moving in the right direction...

I never imagined getting another job. Silly me! I loved my job at the prison and the group of people I worked with mixed together so nicely to create my own family away from home. I loved it. I never had a job that I woke up every morning WANTING to go to work. I became close friends with many of the people that worked there and in my heart I was content to stay for a very long time. That didn't last long. My time was quickly up. Thank you very much Stage III colon cancer....yes, you definitely suck. You suck for many reasons, but one of my biggest reasons is because you made me leave the comfort of my home away from home...my life...my love...my job! So...now after clinging to every piece of fiber my old life and old job had to offer me...I have had to move on and start a new journey. SCARY! Not so much in the fact that I had to start a new job...but maybe more that I am branching out and going to be connected to an entirely new group of people and they don't know me. They aren't my family...yet!
Hind sight is a funny thing. I look back on my last year and think to myself..."self...that wasn't so bad". Then I look back on this blog and think, "self, what are you saying...that totally sucked!". Now that I am past the worst part, some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days I think this "emotional" stuff is the hard part. All I know is...I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE A YEAR LIKE THAT AGAIN!
So...I've been enjoying the last few months of working when I want to, staying home with my daughter when I want to, cooking meals for my family (thank you pinterest), cleaning my home and watching trash tv (because nothing else is on during the day). It is time for me to go back to work. Not only because I have caught my daughter chanting "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY" from another room...because seriously...I don't let her watch that trash...but I need some routine, some normalcy, a life! I need to find myself again, to have those connections again and to move on. I need to live.
I finally think I found "THE JOB" that I will like, and hopefully LOVE. The one that will make my heart swell with pride, with love, with accomplishment! Working at a free clinic in downtown KC should prove to be interesting and never have a boring moment! I am looking forward to it. Although I will miss being able to snuggle with Charly in the morning, have picnics with her on the front step, go on adventures with her during the day, and just PLAY...I think it will be good for both of us to get back to a life we both love...structure, routine...life.
I seem to do much better on a schedule, as does she! I am looking forward to it all, and not because I am trying to convince myself it is what we need, what I need...but because, really...it is what I want!

A week from today I will have my 3 month CT Scan. Is this scary to me...HELL YES! I worry about what could happen. I go to bed at night and think...I never got a brain scan...my head hurts...could it be cancer? I have had a pain from my left knee to my foot...holy crap...I have bone cancer now. The back of my right ear itches throughout the day...skin cancer maybe? I'm serious! You can't have a pain, itch or weird feeling without thinking you have cancer. Am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I'm afraid of that. And let me tell you...it is no fun! I am nervous for the CT scan, but there is something deep down that tells me I will be fine. I've got to catch a break somewhere...now is my time!

The day after my CT scan is our first home visit for our home study. Yes, we are at it again. Completing classes for foster care/adoption and getting a home study. We most definitely want to expand our family, and more than that...Charly desperately needs a sibling. (Because believe me...I don't desperately need more work and responsibility added to my life...but I would gladly take it on!). If you are reading this and know someone...know of a baby...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME!!!! I know there are babies out there...I just need to find one! :) My family is not complete yet...

So...there is alot going on the next few weeks...CT scan, home visit, starting a new job March 5th!!!, and my days of hanging with my baby are coming to a close...I have another week to soak it up, and believe me...I WILL!

Today is going to be a fabulous day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!

happy anniversary...

Wednesday marks my 1 year anniversary of the day I started chemo. I feel silly having these "anniversaries", but they mean so much to me. I asked my husband last week, "what did we do last year on the day after valentines day?"....he didn't know. My heart was crushed a little. Then I thought about it. There were many "firsts" for me this past year that were HUGE events in my life, and maybe not so huge to anyone else... My first surgery, my diagnosis, the day I got my port, my first day of chemo, when I got rid of my colostomy bag, when I stopped chemo, when I became "cancer free"... then there were the not so big events, that were still big events...the first time I changed my colostomy by myself, when my steri strips came off, when my drains got pulled, when I finally pooped again...some seem silly, but all were big deals to me. This past year was so big that sometimes I haven't even had a chance to sit back and realize what all I really went through. I mean...I feel it with ever step I take now, thanks to the horrible pain I have been left with in my feet, and I see it when I look in the mirror only to realize that the person looking back is not "me"...that I don't feel like me...that I've been through this battle and came out on the other end victorious, but damaged...older, fatter and definitely more painful...but I have to be thankful for making it to the other side and winning. I may have some battle wounds to fix, but I am here, I am healthy, I am alive. I get to be around to enjoy everything, and I do! I breath in my daughter, I soak up my husband, I wake up every morning grateful for what I have, what I have accomplished, and for what is to come. For an entire year, cancer was my life...now I'm gearing up for an entire year of fighting the effects of cancer...and I believe this battle may be a little tougher. I have pain to deal with, weight to loose and a lifestyle to change. I want to live to watch my family grow, to see my daughter's children grow and to enjoy every minute of it. I celebrate my last year's anniversaries because they were big...I mean...BIG! My outcome could have been much different...I rejoice in what I have, what I've accomplished and what I won. I will continue to celebrate my "anniversaries", even if they only meant something to me....even if I am the only one to acknowledge them...they are my days...my celebrations...my accomplishments...and they are BIG!

Happy Anniversary Jen! You did it. You survived. You rocked chemo and kicked cancers arse. Celebrate!

Today was a great day...but I'm betting tomorrow will be even better!

1 year....

I woke up this morning...


A year ago today my life was saved. A year ago today I was thrown into a journey that lasted the entire year. By the way...2011 you really sucked. A year ago today I was a different person.

I made it! I made it through this year and came out on top. Today I will celebrate my achievment. I will rejoice in the fact that I am now cancer free...chemo free...poop bag free...I am free.

So much can happen in a year. I am proof.

Hard days....

I thought I would be done writing on here. I thought my "cancer days" were over. Today was a rough day. I guess I expected tough days to be over with once my chemo was done. I am having a hard time adjusting to life after chemo. Does that make sense? Because it really doesn't make sense to me. That is probably why I am having a hard time. My life is very different and more than that...my body is completely different. I think adjusting to my new body is hard enough...and on top of that I have to figure out now what I am going to do with my life...my new life!

I went on a walk today. I should really say I tried to go on a walk today. After a year of doing nothing...walking was hard for me. I cried. I cried because I could barely walk, I cried because my body feels like it has been destroyed, and I cried because I have a long hard road ahead of me still to get back to something I can be happy with. I guess I should be proud of my body for getting me through this year...for putting up with so much, for fighting the battle for me...I should be proud, but instead I am having a hard time accepting it. I wanted to be done with it all and back to the way I was when I started...NORMAL. My body, my mind...me...I am far from my old self. It makes me sad. I didn't have a choice becoming this new me...it was just handed to me...unfairly. This will take some time.

Tough day for me...with a bit of good news though! I was approached at MD Anderson to be a part of a colon cancer research program, which I accepted to be a part of. The study is about post chemo exercise in colon cancer patients. One group gets a new smart phone with an exercise app on it and the other does not. The research is to see if the group with the smart phone sticks with the exersize over the group without it. I WAS CHOSEN TO BE IN THE GROUP WITH THE PHONE! Which means I will get a new phone. I needed one. I am excited!

Today may have been tough, but tomorrow will be better! :)

I'm a runner

I cannot describe how it feels to one day know you have been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and then almost 11 months later to find out you are cancer free. Almost like the feeling you get when you loose your stomach on a roller coaster. When you get off the roller coaster and even though most of the ride you were scared and screaming, you got off and realized that it was worth it in the end, because it was fun. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing fun about having cancer, but in the end...it was all worth it. The surgeries, the doctors, the injections, the pump, the colostomy, the sickness, the fatigue, the rashes, the mouth sores, the neuropathy...man...all that sounds horrible, doesn't it...but then in the end...you are cancer free. CANCER FREE! I really did it. It was worth it. I feel like I just crossed the finish line of a marathon. I imagine running a marathon, half way through I would feel like it was never going to be over...and then it is...and you feel great. I feel great!

I have to be honest though...I couldn't have run this race without my support team. Without my friends. Without the encouragement. The letters, emails, texts, fb messages, gifts, prayers...and love. I have never felt so loved and cared for before...it felt good, and I can't wait to extend that to someone else going through some horribly tough times, and I hope you all keep up your job and show someone else that needs it, what you showed me. Congratulations to you...for helping me fight this battle. We did make a great team!

I started this journey scared to death...and that even got worse when I found out I was stage 3. People die of cancer, and stage 3 sounded awful to me. I was young...I had a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter...I thought I would have to fight it for a very long time. I thought it would be tricky and difficult to get rid of. I had my doubts, but with all the support I had, and staying positive and pushing forward...I did it. WE did it!

Dr. Kee at M.D. Anderson (probably one of the best colon cancer specialists IN THE WORLD) told me that most people don't finish the chemo...that most of them only get through 8 treatments, and I did it. I got all 12 in. He also told me that it was gone...completely. My scans, my labs...it all revealed NOTHING! He did not see a need for another surgery...thank GOD! He also felt that I did not need to return to Texas to see him and that my doctor in KC would follow me and report to him. He told me what my follow ups would consist of. My doctor in KC wanted to do CT scans every 3 months, and Dr. Kee felt that doing that was a little over board and that I could do every 6 months for the first 2 years then once a year till I hit my 5 year mark and then no need for a CT scan. I loved that. They are doing more genetic testing on my tumor to determine if I have "lynch syndrome" (you can google if you want). If I do happen to have it, which he feels I do not, then I will proceed with a hysterectomy, given my chances of having another cancer are increased with lynch syndrome. If there is no diagnosis of lynch syndrome, no further surgeries are necessary. I will know more in about 2-3 weeks. I have never been so impressed with the care and treatment I recieved there. I highly recommend M.D. Anderson to anyone diagnosed with cancer. It isn't cheap to make it there and pay for your trip, but it is your life we're talking about, and there is no price tag on that... it is worth it...you are worth it. I was worth it!

I walked out of Dr. Kee's office and cried. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time. I cried because I no longer fear missing out on life. I choose to live. I can't wait to make New Year's resolutions this year...to better myself...to move forward and enjoy every day. To find something in every day that makes life worth living and makes my heart throb with love and joy and happiness. This is it... a new blog is in the making...no more cancer means no more cancer blog. On to happier things. Things that will make us all smile and not sad. Prayers of rejoice and thanksgiving...not prayers for hope and healing...! God has answered my prayers, your prayers...and I will praise Him.

Love you!

tomorrow WILL be even better...

Boy have I learned a lesson today...

I'm sure you could tell from my last entry that I was feeling a little "down". What is wrong with me? I have nothing to be "down" about. I have an amazing support system, people that love me, the most beautiful crazy little girl that I get to call my daughter, a warm home, clothes (even if they are a little snug), food to eat (plenty...if you saw me, you wouldn't doubt this), and lots of love, smiles, happiness, fun and entertainment every day of my life. To top it all off...I love God and he loves me, and what more could you ask for? He has blessed me beyond belief. Sure, I've had a rough year...who hasn't. I'm still here...and I still wake up every morning to the same two people that I can't live without...and I still wear a smile and my heart still loves...and life really is good.

Today, put it all in perspective for me.

I went out to the mailbox, where I found 2 Christmas cards. One was particularly special. It was from a family in Jefferson City that Andrew worked with. Inside the card was a note along with a rather large check made out to Andrew. What a surprise. We all open cards and hope for money...well, today was our day!

The note inside read:

Andy and Family,
Every family hits tough times, and I know this is one for yours.

As a family, we lost our father to cancer. I have six brothers and sisters. Each Christmas we pool our money and give it to a family who is groing through trying times. We feel it's better than exchanging gifts among ourselves. Money can not replace ones health, but maybe it will help take a little pressure off the expenses that you and your family are going through at these trying times.

Merry Christmas and may God bless you all.
Signed with 9 names!

Not only did that money come at a great time for us...but it has taught me so much.

1. I will help a family out each year and pass this on. Even if I can't get my entire family or Andrew's to do this...our family will do this.

2. There are so many good people in this world, and my family has been fortunate to hit the mother load when we moved to Jefferson City! (Now do you see why I want to move back so bad!)

3. When you think the world is against you, or you are feeling sad...remember..."tomorrow will be even better".

4. I am loved.



Today while I was at the bank picking up my debit card (yep, the one I lost 2 times), the lady in front of me broke out into sobs. I touched her shoulder and told her..."tomorrow will be better". I don't know what her story is...we all have one, but I know how sad she was and could see it in her eyes. My heart hurt for her, and I didn't even know her. I didn't know what she was crying for, but I know it made her sad. I've been sad this year...I've cried alot, but I have also learned some very valuable lessons that will stay with me forever. I've also been fortunate enough to have met people that have touched me and told me "tomorrow will be even better". I love you guys!!!!

and just because I love looking at this...I'll share it with you.

Postpartum...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted. Time goes by so fast. The other day I was writing down the date and started to put November! Don't get me wrong...I am thrilled that 2011 is coming to a close, but then again I am quite scared of a new year, and what it will bring. One thing I learned from 2011, is that you never know what will happen...stuff happens...and you keep on going!

I have been sad. Things are not right with me. I feel like I am going through a bit of postpartum depression. Is that possible? I have never been a "depressed" person, but I just don't feel right. I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer, they offered me some anti-depressants...I refused them. I am a strong person. I got through it right? I even managed to smile through most of it... Now...it seems like I am a bit lost. My life is not the same. Things don't feel right. It will take me some time.

I spent almost an entire year being "sick", knowing I had cancer, trying to fight it, just taking it day by day and missing out on so much. Now, I want to be busy, I want to do things, I want to go places, see stuff, do stuff, not miss out. I am wearing myself out. I can't help it. I don't realize how much I am trying to do, until it hits me like a ton of bricks, and I break down and sob uncontrollably. I am lost.

If you ask me something or tell me something, don't expect for me to remember, or even comprehend sometimes. If you give me something...I will loose it. If I don't write it down, forget it! I do have a horrible case of Chemo Brain! I am serious here. I have never been a forgetful person...I am surprised I remember my own name, and I am completely serious! I still have some lingering effects from the chemo...one, happens to be this stinking chemo brain. I thought it was the fact that I was overwhelming myself with things to do, and keeping busy....IT IS NOT! I have managed to loose 2 debit cards, a necklace (that I got as a gift for my last chemo day!!), money, my drivers license...I have run multiple red lights, run into my garage door because I didn't push the button to open it (thankfully NO DAMAGE), and a grocery list of more examples...It frustrates me, which adds to my sadness.

My body has been destroyed...well, altered may be a better word. It is not the same. My stomach is a hideous sight...and causes pain most of my days (which I never complain about), my clothes don't fit like they did...thank you steroids...and I have not been motivated enough to get my arse in gear to loose this unwanted weight. I am over 30 lbs heavier than I was when I first went into this life altering journey...I am sad.

I cry sometimes because I miss my old life, and I simle sometimes because I imagine my new life...

Life sure is funny! I keep taking it one day at a time. This journey isn't over...yet.

I leave next week for Houston, TX. M.D. Anderson...

I am looking forward to warmer weather....
I am dreading the poking, proding, and other things...
I am praying I am cancer free...I need some good news!