NO IT ISN'T! I hope I am not giving off the impression that cancer and cancer treatment (chemo in my case) is easy. IT IS NOT!
Today is a tough day for me...actually it spilled over from yesterday. I told the nurse practitioner that after my 4 months of chemo and then my surgery... I was DONE! I did not want to do the last 2 months. She informed me I needed to discuss that with the doctor, which I told her I would gladly do! I am so tired of this. Tired of feeling bad. Tired of worrying about getting sick and ending up in the hospital because I can't fight off anything. Tired of all the side effects. Tired of CANCER! I want the 4 months done, I want my reversal surgery and then I want to be FINISHED! I want to go on with my life...my NORMAL life...my cancer free life.
I am proud I have gotten this far with a fairly good attitude about it. I am proud of what I have accomplished and the lessons I have learned...but I'm tired now, and I'm ready to stop. I know...I'm a wuss!
Today I went in for the 1st of my $3000.00 neupogen shots I will get this week. I can't wait for these side effects...they are lovely. Bones aching...feeling bad...oh joy! Tomorrow I'll go back in for another one. That is a total of $6000.00 worth of shots, $12,000.00 worth of chemo, $10.00 for my prescription Zofran (gotta have that), $250.00 for the doctor visit...all in one week...a grand total of: $18,260.00! Like I said before...CANCER IS EXPENSIVE!!! Oh, plus I ordered my supplies for my colostomy today for $389.94! Wowza!
So, last night I was up all night with pain and throbbing and numbness to my hands! Remember what my feet looked like? That is what happened to my hands...except every finger tip went numb! I talked to the nurse practitioner today and she informed me they could not lower the dose anymore...oh gee...this is going to be a lovely 4 more treatments. Pray for strength for me...and endurance...I will need it! Also pray this neuropathy that I am experiencing with my hands does not end up permanent...that would be horrible!
I have already started to feel nauseous...it could be because I am so upset right now about this crap I have to go through...all I can say is thank GOD for Zofran...it seems to be working. I also ate some lunch which should help.
The mouth sores are back along with the sores in my nose that never went away. Those nose sores cause BAD bloody noses daily! Part of my morning and evening and pretty much all day long regimen is putting either Vaseline or bacitracin up my nose. It is one lovely beauty tip! It works though!
The constipation has set in already...now I get to look forward to 2-3 days of diarrhea ahead...LOVELY! This stuff is like clock work!
I'm telling you...this chemo is some nasty stuff! It wears you down, and makes you angry. It literally kicks your butt! Good thing I'm still fighting. I might have been knocked down a little, but I will always get back up and kick cancers arse!
Thank you all for the support! The emails, the facebook messages, the messages on the blog, the letters and gifts, the meals!!! It is all so helpful! It lifts my spirits!
Today is a good day...I'm praying tomorrow will be better!
Keep fighting Jen. I can only imagine the pain and discomfort you are feeling but just remember....it will all be worth it on that day when they test you and tell you you are CANCER FREE! You have a wonderful life ahead of you, a beautiful daughter and a loving husband. It's ok to sit and cry...this is NOT FAIR but then sometimes life is not fair. Have faith in God and he will lead the way for you! Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way!!
ReplyDeleteStay strong Jen, you are doing sooo well. I also wonder why things happen to people but know that you fighting this fight is such an inspiration to all your friends and family. I have faith that you will be cancer free after this tough journey !!
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie! You are such an inspiration and doing a great job at fighting this. You have friends and family that love you and are behind you though all of this. Praying for you daily and I know you will win this battle. You will be cancer free and have your normal life back before you know it. Just think of all the lives you have touched through this process. Stay strong we love you!!
ReplyDeletehang in there girl, you're almost there! have you tried getting a prescription for ativan? It's primarily prescribed to treat anxiety, but my mom found it really helpful in dealing with nausea. (and it does have the added effect of chilling you out when you are feeling stressed and anxious about the BULLSHIT CANCER!!! She used in conjunction with a "real" anti-nausea drug (compazine) and that seemed to be the best combination. (The ativan made her too loopy at the quantities she needed to control the nausea if she didn't combine it with the
ReplyDeletecompazine.) Just a thought!
Also, if you begin to get a metallic taste when you eat (another lovely chemo side effect), try switching to eating off plastic cutlery. Don't know why this works, but someone recommended it to us and it worked!
My bet's on you - you're gonna beat this.
Erin Holland
I've been thinking of you a lot today! You know whatever happens, you have my full support. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I know you're totally exhausted. Just remember -- you're kicking ass and taking names daily, even if you don't feel like you are. :)
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