CHANGE

I was talking to my mom the other day.  We were talking about how cancer affects your life.  We talk about cancer alot.  It seems to be the topic of many discussions.  My response to her was that "cancer ruins your life and your plans".  I quickly took back my words and changed them.  "Cancer just changes your life" I said.  I can't be angry at the way things are now.  At least not all the time.  You have to accept the change and move forward....and try not to look back.  Don't look back.  I have been thinking about this quite a bit since I am planning a trip back to Jefferson City soon to see some friends.  I think about our old life.  I think about how things were great.  I think about how you never know what is around the corner.  YOU. NEVER. KNOW! I write that as a warning as much as a celebration.  Things change.  Doesn't mean they have to be worse...even with cancer. 

Our lives are what we work for.  You plan (HA!!!!) and work toward goals and sometimes things get in the way....hurdles...and you maneuver around them.  You crash into them...you jump over them...or maybe you try to avoid them.  They are there though.  It is a little something called life.  LIFE.  I am no expert on life or how to live it.  I just do the best I can.  It isn't easy and I don't want it to look easy.  It isn't easy for me.  I have struggles too...but you move forward.  You pray, you love, you trust, you hope and more than anything you keep your faith.  I choose to use this struggle for good.  I choose to grow from it.  I choose to get through the hurdles that life throws at me.  Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it isn't, but when you get through them, the reward is so great.  That doesn't necessarily mean the reward here on Earth either.  I am not living my life for the rewards here...I just plan on enjoying them to the fullest while they last.  My reward is waiting for me...when the time comes I will joyfully jump that hurdle. 

Cancer has changed my life.  It is a challenge for a relationship to withstand 2 years of struggles and hurdles.  I am blessed with a husband that has stood by me and support me.  Our goals and plans have changed, and not by our choice, but we have to accept them and continue this marathon called life.  If I never do anything right again in life, I have to say I did make the smartest choice when choosing my husband and then on top of that was blessed beyond belief with my beautiful daughter.  I have a family that is there for me and loves me and supports me.  They fight this battle with me, and for that I am truely thankful. 

Financially, cancer is not cheap.  It puts things in perspective.  You take fewer trips to walmart and more trips to the pharmacy. It is a hurdle that is thrown in your path.  

Spiritually you can't help but question and grow from your experience.  You lean on the Lord for all your strength and you keep your faith. 

I love that quote that says "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".  Mine just happens to be cancer. 

STAPLES OUT!

My appointment Wednesday went well.  I was unable to meet with the surgeon but did meet with the nurse practitioner.  Ever since I fell out of the shower I have had a hard time with my lungs and after discussing this again with the NP she ordered another chest xray and some lab work because ever since my surgery my normal 50-60 pulse has been 110-120.... not sure what is going on.  My xray came back better than the initial one that showed the lung collapse, but still not good and after the doctor reviewed it he wanted me to continue to do 10 deep breaths on the spirometry an hour.  They also continue to talk about a dense "mass" on my lung that they are not too concerned about but that I should mention it to my oncologist when I see her the end of February for a follow up CT scan.  My 33 staples did come out and the incision looks good.  The mysterious area that has been bothering me, ends up being a large hematoma with scar tissue buildup around it.  I am scheduled for a 4 week follow up again with the surgeon, but I am doing well.  I feel great.  Next appointment is with the oncologist on February 22nd and chemo is planned to resume on the 25th.  I'm planning on enjoying my time till then and making a trip to Jefferson City to see some of my favorite people in the world!  Until then....

12 days later...

My staples are still in...and slightly oozing.  Some days my shirts get lots of spots on them from the ooziness...and then other days it is dry.  This morning after my shower my scab from the drain hole wanted off...so I offered my services (especially because I am a really good picker) and off the scab went and voila....a large hole exists in my abdomen still.  In real life there is almost what appears to be like a tunnel in it.  I am not sure what I did but last week while I was trying to lay down on the couch I felt something in my incision that did not feel right....and to this day.... there is a hard lump in the area and bruising.  It is the one spot in my entire incision that hurts.  The area lies almost directly above the drain hole spot.  I go to the doctor this Wednesday to get my staples out and I will bring this to his attention.  Not sure what it is....I'm almost convinced they left an instrument or something in my stomach....wouldn't that be wild!   :)  Anyway....I am doing well.  My lung is still healing.  I am still using my spirometry and every day is a little better...and still a little closer to starting my chemo back up.  The plan is to start back on Chemo on Feb. 25th.  Not thrilled about this, but definitely ready for it to get started and be done.  Praying this is the last time I have surgery and the last time I have chemo for this cancer!

Happy 2nd Cancerversary!

Two years ago today my cancer was found.  I was in the emergency room and my path and Dr. T's path crossed and a life was saved.  Thank you Dr. T.  The story is still very vivid in my mind.  I remember the days leading up to it....especially how everyone was betting on whether or not I would poop today or tomorrow or when?  Who would guess the right day?  :)  It is funny looking back.  This road I have been on for two years has taught me alot.  I have grown so much and am more thankful today for what I have than I ever was.  I proudly celebrate my 2 year Anniversary!  The road is not over yet....the journey continues.  I am now in the process of healing from my liver resection.  This surgery sucked.  It hurt and still hurts and there is nothing about it that was fun, but I am 1 week from my liver resection and every day is a little better.  I'm glad I no longer have a central line to deal with, Arterial sticks, Femoral sticks, drains, pumps, blah blah blah.....it was down right ugly and awful and the worst part about it was I gained 22 lbs from the surgery.  I have since lost 11 but dang...nobody told me about that.  NO FUN!  I woke up and my stomach was enormous.  I will post a picture...not because I want to, but because I know you guys like the nasty pics! :)

Yeah....I know....pretty nasty!  Way bigger than I thought.  Plus do you see that small dark hole under it?  That is where they pulled ever so slowly on the drain to remove it....the one and only time I cried and then yelled at the nurse and resident to leave and quit watching me cry.  Thank GOD that is over.  So....I am left with the 33 staples and an incision from hell.  One day soon someone will stop cursing my stomach and I will get to start working on getting it back to a semi normal state.  It is just hideous!
So.....other than recovering, I am glad to be home with my family and my baby who missed me very much and I wanted to say Thank you to everyone that visited me in the hospital, sent me cards, flowers, plants, emails, texts, prayers and good wishes and thoughts.  Love you guys and couldn't do it without you behind me! 

These are the days of our lives....

Blacking out and falling out of the shower had me down a full week.  It was awful.  Breathing was the worst.  I don't think I could lay flat or sleep in my bed for at least 3-4 days.  I didn't shower for a week and I didn't leave the house AT ALL.... I definitely did some damage to my body...probably worse than any cancer could do.  Big girls should NOT fall down.  I was a mess.  What am I saying...I am a mess.  I am a medical nightmare to my husband.  He said to me the other day...If someone told you 2 years ago you would be here today...like this..., what would you say?  I just would not have believed it in a hundred years.  I am living proof that you do not know what tomorrow brings.  Cherish each day because tomorrow you never know. 

As my surgery day draws closer I start to freak out a little more each day.  Not that I am scared of the surgery...I am just not ready to be in the "recovering" mode again.  I really enjoy having good days.  Feeling good.  Not sick.  Feeling like I don't have cancer.  I love it.  I guess I can't stop it from happening, so I'm praying for peace within for the next few days.  My surgery is NEXT THURSDAY!  I will be at St. Luke's Hospital on the Plaza.  I'm not sure how long I will be there but probably 3-7 days.  I'm planning on 3 or 4 at the most.  I am not a good patient and I do not care much for hospitals.  I will do much better the minute I get home.  Please remember to write down the 17th on your calendar to say a quick prayer for me.  I know I will be in great hands and I am not worried at all, but all the prayers I can get the better! 

So with this surgery drawing close, I look back and realized in less than 2 years I will have had 3 major surgeries....2 bowel resections and 1 liver resection.  Plus 2 ports placed.  18 rounds of chemo to date... numerous shots of neulasta, countless CT scans, PET scans, MRIs, 3 colonoscopies, and gallons of contrast, doctors appointments I can't even tell you how many, sold 2 houses, moved twice. bought 2 houses, raised a toddler to be a stinker....(that part was fun!) oh...and lets not forget hearing aides for BOTH ears... but the rest.....NOT FUN people.  My anniversary for my first surgery (I.E. the day they found my cancer is coming up.... 2 years exactly on January 23rd!)  is around the corner.  I am praying that this is it.  2 full years of crap and I made it to the other side.  I  did it with your help, your prayers, your support, your meals, your cards, your flowers, your gifts, your kindness, your love. Please know that someone with cancer can not do it alone.  They need friends and  I am truely blessed to have the people in my life that I call friends and family!  It probably sounds pretty wierd, but I really really really love my life.  I am blessed. 

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me! 

A New Years Day Black Out....

My appointment with the surgeon was exactly what I expected.  Just a meeting before my surgery.  I really like him, although he did change his tune on a couple things from before.  Now my surgery on a scale of 1-10 is about a 5-6 which has gone up a few notches and even though he mentioned I would not wake up with any drains previously this time he mentioned I would wake up with a drain or two.  I am just ready to get it behind me.  It is the waiting that is so hard. 
It is a new year.  Happy New Year to my family, friends and loved ones.  I am thankful every day for all that you do for me.  I am excited and ready for a new year.  Although I will spend most of this year recovering from surgery and finishing my chemo, I am planning on being cancer free in 2013.  I look forward to that more than anything! 
The new year is sure to bring good news and blessing to me and my family this year....but it did not start out that great.  I recently injured myself being really stupid and have sprained or torn an intercostal rib muscle that has put me in excruciating pain.  This morning while I was showering I either blacked out from the pain or from lack of oxygen since I have had difficulty taking breaths and my breathing was very shallow.  I ended up blacking out and falling out of the shower onto the floor, naked!  Not a fun way to start the new year.  I woke up only slightly bruised and banged up and made it to the bedroom where I called for my husband and told him what happened.  The fact that I was ghost white and had hit my head and banged up my knee totally freaked him out and he was ready to take me to the ER.  I on the other hand am stubborn and new that if I could just rest and relax I would be ok.  Every time I shut my eyes he would wake me up.  After lots of googling symptoms and such I ended up icing my right side and have since felt half way decent with minimal pain.  I have actually been able to move around and breath normally.  What a freak accident to start the new year.  I have had to promise both my parents and my husband that I would not give them anymore surprises.  My mom does not want me to shower anymore. : )  Don't worry, I will continue to shower.  The shower has been the hardest part of my days though.  It is physically exhausting to me to shower and the heat from the shower makes me physically ill most of the time.  Anyway...  I do feel sorry for my family.  They have been taking care of me for 2 years.  Putting up with my crying, my depression, my pain, my illness, my fatigue, my laziness....I'm sure they are tired of it.  I sure am.  2013 just has to be my turning point.  I am looking forward to what is to come. I am staying positive...I have no other choice.

What is that you say????

If I'm not writing about good news, I'm writing about bad news.  Today I had an appointment with an audiologist.  My hearing has been bad.  It has been determined that the Oxaliplatin I was on with my first round of Chemo caused Ototoxicity and it was confirmed today that I have significant permanent hearing loss in both ears!  To put a number on it would look like 50 percent hearing loss.  The good news is that I ordered hearing aids today....I was thrilled to do so and did it almost immediately after they put them in my hears to give me an idea of what I would be experiencing using hearing aids....they were amazing.... like night and day....I was sold on them...even to the tune of 4090.00 out of pocket expense (and that is after my insurance covers 2500.00).  WOWSA!  Good thing I found out after Christmas, because my husband would not have surprised me with the most amazing dining room table (I picked out) if he knew he would be forking out some big moola for hearing aids.  So, even though I am only 34 years young and SHOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THIS....I am actually pretty excited to hear again.  I recently went to a movie with Andrew and probably didn't hear half of what the movie said.  January 7th I will get my new ears. 

Ten days after I get my new ears I will be heading into surgery for my liver resection.  My surgery has been scheduled for January 17th at 8 am.  I am to be there at 615.  PLEASE write it down on your calendar to remember to say a quick prayer for me.  I am looking forward to getting rid of this cancer, but not looking forward to surgery and healing....it is just a pain in the butt.  I am however VERY excited that I am done with my chemo for a little while.  I needed a break in a bad way.  It was wearing on me and this last round really hit me hard.  I spent an entire week in the same outfit laying in the same position on the same couch.  When I did decide I needed a shower and a change of clothes on the 4th day I hopped in the shower and the shear energy it took to wash my hair combined with the heat of the shower made me sick.  So sick I couldn't finish bathing and got out of the shower vomiting and sicker than a dog.  I then decided another day of filth would be ok.  I did however manage to shower finally, change clothes and was on the road to recovery.  My Christmas was wonderful and I felt 60% well....the only real pain was from the horrific mouth sores I got and am still dealing with.  It however does not stop me from eating (even with the pain)....so really it isn't that bad.  Although tonight I did not partake in the chips and salsa at the mexican restaurant due to the pain.  Life goes on and every day is a little better than the day before.  I am so glad I will get a break from the chemo and even the recovery from surgery will be a piece of cake (I hope).  I will have 6 more rounds of chemo after my surgery and was suppose to have an added chemo which I am considering not taking since there is no known benefit to taking it.  I am just tired of chemo.  For those that are on a maintenance chemo for life I feel your pain and struggle and pray for you!  It is something that I wish upon noone!

So...I'm on the road to recovery and feeling pretty good.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends that continue to support me with positive energy and amazing surprises that keep me going.  It just helps to know that I am thought of and loved and I couldn't be more blessed.  This cancer stuff has really opened my eyes and my heart and changed me forever.  I have another appointment this Friday with the surgeon.  I'm not expecting to find anything out I didn't already know, and consider it more of a "lets just meet one last time before I slice you open and work on your liver" kind of appointment.  If I find anything out I will inform.  Until then...not sure how much I will be writing, as I really would rather enjoy my semi good and good days with my daughter and husband and family and friends....Life is so great.  I am thankful I can keep a positive outlook on life amid all this crap.  Thank you for helping me do that!