bald...so for whoever out there is really wanting me to loose my beautiful hair...I beg you to reconsider. We did have a great Monday with Andrew home thanks to his new 4 day work week. I just love the time we have together. It really does mean more to me now than it ever did. I never took having a family for granted. I struggled to have a family. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter for me or a more perfect dad for her. I am thankful for the struggles in my life for the lessons they have taught me. I would however be ok with a few years of no lessons... But... the reward from learning is so sweet. So I go on. One day at a time! That is all we have...today! Nothing is guaranteed. Treasure it. Own it. LOVE it. most importantly...LIVE it!

I couldn't be more thankful for the fact that I am not further into my treatment this mtime of year. I'm not sure how crappy I will feel the further into it I go...but I'm sure it will not be fun. This is my favorite month. I love October. I love Halloween. Yes...that is me...the mom that loves to scare her child in the Halloween Store or the aisle at Walmart with the costumes and masks. I know I will probably go to hell for it...but I can't help myself! I love this time of year. I can't NOT buy the fake poop and gummy boogers and fake bubba teeth. Yes...that was me in church with the bubba teeth in...and I did give gummy boogers to some little boys I know and love down the street and I had to use the fake poop on the other little boys I know and love. I of course had to include a picture of the poop I put on my nephew William's library book. Hillarious...I know. I will do anything for a good laugh! :)

So now that day 10 is behind me...I have a great weekend to look forward to. It is going to be packed full of things to do with some amazing time spent with my family. Then...again...Sunday night I will be the one bawling my eyes out because bright and early Monday morning I will start treatment number 2. Pray for me. I need the prayers. If you are a prayer warrior...just take a second after you are done reading this and talk to God...He is taking care of me and I'm sure doesn't need any reminders...but it can't hurt right? I am a big advocate of prayers. When I tell someone I will pray for them...I do. I usually spend most of my time on facebook praying for people. I will stop whatever I am doing...and talk to God. It only takes a few seconds. So...if you are someone who says they pray for people and really don't do it...might want to try what I do. When you write it down or tell someone that...at that moment...take a second and just talk to God. He listens. Always! I will report back soon... maybe with details on my appointment today. Pray it goes well! :) (that means stop what you are doing and say a quick prayer) :) Love you guys. You mean the world to me!

A Vacation would be nice!

Once you are diagnosed with cancer...you always have it. What I mean by that is...every little pain, every hurt, every abnormal, every weird feeling...you immediately think cancer. At least for me anyway. It is an awful way to live. You live in fear. Your life has been shortened already by someone telling you "you have cancer". I hate to even write this. I hate to put these thoughts to words. These are the thoughts that I try to ignore. These are the thoughts that I let other thoughts overpower. Instead I like to think of beating the odds and finding a cure and watching my daughter grow up and making it to my 15 and even 20 year anniversary...and my 30 and 40 would even be better. I like to think of vacations that we will have and watching my nephews grow up and spending time with my family and friends and holidays...I can't wait for holidays. The funny thing is that I never really liked Christmas. I hated the fact that we gave gifts when there were so many others suffering with nothing. I hated the fact that during the holidays there were family fights or arguments or hurt feelings, when there are people that would give anything to spend one more holiday sitting around the livingroom with their loved ones just talking and enjoying their company. Thank you cancer for changing my mind. Thank you for letting me go into the holiday season just enjoying what we have and who we are with and along with that knowing that I can enjoy the holiday AND try to help others too. It is so sad that it takes something so horrible like cancer to really soften your heart. I learned so much with my first diagnosis, but I still took things for granted. I never really thought I was going to die. I just expected a long hard road to get better.... now I kind of take things a little more serious. I have learned things already this time around too. I have learned so much about peace and love and how really this is so out of my control that I have to just go with it and give it to God. Tomorrow is chemo day. Please say a prayer for me that I tolerate it well, that I have minimal side effects, that I get to spend some great time with Andrew during my 6 hour infusion, that the 46 hours I have the pump go by so fast, especially since I can't take a shower :), that I can experience peace, that the CHEMO does its job, and that the doctors and nurses at the cancer center go to work knowing that their patients don't want to be there and need them to show kindness and love, and a prayer that Charly has a great day with her grandma while I am gone. Enjoy your Sunday evening. Today was a great day...but tomorrow will be so much better!

Don't be alarmed...we've made it to STAGE 4

It has taken me a day to collect my thoughts and get off of google. GOOGLE is like the worst thing possible when you have been given some tough news to swallow about your health. The first thing I do is google everything I can possibly find on the topic...so yesterday I googled lots of "STAGE 4", "METASTASIS TO THE LIVER", "POSSIBLE TREATMENTS FOR STAGE 4 COLON CANCER", "LIVER RESECTION SURGERIES", "CHEMO, CHEMO, AND MORE CHEMO" and then when it got to things like "PROGNOSIS" and "LIFE EXPECTANCY"...I STOPPED! Do me a favor...don't do it. Don't even go there. Because I am not one of them...I am different. I really believe that. So...I take back that whole sentence a few blogs away about being a recurrance (which it still is), and how it wasn't considered a metastasis (which in fact it is). I was just hoping and clinging to every word that made it not as painful. I am in fact a stage 4 and it has now technically metastasized to my liver. (Both of which my doctor says not to let it scare me) I saw it with my own two eyes. It didn't look very threatening and I immediately knew that I had the strength to beat that. I have never had doubts. I am going to make it. My doctor feels that too. She is so kind. She is so straight forward and very honest with me. When we sat down to discuss the test results and the new diagnosis she was scaring me a bit, until my mom asked her if this is something I am going to come out of and beat and she said of course it is. This is very curable. The spot I have on my liver is not only small but is contained. The plan of attack for this is a new chemo. Very similar to my old chemo but less side effects and of course... more hair loss. So, when I start loosing my hair I expect lots of cool scarfs and hats to come flooding in my mail. :) I will not (or should not) experience any cold sensitivity or neuropathy and that is a huge blessing. I should expect to deal with some nausea and vomiting and diarrhea and all that is tolerable and then of course...hair thinning. I am not very fond of this, but I'm thinking there is someone out there that really wants me to loose my hair, and if that is going to get me through this...I will gladly loose it. I just need to stay focused and get through this. After about 4 rounds of chemo I will have a CT scan to see if the cancer responds by not spreading and if that is the case, Surgery will be done. I am thinking December will be my liver resection surgery. If anyone has any suggestions of amazing liver surgeons I will gladly meet with them all. :) My oncologist has consulted with my doctor in Houston at MD ANDERSON and he will continue to see me when the chemo and surgery are done. I have opted not to go to MD ANDERSON for the surgery at this time. Being away from home for that long will be hard enough and to be hundreds of miles from home makes it difficult on everyone. Please throw lots of prayers my way. If the insertion of the port is any indication of how this round of kicking arse is going to go...I've got it in the bag. I have done amazingly well with this port. I haven't needed any pain meds and have not have much pain and discomfort with it at all. What a huge blessing and relief. Monday will be my first round of chemotherapy. Pray for me that it goes well and there are no side effects that surprise me. I am going into this fight physically and mentally strong. I trust in the Lord with my whole heart that he has me in his hands and that I am safe. I am the winner...He is on my side! My faith keeps me strong. My family and friends keep me strong. I consider myself blessed. Trust in the Lord always. I give this to him. The port today:

The saddest part of this weekend is not the news I was given about my health, but the news that our little foster baby boy will be going home. He has become a part of our family and we love him so much. This will be heart breaking. Please pray for Jaiden that he is surrounded by love, and cared for. He deserves it. I look at him and it makes me feel so small for even being a little upset about my diagnosis. He started his life out rough...he didn't ask to be addicted to Meth when he was born or to be infected with Hepatitis C. He is the happiest little guy despite how rough his life has already been in the short 4 months he has been here. He is one tough little nugget and such an inspiration to me. WE love him so much and pray for only the best for him.

We are opting for a break in foster parenting at this time to focus on our family and get healthy. Thank you again for the love and support. I consider myself not only to be lucky, but so blessed in everything that has come my way. I have to focus on the good out of every situation and use that to my benefit. Only positive thinking going on over here... Looking forward to a great weekend. Enjoy yours and love the ones you are with!

Port number 2

The result of ASAP today:

And oh by the way...this one will NEVER be removed. :) Here we go again...if you missed it the first time...you are getting a second chance. Today was port placement day. It has been much easier and I think that it due to having already had one. Of course...the numbness is still there, but overall I feel great. I am so looking forward to a great weekend. Monday is chemo day....stay tuned. Have a fabulous weekend and a smile on your face. Life is short...enjoy it!!!

this is what ASAP means.

It looks like when they say ASAP they weren't lying. It has been a whirlwind of a ride since I got the phone call about that pesky little spot on my liver. Which by the way, is not a metastasis but considered a recurrance. I have to say I am blessed that they have the kind of technology that can find these things before they find us. In other words...at the moment, I feel great...no symptoms at all...and that is a great thing. Now of course I am soaking up this great feeling and really going to enjoy this weekend as much as I can, because come Monday morning I will be finding myself back in the infusion center hooked back up to some chemo. It looks like ASAP means I will be getting my port put back in tomorrow at 9 am. As much as I am not looking forward to this because I remember how painful it was last time...it is almost like I'm just ready to get it started so I can get it over with. I realize I have a long road ahead of me...but the quicker I start...the quicker I can beat this. Did I mention how much I hate cancer? It also looks like ASAP means I will meet with my doctor on Thursday at 1:20 to go over what I like to call the "plan of attack". As far as I know right now the chemo will be the same, although I am wondering if they will increase the dosage a bit. If you don't remember what it was like before for me, I am one of the lucky ones that gets to experience all the side effects...even the ones that rarely ever happen to people. Yeah me! So...that means my cold liquids and foods and exposure to cold will be carefully removed from my life as much as possible. Did I mention it was going to be a highs in the 50's this weekend and I don't care I am going out for ice cream! This weekend is the Weston Apple Fest and it is one of my favorite things that I will definitely be dragging Andrew too. If you think this is rough on me...please remember to keep him in your prayers as well...it affects him just as much. Did you see the pictures from the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR 5K? I was so proud of myself and my friends and family for raising over 1800.00 toward COLON CANCER RESEARCH AND AWARENESS...now getting on board is my adorable brother...check out his facebook page :TECKLENBURG DESIGN and their website:http://www.tecklenburgdesign.com/ He has a great little spot downtown KC for the First Friday's. This friday he will be there.... and he is donating 10% of his sales to Colon Cancer Research and Awareness for me. So, if you didn't get to participate in supporting the 5K, here is your chance. Not only to help out a cause that is near and dear to my...um...colon.. :) but also to get yourself some great accessories for your house. :) Check out his letters...coffee tables...and sinks. He does lots of custom stuff and refinishing and would puts his heart and soul into it. Check him out!!!! Look for great pictures in the future...I know you guys dig em'! :) Thank you for all the love, support and encouragement...I couldn't do this without you as my support team. Love you all!

Here is the scoop....

October...my favorite month. I just love the Fall. This year October will be tainted with the bad news I received this morning. My Oncologist called to inform me that my cancer did in fact show back up in my Liver which would be a recurrence. They are running more tests on the biopsies for reasons I can't remember due to the fact that my brain shut down after the initial news....what I did remember was that I will: 1. get a port placed this week 2. meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss further what our plan is... 3. RIGHT NOW...plan is to start 3 months of chemo ASAP after my port is placed (this is to try to shrink the 1.4 cm spot and make sure there are no other spots that do not show up on the scan so that when I get to step #4 it can be a curable surgery) 4. THEN...do a liver resection surgery 5. FINALLY...finish up with some more chemo (probably 3 more months) So there you have it...not great news, but I do have to keep in mind that it can always be worse and this is doable....My brother told me after I told him the news, that I would just be bored if I wasn't fighting something...and he is probably right. I'm just a fighter by nature. ;) This time I'm going to kick this cancers arse once and for all so I can move on to other fights.... like what color to paint our bedroom, or what movie to get from the REDBOX....yeah...I like those fights better. Thanks for the prayers...keep them coming! :)