I am literally out of breath daily! I am tired. I think the chemo is killing me. I am convinced there isn't any cancer left in my body (I don't think there was any when I started chemo). I am struggleing these days. If my Dr. had not told me that if I choose not to do the chemo he couldn't argue...I might think differently. I am tired. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired...and if it is for no reason...I feel like I am done. This chemo can't guarantee my cancer won't come back. It can't guarantee anything really. In fact it might do more harm? Who knows.
I keep telling myself...knowing you have (or had) cancer is half the battle...once you know and have removed it (like in my situation), the rest of my life will be full of doctors actually listening to my complaints (like if I haven't pooped in 12 days) and doing a butt load (no pun intended) of tests (colonoscopies, CT scans, PET scans, blood work, etc). If my cancer ever does come back, it will be caught in time and dealt with again. Right? Someone tell me this makes sense! PLEASE!!!
I am only 32 years old... I shouldn't feel like I'm 80. I should have some energy to play with my daughter and enjoy my days. I should be able to go to a playground or store and not worry about what I touch and bring wipes with me to wipe everything I come in contact with. I should not have to worry about kissing my baby girl when she has a runny nose. I am tired of this.
I have completed 4 treatments (2 months)...it feels like an eternity. I am suppose to have 4 more treatments (2 more months) before my surgery. I'm not sure if that will happen. I go in Wednesday for blood work...one of my many side effects is my low blood counts...I may have to talk to the doctor then about my concerns. I would hate to have this chemo kill me, and I seriously think it is (it definitely feels like it anyway).
Am I being a baby? Am I complaining too much? I just spent the last 30 minutes with an uncontrollable bloody nose...this really sucks.
This last chemo treatment was the hardest by far! The neuropathy set in, and I literally felt like a mental patient...my hands and feet were bothering me so bad with their constant itching, tingling, pain that it was driving me crazy. On top of that I didn't feel well and was exhausted. I spent an entire day on the verge of tears or in tears...I should have been admitted to the mental hospital. I was going crazy! This time has been too much for me.
I want to feel good again. I want to quit.
You have EVERY right to complain, cry, bitch, etc. but after all of that, you know you are doing what you MUST do for yourself, your loving husband, and that beautiful little Charly! When you think you can't do it anymore, just look at them and it all becomes crystal clear!!! We all love you Jen and are so proud of you, even when you complain, cry, & bitch about your life!!!! :) REMEMBER, TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER THAN TODAY!!
ReplyDeleteJen hun I agree with Cindy. Hang in there. I know it is easier to say that then sit in your shoes. You can do this! You are half way over at this point. If you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone on the other end of the phone to scream I am here. I know it must be frustrating but you are doing the right thing and have every right to complain at this point. We love you and are sending prayers your way. Let us know if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteJen, It totally breaks my heart that you are feeling so frustrated with all of this - it isnt fair!! Your are half way there and are over the hump, you are fighting your battle and Winning. You are such an inspiration to sooo many even when you are having those bad days just remember how many good days you have ahead of you !! We love you !! Keep fighting !!
ReplyDeleteQUIT is not in your vocabulary!! :)
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