tomorrow will be even better: June 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Made for who???

A few posts back I talked about two funny stories from my first surgery that about split my gut right back open! I mentioned there was a third...
The THIRD:
I was home from the hospital, feeling kinda crappy...I mean...you've seen the pictures...it doesn't feel that great. I think I had only been home a day or two. We were sitting in the living room one evening, my mom, dad, brother and husband. I noticed my dad's pants looked a little different. Not bad...just different. So I asked him..."Dad, are those new pants". He asked "Yes, do you like them"...and then my brother and mom started giggling....I knew something was up from the look on their faces.
They preceded to tell me that my dad had found the pants on FREECYCLE.COM (a website where you get free stuff). He had arranged with the "seller" or "giver" where to go pick them up. After getting directions, he sent my brother on his way to go get them.
My brother proceeded to tell me, that when he pulled up to the house (located in the ghetto in KC) the pants where hanging from a tree in a grocery sack. My brother (although he thought this was the stupidest thing EVER), ran over...grabbed the bag and scurried back to the car before he got shot... (just kidding)...but seriously...it probably kind of looked like an amateur drug deal (gone terribly wrong..I mean, who would hang the goods in a grocery sack, in a tree, in FRONT of the house)...
When he got home, he gave the bag to my dad who opened it up and found his lovely pants in there...the free ones!!! I mean... don't they say that "nothing worth having in life is free"...or something like that?
Now most of this story I heard while I was still recovering from anesthesia and still in pain, and also...probably imagined how some of the story went down...I wasn't there you know.
So...to make a long story short...after my dad informed me that he got his jeans off of freecycle.com and that he really like the way they fit and that he couldn't imagine someone giving away those perfectly good pants for free...my brother proceeded to tell me that not only did those pants come from a bag, hanging in a tree, in front of a house...IN THE GHETTO...but...BUT, they were FUBU jeans! You know...jeans made "For Us, By Us"...and by us, I don't mean 60 year old white men!
I'm telling you...when I found out my dad was wearing FUBU jeans... I just about split my seam! We laughed so hard at that! By the way... I love my dad dearly, but he really is a dork sometimes!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

cheers to my semi colon...

I figured you were tired of seeing pictures of this nasty belly:

I mean...how many times can one post a picture of their chopped up, disected, bubbly belly? By the way...did you notice...staples out...steri strips off!!! Ok...so....I figured it was time for a little change of scenery on here!

I went out on a date tonight with my husband! We did date things...ate dinner, had drinks, went shopping, and of course...got a tattoo!

Didn't you know...all the cool kids are sporting semi colons! This is the coolest semi colon I have ever seen, as far as semi colons go! So...to respresent my colon I present you with:

Friday, June 24, 2011

a sense of normalcy...

Although I have loved spending time with my family (particularly my mom) and enjoyed having them take care of me and my family...it is time! Time to return to some sense of normalcy. Believe me...having cancer is NOT normal, and I will never get use to fighting this battle...but things today have returned to some sense of normalcy. My mom left yesterday and we are now alone...we are now settling into our roles again. This has been a long road, which started in January. It seems like just yesterday, and then again it seems like years. I am not over this fight and in a sense, I am gathering my second wind for what is to come. I am more than happy to return to the way things were...

Today I drove for the first time and took my daughter to daycare by myself...for the first time since my surgery. It felt good.

I am looking forward to spending this weekend enjoying my family and savoring each second of each minute of each day. I soak up the hugs and kisses I get from my baby girl and my husband. I am blessed. I love my life.

I love my life...isn't that weird? Is that weird that today...almost 5 months later, after having gone through 2 surgeries and chemo and STILL having cancer...I love my life? I am happy. I am blessed. I am loved. I am a fighter!

Monday I look forward to finding out the exact dates for my appointments in Houston, TX and going to M.D. Anderson for a second opinion. I am bringing in the big dogs! That's how I roll! :)

Enjoy your weekend and your normal, boring routines...they really are wonderful! I always hated that saying..."you don't know what you have till you loose it"...but it couldn't be farther from the truth!

~I smiled today...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

staple remover...

Round 2 of staple removing...ding ding ding...the bell sounds...and we're off! I mean they are off...of my body that is! Thank you to Dr. T's nurse Brian...he again did a wonderful job of removing my staples and sutures and taking care of me! The trip to get them out today was definitely a memorable one...I took along my mom and nephew that have been visiting(forgot my camera...and dang I wish I hadn't!).

We waited in the waiting room till I was called back, they were going to stay till Brian invited them back...WRONG THING TO DO!!! Jacob, my 9 year old nephew, followed my mom and I back to the room where they nestled in chairs as I was up on the patient seat about to expose my not so georgous belly laced with 500+ staples (ok, not really that many, but there were a bunch). Jacob tried to keep himself busy with the Nintendo DS he brought with him. Somewhere along the road he must have peeked a time or two as I was getting them removed...and that did it for him! He politely asked my mom to use the restroom, where he proceeded to loose his breakfast while hugging the toilet! Poor little guy! I continued to get my staples out while listening to the sounds of poor little Jacob vomitting! I think it was just a little too much for him! Definitely made an impression...they won't forget me at that office! :)

So...I'm done! No more staples, no more drains, no more tubes, NO MORE SURGERIES!!! (let's hope!!!) It has been a ride...and one I won't forget...and also one I could have done without! Now on to the next leg in our journey...M.D.Anderson!

I recieved a call yesterday, confirming the fact that I sent everything and they are just waiting on a release from my surgeon saying I am ok to travel. The tenative appointment dates are set for July 11-13. This pushed my time off work back a week, but this is something I definitely HAVE to do! I want the second opinion...I want to get on something that is going to kick this cancers arse once and for all!!! Let's do this!!!

I have to say...this surgery was a lot tougher on me than the last. It took me longer to recoup and maybe I am just being extra careful, but I am giving myself enough time to get back to normal...and I am getting there! I am so blessed to have a wonderful support system and family that has been there since they first got the phone call in the middle of the night that I was headed into surgery on January 23rd (a day I will NEVER forget). My mom has stuck by my side and spent hours, days and weeks taking care of me (and my family!). Thanks mom! You are the very best. I'm sorry it took getting cancer to realize how very blessed I am and what an amazing family I really do have!

Today has been a great day...I look forward to what tomorrow brings!

~I smiled today (and laughed a little), when Jacob vomitted from watching me get my staples out! OMG! HILLARIOUS!

~I smiled today because I was released to go swimming (after the steri strips fall off)...having a pool just calling my name in the back yard has been a little tourtourous!!!

~I smiled today because my surgeon asked if I was going to be wearing a one piece or 2 piece swim suit (because he was concerned about me covering my scar to prevent sun exposure, aka: SKIN CANCER)... A 2 piece...really...hasn't he seen that georgous belly of mine! :)

~I smiled today because I had a great time hanging out with my mom and nephew!

~I smiled today because things at my house are now getting back to normal...and it feels great!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

a hug...

While I was in my home town recouping with my family around me, my spirits were lifted. I got a few good cries in, and picked myself up and have carried on, I mean...what else can you do? Before we headed back to my house 3 hours away, I wanted to stop in and visit with the one person who has given me words to cling to, prayers for strength and health, and of all things, love and understanding. Cindy!

Cindy was the office manager when I worked as a dental assistant in my past life! :) Before I grew up! Before I had responsibilities. Before I had a baby! Before I had Cancer! I was never close to Cindy...until now!

She has gone through a very similar operation, lived with the same bag (UGH), and had the understanding and wisdom to pass on to me the words that get me by each day!!!

"Tomorrow will be better than today"...and I need that to turn to some days. I have my faith and thank God that I have the strength, courage and understanding that with His help, I will beat this crappola and carry on. I will be stronger for it. I will be kinder for it. I will be the person I really want to be, because of cancer. But...the words...they get me through the tired, the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the depression! And...tomorrow is ALWAYS better!

Cindy, Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the HUG! Thank you for understanding. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for the good thoughts and energy! Thank you for the encouragement! Thank you for the words...because without them, I'm not sure how I would mentally get through the tough days (and there have been some really tough days!). Thank you for your friendship and love! I am so blessed to have someone so special in my life.

I smiled today because I am home with my husband and daughter...

I smiled today because my mom and nephew are here visiting/helping me and we will have a great time!

I smiled today because I actually get to use the toilet now!!!

I smiled today because life is wonderful, and each day is precious, and tomorrow will be better!!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

a much better place...

12 days post op...a much better place to be! I am actually starting to feel more human and get around pretty well. I don't sleep well and still can not lift ANYTHING over about 5 lbs, but life is good and things are going great.

I focus on the best of the day and don't dwell on the worst.

I hate having to have someone help me with my child, but because of it, she has had a blast. All this attention has turned to her and she is loving it. Last Friday we decided to hitch a ride for a change of scenery and head to my parents house for the weekend. It was a great chance for us to get away, a little easier on them so that they could be at home and get stuff done they needed too, and it has given Charly the best summer vacation ever!!! I have 12 nephews and she has had a great time with the "boys", her uncle James and her grandparents, who have all doted on her! I have also had a much better time recouping and have enjoyed the time with my family. Andrew has also been given some time to get stuff done around the house and forget for a little while that I am useless to him.

I am getting around better, my spirits are up, and I actually look like me! Three days after I was home from the hospital, my brother James came to help us out, and I found out yesterday that when he saw me he didn't recognize me...that is how bad I felt and looked. Of course nobody should go for about 7-10 days without eating, as it DOES take a toll on you! :)

So...enjoy your day, because I will!

Today was a great day...and every day after gets easier and better!

p.s. when I hear from M.D. Anderson I will be sure to update with details!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

drain drain go away....

...and just like that it is gone!

Ok, it wasn't "just like that". Having a JP drain pulled from your abdominal cavity is no walk in the park...and if I never have to do it again, it will be too soon!

I would have to say...there isn't much fun in having a surgery...let alone a major surgery that guts you like a deer, but the drain is by far one of the worst parts of the entire process. I mean...they put you to sleep for all the horrible stuff, so you wake up and don't have to experience the cutting, gutting, sewing, tube shoving down your nose, suturing up...blah blah blah! Then you are well on your way to recovery, and whamo...WHAMO...the drain has to be removed. Now, I thought about it long and hard. Last time...the drain was removed in the hospital before I came home. I had never experience having a drain yanked from my pelvis before, so I didn't know what to expect...this time...well...this time was different. I woke up with the drain and immediately thought...SHIT, and have dreaded having it removed since I woke up! Then I left the hospital with the drain (this was new to me). During the last 2-3 days I imagined that getting the drain pulled wouldn't be as bad as last time, I mean...maybe it had kinda "toughened up" being in there a little longer. I even actually considered removing the drain myself...I decided against it though. So, today...at 11:00 am, I hobbled into Dr. T's office to have the drain removed. And, just like last time...It KILLED like a Son of a B! It felt like the drain was a mile long, as big around as a coke can, and when she pulled it out it felt like the end of it was somewhere buried deep inside my gut. I am DONE! I have had enough cutting, pulling, tugging, suturing, stapling, and drains sticking out of me to last me the rest of my life. PHEW. At least it is over!

So...on a good note...I did manage to make 2 appointments today. One to get my million staples removed and the other a follow up with my oncologist. I also got all my records since this horrible journey to send to M.D. Anderson, which will be faxed tomorrow in order to set up my appointment. I am not looking forward to having to go to a hospital so people can prod, poke, scan, evaluate, test, (etc) me and talk about the cancer I have...but I am excited to go to the best and find an end in site, plus making it into some sort of a vacation will at least make it tolerable.

Life is so precious. Life is so fun. Life is great. Cancer isn't going to ruin it for me!

~I smiled today when the drain was FINALLY out!
~I smiled today because I got out of the house for a little while and got to see some friends!
~I smiled today when I shared an ice cream with my baby girl!

Today was a great day (I just knew it would be) and tomorrow will be even better!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A week ago today...

A week ago today... is this deja vu? I've had a post already titled this.

A week ago today I had surgery. I am thankful that I was able to get my bag removed! I was thankful that I have an amazing surgeon that put me back together in one piece (Thanks Dr. T!!!), even though I wouldn't have given him any other choice! I am thankful to be out of the hospital now and recovering.

I went home this time with a drain. Again...I am a nurse, and I don't mind seeing staples and sutures and blood and goo and tubes and fluids and stuff...as long as they are on someone else! I CAN'T stand the fact that I have staples in my stomach and a drain STICKING OUT OF MY GUT! It almost makes me nauseous. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could make it through that surgery (yes, I really am a baby), and then I think, what crazy effin person would do TWO of those surgeries!!! All I know...whatever wrong I have done in my life...I have been punished ENOUGH! Now I'm sure the rest of my life should or could be smooth sailing!

Doesn't work like that though...

Things are tough, but I am moving forward and looking forward to a life filled without poop bags, and CHEMO FREE!!!! Remember... I have a 2 year old to chase around!

I am in the process of gathering together my medical information/papers/tests/scans/notes, etc to forward to M.D. Anderson in Houston, TX for a second opinion/treatment options. I'm really wanting to get this shit out of my body for good, and to do that...I'm bringing in the big dogs! (Even though I'm pretty sure Dr. T has already taken care of my cancer for me by removing it!)

remembering....

walking the halls...

oxygen...

NG tube

I'd like to forget!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Day 4 post op~

The big reveal...

Pretty aint it?

It is now day 4 post op...yesterday was a rough one. I got all kinds of bad news and besides dealing with day 3 post op pain, i started my period, so the tears were flowing NON STOP! Such is my luck!!!

I haven't counted my staples, but I know there are a bunch, too many for my stomach! I try to keep my binder on, which helps, but my stomach is so sore and swollen it just makes me miserable. Getting in and out of bed is a hassle...but one that I do often, now that I am not hooked up to the catheter. It was touch an go for awhile, as my bladder was not wanting to cooperate with me, but I think all is well there. Now If I could just talk my bowels into moving sometime soon, I would have peace of mind and get to go home! :) A little fart... A little turd...SOMETHING!

I have tried to walk as much as I can today...I think I have done about 8 laps, and it is only 3:15. I am so blessed that my parents and husband have been swapping shifts to be with me. It comforts me to know they are here. I hate the hospital! I am miserable....I just want to get home to my family, where I can rest and relax in comfort!

Today I was lucky enough to get a visit from Charly!!!! That always makes my day:

I have received flowers from so many friends and family members!!! A big shout out to Jim and Mary Thomas, Aundria Ashkar and family, Chris Finan, Andrew Koppen, Cliff and Patti Johnson, Josh and Amber Johnson and Family, Rebecca Barnes and family, CMS regional office! The flowers are beautiful!!! They make my room so warm and inviting! I can't thank you all enough for the cards, thoughts, flowers, gifts and love you have shown me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

The bad news I got yesterday I will have to go into more detail when I find out more, but when Dr. T did the surgery, he was only able to find 2 lymph nodes in the area to be evaluated. One of the lymph nodes was enlarged (bad sign #1). So, yesterday Dr. R (my oncologist) passed on the pathology report that in fact that one lymph node did have tumor cell involvement. This is not good. I have to go on chemo again because of this. What time and how long will be determined soon. Dr. R has consulted with a specialist from Mayo and Northwestern. We may go for a second opinion at MD Anderson for peace of mind...we'll see. Right now I am just trying to heal and take my time.

Thank you again.

Today I smiled when I got a visit from my daughter!

Today I smiled when I saw all the flowers I have received! I am loved.

Today I smiled that I might be able to go home tomorrow! Praise the LORD!!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

EPIDURAL!!!

I am out of surgery! So far it hasn't been too bad. I mean..I'm hungry (since I haven't eaten since Sunday at 6 p.m), I am still not able to drink anything...but once again I am sneaking ice chips (I know I'm a rebel), I'm stuck in this hospital bed at the moment with legs that feel like they weigh 1000 lbs..I'm a little cranky! So...I'm still dozing in and out, but wanted to post the pictures after my surgery!!! I have not seen my incision yet...but when I do...don't worry, I'll fulfill your wish to see it! :) By the way...NO BAG!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

CLEAN AS A WHISTLE....

The end of this long road is in sight. Tomorrow morning I will go into surgery at 7:30 am. This will be about a 6 hour surgery...so anytime between 6:15 (when I get to the hospital) and 1:30pm (when I will be getting out) would be the perfect time for you to say a prayer for me. I have been overwhelmed by the love, support and prayers that are pouring out for ME! I can't thank everyone enough!!!

So....today was a first for me! My first of many (I'm sure) colonoscopies!!! The prep was a little difficult considering I had an open faucet running into a very confined space, very quickly...but I got the hang of it pretty fast.

This morning I was just ready to get this part of the journey over with. If you haven't had a colonoscopy before, let me tell you...EASY PEASY!!!! The prep really is the hardest part.

The only inconvenience of the day was that my dang stoma was too small (even for a pediatric scope) and Dr. T had to slice it open...NO FUN! But, it's over, it's behind me, and tomorrow I will get my body back to itself!

Results of the Colonoscopy: CLEAR!!! CLEAN AS A WHISTLE...NOT A SINGLE POLYP TO BE FOUND! PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Keep up those prayers for me...I'm hoping by the time I am home from the hospital I will know that my lymph nodes are clear and there isn't a TRACE of cancer in my body! (I know you aren't technically cancer free until you have been for 5 years, but I WILL CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE CANCER FREE!!!)

Thank you again and stay tuned for the big reveal! :)

Today was a good day (even having to get a colonoscopy), but tomorrow will be so much better!!! (FINALLY THE BAG WILL BE GONE!!!)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The second funny...

If you thought the story of Andrew's explosive diarrhea was funny, or as he would put it, his colon cancer diagnosis, wait till you hear this one...

I can really recall three times that I laughed so hard it hurt while I was recovering. I'm not talking a little ouchie...A BIG OUCHIE!!! The first was the day Andrew (we'll just say his name for fun) and I found out we had colon cancer, and the second was the day I was showing James my incision and accidentally gave him a free peep show! The third is for another post!

James is my brother, for anyone that doesn't know. He is 30, and that means he is a grown man, and the bottom line here is that he should not get free peep shows from his sister.

This is the story of the crotch shot...

We were sitting in the living room...James on the couch, Andrew on the love seat and I was in the recliner (since the couch is off limits to me for the first week with how difficult it is to stand up out of it without an enormous amount of help). My parents had left to go home, so I'm thinking it was early in about week 2...they needed a break to go home and gather more clothes and take care of business, leaving James to help us out around the house. So...I'm not sure what the conversation was about, but I recall James wanting to get a good look at my incision and my ostomy. This is my brother who is a trained EMS worker, but will get queasy when he sees something semi bloody/gross. He's a deal, but I love him just the same. SO...I remember standing up from the recliner (which at that time was a huge accomplishment for me), and I also remember being pretty proud of my battle scar...as it is the largest scar I have ever seen on my body! So I went over to the edge of the couch where he was leaning forward to get a good look at my battle scars under the lamp light! As I pulled down my pants to show him, he had a look of sheer terror in his eyes, that was magnified by the lamp light. That is right. The one and ONLY day I decided not to wear underwear because it was rubbing on my incision and hurting, is the day my brother wanted a good look at my wounds....

You guessed it folks...he got the lovely crotch shot not 2 inches from his face! NOT COOL! He screamed, Andrew yelled for me to pull my pants back up and I couldn't stop laughing and CRYING!!! My poor brother got an eye full!

This next time around I will not go without undies! I have learned my lesson.

By the way folks...a week from today I will be under the knife again, which means weeks of healing for me, and a few blog posts with some great pictures! Stay tuned...

tomorrow will be even better