Lets just say I'm OK!

It is 4:30 a.m.....I have been awake all night. I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I had a nice long Sunday afternoon nap, or if it is because of the pain I have from mouth sores or if it is some kind of insomnia. It is awful. I just want to snuggle up in my bed next to my 3 year old and sleep. That is not going to happen though. Instead I write! Last week was chemo treatment #2. It was the pits. I came home from my infusion and spent the evening on the couch with cool rags on my head and neck and just feeling bad. Then day 2 was a little better, but I tell you that dang pump hanging around is just an annoyance...and constant reminder...and therefore I just feel bad when I have it on. I always look forward to Wednesday and disconnecting, as does my 3 year old. She hates when I have my pump on and the entire time can not wait to help me disconnect my "medicine". She hates it just as much as I do. Anyway...Then the rest of the week was kind of a blur. Although I did not have much vomitting...I was just plain exhausted and sick. I know I start to feel better when I am not on the verge of crying and I just feel like crying because I am so worn down. By the weekend I start to feel better. I push it though with Andrew home and trying to be as "normal" as possible. My mom reminds me constantly that I am in fact not "OK" as I tell people when they ask how I am doing. I just really don't want to respond every time with "I feel like this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me", (but I don't want to say that because I know it could always be worse)...or what I really want to say "...(lots and lots of cuss words)...". Really I am just happy that I am done with chemo number 2. I try not to focus on the long journey I have ahead of me...instead I live for the week that I feel good (and "good" is relative). I am pretty good at looking as normal as possible when I have to... and acting like I feel normal. I'm not sure what normal feels like anymore to tell you the truth. Those that see me chemo week, know that I am in fact not "normal". The lack of showering and clothing change is an indication. I do however brush my teeth...and that is a big deal! By the time I can shower again (remember I can't shower with my pump Monday-till disconnect)...I am already so exhausted that a shower just seems like a lot of work...so I go another day and then I'm even worse...and another day leads to another day and before you know it...I am a hideous mess. Please...I'm warning you now...don't come see me on chemo week! It is not a pretty picture. Thank goodness I have a "good" week in between my bad weeks... Right now I am feeling pretty good. I am just dealing with some mouth sores that are pretty painful. They don't look bad at all, but I think I am convinced now that the reason I am not sleeping is because my mouth is in pain. If it isn't one thing it is another, so I really can't complain. I am very thankful that I have not lost my hair. (I know I just friggen jinxed myself by typing that...and I'm sure I will regret it...) I don't know who I need to remind, but let me just say it again...this girl will not look good bald...so I urge you all...positive thoughts and prayers my way, that this head of hair I have will stay. It will not only make me a happy girl, but it will make this world a more beautiful place! :) I'm looking forward to a great week. It is Halloween on Wednesday, and although that happens to be day 10 of my treatment regimen...I'm going to pray that it doesn't interfere with my plans for trick-or-treating with one very excited Dora the Explorer. Have a great week. Let your loved ones know you love them and hug them all a little tighter.