This is life...and it is hard!

I had a difficult day. I drove home from Jefferson City after spending 2 days there working and being surrounded by the people that I have come to love over the past 7 years. I was upset. My life was great. I loved my job. I loved my friends. I loved my neighbors. Damn you cancer!

So on my way home I was flipping through the radio and heard this Martina McBride song...about cancer. It made me cry. I heard it on the radio twice on the way home. Both times...I cried. People driving by must have had a great show. I was a blubbering idiot. Crying...Talking out loud. You know...not a pretty sight. I needed it though. I needed to hear that song. I needed to cry. I needed to purge. I did. It felt good. I hope I don't hear that song again.

I thought about so much on my way home. How I can't help but think my life will be shortened. How I miss my old life. How scared I truly am, and never admit it. How I needed to cry. How I have been making it by faking it. How much I have neglected my husband, my daughter, my home, myself. How I really have had an incredibly hard year...and it isn't over yet. As much as I don't want to admit it, my biggest fear at this moment is my upcoming trip to MD Anderson. Deep down I really think things are fine and I have this whole cancer thing in the bag...never to resurface...but I also thought that before. But...and there really is a BUT....what if my scans don't come back clear? What if my labs are abnormal? What if there is another surgery in my future? What if I have to go back on chemo? I am terrified. I don't think I could take the bad news. I am emotionally drained. I have had it. So...if you are reading this...please say a prayer for me...pray that I am healed. pray that I get some peace. pray that this cancer has been evicted. I need it. I need it to be over. I need to start 2012 on a good note and take 2011 as a lesson learned, because boy did I learn some lessons. This is life...and it is hard.

I definitely don't want to be a cry baby, and I feel that I have been very stoic throughout my fight with cancer. I have kept my crying to a minimum and I have tried not to feel sorry for myself. Being surrounded by people with cancer really puts things in perspective. I look good on the outside, but I feel awful on the inside. I should be blessed that I am so "healthy" and doing well. I should be happy I am not dying anytime soon (at least I hope not)...because there really are people out there fighting for their life right now. People that have little ones at home that need them to be around, and they won't...I really am blessed. I just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, even if it was only for 20 minutes and that I got to put my thoughts into words to purge my pain and move forward. I have been able to tell everyone I am doing "ok" and getting by with very little sympathy, which is the way I want it. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted to accomplish my 12 treatments, and I did. I am ok. I will make it. I just needed a little cry baby time...thanks for listening.

Today was a good day...I can't complain...I'm off chemo! Tomorrow will be so much better! I'm taking my pump back to St. Lukes Cancer Center...I hated that thing! So glad to be free of it!