looking back...

It has only been 4 months. Sometimes it seemed like 40 years...

I do remember very vividly the day I found out I have cancer. Andrew also thought he had cancer that day too! funny story...here it goes...

My mom and Andrew had just left my hospital room to go get some lunch. We had been through a rough 2 days. It all happened so fast and we didn't have time to prepare...that just throws everything off. I think my husband was sick of being in the hospital (so was I) and needed to get out...so they went for lunch. I told them to try a new place in town that was pretty good. Andrew and I had been there once before and it was fairly close and thought my mom would enjoy it, so I suggested it. They went. I was left alone. It wasn't a big deal. I was ok...till the phone rang and it was my (ex)family doctor, who couldn't wait to tell me I had cancer. As soon as I hung up the phone with her I immediately called Andrew to tell him I got some news and to hurry back. Looking back now I'm not sure why I didn't just let them finish their meal in peace...I mean my cancer wasn't going anywhere at that moment...but when you hear those words "you have cancer", you need someone...anyone...comfort! I needed them...and they knew it, so they hurried back.

When they got in the room, my mom was hysterical. Andrew just looked at me. I remember saying "I have colon cancer". He hugged me, we cried. I told him it would be ok. I told him things would be fine. My mom was crying. It was an awful, awful moment...and then...

Andrew grabbed his stomach and cried out... "I think I have colon cancer"!!! I started laughing. It was just hillarious. I laughed so hard I was crying... THAT HURT! Try having 38 staples in your stomach after being gutted 2 days prior...NOT FUN! He immediately told me he had to use my bathroom. I couldn't stop laughing...and crying! He was in there for what seemed like hours...until he came out of the bathroom...a little pale, a little moist with sweat...he had some serious tummy trauma!!! He sat beside me in the chair convinced he too had colon cancer. I died laughing. I needed that. I needed a laugh (even with the staples).

In the next few weeks that followed, as I was healing...I had never cried so much, and I had never laughed so hard.

Laughter truly was the best medication for me.

iron deficient...

This is the news I got today from my oncologist.

Doesn't seem like a big deal, at least not after being diagnosed with cancer. I'm pretty sure nothing will compare to THAT big deal! So, I found out today my iron is low and I am considered iron deficient. Again...not a big deal,... unless you are scheduled for surgery in two weeks. I definitely want my body, especially my blood counts ready. I don't want to show up for surgery and have to be rescheduled. THAT WOULD SUCK. As much as I don't want to go through with it, I definitely want it done and behind me! Why can't it be June 9th already?

So... a little lesson on IRON today!

What does iron do for the body?

Iron is an essential component in the proteins that carry oxygen through the body. An iron deficiency can reduce oxygen delivery to the cells, leaving a person fatigued and with a compromised immune system.MY IRON COUNTS:
iron saturation: normal is: 20-55 Mine was a whopping 10.2
iron: normal is: 50-170 mine was a whopping 23
transferRin receptor: normal is: 12-22 mine was 48.2
Transferrins are iron-binding blood plasma glycoproteins that control the level of free iron in biological fluids

Transferrin receptor (TfR) is a carrier protein for transferrin. It is needed for the import of iron into the cell and is regulated in response to intracellular iron concentration

What does this mean for Jen??? Well, I've been prescribed ferrous gluconate (a fancy word for IRON!). IRON 325mg twice a day!

Not a big deal...right!?!?!?!???? Not too bad you say! UNLESS you have a COLOSTOMY!

IRON = CONSTIPATION

COLOSTOMY + CONSTIPATION = SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH!

HURRY UP JUNE 8TH!

TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY!!! TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER. (I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE)

~THINKING TONIGHT ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF JOPLIN, MO. PRAYING FOR THEM!!!

if only today where the end...

The world as we know it was predicted to end today...

It didn't, at least not yet!

I looked at a calendar yesterday. I look at a calendar every day, but yesterday I really looked at it. I realized I only have about 2 more good weeks till this starts all over again. 2 weeks. 2 weeks will be over before I know it. That makes me sad. I start to panic. I start to get nervous. My stomach starts to hurt. I have to admit, I am scared.

Scared of so many things. Scared I might not wake up. Scared I will get another bag. Scared of how much it will hurt. Scared of my incision popping open. Scared of getting an infection. Scared of having to breath and cough. Scared of being in the hospital. Scared of my results. Scared of the tube in my nose and having to get it out. Scared of the drain in my gut and having to get it out. Scared of HAVING TO POOP! Scared of pretty much every detail that involves this.

I start to wonder...why am I so scared. I have been through it before, and most importantly...I made it through. I lived. I am ok. I can do it again. It takes a little convincing on my part, and probably some anti anxiety medications, but I can and will do it again.

On another note. I ordered a T-shirt for myself while I am in the hospital. JUST WAIT!!! You will die when you see it! :)

a little more than 16 weeks...

16+ weeks since my last surgery, living with a cancer diagnosis...

4+ months!!!

The amazing thing is that I am still being prayed for, thought of, loved, and mailed gifts!!!! Today when my husband brought in the mail I got a package...and inside the package was this surprise...






What a wonderful gift, a necklace that says "strength". Something I need so much of.

One of my roommates from my first year at the University of Kansas sent this to me today. What an amazing suprise. What a spirit lifter. Aundria...you are one of the sweetest people I know. It means so much to me that I have had such an amazing support system. That people have prayed for me, talked about my story, thought of me, wished me well, supported me, encouraged me, loved me, and brightened my day with a note, a thought, a smile, a hug, a gift. I have recieved so many wonderful gifts, and to continue to recieve them after over 4 months...wow! I don't even know what to say, but Thank you!

Being diagnosed with cancer at 32, having to undergo the surgery I have, having to live and deal with my colostomy, mediport, chemo, cancer, to continue living life, etc. has taught me so much. These life lessons are hard. I am notorious for learning things the hard way. (have I mentioned that before???) Not only have I learned just how blessed and loved I am, I have also learned how important it is to be there for someone. To show someone how much you love them, how much you care, how you are thinking of them. People I would have never thought cared about me, have shown they do...people I never thought I would have connected with, I have amazing connections with...I have learned so much. I am thankful for my cancer...for what it has done for me...for what it continues to do for me and for the lessons I have learned and continue to learn.

Now for some fantastic news...I got a call yesterday from my surgeon. Hooray...I get my first colonoscopy the day before surgery. Why, you ask, don't they just do it while I am asleep before they do surgery? That question I ask myself...but I have learned, that as I have said before...life's lessons for me are hard. This is one of pure strength. I can do it!!! Things for me don't come easy...but when I am done I always feel a great sense of accomplisment! The 3 days leading up to my surgery won't be fun and relaxing...they will be filled with colon preps, antibiotics and colonoscopies. Can I have anything better to look forward to? I guess a plus is that my colonoscopy won't be performed up my arse...but instead up my makeshift arse on my gut! I haven't figured out if that is a good thing or not? Will it make it anymore plesant? Stay tuned for the update on this one! :)

Today was an excellent day!!! Tomorrow will be so much better. (is that possible?)

~I smiled when I found out my older brother got a colonoscopy yesterday! I am so proud of him and so happy to hear his results were good! I love him!!!

~I smiled today when Andrew made plans to take Charly to walk around the pond tomorrow and feed the ducks. I love the small adventures we have! I love having my own family.

~I smiled today when I got a big hug from my baby first thing in the morning! She puts a smile on my face all day long. Life couldn't be better for me! Really...isn't that amazing for someone who has gone through some difficult stuff to say this???... and I mean it! I love my life!

~I smiled today because it's one day closer to the weekend...and I love my weekends!

~I smiled today because I got the sweetest gift in the mail from one of the sweetest people I know! It just made my day and lifted my spirits.

~I smiled today because while I was cooking dinner I smelled this awful smell and thought the meat had gone bad...only to realize Charly pooped her pants! It is stupid things like this that just make me smile!

~I smiled today because it was a beautiful day...and it wasn't raining!

It would be nice...

if this was just a bad dream. I am so ready for this to be behind me. For this to be over! For me to not have cancer. For me to not have a colostomy!

I had a dream.

It was a bad dream.

I woke up with another bag.

I have exactly 30 days (including today) to learn to accept the fact that I might wake up with another bag.

I prayed for my second surgery...with the understanding I would get rid of this bag. I never for a second thought getting another bag was in the picture.

I hate this bag.

If Dr. T knows what is best for him, he will fix me up and forget he even mentioned a second bag.

I know...I'm complaining...I'm being a baby...I should be happy I am alive and things are going well.

Well....just imagine for a minute that YOU are carrying a bag of poop around!

NO FUN!

NO THANK YOU!!!

Oncology visit...

I'm hoping yesterday was my LAST oncology visit ever...not so sure that is the case, but I can hope right!!!

I went in to get my port flushed and blood drawn. It had been 3 weeks since I was at the cancer center. I can't say that I missed it.

The port flush hurt...or maybe I'm just turning into a baby. My labs came back decent, minus my iron. I am anemic and this is due to the effects the chemo and neupogen shots are having on my bone marrow. The bone marrow is producing immature red blood cells that are not surviving long. This causes my red blood count to be low and my hemoglobin and hematacrit. Along with that, my iron has been depletted down to nothing. No wonder I have been dragging! So...they did some extra blood work and will be calling me today or tomorrow to let me know if I have to start on iron or get an iron transfusion! Lets hope some over the counter iron will do the trick.

Did I mention getting cancer sucks????

I did have a good discussion with the oncologist. We talked about my follow ups in the future if I did not need additional chemotherapy. Please pray I don't...I'm not sure I could handle it again.

I also talked to my oncologist about getting a hysterectomy. He supported my decision, especially since colon cancer does tend to migrate toward ovaries sometimes. I will meet with my OB doctor this month to discuss having this done when I go in for surgery on the 8th. Why get these horrific hot flashes for nothing...thank you very much chemo! I would consider having my liver removed as well if I didn't need it to live...as colon cancer tends to go to your liver as well.

So...the days are flying by. Before I know it, surgery will be upon me again. I dread it. I almost forget what it is like to poop...and really don't want to learn how to poop again with my gut all stitched up...OUCH!

Today has been a great day...Happy Birthday to my wonderful mom!!!, tomorrow will be even better.

storms a coming...

Wow...The reality of having a second surgery within a little over 4 months is starting to set in for me. I've said it before...I remember every little detail of my surgery, of course minus the first 1/2 of the first day when I was in and out of conscienousness. I remember hurting...just plain HURTING! It hurt to breath, talk, laugh, cry, and of course...cough, which I really didn't do much of. I know as a nurse you have to cough and deep breath, but SCREW THAT!!!! Because I was such a stubborn patient, I was starting to get pneumonia when I left the hospital. This time I vow to work harder with my deep breathing and coughing! I just want my surgery over along with the first 2 weeks of recovery. THEY SUCKED JUST AS MUCH AS THE SURGERY!!!

Today I had a day filled with appointments. Charly had an appointment this morning, which went well. NO neurological conditions and her walking will get better. (For those of you that don't know, she has been seeing a Orthotist and has Orthotic inserts made for he feet to help with her intoeing) Charly's Orthotist sent us to a Neurologic MD to rule out any possible neurologic conditions, mainly cerebral palsy due to my child walking like a fool! But...the outcome today was that she is completely normal and has the most common orthotic problem children her age have. Her femur is turned in on both leg which causes her to walk pigeon toed. Because of this she falls quite a bit. The good news...she should grow out of it, and I can start buying her cute shoes and ditch the orthotics (they don't help) and the bad news is we've only spent lots of money to find out she is completely NORMAL. It could be worse, so I am blessed. This afternoon I had an appointment myself, which was cancelled. BOO HOO. I hate that. I had great intentions of heading back to work until I laid down on the couch and fell asleep! I woke up to the storm rolling in. It has been kind of peaceful for me. I needed some alone time. Some time to think. Some time to pray.

I am constantly reminded by my husband how sorry he feels for me that I have to go through this surgery again. *thanks husband for the reminder!!!* I am also reminded by my mom who says she will be having panic attacks about my surgery (which is a month away)...*thanks mom...* She thinks SHE'S going to have panic attacks... I told her to be me for one day! It is a scary thing to think about, and having medical background makes it a million times worse! I wish I was dumb and didn't know anything!

I have faith my surgery will go well...although I have had diarrhea since scheduling it...my nerves are shot! I have to get my mind off of this...

back to the drawing board...

I once again will have surgery! HALLELUJIA!!!! Today I met with my surgeon...we went over details of the upcoming surgery, scheduled for JUNE 8th, 2011!!! A few points that were discussed today:

1. Dr. T is concerned the Chemo will affect my healing (as am I), which is why we have opted to wait a little longer for the surgery...worked for me anyway, as I wasn't wanting to have surgery till June.

2. Dr. T discussed getting an epidural for pain control. We opted not to go this route, as it causes increased problems with healing and could keep me in the hospital a little longer. (#1...I want out of the hospital as fast as possible, and #2...I want to get up and walk as soon as I can, as to avoid the chance of blood clots)

3. Dr. T discussed the possibility of waking up with another bag...yes, I said it without cussing, although I did tell him if I woke up with another bag I was going to effin kill him!!!(not sure that scared him)...this time an illeostomy. If he does not get a good seal on the large intestine, he will then have to supply me with a new bag...this time on the right side for the small intestine to allow the large intestine to heal. Dr. T said that the small intestine seldom to never leaks. The chance of leaking for the large intestine is 5% and mainly happens on day 5-7. By day 5-7 I am hoping to be home, and this NOT happen! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE START PRAYING FOR ME AND FOR PERFECT HEALING!!!!

4. NO HE DIDN'T...YES HE DID try to stick his finger in my stoma! Are you KIDDING ME! HOW NASTY...I even told him not to do it because that was just gross. He replied, your stoma won't be the first I've stuck my finger in! I was waiting for him to pull it out and go "smell my finger". He didn't! :) And, he couldn't get his finger in my stoma anyway...just caused lots of bleeding.

5. We discussed a colonoscopy, but that will probaby not happen, as he didn't think he could get a scope in my stoma, as the hole is so small. I think he's on crack. I've seen the poop come out of it multiple times a day...at least the diameter of a finger....(and not a pinky finger). I know that the scopes aren't THAT large, I'm thinking my stoma was just a little shy.

6. We discussed the prep...oh how UN-fun that is going to be. I start the prep 2 days before surger...clean myself out and only clear liquids...Oh the bags I will go through! I'm thinking my stoma wants to go out with a bang...and loose some weight in the process!

7. Hospital stay is estimated for 4-10 days. I'm planning on 4-6.

8. The incision...he will cut right on top of the old incision, but this time make it 2-3 inches longer. Is that even possible? At least this time healing (hopefully minus a bag) I can use my abdominal binder! :)

9. The actual procedure will take 5-6 hours. I am the first case that day! I really hope he is well rested the night before. At least I know I will be in good hands. I will have 2 surgeons scrub in on my surgery and be well taken care of!

10. Again, I will wake up with an NG tube (a tube down my nose into my stomach), a bladder catheter (both of which will be removed on day 2 or 3), and possible 1-2 JP drains, and of course a belly full of staples (both inside and out).

So there you have it...

I have a month to enjoy life before I get to start back over again. Next week I meet with the oncologist again...Look for more on that visit.

Hope the week is going well for everyone. Smile lots! Life is too short and too much fun not to smile!

Today was a great day, tomorrow will be better!!!