DAY 10 BEHIND A LOCKED DOOR

I have some updating to do...It has been approximately 10 days...maybe a bit more. The reason I know that is I was warned of day 10 on this chemo. They were right. I'll get back to that...and lets start at the beginning. Well, the beginning of this chemo...THIS time around. I cried my eyes out with my husband the night before my chemo treatment. Yes, I do cry. Something to do with being diagnosed with cancer and then having to go through hell and beyond and coating it with some chemo will tend to make a girl cry....probably a guy too! :) I tell you people...I am really not as strong as you think. The tears do help. Anyway...back to crying the night before...I did this because I knew (or had a good idea) of how I was going to be feeling the next day and I didn't like it. I have been feeling so good great(even with cancer growing inside of me) and then to be knocked down is just devastating. I tell you...this time around I am not as peppy as before, but I do think I have a bit more bite to me. I am super pissed this stuff came back and really super pissed that it has bullied its way into my life...mostly because it affects nearly everyone around me just as much (if not more) than it affects me. I hate that for them. I hate that for me. I hate cancer. SO... my husband and I showed up to the infusion center. We were the first ones there. My appointment was at 8 am. I was ready to just get it started and over with. I didn't anticipate having to get my freshly placed port accessed 3 times...let me repeat that THREE TIMES...and it didn't feel good. It would have been one thing if this was the worst part of my day, but it wasn't...that came when I got hooked back up to that STUPID pump that I have to carry around for 46 hours. I know it is 46 hours because there is a count down on the pump...that I watch regligiously...I also hate that thing. It is a constant reminder of the fact that I have this nasty horrid stuff flowing into my body and then when I disconnect it is almost a mean joke. I feel pretty good the days the pump is on...except for the fact that I have to be connected to it...and then when I disconnect, that is when I start to feel bad. I did that last time too. This time things were a little different but not much... I absolutely did not have any neuropathy or cold sensitivity...DID NOT HAVE IT AT ALL!!! In fact I drank ice cold water while I was being infused with the chemo at the cancer center and that was my way of giving it the finger. I guess the fact that having neuropathy and cold sensitivity is not a side effect helps though! So...the side effects were discussed with me prior to my infusion... Some of the chemo I get is called Irinotecan and in other words, like my nurse described, it can also be known as "i-run-to-the-can". She loaded me up with lots of premeds, this time to include Atropine to help with stomach cramping and diarrhea that she told me I could possibly get immediately...I didn't! Thank goodness. Mostly because I still do have a fear of going number 2 in public...but also the bathroom at the infusion center does not have a lock on it "FOR PATIENT SAFETY" and that just does not make me feel safe and/or comfortable enough to go number 2. So I was lucky (thank you GOD for that blessing) that I did not have diarrhea at the infusion center. They did tell me that if I didn't get it immediately I would get it on day 10. They were right. RIGHT ON THE MONEY! I will spare you the details, but know that I was safe and comfortable behind a locked door! So yesterday was day 10 and I skipped a bunch of days in there. The first week was filled with lots of FATIGUE, VOMIT and NAUSEA...so it wasn't much fun. The great part of the week was full of meals from my mom and mother-in-law which helped out tremendously. I also managed to schedule an appointment with a liver surgeon that I will go to today. Kinda nervous about this appointment...but if it involves a trip to WORLD MARKET with my mom it will make everything better. :) I like to forget about my first week and go directly to week 2. I feel much better week 2 (minus day 10...and really that only affected me for half of the day)...with mostly just some fatigue and slight nausea and upset stomach. I have managed to keep my hair so far, but I am not out of the clear and every day that I see hair fall out I weep inside a little more. Believe me...this girl will not look good bald...so for whoever out there is really wanting me to loose my beautiful hair...I beg you to reconsider. We did have a great Monday with Andrew home thanks to his new 4 day work week. I just love the time we have together. It really does mean more to me now than it ever did. I never took having a family for granted. I struggled to have a family. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter for me or a more perfect dad for her. I am thankful for the struggles in my life for the lessons they have taught me. I would however be ok with a few years of no lessons... But... the reward from learning is so sweet. So I go on. One day at a time! That is all we have...today! Nothing is guaranteed. Treasure it. Own it. LOVE it. most importantly...LIVE it!

I couldn't be more thankful for the fact that I am not further into my treatment this mtime of year. I'm not sure how crappy I will feel the further into it I go...but I'm sure it will not be fun. This is my favorite month. I love October. I love Halloween. Yes...that is me...the mom that loves to scare her child in the Halloween Store or the aisle at Walmart with the costumes and masks. I know I will probably go to hell for it...but I can't help myself! I love this time of year. I can't NOT buy the fake poop and gummy boogers and fake bubba teeth. Yes...that was me in church with the bubba teeth in...and I did give gummy boogers to some little boys I know and love down the street and I had to use the fake poop on the other little boys I know and love. I of course had to include a picture of the poop I put on my nephew William's library book. Hillarious...I know. I will do anything for a good laugh! :)

So now that day 10 is behind me...I have a great weekend to look forward to. It is going to be packed full of things to do with some amazing time spent with my family. Then...again...Sunday night I will be the one bawling my eyes out because bright and early Monday morning I will start treatment number 2. Pray for me. I need the prayers. If you are a prayer warrior...just take a second after you are done reading this and talk to God...He is taking care of me and I'm sure doesn't need any reminders...but it can't hurt right? I am a big advocate of prayers. When I tell someone I will pray for them...I do. I usually spend most of my time on facebook praying for people. I will stop whatever I am doing...and talk to God. It only takes a few seconds. So...if you are someone who says they pray for people and really don't do it...might want to try what I do. When you write it down or tell someone that...at that moment...take a second and just talk to God. He listens. Always! I will report back soon... maybe with details on my appointment today. Pray it goes well! :) (that means stop what you are doing and say a quick prayer) :) Love you guys. You mean the world to me!