4 weeks...

It's been 4 weeks since this has happened...it definitely has not sunk in yet. I have a wound on my abdomen that is healed. I have a wound on my chest that is healed. I have a wound in my heart that has not.

I have survived my first round of chemo. I think back to how I first even heard the word cancer during this entire experience.

It was the night I was in the ER. Around 2 am when the surgeon finally got to the hospital. (Sorry Dr. T. for not letting you get a full night of sleep!) He mentioned the "C" word to me before surgery. I remember he told me that this obstruction could be one of 3 things: cancer, crohns disease, or ulcerative colitis. I remember saying to Andrew, "I hope it is cancer, so they can cut it out and I would be done with it...and not have to live my whole life in pain or dealing with the other two." I think at the time I was more concerned with the fact that I was going to have to wake up with a colostomy bag. Little did I know that the colostomy bag would be just a smidgeon of what I was going to have to deal with. Little did I know, that it WAS cancer and that it was going to be a little bit of a fight till I was back on my feet and feeling normal again. (By the way, I am back on my feet, just not back to the normal part yet!)

So...After the surgery I remember hearing about a "mass", but that it looked "different" and nobody really said anything about cancer. That is, until I got a phone call on the 3rd day. My family doctor, Dr. L, (remember, she is no longer employed by me) called me on the phone and her exact words were, "Jen, I wanted to be the first to let you know that the results of your mass came back, and it is Cancer." How nice of her, huh?! To tell me this great news. To tell it to me...OVER THE PHONE! It wasn't long after I got that call, that my wonderful surgeon walked in the room to tell me the news (in a much more professional and compassionate manner), and was shocked to find out I had already heard it.

So, here I sit, 4 weeks later, still trying to comprehend what was told to me over the phone that day. Still trying to make sense of all this. Still wondering "WHY" and hoping I can just wake up and it has all been a dream. I really want my life back to the way it was. I really want to be me again. I know I can get through my chemo. I know it won't be easy. I know I will be so proud of myself in the end. I know that after my second surgery, things will start to look up for me. It is just a matter of getting there. This is going to be one tough journey. Ths has already been one tough journey. This is going to define me. I will be stronger for this. I will be a better wife for this. I will be a better mom for this. I will be a better daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, nurse, friend, neighbor...YOU NAME IT! I can't wait for the time I get to write: So, here I sit, 1 year later...LIFE IS GREAT!

Today was a good day...tomorrow will be even better!