Happy Halloween...

Is it really Halloween? Is October really over? I can't believe it. It is so bittersweet for me. October is my favorite month. Fall in Kansas and Missouri is the best. I just wish I could have soaked more of it in and enjoyed it more. I wish half the month I wasn't sick and feeling like crappola. I am already looking forward to next October and making plans already. I have "events" I just HAVE to attend and places I want to go and visit. A new one on my list is Worlds of Fun Boo Blast, which was a hoot! Just wish I could have stayed longer and/or it was warmer so I could have. My neuropathy was absolutely KILLING me yesterday, which made it kind of miserable, but I managed to enjoy myself and have a blast despite stupid side effects.

This morning...not so good. Have been having some severe tummy trauma and all the side effects with it. NOT FUN! I wanted to feel good today to get my house clean and make a fun Halloween dinner, but I am moving slow today and probably not going to get done what I wanted. Which I have to tell myself is ok. I have to just make it through. The more days that go by, the better I start to feel..I have to remind myself this constantly.

I am looking forward to having a great night with my family trick-or-treating. I think Charly will have a ball! Pictures to come!

Happy Halloween!

a perfect day...

Yes...I was this excited about the carosel! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed today and how great it was. My sister had her baby bright and early this morning and I got to start my day out by loving and snuggling with a newborn, and then spent the evening with my brother and his family at Worlds of Fun...having a ball! I can't tell you how happy my heart is when my daughter smiles and laughs like this! I love being a mom!

one down...one to go...

I woke up sick again...but because I was disconnecting today I was so excited. I hate that dang little pump. I tried to get moving and hope my mind would be off of my sickness. It worked (a little). I got dinner going in the crockpot, laundry started, beds made, worked from home... it was kinda nice to get some stuff accomplished! It is a huge deal! Chemo weeks are rough for getting things done. Definitely do not come to my house those weeks...it is a disaster (and my house normally isn't a disaster...maybe messy, but not a disaster!)

One down and one to go...I can't wait. I am so excited.

Officially disconnected at 12:00 and that brought a smile to my face!

sick

I was hoping I could get through this chemo treatment easily. I have to remind myself...there is nothing easy about chemo. It is hard. It wears on you. It drags you down. It hurts. It makes you sick. It fatigues you. It messes with your body. It comes with side effects (nasty ones). It changes you. It sets you apart. It kills! It changes everything!

So...I find myself sick this evening. I had a great day. Spent it with my sister and mom at my sister's doctor appointment. She is due Halloween with her 5th baby boy. I am excited for her. I can't wait to hold a new baby. Buying stuff for her baby and looking through all the baby stuff makes me want to get another one. (Which I have convinced myself when this is over, that is my next challenge...so if anyone reading my blog knows of anyone in need of some great adoptive parents...send them my way!) Anyway...we went to the appointment, to lunch and then to do some unneccessary shopping and when I got home...I was wiped out. Worn out. Sick! I guess I probably did it to myself and should really concentrate on spending my chemo days relaxing...I didn't. But I have to say...I can get through this and I am exstatic that tomorrow when I disconnect I have 1 more left. I can hardly believe it. I. CAN'T. WAIT!!!!

I'm not feeling great, but I am getting though and really doing fine. I must say...I can't complain. They have really managed my treatment well and made it very tolerable. I can deal with a few sick days, and then a shot that kills for 2 days and then I'm on to a good week. And to top things off, next weekend is my Seattle trip! Very much looking forward to that.

Shock of the day...Got one of my bajillion medical bills in the mail that showed the cost of my shot every other friday....ready for this....DRUM ROLL PLEASE... A WHOPPING:
$8,000.00!!!

Put that with my chemo that has not gone up to $15,000.00 on my chemo weeks make my chemo week $23,000.00 and that is only medication...not doctors visits. HOLY MACARONI! I could really find a better way to spend that money! It isn't even fun to spend that money!

Life is good. Ready to disconnect tomorrow. Ready to have one more left. Ready to enjoy my family and the holidays. Thank you GOD for getting me through this...(almost), but I know You will!

Today was a great day...I'm expecting my sister to have her baby tonight or tomorrow, which means tomorrow will be even better!!!!

Pain in my Rash

I have had this lingering rash for the past week. It doesn't bother me too much. Itches a little, looks ugly, feels bumpy and gross, but besides that it is what it is...a rash. The thing is...it is an allergic reaction to my chemo. When I went to see Dr. Y today for my appointment before my chemo, right off the bat she saw my rash. Commented that it was a significant rash, but that she would like to try and keep the chemo regimen the same and see what happens. (kinda scary when she asked if my breathing had become difficult...it better not!) My chemo is already at 80% strength...to keep it as strong as possible would be the best. I did not have a problem with this decision. I am just so happy I have ONE more...that is right people...after this current treatment I have ONE more! HIP HIP HOORAH!!!!! I'm sorry to say, that once I get a good report from my MD Anderson appointment I will not be blogging as often (which lately has meant once or twice a week) SORRY! I might not blog at all...we'll see! I am ready to be done with this cancer stuff...which means talking about it too! I wish I could find a way to thank everyone who has been a key role in my treatment...by having an amazing benefit, sending cards, calls, texts, emails, fb posts, gifts, LOVE, SUPPORT, FRIENDSHIP, UNDERSTANDING, KINDNESS, PRAYERS, PRAYERS, and PRAYERS! I love each and every one of you! Every one of you has kept my spirits up...made me stronger...put the fight in me! I love you for that.

In two days it will have been exactly 9 months since I became a surgical masterpiece! Found out I have cancer. Cried my eyes out a bajillion times. Felt sick as doo doo. Held my daughter (and husband) and hoped and prayed I was going to beat this...and by beat this I mean NEVER have to deal with it again! Healed... and then healed some more. Learned to live with a shit bag...(pardon my french) and then in turn learned to be humble because of it. Learned to love, and by love I mean really LOVE. Learned that I was loved...which was amazing!!! Learned to empathize...and by that I don't mean shave my head to support and love someone (which by the way I think is UBER awesome!)...but I've kinda done the "been there done that and I feel for you so much no matter what kind of cancer treatment you are going through...it all sucks!" I have enjoyed ever hour, minute and second I felt good. I have even enjoyed ever hour, minute and second I didn't, because I know that I was fighting that stinkin' cancer! I have battled through it! Spent some amazing one on one time with my mom every 2 weeks (even though it was painfully long hours at the cancer center). Become stronger emotionally and spiritually. Amazed myself. Moved! Parented my beautiful child to the best of my ability, and by that I mean...she got away with murder! I have continue to live...had a miserable time and then a great time.

This is my favorite time of year...I am so ready for Halloween, my upcoming Seattle trip, Thanksgiving, finally putting my house together, my Houston trip and spending time with my husband (MUCH needed time...and by that you don't want to know!), Christmas and Santa and Stockings over our very first fire place!!!!, and last but not least (besides all the amazing days in between)...a FRESH NEW YEAR (kinda puts a tear in my eyes). This next year has GOT to be an improvement. Please pray that it is! I kinda need it! :)

Life is good...I have my second to last chemo pumping...that stinkin' pump attached to me, but I am thankful...it is about over. I am kickin' this cancers arse! Thanks for your help!

Today was a good day, tomorrow will be just as good (if not better!).

Motivation

My motivation for getting out and walking:

yeah...and he goes about my pace! :) We have welcomed a new member to the family, our new to us 8 year old cocker spaniel Buster, AKA Buster Rhymes! We have fallen in love with him and he has nestled into our home and lives quite nicely.

Since we moved, I have been home and not working, and basically going crazy. I have needed a companion...a buddy to hang with during the day while Andrew is busy bringing home the bacon and Charly is equally as busy burning the bacon by playing with friends. I need a reason to get out and enjoy the day, the weather, and basically just move my butt. It makes me feel good to get out and I needed a reason to do it. He is it!

Although he is 8 years old, he does have some spunk in him, but also loves to just keep me company! He is a good dog.

I have been doing well. The neuropathy has not improved, but I am trying to convince myself that it is due to the cold weather. I hate to think that it is not going to resolve. The issue with the neuropathy is that it can be permanent and I do not want to go down that road. Having cancer has been horrible, having to go through chemo has been doubly horrible, and the thought of having a reminder of it ever day would just be crushing. I am so ready to be done with this fight. I am ready to finish my last 2 treatments, go to MD Anderson and get a great report. I was told by my doctor at my last appointment that I can't get my port out till after my 6 month follow up at MD Anderson to insure that everything is good...that bummed me out, but I would much rather keep it then have to find out some bad news and get it put back in. So...for the next 6 months I will have to continue to go in monthly for a flush and a constant reminder that I can infact get a bad report (which will NOT be the case)! I hate Cancer and I hate what it does to people. It is always lingering in the back of your mind...every pain in your body is a worry...life will never be the same. Life will never be as carefree as it was. I hate that!

But...I fight on! I fight for me, for my family, for my friends! I keep kickin arse!

Today is a fabulous day and tomorrow will be even better... full of laughs, smiles, fun and more importantly a Costume Halloween Birthday Party for my nephew! My family of Zombies will rock that party! :)

Another one bites the dust...

One more down! I can hardly wait! I made it through #10 chemo infusion with very few issues. Besides the neuropathy, which has kicked up a few notches, I am doing well. Had one day of nausea and not feeling great, but I know now that it doesn't last too long and I can get through it. I did get my neulasta shot on Friday...woke up Saturday expecting to be crippled like I usually am after the shot, but it wasn't too bad at all. I was amazed. Too bad that didn't last...as the day wore on, the pain snuck up on me. It is hard to describe just how horrible that pain is...but let me assure you, it is not fun. I'm starting to think the shot is far worse than the chemo at this point. I feel like my ribs are broken and my skull hurts (isn't that wierd). It hurts so bad I have a hard time shaving my arm pits and/or washing my hair due to the pain. Because of that I typically skip the shower on Saturday and hunker down in my house for the day. Only 2 more left! I am ecstatic.

I did have a great weekend though. I spent Sunday sitting outside watching my daughter play with her cousins. It was just fun to be outside in the beautiful weather and watch her just have a ball. My heart was happy!

This week I'm looking forward to some great weather...cooler weather! I'm hoping my neuropathy starts to resolve. I'm planning a fun day with my daughter! I am blessed to have what I have and I wouldn't change it for a thing! Enjoy your week.

Today is a great day, and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!!!

food makes everything better!

Yesterday I went to St. Luke's Cancer Center with my mom like I have been doing every other week since I moved. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my mom goes with me. It would be miserable to go by myself. I get there at 9 a.m. and leave around 2 p.m. and it feels like I am there FOREVER!!! When I first stepped into that place I was disappointed in how depressing it was. Now...I enjoy going to see the people. The nurses are fantastic, the techs are so personable and the other cancer patients are trying to get through their appointments just like me...with a smile on their face. This was by far the best day at the cancer center. My mom was kind enough to pick up donuts to bring for everyone. She has done this before, and EVERYONE enjoys it. She brought donuts and some other wonderful person brought bagels. Breakfast was served! Then she was kind enough to bring along lunch for us. Usually we go out after we get done, but have found that eating lunch so late in the day ruins our dinner...so she brought sub sandwiches, chips, and bananas. How wonderful. Lunch was served...or we thought.
My mom had just gotten done telling me how good it makes her feel to bring in the donuts for everyone because it makes their day. I agreed. We have made friends this way! The best way to a friends heart is through their tummy. Right? Well not long after we were talking about making people's day a cancer patient came in with a HUGE spread of lunch for everyone! Sub sandwiches from Jimmy John's, Chips, Cookies, Vegetables...It looked wonderful. We were shot down! :) Just kidding...it was a great treat and a great day at the cancer center. He brought lunch for everyone to celebrate his last day of treatment! AWESOME!!!! I walked past him on my way to the restroom to thank him and tell him I was so jealous of him...he just laughed...and said "why in the world are you jealous of me" and I told that adorable bald man that I was jealous because he was done. He just smiled and told me I would get there too. I preceded to thank him for the wonderful lunch and wished him luck. I pray for him. He has spent a year fighting his cancer. His body has taken a beating. He deserves to win his battle. He deserves to celebrate. I hope he did! I can't wait to celebrate my end to this battle. I can't wait to bring in my celebratory lunch to the cancer center. I would love to do something BIG...any suggestions????
I love that I am almost done. It has made my last few treatments feel like small obstacles and not huge ones like they did before. I am feeling stronger going through them and can actually function now on my chemo weeks.
I failed to mention that not only was it a great day at the cancer center because we were showered with food (once again thank you steroids for my ability to down some food), but my dad and grandmother (a colon cancer survivor) who is in town visiting this past weekend came in for a short visit to see were I get my treatments done and then took us out to the cheesecake factory on the plaza after my appointment...don't worry I only ordered a small side salad! I was trying to be good. I did however have a few bites of the delicious cheesecake for desert...and then I came home and did not eat dinner. I'm trying! I can't wait to get off this steroid! I have another battle ahead of me! Does it ever end! :)
So...I am getting through this treatment and doing well, except I really have experienced the worst neuropathy EVER. I have been wearing gloves on my hands which seem to help instantly. It looks a little funny in public wearing these winter gloves, but if it helps I don't care. I haven't had much of an issue with the neuropathy like this time. I noticed it immediately on my way out of the clinic after I reached for the metal door handle that set my hand stinging like crazy. OUCH! Thank goodness for the gloves.
After this...I have one more treatment and I am off to Seattle for a short weekend of Pike's Market with my mom, hanging out with my grandma and aunts and uncles and of course walking the Get Your Rear in Gear 5K colon cancer walk. I can't wait.
Life is sweet!

MOM INTERRUPTED...Charly has just walked in the door from daycare, I must sign off.

there is a price to pay for feeling good....puffiness

I remember in the beginning when I had a hard time with the chemo. It made me sicker than a dog. I had neuropathy like no other, mouth sores, hand and foot sores, cold sensitivity, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair thinning...you name it! It took all I had to get through the week and recover from it. At this time my Oncologist never suggested I take any prescription steroids to help...but my nurse practitioner did. I remember telling her...I would rather suffer than gain any weight and be fatter than I already am...little did I know!

Somehow...I was tricked into taking them. Somehow...they incorporated it into my chemo regimen without me knowing. Somehow...I feel better. Somehow...I have gained weight and become puffy. Puffy is not a word you want to be by the way...it is worse than fat. I am dying to finish my last 3 chemos and then start the battle of loosing weight and being a little less puffy and for sure a little more healthy.

I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head is "this is my last day". It is my last day to feel good (at least for a little while) and enjoy it. Enjoy the semi-energy I have and the ability to get some stuff done around the house before I get "sick" again. Actually I should now say "tired" instead of "sick". This chemo thing has gotten a little easier for me to get through. I'm not sure if I am use to it, my body is adapting to it better, or if really all the new stuff I take is helping. I definitely dread my Tuesday chemo days. It feels like I am stuck in that infusion room for hours..and I am! And then on top of that I have to go home with that stupid pump. Those 46 hours feel like 460 hours...I hate it. Thank goodness I only have 3 more! 3!!!!!

I spent the first half of the long weekend in Jefferson City seeing friends, neighbors, co-workers and hanging out around town and of course making an appearance at the Hartsburg Pumpkin Fest! MY FAVORITE. To think last year I missed it because we were in Vegas (and secretly I wanted to stay home to go to it)... I know Kim...you are rolling your eyes right now reading this and thinking I am crazy. I do love town fests though! Mostly for the food!!! (again... thank you steroids for the never ending hunger I have and the ability to eat all day long and not be full!)

We returned back to good ol' Kansas just in time to wake up extra early to drive through Kansas City to make it to the Stephanie Vest Foundation PINK LAUNDRY 5K walk/run. I didn't know Stephanie, but I did follow her blog while she was battling cancer, and I have friends that know her and her family. I felt the need to participate in her fundraiser and honor such a strong woman. People were and continue to be there for me, supporting me and my family and I felt I needed to be there for her. I walked the 5K with my husband and daughter (all wearing pink in support of Stephanie) and finished it! It amazes me...this is my second 5K in about a month and I am amazed with my ability to finish. I am so proud of myself when I do! I walked the 5K watching my baby and seeing Stephanie's baby who is about the same age and thought of Stephanie and every second she has missed with her baby. I watched her oldest son write a message to her on his balloon and send it to heaven for her to read. I thought about how she was watching everyone from heaven and smiling. I thought of the beautiful life that everyone here on Earth is missing out on and how she reached people's hearts that she didn't even know. I thought of the times I would read her blog and think about what she was going through and really had NO idea at the time... I kind of do now! Although I am not in a hospital bed dying, I do know how the diagnosis of cancer crushes you and that immediately your thoughts go to your kids...and then everyone else you deeply love. I know that she spent every day fighting cancer for her kids, her husband, her family, her friends, and herself. It is a tough burden to carry and a hard battle to fight, and she did it with grace and beauty! Thank you Stephanie for touching my heart and making me a stronger person. I could only hope to be as kind, beautiful, patient, loving, and full of fun and spunk as you! You are a role model to me!

BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE...

I'm getting there...slowly but surely...I'm getting there. Only 3 more left. 3! This last chemo was the easiest by far. And by easy I don't mean easy...but things are better. I remember when I took my first few treatments and they just about killed me...seriously! I couldn't do full dose of chemo if I had to. It was such a shock to my body...and the side effects were horrendous. Today...today it is controlled. I love my new doctor and the new stuff she has incorporated into my treatment to make my chemo weeks at least tolerable. I can manage to get through them with few tears. I rocked this last one. Sometimes I think I really overdue it though. I really REALLY wanted to go to the Weston Applefest this past weekend, and with my stubbornness nobody could have kept me from going (although I really should have stayed home). It was hot. I was tired. I didn't feel well. I had to WALK ALL OVER THAT TOWN... and all I wanted was a nice tall glass of ice water, but thanks to my wonderful chemo side effects, that was not going to happen. I did go. It was good to get out of the house, but hind sight is always 20/20...next time I'll rest and save up for the next fun fest. I am looking forward to this week...getting some energy back...I need it. I never really understood what fatigue was until now. I get it. I'm tired of it. I can do without it. I totally understand it now. I am fatigued.
Fatigue is by far the worst side effect I have at this point in my chemo treatments. I can deal with the neuropathy and even the terrible pain from my shot (which thankfully only lasts about 2 days)...but the fatigue....it just stays and stays and never goes away. I am definitely looking forward to being done and feeling better. I haven't felt like myself for a very long time. I miss it. Sorry for the lack of posts and short posts...I'm blaming it on the fatigue! :) Enjoy your Monday!