Little Monsters....

First off...Thank you Lord for answering my prayers and the prayers of my friends and family.  I thought going through cancer was scary...I was wrong.  The fight is simply that...a fight.  It keeps you busy...it keeps you focused...you have a purpose and a goal.  This....this stage that I'm at....this "survivorship" is hard.  Emotionally it stinks.  I have never been so unsure and worried in my life.  This is my life now.  This is what I have to look forward to in the months and years to come.  I have successfully made it through this scan.  I am beyond thankful.  It potentially had the recipe for a major disaster!  Andrew was leaving town Friday, which happened to be the day I would get my results.  If I had bad results it would have been a horrible weekend.  I also just started a new job and as in the past, I tend to start new jobs and have to quit because something "cancer" related happens.  I can happily say this is not the case!  I also have a house full of kiddos that need me!  I'm sorry cancer...I don't have time for you right now.  STAY AWAY!!!!!

So what has been going on with me????  Like I said I have a house full of kiddos!  My boys are doing great!  Growing like weeds!  We really can no longer refer to them as "big" head and "little" head, since "little" head has now caught up with his much larger noggined foster brother!  I love them completely!!!!  Charly, my rotten and oh so adorable 4 year old, is definitely the sun to my shine.  I could not be more in love with this little girl.  And now for the icing on the cake..... I have accumulated a TEENAGER!!!!!  Yes....I do believe the chemo has affected my brain.  But, this beautiful 14 year old has completed our family and made things interesting.  We have been able to do things we normally would not be doing....like enrolling in high school and going to freshman orientation, and school supply shopping that actually requires school supplies and not snacks, wet wipes and kleenex!  So we have quickly gone from a family of 3 to a wonderful crowd of 6!  Our home is crazy and we love it.  My refrigerator now is covered in dry erase boards for schedules, lists, chores, etc!  It is fun.  It is hard work.  But....it is worth it!  I love them all and couldn't be happier and more content to share my home with these wonderful little monsters! 

So...yeah....I really don't have time to worry about cancer these days.  (at least not my own!)  I do pray and think about my "cancer" friends (and I'm sad to say I have quite a few) and when they hurt, I hurt, and when they get good news, I get good news.  I really feel my calling was to go through this battle to be there for others.  I honestly don't go through the day without thinking about and praying for Robyn B., Chris, Caryn, Jenna, Heidi, Ethan, Kori, Chuck, and this is just to name a few.....!  I wish they weren't on this cancer road, but these incredible people will kick cancer arse! 

I really intended to write more, but wouldn't you know....I have someone needing me!  I am happy to change diapers, wipe butts, do laundry, make meals, go shopping, clean the house....and when I think about how sometimes I just want to sit down and SLEEP...I go back to my chemo times and how that was all I did.  I don't want to do that again.  Life is too short!  Enjoy it.  Live it.  Share it.  LOVE IT!

Little Head and Big Head....

I have to admit...this blog hasn't crossed my mind.  It probably has something to do with the fact that my life has made a major turn!  Cancer is now the last thing on my mind these days...instead it is filled with feedings, burpings, changing diapers, dressing, laundry, laundry, did I mention laundry, and then all the normal stuff I use to do.... like hanging out with my totally awesome 4 year old.  Life is funny sometimes.  Yes....we have a couple babies in the house.  I would totally start a new blog about that but I don't think I would have time to update it.  We are currently fostering a 2 month old baby boy "baby little head" who we took from the NICU at 2 weeks old...and then we are fostering a 5 month old baby boy "baby big head" who we took from protective custody when he was involved in a robbery!  LOL  I'm hoping this kid got his wild streak out of the way at 5 months old.  He is our little gangsta!  Both babies are possible adoptions for us and we are praying every night that.... #1 they will sleep through the night  #2 that we will live through this baby stage and #3 that of course they will both become part of our family.  We have already fallen in love with them, how could you not!
Besides not being able to leave the house on a regular basis, shower most days and brushing teeth has become a luxury we always took for granted....life has been good for us.  We are settling into our home that is now FULL of baby stuff.  My next CT scan is in August and I have to tell you, when I start to think about it, it kind of freaks me out.  OK, it freaks me out big time....but I can't live my life like that and I continue to just live it one day at a time and enjoy every moment I am loving on my husband, daughter and two babies.  I have felt pretty good.  I am still taking daily shots of Lovenox (blood thinner) due to my pulmonary embolism, which I will really see how that is doing on my CT scan in August.  I'm confident it is healed, as I am not short of breath anymore. 
I feel like my job aside from being a wife and mother, daughter,  sister, aunt, friend, etc.... is to help friends close to me that are going through this cancer journey.  I have far too many people in my life that I email, text, call, and constantly pray for that are currently on their own cancer journey.  I feel that I am of some help (I hope I am) having been in their shoes and felt their feelings and cried their tears.  I am thankful I can be here for them.  I continue to fight cancer right along with them. 

I didn't shave my legs for this!

As I promised.  I will update.  Today was result day.  I was not ready for this.  I have never lost so much sleep worrying.  I am not a worrier.  I don't worry.  I never have. Worry is the work of the devil.  (well I don't worry much).  The fact is that this time going into my scan was the worst I have felt physically since January 2011 when this all started.  My body is worn down.  Tired.  Weak.  It needs a break.  I can't seem to catch one either. 

The great news is that today my scans were found clear of cancer!  PRAISE GOD!  I was telling my mom the other day... going through chemo is much easier than not when you have or had cancer.  At least you feel like you are doing something to fight back.  At this point...It feels as if I am just waiting for the floor to fall underneath me.  It feels like it is just a matter of time before it is back.  I hate this feeling.  It is a never ending battle going on inside my head.  I want to be so happy I am cancer free...but I don't want to get too excited or to comfortable thinking it will not come back.  I know from experience what can happen.  I also told my mom today...I want nothing more than complete healing from cancer....but I don't pray for that.  I never have.  God knows what I want.  I also know what He can do.  My prayer to God is that whatever the outcome is...that He will just walk with me, holding my hand and give me the strength to get through it.  That might mean I end up with total healing, or that might mean I end up hanging out in heaven...either way I have never been afraid.  It is the peace that passes all understanding. I am blessed. 

The bad news today was that although my scan did not show any cancer!!!...it did show that I have a pulmonary embolism.  (a blood clot in my lung).  I kind of laughed about it and said, "am I going to die from this?!"  and my doctors response was "well, they can be fatal (which I knew) and I have been thinking about how to treat it for the past two days.  It has me concerned.  You just can't make things easy for me, can you?"  WOW!  SO..... although I am pretty confident I am NOT going to die from this, I have been put on daily shots of a blood thinner (Lovenox) for the next 3-6 months, depending on the result of my ultrasounds today.  Oh...yeah....did I mention I had to go have my legs  ultrasounded today!  WHAT?!?!?  I didn't shave my legs, and haven't for awhile..., I didn't slap on any fake tan, I was wearing underwear with holes in them....WHAT?!?!?!?!  I was definitely not ready for someone to be rubbing all over my legs...and unfortunately it was going to happen today (as my doctor wrote the order for ASAP) and it was going to happen with the male species performing the ultrasound.  LORD YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!  I DO NOT LIKE IT SOMETIMES! I was just thankful the room was dimly lit....and that it only took 45 minutes!  Yes... I did say 45 minutes.  I swear sometimes I think these things happen to me so I can seriously laugh it off.  It actually wasn't too bad.  But...then again...I have learned a lesson the hard way.  SHAVE YOUR LEGS ALWAYS...RELIGIOUSLY WEAR FAKE TAN...and throw away underwear with holes in them.  Why is it that I have to learn things the hard way?

I have not heard the results yet from my ultrasounds, but I am assuming they are ok...my doctor is pretty good at scaring informing me.  If this episode of my life gets a little crazier I will update and keep you informed! :)  Please pray for me.  Pray for my family that has been dealing with this as well.  It is never easy....on anyone! 

The good news is that as I will be giving myself shots daily, I can teach Charly that they don't hurt to prepare her for her 4 year well check up!  4 years old...can you believe it!  Thank you for checking in on me! 

now we wait.....

I have never felt so unsure before.  I have never had such a restless nights sleep over a CT scan.  I broke down crying the other day...this is hard.  Cancer is hard.  I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same.  I can never be normal again.  I know I have to move on and find my new "normal", but it feels like I am stuck.  I am having a hard time taking the first step. I came home from my appointment today just EXHAUSTED from stress and sick from the contrast.....

Today I had my CT scan.  I gulp down glass after glass of nasty contrast and then do the 10 minute CT Scan and PRAY the entire time while they push some more nasty stuff in my port.  I know either way I will be ok...regardless of the results.  I just hate the unknown and hate waiting.  I really want to go back to a time in my life where CT scans, labs and doctors appointments were not part of my regular routine.  I didn't have this in mind for me when I thought of growing up. 

Friday I have my appointment to meet with my doctor and go over results of the scan and lab work.  I will update again.  Until then....get on your knees and pray for me! :)

More Zofran, More Ativan, More Prozac...NO MORE CHEMO??!!!?!?! WHAT?

How did this happen?  How did I get to this place in my life?  Why is it that I am only 34 (yes I always have to double check how old I am) and feel like I have lived a lifetime?  I feel my 34 years has brought me so much wisdom and opened my eyes and my heart to so much that I couldn't see or hear (before hearing aides!!!) before.  It happened so fast...like a tornado.  What a whirlwind it was...and in the same fashion it left.  I am proud to say that as of right now...I am cancer free.  My scans are clear, my labs are clear and as far as my team of oncologists are concerned (and lots of years of research behind them) I do not need chemo from this point on.  How did this happen? 

I went to my first appointment following my liver resection surgery on Friday to see my oncologist.  This was the first time I was going to see her since I took my break from chemo to have surgery, and the time had come for me to finish out the treatment that we had decided on.  Initially I was to finish 6 rounds of chemo, have surgery and then finish the remaining 6 rounds of chemo to complete the entire Folfiri treatment.  The last 6 treatments were also to include an additional chemo drug call Cetuximab that really was only being taken to be OVERLY cautious because there was no known benefit to take it at that point.  THIS is the chemo I had been having conflicting thoughts about in my head.  Why take another chemo drug just to take it?  If I didn't have the science to back it up, I was not completely sure I wanted to poison my body any more than I already was.  So...I set off to my appointment Friday with three bullets on my agenda to take care of!  1. I needed refills of meds.  I needed my zofran, ativan, prozac all refilled to get me by while starting chemo again.  2. I needed to discuss with my oncologist my fall resulting in a partial collapsed lung and the fact that everyone that was reading my most recent x-rays was continuing to tell me there was a "mass" that I needed to discuss with my oncologist. Last but not least #3....I wanted to discuss the "additional chemo" (the cetuximab) because I really was reluctant to take it.  I needed to be reassured a little more by her that it was going to do some kind of good and not just be added misery to me for no reason.  So...I did this...I knocked out #1, and #2 and when it got to #3 and I mentioned I was not sure if I wanted to take the additional chemo, her response was "I think that is a legitimate argument...and because there are no added benefits at this point to continue with it after my discussion with your Oncologist at MD Anderson, I think it is perfectly reasonable to stop taking it at this time."  She continued with "We will schedule a followup CT in 1 month to look at your lungs, chest and abdomen again and get a very good picture, and then we will start every 4 month visits."  I was not understanding her correctly and followed up with "sounds like a great plan, I will do the 4 month visits after my last 6 rounds of chemo (the folfiri)????"  She responded.  "No, you are done!  At this point there is no need to continue with the chemo.  With no evidence of the disease it is not shown to be effective at all through any research.  Nothing backs up the fact that it would do any good as a preventative chemo and since you already tood the 12 rounds of folfox, you have already completed the preventative chemo that you would need."  My oncologist and I were obviously not on the same page.  I was talking about the Cetuximab as the "extra chemo" and she was talking about the last 6 folfiri treatments as the "extra chemo".    When we finally did get on the same track and I realized what she was saying to me.....

I WAS SPEECHLESS!

It happened so fast.  It was just over...just like that!  A weight had been lifted off of me.  I felt like I was given my life back.  I had gone in to my appointment with the strength and determination to finish my last 6 chemo treatments and now I was being told I was done.  At that moment I think I understood what it feels like to be released from a prison.  To be given a true second chance at life.  To be free.  At that point everything changed.  I had been planning on the next 3-4 months being filled with lots of mouth sores, vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion, fatigue, sickness, weakness....etc, etc, etc.... but now...I could mark through my calendar on the weeks I had chemo scheduled and dedicated to feeling like complete POO and could actually have a life!  I could live!  I could be a wife, a mother, a friend, again!  I didn't have to be a burden to anyone, especially my mom who had become my caretaker.  Things had changed.  It was wonderful!  I am beyond exstatic!  I came home from my appointment and told Charly that I was not going to be having anymore "owies" (that is what she calls my chemo pump) and she was thrilled!  I told Andrew and he was so excited.  This opened up so much for us as a family!  We are moving into our home this week, we will start fostering again, I can start working (part time) again, and things will turn around for us.  We can get back on our feet and take a deep breath.  We look forward to what the future brings! 

This is not to say we are not scared to death...but we move forward with the strength and trust we can only find in our Lord and Savior...who through Him, all things are possible! 

I am proud to say at this point, I am a 2 time cancer survivor!  I did it.  We did it.  I couldn't have done it without you!  Thank you again, I can't say it enough, for the love, support and encouragement you have shown me! 

Cancer Schmancer....

News Flash...I have cancer.  CANCER!  It hasn't gone away.  It is really wierd to think about it because most of the time I don't feel like I have it.  But it is there...it is always there...in the back of my mind...life goes on....
I was feeling pretty bad today because I had decided to cancel my appointment to start chemo again.  I just wasn't ready to endure another 12 weeks of hell after feeling so good (... like having a liver resection has been a vacation for me....how sad is that?).  Anyway...so I thought to myself: dang, I let it get to me...I let it win today...I couldn't fight and kick its arse and go to my appointment.  I felt pretty bad.  I am tired of being in fighting mode, and I still have it in me, a fight that is...but dang...I just wanted a break....ok...a little longer break...with no surgery, no recovery, no pain...just me, feeling like me again....if I can even remember what me feels like anymore!  So anyway...after trying to come up with an excuse to cancel and postpone what is bound to happen, I found out I didn't have chemo today after all!  So...there cancer....I still win! :)  It turns out that they are giving me till March 8th so that I can visit with my Oncologist and then start chemo treatment # 1 of  # 6 on March 11th.  Ok, so it turns out I am not a complete chemo chicken and even though I thought I cancelled something I shouldn't have, I didn't, and therefore I still win, right?  I still come out on top!  CANCER, YOU SUCK!

I am definitely going to enjoy the last couple weeks chemo free!  I have to.  I have no choice.  I am not going to cancel March 11...I'm going to get back into it and KICK ITS ARSE!  Again...CANCER YOU SUCK!

Cancer aint cheap folks....

The days are flying by.  Chemo will start up again before I know it.  I dread it.  DREAD! The only thing that keeps me positive right now is to keep in mind that I am on the down hill slope with only 6 more treatments.  That is 6 more treatments and what will feel like a life time of scans to worry over.  The hardest part for me so far has not been the treatment or the surgeries, but the burden I put on my family and husband.  I have said it before...cancer is not cheap.  This year we are looking at a total of 10,000 out of pocket before our deductible is met for 2013 (this includes 2012 deductible since we have just started recieving medical bills for my chemo that started in October!).  On top of the lovely 10,000.00 we will pay for medical bills I had to purchase hearing aides in January costin me 4,090.00 out of pocket (insurance paid 2500.00).  Every month I pay for my prescriptions which add up (anti-nausea meds, ativan, depression meds, etc) .... all of this is a result of cancer.  AND all on one income now, thanks to cancer.  I continue to battle stage 4 cancer.  I continue to fight every day.  I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me or to ask for anything, but so you take a second to realize what it would be like if God forbid this happened to you.  If you lost your job, how would that affect your family?  If you couldn't live without medical treatment that?  I have truely been blessed with some amazing friends and families and COMPLETE STRANGERS that have supported me and helped out financially when we needed it the most.  For that I want to thank you.  Right now my prayer is that my husband who is employed by the Federal Government (Missouri National Guard) can keep his job and not loose it as a result of sequestration.  I would really like to keep my medical insurance.  Is that so much to ask?  

CHANGE

I was talking to my mom the other day.  We were talking about how cancer affects your life.  We talk about cancer alot.  It seems to be the topic of many discussions.  My response to her was that "cancer ruins your life and your plans".  I quickly took back my words and changed them.  "Cancer just changes your life" I said.  I can't be angry at the way things are now.  At least not all the time.  You have to accept the change and move forward....and try not to look back.  Don't look back.  I have been thinking about this quite a bit since I am planning a trip back to Jefferson City soon to see some friends.  I think about our old life.  I think about how things were great.  I think about how you never know what is around the corner.  YOU. NEVER. KNOW! I write that as a warning as much as a celebration.  Things change.  Doesn't mean they have to be worse...even with cancer. 

Our lives are what we work for.  You plan (HA!!!!) and work toward goals and sometimes things get in the way....hurdles...and you maneuver around them.  You crash into them...you jump over them...or maybe you try to avoid them.  They are there though.  It is a little something called life.  LIFE.  I am no expert on life or how to live it.  I just do the best I can.  It isn't easy and I don't want it to look easy.  It isn't easy for me.  I have struggles too...but you move forward.  You pray, you love, you trust, you hope and more than anything you keep your faith.  I choose to use this struggle for good.  I choose to grow from it.  I choose to get through the hurdles that life throws at me.  Sometimes it is fun and sometimes it isn't, but when you get through them, the reward is so great.  That doesn't necessarily mean the reward here on Earth either.  I am not living my life for the rewards here...I just plan on enjoying them to the fullest while they last.  My reward is waiting for me...when the time comes I will joyfully jump that hurdle. 

Cancer has changed my life.  It is a challenge for a relationship to withstand 2 years of struggles and hurdles.  I am blessed with a husband that has stood by me and support me.  Our goals and plans have changed, and not by our choice, but we have to accept them and continue this marathon called life.  If I never do anything right again in life, I have to say I did make the smartest choice when choosing my husband and then on top of that was blessed beyond belief with my beautiful daughter.  I have a family that is there for me and loves me and supports me.  They fight this battle with me, and for that I am truely thankful. 

Financially, cancer is not cheap.  It puts things in perspective.  You take fewer trips to walmart and more trips to the pharmacy. It is a hurdle that is thrown in your path.  

Spiritually you can't help but question and grow from your experience.  You lean on the Lord for all your strength and you keep your faith. 

I love that quote that says "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".  Mine just happens to be cancer. 

STAPLES OUT!

My appointment Wednesday went well.  I was unable to meet with the surgeon but did meet with the nurse practitioner.  Ever since I fell out of the shower I have had a hard time with my lungs and after discussing this again with the NP she ordered another chest xray and some lab work because ever since my surgery my normal 50-60 pulse has been 110-120.... not sure what is going on.  My xray came back better than the initial one that showed the lung collapse, but still not good and after the doctor reviewed it he wanted me to continue to do 10 deep breaths on the spirometry an hour.  They also continue to talk about a dense "mass" on my lung that they are not too concerned about but that I should mention it to my oncologist when I see her the end of February for a follow up CT scan.  My 33 staples did come out and the incision looks good.  The mysterious area that has been bothering me, ends up being a large hematoma with scar tissue buildup around it.  I am scheduled for a 4 week follow up again with the surgeon, but I am doing well.  I feel great.  Next appointment is with the oncologist on February 22nd and chemo is planned to resume on the 25th.  I'm planning on enjoying my time till then and making a trip to Jefferson City to see some of my favorite people in the world!  Until then....

12 days later...

My staples are still in...and slightly oozing.  Some days my shirts get lots of spots on them from the ooziness...and then other days it is dry.  This morning after my shower my scab from the drain hole wanted off...so I offered my services (especially because I am a really good picker) and off the scab went and voila....a large hole exists in my abdomen still.  In real life there is almost what appears to be like a tunnel in it.  I am not sure what I did but last week while I was trying to lay down on the couch I felt something in my incision that did not feel right....and to this day.... there is a hard lump in the area and bruising.  It is the one spot in my entire incision that hurts.  The area lies almost directly above the drain hole spot.  I go to the doctor this Wednesday to get my staples out and I will bring this to his attention.  Not sure what it is....I'm almost convinced they left an instrument or something in my stomach....wouldn't that be wild!   :)  Anyway....I am doing well.  My lung is still healing.  I am still using my spirometry and every day is a little better...and still a little closer to starting my chemo back up.  The plan is to start back on Chemo on Feb. 25th.  Not thrilled about this, but definitely ready for it to get started and be done.  Praying this is the last time I have surgery and the last time I have chemo for this cancer!

Happy 2nd Cancerversary!

Two years ago today my cancer was found.  I was in the emergency room and my path and Dr. T's path crossed and a life was saved.  Thank you Dr. T.  The story is still very vivid in my mind.  I remember the days leading up to it....especially how everyone was betting on whether or not I would poop today or tomorrow or when?  Who would guess the right day?  :)  It is funny looking back.  This road I have been on for two years has taught me alot.  I have grown so much and am more thankful today for what I have than I ever was.  I proudly celebrate my 2 year Anniversary!  The road is not over yet....the journey continues.  I am now in the process of healing from my liver resection.  This surgery sucked.  It hurt and still hurts and there is nothing about it that was fun, but I am 1 week from my liver resection and every day is a little better.  I'm glad I no longer have a central line to deal with, Arterial sticks, Femoral sticks, drains, pumps, blah blah blah.....it was down right ugly and awful and the worst part about it was I gained 22 lbs from the surgery.  I have since lost 11 but dang...nobody told me about that.  NO FUN!  I woke up and my stomach was enormous.  I will post a picture...not because I want to, but because I know you guys like the nasty pics! :)

Yeah....I know....pretty nasty!  Way bigger than I thought.  Plus do you see that small dark hole under it?  That is where they pulled ever so slowly on the drain to remove it....the one and only time I cried and then yelled at the nurse and resident to leave and quit watching me cry.  Thank GOD that is over.  So....I am left with the 33 staples and an incision from hell.  One day soon someone will stop cursing my stomach and I will get to start working on getting it back to a semi normal state.  It is just hideous!
So.....other than recovering, I am glad to be home with my family and my baby who missed me very much and I wanted to say Thank you to everyone that visited me in the hospital, sent me cards, flowers, plants, emails, texts, prayers and good wishes and thoughts.  Love you guys and couldn't do it without you behind me! 

These are the days of our lives....

Blacking out and falling out of the shower had me down a full week.  It was awful.  Breathing was the worst.  I don't think I could lay flat or sleep in my bed for at least 3-4 days.  I didn't shower for a week and I didn't leave the house AT ALL.... I definitely did some damage to my body...probably worse than any cancer could do.  Big girls should NOT fall down.  I was a mess.  What am I saying...I am a mess.  I am a medical nightmare to my husband.  He said to me the other day...If someone told you 2 years ago you would be here today...like this..., what would you say?  I just would not have believed it in a hundred years.  I am living proof that you do not know what tomorrow brings.  Cherish each day because tomorrow you never know. 

As my surgery day draws closer I start to freak out a little more each day.  Not that I am scared of the surgery...I am just not ready to be in the "recovering" mode again.  I really enjoy having good days.  Feeling good.  Not sick.  Feeling like I don't have cancer.  I love it.  I guess I can't stop it from happening, so I'm praying for peace within for the next few days.  My surgery is NEXT THURSDAY!  I will be at St. Luke's Hospital on the Plaza.  I'm not sure how long I will be there but probably 3-7 days.  I'm planning on 3 or 4 at the most.  I am not a good patient and I do not care much for hospitals.  I will do much better the minute I get home.  Please remember to write down the 17th on your calendar to say a quick prayer for me.  I know I will be in great hands and I am not worried at all, but all the prayers I can get the better! 

So with this surgery drawing close, I look back and realized in less than 2 years I will have had 3 major surgeries....2 bowel resections and 1 liver resection.  Plus 2 ports placed.  18 rounds of chemo to date... numerous shots of neulasta, countless CT scans, PET scans, MRIs, 3 colonoscopies, and gallons of contrast, doctors appointments I can't even tell you how many, sold 2 houses, moved twice. bought 2 houses, raised a toddler to be a stinker....(that part was fun!) oh...and lets not forget hearing aides for BOTH ears... but the rest.....NOT FUN people.  My anniversary for my first surgery (I.E. the day they found my cancer is coming up.... 2 years exactly on January 23rd!)  is around the corner.  I am praying that this is it.  2 full years of crap and I made it to the other side.  I  did it with your help, your prayers, your support, your meals, your cards, your flowers, your gifts, your kindness, your love. Please know that someone with cancer can not do it alone.  They need friends and  I am truely blessed to have the people in my life that I call friends and family!  It probably sounds pretty wierd, but I really really really love my life.  I am blessed. 

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me! 

A New Years Day Black Out....

My appointment with the surgeon was exactly what I expected.  Just a meeting before my surgery.  I really like him, although he did change his tune on a couple things from before.  Now my surgery on a scale of 1-10 is about a 5-6 which has gone up a few notches and even though he mentioned I would not wake up with any drains previously this time he mentioned I would wake up with a drain or two.  I am just ready to get it behind me.  It is the waiting that is so hard. 
It is a new year.  Happy New Year to my family, friends and loved ones.  I am thankful every day for all that you do for me.  I am excited and ready for a new year.  Although I will spend most of this year recovering from surgery and finishing my chemo, I am planning on being cancer free in 2013.  I look forward to that more than anything! 
The new year is sure to bring good news and blessing to me and my family this year....but it did not start out that great.  I recently injured myself being really stupid and have sprained or torn an intercostal rib muscle that has put me in excruciating pain.  This morning while I was showering I either blacked out from the pain or from lack of oxygen since I have had difficulty taking breaths and my breathing was very shallow.  I ended up blacking out and falling out of the shower onto the floor, naked!  Not a fun way to start the new year.  I woke up only slightly bruised and banged up and made it to the bedroom where I called for my husband and told him what happened.  The fact that I was ghost white and had hit my head and banged up my knee totally freaked him out and he was ready to take me to the ER.  I on the other hand am stubborn and new that if I could just rest and relax I would be ok.  Every time I shut my eyes he would wake me up.  After lots of googling symptoms and such I ended up icing my right side and have since felt half way decent with minimal pain.  I have actually been able to move around and breath normally.  What a freak accident to start the new year.  I have had to promise both my parents and my husband that I would not give them anymore surprises.  My mom does not want me to shower anymore. : )  Don't worry, I will continue to shower.  The shower has been the hardest part of my days though.  It is physically exhausting to me to shower and the heat from the shower makes me physically ill most of the time.  Anyway...  I do feel sorry for my family.  They have been taking care of me for 2 years.  Putting up with my crying, my depression, my pain, my illness, my fatigue, my laziness....I'm sure they are tired of it.  I sure am.  2013 just has to be my turning point.  I am looking forward to what is to come. I am staying positive...I have no other choice.

What is that you say????

If I'm not writing about good news, I'm writing about bad news.  Today I had an appointment with an audiologist.  My hearing has been bad.  It has been determined that the Oxaliplatin I was on with my first round of Chemo caused Ototoxicity and it was confirmed today that I have significant permanent hearing loss in both ears!  To put a number on it would look like 50 percent hearing loss.  The good news is that I ordered hearing aids today....I was thrilled to do so and did it almost immediately after they put them in my hears to give me an idea of what I would be experiencing using hearing aids....they were amazing.... like night and day....I was sold on them...even to the tune of 4090.00 out of pocket expense (and that is after my insurance covers 2500.00).  WOWSA!  Good thing I found out after Christmas, because my husband would not have surprised me with the most amazing dining room table (I picked out) if he knew he would be forking out some big moola for hearing aids.  So, even though I am only 34 years young and SHOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THIS....I am actually pretty excited to hear again.  I recently went to a movie with Andrew and probably didn't hear half of what the movie said.  January 7th I will get my new ears. 

Ten days after I get my new ears I will be heading into surgery for my liver resection.  My surgery has been scheduled for January 17th at 8 am.  I am to be there at 615.  PLEASE write it down on your calendar to remember to say a quick prayer for me.  I am looking forward to getting rid of this cancer, but not looking forward to surgery and healing....it is just a pain in the butt.  I am however VERY excited that I am done with my chemo for a little while.  I needed a break in a bad way.  It was wearing on me and this last round really hit me hard.  I spent an entire week in the same outfit laying in the same position on the same couch.  When I did decide I needed a shower and a change of clothes on the 4th day I hopped in the shower and the shear energy it took to wash my hair combined with the heat of the shower made me sick.  So sick I couldn't finish bathing and got out of the shower vomiting and sicker than a dog.  I then decided another day of filth would be ok.  I did however manage to shower finally, change clothes and was on the road to recovery.  My Christmas was wonderful and I felt 60% well....the only real pain was from the horrific mouth sores I got and am still dealing with.  It however does not stop me from eating (even with the pain)....so really it isn't that bad.  Although tonight I did not partake in the chips and salsa at the mexican restaurant due to the pain.  Life goes on and every day is a little better than the day before.  I am so glad I will get a break from the chemo and even the recovery from surgery will be a piece of cake (I hope).  I will have 6 more rounds of chemo after my surgery and was suppose to have an added chemo which I am considering not taking since there is no known benefit to taking it.  I am just tired of chemo.  For those that are on a maintenance chemo for life I feel your pain and struggle and pray for you!  It is something that I wish upon noone!

So...I'm on the road to recovery and feeling pretty good.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends that continue to support me with positive energy and amazing surprises that keep me going.  It just helps to know that I am thought of and loved and I couldn't be more blessed.  This cancer stuff has really opened my eyes and my heart and changed me forever.  I have another appointment this Friday with the surgeon.  I'm not expecting to find anything out I didn't already know, and consider it more of a "lets just meet one last time before I slice you open and work on your liver" kind of appointment.  If I find anything out I will inform.  Until then...not sure how much I will be writing, as I really would rather enjoy my semi good and good days with my daughter and husband and family and friends....Life is so great.  I am thankful I can keep a positive outlook on life amid all this crap.  Thank you for helping me do that! 

57 % ain't to shabby!

Yesterday deserved a blog post!  It was a great day with great news for me.  I went in to St. Lukes in the morning for an MRI of my abdomen and a CT scan of my chest.  I didn't expect to hear anything since I have an appointment to meet with my Oncologist this Friday (tomorrow).  My phone rang at 12:43 pm.  How do I know that?  That is the exact time I had a mini heart attack when I saw that my doctor was calling.  I love her, but I hate to get calls from her...I never know what she is going to tell me.  This time it was good news.  My tumor has shrunk 57% since starting this chemo regimen.  The amazing and miraculous thing is that this chemo is not meant to shrink the tumor but to just keep it from getting larger or growing.  It isn't unheard of to have a tumor shrink on this chemo, but it is not its initial purpose.  I prayed the entire time during my CT scan and MRI for miraculous healing, and I believe that my prayers were answered.  Even though there is still a tumor there, it has shrunk and it can be removed, and I consider that miraculous healing!  Thank you Lord! 
I will meet with my oncologist tomorrow and let you know what the plan is for surgery.  Monday is my last chemo before my liver resection surgery and I could not be more excited!  I am looking forward to 3 weeks off of chemo to enjoy the holidays.  The longer I am on this chemo the harder it is on me.  I am exhausted most of the day and occasionally nauseous mostly due to the horrific taste in my mouth....but I am really doing well!  Again...I couldn't do it without the love, support and prayers from everyone!  Love you all!!!!

We are in the process of house hunting and actually put in an offer on a house yesterday.  Prayers that we get it, so that we can finally get settled into a home we love.  Currently we are staying at my parents house.  For anyone needing an address for Christmas Cards you can email me jen_koppen@hotmail.com and I will gladly send it to you.  I am not on top of things and Christmas cards have been low on the priority for me...so expect our Christmas card around February when we hopefully are settled in to a new house with a new address! 

I dread the fact that my "good" week is almost over...but look forward to having a fun weekend!  I will write more after tomorrows appointment!  Enjoy the rest of your week! 

touch and go....

Yesterday was chemo treatment number 5. It was touch and go for awhile whether I would get it or not. My counts are not bad, but I have felt pretty crappy lately fighting off this nasty cold. I'm blaming it on spending Saturday at the Preschool Christmas party at our church with my preschool nephews and daughter. Surrounded by little people is a definite recipe for desaster later when your immune system is already compromised. Whether it was from my group, some kids there or somewhere totally different, this cold sucks...but the time I spent with them was so worth it. So...yesterday they weren't sure if I would get chemo or not. I want to stay on track desperately so that I have Christmas chemo free and get my surgery in January then back at killing cancer with more chemo for 6 more rounds. I also wanted a break from it. The thing about chemo is that it just wears on you. It beats you down so much. It down right stinks. My prayers tonight are for everyone fighting this battle and going through this war. You aren't alone. I'm there with you. I may make it look easy, but it is tough. I did get my chemo. I also got 10 days worth of antibiotics to help me fight whatever nasty cold bug I have. I am thankful I am on track and now 1 day down into my pump-wearing-days. I am so blessed with some amazing people in my life that they really do pull me through these days. My daughter's birth family sent me a lovely gift and note in the mail. My sister-in-law and her fiance' made an amazing dinner for us. My rock star friend Amanda always comes through on my Monday chemo days for me with a great treat! These little things are huge in my life. They really do show how much love I am surrounded by and how much the people in my life mean to me. Surrounding yourself with amazing people is where it is at folks! I mean it when I say I love my life. I love everything about it and I am really excited for what lies ahead!

What the....

What the heck is going on here? I am suppose to be feeling good today and I'm not. I feel lousy. I can't complain because this chemo regimen has been so much kinder to me than the last one...but I lack so much energy that it doesn't take much to make me feel sick. Today I'm dealing with mouth sores, horrific heartburn and sores in my nose. This doesn't seem horrible, but I am pretty miserable and on top of it all I am sick with a cold I can't seem to shake. I'm sure my levels are low. Today feels like the pits...but I'm putting on a smile and pushing through this day bound and determined to have a great day and smile through it. Today is my families Thanksgiving and I am so excited to spend the evening with everyone and of course eating! I can't believe that Thanksgiving has already come and I'm constantly being reminded daily that "Christmas is almost here mom!" by my daughter. She is so excited and that makes me so excited. I'm thrilled that my last visit with my doctor shed some light on what lies ahead...My Christmas will be chemo free and preping for my surgery. I'm so excited about that. I have 2 more treatments and then I will be having my "cut the cancer out of my liver" surgery or liver resection...whatever sounds better to you. I prefer the "cut the cancer out..." it makes me feel better. After my next chemo treatment I will have another CT Scan and MRI to restage my cancer and find out exactly where it is so the surgeon can map out his plan for surgery. CT scans scare me now. I dread them. You NEVER know what they are going to show and what news you are going to get. I'll never go into another CT scan with confidence again. I have however come to love surgeries...since they do save my life. This surgery will be welcomed! It is kind of horrible to walk around KNOWING you have cancer inside you. The scary thing to me is that cancer has a mind of its own. It can respond to treatment, or it can't. It can spread like wildfire or it can lay dormant. It can disappear or it can grow. And I don't know what my cancer does. It drives me crazy sometimes. Most of the time though I pray about it and know that I am in great hands. It is because I am a believer that I can get through my days with smiles and a happy heart and know that I am already healed. The only change that I will be making after my surgery is adding that additional chemo to my regimen. This is the chemo that can cause severe acne. I'm thrilled about it *sarcasm*...but whatever it takes I'm there. Overall I am doing well. Busy with moving since we sold our house and busy looking for a new place, and finding time to lay on the couch and recover in between. I have been doing well. I appologize for not writing more. I will try to do better. My hair is still hanging in there although thinning quite a bit and I really don't have much "juicy" news to report. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving because there is so much to be thankful for! Love you all!

In the midst...

I'm in the middle of my good week. It feels great. I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling pretty good, had a case of writters block (which I really haven't come out of, so this may be pretty boring), and to top things off we are throwing in a sale of our home, a move and a possible purchase of a new home...all in the next few weeks. Yeah...we like to keep things interesting. There is no time like now to do what you want! :) We have wanted to sell our home since we moved. It just never felt like home to us, and of course we fought so hard to keep it not a home since we dearly loved everything Jefferson City did for us. Our friends, Our home, Our jobs...OUR LIFE! But...we have come to accept that we are here for awhile and we need to find a "home" that we both enjoy... and we may have done that. :) Fingers and toes crossed and of course prayers that things go the way they are suppose to. Of course we know it is not our way...but God's way...and of course He sometimes has other plans for our life. He has made that quite clear to me. :) My counts have been great and this regimen of chemo is much kinder to me. There is a 20% chance that I will not loose all my hair but only have a thinning...and so far I may be headed down that road. I really didn't want to write about my hair loss because I fear that the minute I do, I've jinxed myself. I was never a superstitious person until I got cancer...now I have to think about every move I make. I won't be ringing the bell at the infusion center when I'm done with this round of 12 treatments to signify that I am done. I will also live the rest of my life with this port. There are just some things that I will do different. Did ringing the bell or taking out my port cause my cancer to come back? I'm a fairly smart person and logically I have to say NO they didn't...but then of course...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I LEFT THE PORT IN OR DIDN'T RING THE BELL. Now everything is a hesitation. I don't want to talk about my hair loss. I will tell you...I am blessed with a very thick head of hair. It is shedding like crazy...but I still have it. I'm hoping to hold on to it. You will know if I loose it. The End. Besides all the sleeping I do during my chemo week, I am actually getting by pretty well. My mom says I sleep for 50 minutes out of every hour and I amaze myself that I can do that all day long and then go to bed at 7 and sleep till 7 am. It is unbelievable how fatigued you are on chemo. My daughter told my husband one day when he came home from work when he asked her what she did all day and her response was "Mom slept on the fricken couch all day". I am thankful that she has my mom and dad to hang with her while I sleep. It makes her day much better and mine too. It is really good to be here and be so close to our family. I just couldn't get by without them. I have learned that I will not be taking that extra chemo. I was fairly certain that I should be getting it based on my results, hours of research on my part and the fact that I hadn't seen my doctor in the last 2 appointment and wasn't getting the extra chemo was driving me crazy. NOBODY was listening to me. NOBODY! Finally I was prepared to call my Dr up and find out on my own what the heck was going on. I was infact correct that I should be getting it...IF and ONLY IF the tumor on my liver needed to be shrunk or could not be removed. The tumor on my liver is small and can be removed, ultimately declaring me cancer free. The chemo I am taking now (4-6 rounds) prior to my surgery and the chemo after my surgery (6-8 rounds for a total of 12) is once again being used as a preventative chemo to keep this from reoccuring. I did discuss with my doctor that I would prefer to do the 6 treatments and then have surgery, so that I can go through the Christmas holiday off of chemo and have surgery around the second week of January. She wanted me to have my surgery after this next chemo treatment, which will be chemo number 4. I have an appointment this Friday to have labs drawn and meet with my doctor to discuss what the plan will be. I will keep you informed. I told you this would be a boring post. I don't really have any good juicy details to report. I have dealt with a few mouth sores and had some nose bleeds and sores in my nose, but besides that and all the sleeping, I have been able to keep from being too sick. It has been pretty nice. I didn't even cry last week during my chemo week, and that is a change. It was nice. I continue to have so much love and support around me and friends and family constantly holding me up and carrying me through this battle. I couldn't do it without you! Love you all!

My Sunday night cry...

I don't even feel like crying, I just want to stop the clock for awhile. I am definitely not ready for tomorrow. I have felt so good (minus the hike my mom made me do on Tuesday that left me physically disabled for 3 days). Did I just give away how out of shape I am???? I learned that you can't be sick and sleep all week long and then the next week run a marathon (or maybe just a giant hill!)... so...on my next good week, my daily walks will not include any mountains. It did feel good to get out in the cool air and walk with my parents...but next time I'm going to be a little kinder to myself. My goal was to walk every day on my good week. That didn't happen. I will work on that goal on my next good week! :) I have felt so good this week I just want to shout it and let everyone know. I do not feel like I have cancer. It really is so wierd. Sometimes I have to sit back and think...is this a bad dream? Then of course I have my stomach to look at and that is a quick reminder of what I have been through and how much further I still have to go. For those of you that have prayed for my friend. I have learned that prayers are powerful. Thank you. The news received was better than expected and my friend definitely has more hope. This week will be surgery for my friend. Please Please Please Please Please say a prayer for the doctors, nurses, staff, the family and my friend. Surgery is scary, and when you have cancer mixed in with it...it makes it even scarrier. You never know what you will find or what news you are going to hear. I love you friend. You will be ok, I promise! Praying for you daily and thinking of you all the time. I'm praying that my week ahead is better than my last bad week. I think my body is really starting to get use to this stuff (again) and it gets better as the time goes on. I'm not saying it is fun...just tolerable. I'm not as sick...maybe more tired and fatigued than anything...and oh...yeah...I have the hair loss to still look forward to. There is a slim slim slim chance I will only thin...but we all know that my luck ran out when I adopted that beautiful baby...so now I have a bald head to look forward to. OH LORD! Enjoy your week. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have been a huge support for me. Jan Glick, thank you for dinner. Meg, Donna, and Eileen we are so thankful for the meals you have provided. Mom...you are my everything...thank you for loving me enough to raise my daughter on my bad weeks for me when I am too tired and she could get away with anything. You have gone through this every step of the way with me and I can't love you or thank you enough. The gifts you have mailed to me are TOO much, but very much appreciated, and brighten my day! Amanda E., you are such a rock star. Your gifts before my chemo weeks make Monday's more tolerable. Cindy S., you are the only person I know that gives gifts to other people when it is YOUR birthday. Thank you for being my sunshine! You got me through and continue to get me through tough times. I love you guys so much. These are just a few of the people that have affected me this past week. I am so blessed. It definitely takes a village to raise a cancer survivor! Thank you!!!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow

My labs are great. This chemo is much kinder to me on my blood counts. So far I have not had to take the neulasta shots. I am so thankful for that. My appointment today went well. My port was accessed with no problem and my blood counts were good, which keep me on track with my chemo. If I can manage to stay on track I will be done with my 6 treatments right before Christmas and then have chemo free Christmas and New Years and sometime around the second week in January I will have my surgery. I think that is perfect timing. Although sometimes I stop and think that I am walking around with cancer in me...on my liver...and just want it OUT...I know that the "plan" for the chemo before surgery is a good one...and considering the cancer on my liver is small, I am ok. I did see another doctor today since my doctor has been out for the last 3 weeks. This new doctor was great. She walked in and was amazed I still had my hair. I just laughed. I'm serious...there is someone out there that really REALLY REALLY wants me to loose my hair. Well...they will get their wish. There is a slight chance I will only get a heavy thinning...like 10-20%, but knowing me...My luck and the way I tend to go through life...I will go bald. I'm ok with that. I mean... I have to be. I mean... I'm really NOT ok with it...but I dont' have a choice. My vote doesn't count. The hardest part is going to have to explain this to my daughter. Nobody should have to do that. I know my daughter...she will not take it well. So...I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with my hair. Enjoy your weekend!