Hard days....

I thought I would be done writing on here. I thought my "cancer days" were over. Today was a rough day. I guess I expected tough days to be over with once my chemo was done. I am having a hard time adjusting to life after chemo. Does that make sense? Because it really doesn't make sense to me. That is probably why I am having a hard time. My life is very different and more than that...my body is completely different. I think adjusting to my new body is hard enough...and on top of that I have to figure out now what I am going to do with my life...my new life!

I went on a walk today. I should really say I tried to go on a walk today. After a year of doing nothing...walking was hard for me. I cried. I cried because I could barely walk, I cried because my body feels like it has been destroyed, and I cried because I have a long hard road ahead of me still to get back to something I can be happy with. I guess I should be proud of my body for getting me through this year...for putting up with so much, for fighting the battle for me...I should be proud, but instead I am having a hard time accepting it. I wanted to be done with it all and back to the way I was when I started...NORMAL. My body, my mind...me...I am far from my old self. It makes me sad. I didn't have a choice becoming this new me...it was just handed to me...unfairly. This will take some time.

Tough day for me...with a bit of good news though! I was approached at MD Anderson to be a part of a colon cancer research program, which I accepted to be a part of. The study is about post chemo exercise in colon cancer patients. One group gets a new smart phone with an exercise app on it and the other does not. The research is to see if the group with the smart phone sticks with the exersize over the group without it. I WAS CHOSEN TO BE IN THE GROUP WITH THE PHONE! Which means I will get a new phone. I needed one. I am excited!

Today may have been tough, but tomorrow will be better! :)

I'm a runner

I cannot describe how it feels to one day know you have been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and then almost 11 months later to find out you are cancer free. Almost like the feeling you get when you loose your stomach on a roller coaster. When you get off the roller coaster and even though most of the ride you were scared and screaming, you got off and realized that it was worth it in the end, because it was fun. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing fun about having cancer, but in the end...it was all worth it. The surgeries, the doctors, the injections, the pump, the colostomy, the sickness, the fatigue, the rashes, the mouth sores, the neuropathy...man...all that sounds horrible, doesn't it...but then in the end...you are cancer free. CANCER FREE! I really did it. It was worth it. I feel like I just crossed the finish line of a marathon. I imagine running a marathon, half way through I would feel like it was never going to be over...and then it is...and you feel great. I feel great!

I have to be honest though...I couldn't have run this race without my support team. Without my friends. Without the encouragement. The letters, emails, texts, fb messages, gifts, prayers...and love. I have never felt so loved and cared for before...it felt good, and I can't wait to extend that to someone else going through some horribly tough times, and I hope you all keep up your job and show someone else that needs it, what you showed me. Congratulations to you...for helping me fight this battle. We did make a great team!

I started this journey scared to death...and that even got worse when I found out I was stage 3. People die of cancer, and stage 3 sounded awful to me. I was young...I had a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter...I thought I would have to fight it for a very long time. I thought it would be tricky and difficult to get rid of. I had my doubts, but with all the support I had, and staying positive and pushing forward...I did it. WE did it!

Dr. Kee at M.D. Anderson (probably one of the best colon cancer specialists IN THE WORLD) told me that most people don't finish the chemo...that most of them only get through 8 treatments, and I did it. I got all 12 in. He also told me that it was gone...completely. My scans, my labs...it all revealed NOTHING! He did not see a need for another surgery...thank GOD! He also felt that I did not need to return to Texas to see him and that my doctor in KC would follow me and report to him. He told me what my follow ups would consist of. My doctor in KC wanted to do CT scans every 3 months, and Dr. Kee felt that doing that was a little over board and that I could do every 6 months for the first 2 years then once a year till I hit my 5 year mark and then no need for a CT scan. I loved that. They are doing more genetic testing on my tumor to determine if I have "lynch syndrome" (you can google if you want). If I do happen to have it, which he feels I do not, then I will proceed with a hysterectomy, given my chances of having another cancer are increased with lynch syndrome. If there is no diagnosis of lynch syndrome, no further surgeries are necessary. I will know more in about 2-3 weeks. I have never been so impressed with the care and treatment I recieved there. I highly recommend M.D. Anderson to anyone diagnosed with cancer. It isn't cheap to make it there and pay for your trip, but it is your life we're talking about, and there is no price tag on that... it is worth it...you are worth it. I was worth it!

I walked out of Dr. Kee's office and cried. I cried tears of joy for the first time in a long time. I cried because I no longer fear missing out on life. I choose to live. I can't wait to make New Year's resolutions this year...to better myself...to move forward and enjoy every day. To find something in every day that makes life worth living and makes my heart throb with love and joy and happiness. This is it... a new blog is in the making...no more cancer means no more cancer blog. On to happier things. Things that will make us all smile and not sad. Prayers of rejoice and thanksgiving...not prayers for hope and healing...! God has answered my prayers, your prayers...and I will praise Him.

Love you!

tomorrow WILL be even better...

Boy have I learned a lesson today...

I'm sure you could tell from my last entry that I was feeling a little "down". What is wrong with me? I have nothing to be "down" about. I have an amazing support system, people that love me, the most beautiful crazy little girl that I get to call my daughter, a warm home, clothes (even if they are a little snug), food to eat (plenty...if you saw me, you wouldn't doubt this), and lots of love, smiles, happiness, fun and entertainment every day of my life. To top it all off...I love God and he loves me, and what more could you ask for? He has blessed me beyond belief. Sure, I've had a rough year...who hasn't. I'm still here...and I still wake up every morning to the same two people that I can't live without...and I still wear a smile and my heart still loves...and life really is good.

Today, put it all in perspective for me.

I went out to the mailbox, where I found 2 Christmas cards. One was particularly special. It was from a family in Jefferson City that Andrew worked with. Inside the card was a note along with a rather large check made out to Andrew. What a surprise. We all open cards and hope for money...well, today was our day!

The note inside read:

Andy and Family,
Every family hits tough times, and I know this is one for yours.

As a family, we lost our father to cancer. I have six brothers and sisters. Each Christmas we pool our money and give it to a family who is groing through trying times. We feel it's better than exchanging gifts among ourselves. Money can not replace ones health, but maybe it will help take a little pressure off the expenses that you and your family are going through at these trying times.

Merry Christmas and may God bless you all.
Signed with 9 names!

Not only did that money come at a great time for us...but it has taught me so much.

1. I will help a family out each year and pass this on. Even if I can't get my entire family or Andrew's to do this...our family will do this.

2. There are so many good people in this world, and my family has been fortunate to hit the mother load when we moved to Jefferson City! (Now do you see why I want to move back so bad!)

3. When you think the world is against you, or you are feeling sad...remember..."tomorrow will be even better".

4. I am loved.



Today while I was at the bank picking up my debit card (yep, the one I lost 2 times), the lady in front of me broke out into sobs. I touched her shoulder and told her..."tomorrow will be better". I don't know what her story is...we all have one, but I know how sad she was and could see it in her eyes. My heart hurt for her, and I didn't even know her. I didn't know what she was crying for, but I know it made her sad. I've been sad this year...I've cried alot, but I have also learned some very valuable lessons that will stay with me forever. I've also been fortunate enough to have met people that have touched me and told me "tomorrow will be even better". I love you guys!!!!

and just because I love looking at this...I'll share it with you.

Postpartum...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted. Time goes by so fast. The other day I was writing down the date and started to put November! Don't get me wrong...I am thrilled that 2011 is coming to a close, but then again I am quite scared of a new year, and what it will bring. One thing I learned from 2011, is that you never know what will happen...stuff happens...and you keep on going!

I have been sad. Things are not right with me. I feel like I am going through a bit of postpartum depression. Is that possible? I have never been a "depressed" person, but I just don't feel right. I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer, they offered me some anti-depressants...I refused them. I am a strong person. I got through it right? I even managed to smile through most of it... Now...it seems like I am a bit lost. My life is not the same. Things don't feel right. It will take me some time.

I spent almost an entire year being "sick", knowing I had cancer, trying to fight it, just taking it day by day and missing out on so much. Now, I want to be busy, I want to do things, I want to go places, see stuff, do stuff, not miss out. I am wearing myself out. I can't help it. I don't realize how much I am trying to do, until it hits me like a ton of bricks, and I break down and sob uncontrollably. I am lost.

If you ask me something or tell me something, don't expect for me to remember, or even comprehend sometimes. If you give me something...I will loose it. If I don't write it down, forget it! I do have a horrible case of Chemo Brain! I am serious here. I have never been a forgetful person...I am surprised I remember my own name, and I am completely serious! I still have some lingering effects from the chemo...one, happens to be this stinking chemo brain. I thought it was the fact that I was overwhelming myself with things to do, and keeping busy....IT IS NOT! I have managed to loose 2 debit cards, a necklace (that I got as a gift for my last chemo day!!), money, my drivers license...I have run multiple red lights, run into my garage door because I didn't push the button to open it (thankfully NO DAMAGE), and a grocery list of more examples...It frustrates me, which adds to my sadness.

My body has been destroyed...well, altered may be a better word. It is not the same. My stomach is a hideous sight...and causes pain most of my days (which I never complain about), my clothes don't fit like they did...thank you steroids...and I have not been motivated enough to get my arse in gear to loose this unwanted weight. I am over 30 lbs heavier than I was when I first went into this life altering journey...I am sad.

I cry sometimes because I miss my old life, and I simle sometimes because I imagine my new life...

Life sure is funny! I keep taking it one day at a time. This journey isn't over...yet.

I leave next week for Houston, TX. M.D. Anderson...

I am looking forward to warmer weather....
I am dreading the poking, proding, and other things...
I am praying I am cancer free...I need some good news!

I love it!

All of my tomorrows have been good. I am so thankful that my chemo is done. Although I continue to have this horrible thought floating around my head that I will have to go back on chemo...I have more good thoughts that drown that thought out. I am good. I feel good. I am happy.

I spent the last 3 days in Jefferson City, working. I loved it. I was busy. I felt productive. I was surrounded by people I love. I got to see some great friends and spend time with them. I miss it.

I'm back home. Going to lunch with an old friend. Spending my days cleaning, painting, unpacking, sorting, organizing, and of course...relaxing. All the things I never got to do. And to top it all off...I am not sick or tired. I love it.

December 1st. My year has gone by so fast. I have missed out on lots and soak everything in now. I want to be busy. I want to do things. Enjoy things. Experience it all. I enjoy it.

My life today is so different than my life last December! I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary...what a year it has been!

Thankful!

I am allowed to have difficult days. I am human. But that doesn't mean I am not thankful for this past year! Crazy as it may sound... and as much as I say how hard 2011 was for me and how I wouldn't relive it....I am thankful for it. I am thankful I survived it...and much more!

I went to church today. It felt good. I have not been in a long while...mostly because I haven't felt well enough or had the energy to get myself ready and go...today i felt great and I went. It was about being thankful...for everything. As hard of a year as I had...I have been thankful through it all. I have never once been angry at God for what has happened to me...and I have continued to thank him through it all.

The things I am thankful for...that you might not have known:

1. I am thankful I didn't poop for 12 days and had to have surgery...Why??? Because they found my cancer!

2. I am thankful that I got a poop bag that was attached to me for months! Why??? Because it humbled me...and gave me an appreciation and empathy for those that have one.

3. I am thankful I started chemo, despite the fact that initially my doctor gave me an "out"! Why??? Because after my first surgery when everyone (including me) thought my cancer was gone...it was still there!

4. I am thankful I had my second surgery! Why??? Not only did I get rid of my bag, but they found a lymph node that still had cancer!

5. I am thankful that I have experienced all these side effects from chemo! WHY???? Good question...but it really has softened my heart, especially to those going through chemo.

6. I am thankful that I was put on steroids! Why??? Not only did I have a reason to eat whatever I wanted :) but it also made my chemo bearable!

7. I am thankful that every other week I had to spend the majority of a day at the cancer center! WHY??? Because I got to spend some quality time with my mom and know how much she really loves me! (I knew already, but this truly was an amazing amount of love she showed me!)

8. I am thankful that we moved! WHY??? As much as I want to move back and love my friends and neighbors back in Jefferson City... My daughter now gets to be close to her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and I have an amazing doctor here!!!! This has made it all worth the move!

9. I am thankful that my body is now scared up and frankly...pretty nasty looking! Why??? Because despite it all...and how horrible I look, my husband still loves me, and shows it every day!

10. I am thankful everyday for 2011!

And then of course things I am thankful for that you probably already know:

1. MY FAMILY

2. MY FRIENDS

3. MY DOCTORS

4. MY LIFE

5. GOOD DAYS

6. REST

7. BEING DONE!!!!!

8. 2012


Today was a great day! (and I am thankful for that!) Tomorrow will be even better.

This is life...and it is hard!

I had a difficult day. I drove home from Jefferson City after spending 2 days there working and being surrounded by the people that I have come to love over the past 7 years. I was upset. My life was great. I loved my job. I loved my friends. I loved my neighbors. Damn you cancer!

So on my way home I was flipping through the radio and heard this Martina McBride song...about cancer. It made me cry. I heard it on the radio twice on the way home. Both times...I cried. People driving by must have had a great show. I was a blubbering idiot. Crying...Talking out loud. You know...not a pretty sight. I needed it though. I needed to hear that song. I needed to cry. I needed to purge. I did. It felt good. I hope I don't hear that song again.

I thought about so much on my way home. How I can't help but think my life will be shortened. How I miss my old life. How scared I truly am, and never admit it. How I needed to cry. How I have been making it by faking it. How much I have neglected my husband, my daughter, my home, myself. How I really have had an incredibly hard year...and it isn't over yet. As much as I don't want to admit it, my biggest fear at this moment is my upcoming trip to MD Anderson. Deep down I really think things are fine and I have this whole cancer thing in the bag...never to resurface...but I also thought that before. But...and there really is a BUT....what if my scans don't come back clear? What if my labs are abnormal? What if there is another surgery in my future? What if I have to go back on chemo? I am terrified. I don't think I could take the bad news. I am emotionally drained. I have had it. So...if you are reading this...please say a prayer for me...pray that I am healed. pray that I get some peace. pray that this cancer has been evicted. I need it. I need it to be over. I need to start 2012 on a good note and take 2011 as a lesson learned, because boy did I learn some lessons. This is life...and it is hard.

I definitely don't want to be a cry baby, and I feel that I have been very stoic throughout my fight with cancer. I have kept my crying to a minimum and I have tried not to feel sorry for myself. Being surrounded by people with cancer really puts things in perspective. I look good on the outside, but I feel awful on the inside. I should be blessed that I am so "healthy" and doing well. I should be happy I am not dying anytime soon (at least I hope not)...because there really are people out there fighting for their life right now. People that have little ones at home that need them to be around, and they won't...I really am blessed. I just needed a day to feel sorry for myself, even if it was only for 20 minutes and that I got to put my thoughts into words to purge my pain and move forward. I have been able to tell everyone I am doing "ok" and getting by with very little sympathy, which is the way I want it. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted to accomplish my 12 treatments, and I did. I am ok. I will make it. I just needed a little cry baby time...thanks for listening.

Today was a good day...I can't complain...I'm off chemo! Tomorrow will be so much better! I'm taking my pump back to St. Lukes Cancer Center...I hated that thing! So glad to be free of it!

the longest 9 1/2 months ever...EVER

I did it! I have finished all 12 treatments. It only took 9 1/2 months (3 1/2 months longer than normal), but I did it. 2 surgeries, 12 treatments, lots of tears, prayers and sleepless nights! I am done. I kicked some cancer arse! I am so proud of myself. I couldn't be happier. At 11:11 a.m. I was officially disconnected (facebook reported it was 9:08 since every clock in my house is wrong!). I pulled out my needle and was done! I couldn't have done it without my support system which has rocked and kicked cancer's arse as well! All the prayers, thoughts, calls, emails, texts, cards, gifts, EVERYTHING...I am greatful! I love you all! Thank you for sticking beside me, encouraging me, having a wonderful benefit for me, it pushed me forward, it kept me strong, it was what I needed. 2011 was a rough year for me, and I am looking forward to 2012...good things to come. Time with my family. Time to recoup. Time to move on! Love you all!!!!

the time has come....

TO CELEBRATE! Unfortunately I can not believe I totally forgot my camera to one of the most important days of my life (aside from the day I was born, married and my baby girl was born). My very last (fingers crossed and lots of prayers)chemo treatment was yesterday. I never thought this day would come. I didn't even mind getting a needle in my chest, despite how much it hurts (both physically and emotionally), I was ready for it...happy for it...ready for this to be done.

My appointments go like this...

I get there and first thing I have to do...which is probably one of my least favorite things to do, is get weighed in. OMG I could do without having to see my weight constantly go up every 2 weeks...BUT on the plus side...after tomorrow I am officially OFF the steroids! Now I am praying my weight will steadily go down just as much as it steadily went up. I'm thinking this will take me a little work, but that never scared me before.:)

After weighing in...I find a seat in the infusion center and get my vitals done and port accessed for a blood draw. Since the day my needle came out of my port at 3 am, I am a bit of a freak about securing it down. My nurses know this and accommodate my request now without me having to ask. I put the reinforcement down on that dang needle...lots of tape, and a few secured dressings. NO MORE CHEMO BURNS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

As soon as my blood has been drawn, I wait to be called back to see my doctor. I absolutely love her. Moving was totally worth it for HER (among other reasons, although I desperately want to move back!). I went back to see her along with my husband, who accompanied me to my LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!!! Dr. Y is such a fabulous person and a fantastic doctor! I love her. She set up my next appointment in MARCH, which will be full of scans and labs, and we talked about what happens NOW.
Now...I will have to have monthly port flushes, which we set up for the next 4 months. I go to MD Anderson in December for a battery of scans, labs, x-rays, genetic counseling visits, and last but not least a doctors appointment with THE BEST COLON CANCER ONCOLOGIST EVER! (just my opinion, but it could possibly be true) After this appointment I won't have to go back (except for port flushes) till March and from there I will see my doctor in KC every 4 months for the first year. In July I will have to have my 3rd ever Colonoscopy...which I will have to get every year for the first 3 years and then every 5 years probably forever. OH JOY! :) When I was in visiting my doctor she had not received the results of my labs, and I was PRAYING they would be good. And of course they were. Prayers answered!!! This meant I would be able to finally get my last chemo treatment....lucky number 12. Doctor Y and I did discuss the need for my shot on Friday. I brought it up and asked if I needed to get it, since this was my last chemo treatment and I could just let my body build itself back up. She told me that was a reasonable request and granted it to me...so I was ecstatic...NO NEULASTA SHOT FRIDAY!!!! I will not be hurting all weekend...although I may be worn down, but I can deal with that.

After I see Dr. Y I go back to the infusion room to wait for her to put my orders in and then start my chemo. I got there at 8:30 am and didn't leave till 2 pm. What a long day...but this day was totally worth it! My first bag of fluids is my premed (which really makes me kind of loopy) which takes 15 min., then my calcium and magnesium bag which takes 30 minutes, and then my chemo which takes 2-3 hours. After I get my chemo I get another bag of calcium and magnesium for 30 min. and then my chemo push. The chemo is called FOLFOX, and the push is 1/3 of the amount that I get for the next 2 days in my pump. The push goes in over 5 minutes and after that my nurse hooks me up to my pump. Now you know....this is exactly what I go through.

My mom showed up with cupcakes to celebrate at chemo for everyone, and when I left I was given a certificate of completion from my nurses and my turn at ringing the bell. Everyone clapped. It is such an accomplishment, but I did leave there with my heart heavy for the chemo patients sitting around me. You can tell by looking at them who will make it and who will not. It is very sad, but very true. By the way...I'm one that will make it! Thank God for that. Being in a cancer center really makes you hate cancer and what it has done to people. How much they are fighting and how determined they are to get well. Sometimes you win, sometimes you loose. When cancer wins...it sucks! Please say a prayer for those that are fighting a loosing battle. I heart them so much!


So....I am disconnecting on Thursday...will probably cry like a baby...and I am done! This has been a long 9 1/2 month long journey for myself, my parents, my siblings, my loving husband, and my baby! I am proud of myself for making it, and will continue to fight and have a positive attitude.


My post has been long and I have rambled on... and I won't write anymore but I wanted to share a few pictures of my time in Seattle for the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR 5K. My mom and I just got back Monday night from spending the weekend in Seattle and seeing my Grandma (also a colon cancer survivor), and my aunts and uncles). We had a blast. Pictures to prove it:
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Toni aka "The runners!!!":

A little Arse Grabbing:



Colon Cancer Survivors:

Breakfast in Olympia with Grandma:

Ferry Ride...Brrrr Seattle is not good for Neuropathy!:) :

Fremont Troll:

November, already???

A month of thankfulness....today I am thankful for the beautiful weather we had this morning. I was able to walk outside with the dog and not have my hands feel like I was carrying broken glass and my feet feel like they were walking on needles...seriously...this is what it feels like. I have HORRIBLE neuropathy and hope it goes away soon. My doctor warned me it would be the last side effect to go...and then she proceeded to tell me to give it 6 months to a year. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???? I am ready for the fatigue to evaporate, the tummy issues to resolve, the neuropathy to die...I am just so ready to feel good. My body has taken a beating...My spirit is wearing down...I am tired of this! I couldn't imagine having to fight this fight forever...I don't think I would have it in me. I say that now, but if I had to do it...I would. I wouldn't have a choice. Fighting cancer is just something you have to do.

I woke up today with the same stomach issues I have had for the last 3 days. NOT GOOD. The weird thing is that I haven't had these issues with the last few treatments. My treatments are so unpredictable. I never know how I am going to feel. It is always a surprise. Did I ever tell you how much I hate surprises! :) One more...I just keep telling myself...ONE MORE! :)

Halloween was a blast. My daughter had fun. I loved it.




Now on to November...and so much to be thankful for!

Happy Halloween...

Is it really Halloween? Is October really over? I can't believe it. It is so bittersweet for me. October is my favorite month. Fall in Kansas and Missouri is the best. I just wish I could have soaked more of it in and enjoyed it more. I wish half the month I wasn't sick and feeling like crappola. I am already looking forward to next October and making plans already. I have "events" I just HAVE to attend and places I want to go and visit. A new one on my list is Worlds of Fun Boo Blast, which was a hoot! Just wish I could have stayed longer and/or it was warmer so I could have. My neuropathy was absolutely KILLING me yesterday, which made it kind of miserable, but I managed to enjoy myself and have a blast despite stupid side effects.

This morning...not so good. Have been having some severe tummy trauma and all the side effects with it. NOT FUN! I wanted to feel good today to get my house clean and make a fun Halloween dinner, but I am moving slow today and probably not going to get done what I wanted. Which I have to tell myself is ok. I have to just make it through. The more days that go by, the better I start to feel..I have to remind myself this constantly.

I am looking forward to having a great night with my family trick-or-treating. I think Charly will have a ball! Pictures to come!

Happy Halloween!

a perfect day...

Yes...I was this excited about the carosel! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed today and how great it was. My sister had her baby bright and early this morning and I got to start my day out by loving and snuggling with a newborn, and then spent the evening with my brother and his family at Worlds of Fun...having a ball! I can't tell you how happy my heart is when my daughter smiles and laughs like this! I love being a mom!

one down...one to go...

I woke up sick again...but because I was disconnecting today I was so excited. I hate that dang little pump. I tried to get moving and hope my mind would be off of my sickness. It worked (a little). I got dinner going in the crockpot, laundry started, beds made, worked from home... it was kinda nice to get some stuff accomplished! It is a huge deal! Chemo weeks are rough for getting things done. Definitely do not come to my house those weeks...it is a disaster (and my house normally isn't a disaster...maybe messy, but not a disaster!)

One down and one to go...I can't wait. I am so excited.

Officially disconnected at 12:00 and that brought a smile to my face!

sick

I was hoping I could get through this chemo treatment easily. I have to remind myself...there is nothing easy about chemo. It is hard. It wears on you. It drags you down. It hurts. It makes you sick. It fatigues you. It messes with your body. It comes with side effects (nasty ones). It changes you. It sets you apart. It kills! It changes everything!

So...I find myself sick this evening. I had a great day. Spent it with my sister and mom at my sister's doctor appointment. She is due Halloween with her 5th baby boy. I am excited for her. I can't wait to hold a new baby. Buying stuff for her baby and looking through all the baby stuff makes me want to get another one. (Which I have convinced myself when this is over, that is my next challenge...so if anyone reading my blog knows of anyone in need of some great adoptive parents...send them my way!) Anyway...we went to the appointment, to lunch and then to do some unneccessary shopping and when I got home...I was wiped out. Worn out. Sick! I guess I probably did it to myself and should really concentrate on spending my chemo days relaxing...I didn't. But I have to say...I can get through this and I am exstatic that tomorrow when I disconnect I have 1 more left. I can hardly believe it. I. CAN'T. WAIT!!!!

I'm not feeling great, but I am getting though and really doing fine. I must say...I can't complain. They have really managed my treatment well and made it very tolerable. I can deal with a few sick days, and then a shot that kills for 2 days and then I'm on to a good week. And to top things off, next weekend is my Seattle trip! Very much looking forward to that.

Shock of the day...Got one of my bajillion medical bills in the mail that showed the cost of my shot every other friday....ready for this....DRUM ROLL PLEASE... A WHOPPING:
$8,000.00!!!

Put that with my chemo that has not gone up to $15,000.00 on my chemo weeks make my chemo week $23,000.00 and that is only medication...not doctors visits. HOLY MACARONI! I could really find a better way to spend that money! It isn't even fun to spend that money!

Life is good. Ready to disconnect tomorrow. Ready to have one more left. Ready to enjoy my family and the holidays. Thank you GOD for getting me through this...(almost), but I know You will!

Today was a great day...I'm expecting my sister to have her baby tonight or tomorrow, which means tomorrow will be even better!!!!

Pain in my Rash

I have had this lingering rash for the past week. It doesn't bother me too much. Itches a little, looks ugly, feels bumpy and gross, but besides that it is what it is...a rash. The thing is...it is an allergic reaction to my chemo. When I went to see Dr. Y today for my appointment before my chemo, right off the bat she saw my rash. Commented that it was a significant rash, but that she would like to try and keep the chemo regimen the same and see what happens. (kinda scary when she asked if my breathing had become difficult...it better not!) My chemo is already at 80% strength...to keep it as strong as possible would be the best. I did not have a problem with this decision. I am just so happy I have ONE more...that is right people...after this current treatment I have ONE more! HIP HIP HOORAH!!!!! I'm sorry to say, that once I get a good report from my MD Anderson appointment I will not be blogging as often (which lately has meant once or twice a week) SORRY! I might not blog at all...we'll see! I am ready to be done with this cancer stuff...which means talking about it too! I wish I could find a way to thank everyone who has been a key role in my treatment...by having an amazing benefit, sending cards, calls, texts, emails, fb posts, gifts, LOVE, SUPPORT, FRIENDSHIP, UNDERSTANDING, KINDNESS, PRAYERS, PRAYERS, and PRAYERS! I love each and every one of you! Every one of you has kept my spirits up...made me stronger...put the fight in me! I love you for that.

In two days it will have been exactly 9 months since I became a surgical masterpiece! Found out I have cancer. Cried my eyes out a bajillion times. Felt sick as doo doo. Held my daughter (and husband) and hoped and prayed I was going to beat this...and by beat this I mean NEVER have to deal with it again! Healed... and then healed some more. Learned to live with a shit bag...(pardon my french) and then in turn learned to be humble because of it. Learned to love, and by love I mean really LOVE. Learned that I was loved...which was amazing!!! Learned to empathize...and by that I don't mean shave my head to support and love someone (which by the way I think is UBER awesome!)...but I've kinda done the "been there done that and I feel for you so much no matter what kind of cancer treatment you are going through...it all sucks!" I have enjoyed ever hour, minute and second I felt good. I have even enjoyed ever hour, minute and second I didn't, because I know that I was fighting that stinkin' cancer! I have battled through it! Spent some amazing one on one time with my mom every 2 weeks (even though it was painfully long hours at the cancer center). Become stronger emotionally and spiritually. Amazed myself. Moved! Parented my beautiful child to the best of my ability, and by that I mean...she got away with murder! I have continue to live...had a miserable time and then a great time.

This is my favorite time of year...I am so ready for Halloween, my upcoming Seattle trip, Thanksgiving, finally putting my house together, my Houston trip and spending time with my husband (MUCH needed time...and by that you don't want to know!), Christmas and Santa and Stockings over our very first fire place!!!!, and last but not least (besides all the amazing days in between)...a FRESH NEW YEAR (kinda puts a tear in my eyes). This next year has GOT to be an improvement. Please pray that it is! I kinda need it! :)

Life is good...I have my second to last chemo pumping...that stinkin' pump attached to me, but I am thankful...it is about over. I am kickin' this cancers arse! Thanks for your help!

Today was a good day, tomorrow will be just as good (if not better!).

Motivation

My motivation for getting out and walking:

yeah...and he goes about my pace! :) We have welcomed a new member to the family, our new to us 8 year old cocker spaniel Buster, AKA Buster Rhymes! We have fallen in love with him and he has nestled into our home and lives quite nicely.

Since we moved, I have been home and not working, and basically going crazy. I have needed a companion...a buddy to hang with during the day while Andrew is busy bringing home the bacon and Charly is equally as busy burning the bacon by playing with friends. I need a reason to get out and enjoy the day, the weather, and basically just move my butt. It makes me feel good to get out and I needed a reason to do it. He is it!

Although he is 8 years old, he does have some spunk in him, but also loves to just keep me company! He is a good dog.

I have been doing well. The neuropathy has not improved, but I am trying to convince myself that it is due to the cold weather. I hate to think that it is not going to resolve. The issue with the neuropathy is that it can be permanent and I do not want to go down that road. Having cancer has been horrible, having to go through chemo has been doubly horrible, and the thought of having a reminder of it ever day would just be crushing. I am so ready to be done with this fight. I am ready to finish my last 2 treatments, go to MD Anderson and get a great report. I was told by my doctor at my last appointment that I can't get my port out till after my 6 month follow up at MD Anderson to insure that everything is good...that bummed me out, but I would much rather keep it then have to find out some bad news and get it put back in. So...for the next 6 months I will have to continue to go in monthly for a flush and a constant reminder that I can infact get a bad report (which will NOT be the case)! I hate Cancer and I hate what it does to people. It is always lingering in the back of your mind...every pain in your body is a worry...life will never be the same. Life will never be as carefree as it was. I hate that!

But...I fight on! I fight for me, for my family, for my friends! I keep kickin arse!

Today is a fabulous day and tomorrow will be even better... full of laughs, smiles, fun and more importantly a Costume Halloween Birthday Party for my nephew! My family of Zombies will rock that party! :)

Another one bites the dust...

One more down! I can hardly wait! I made it through #10 chemo infusion with very few issues. Besides the neuropathy, which has kicked up a few notches, I am doing well. Had one day of nausea and not feeling great, but I know now that it doesn't last too long and I can get through it. I did get my neulasta shot on Friday...woke up Saturday expecting to be crippled like I usually am after the shot, but it wasn't too bad at all. I was amazed. Too bad that didn't last...as the day wore on, the pain snuck up on me. It is hard to describe just how horrible that pain is...but let me assure you, it is not fun. I'm starting to think the shot is far worse than the chemo at this point. I feel like my ribs are broken and my skull hurts (isn't that wierd). It hurts so bad I have a hard time shaving my arm pits and/or washing my hair due to the pain. Because of that I typically skip the shower on Saturday and hunker down in my house for the day. Only 2 more left! I am ecstatic.

I did have a great weekend though. I spent Sunday sitting outside watching my daughter play with her cousins. It was just fun to be outside in the beautiful weather and watch her just have a ball. My heart was happy!

This week I'm looking forward to some great weather...cooler weather! I'm hoping my neuropathy starts to resolve. I'm planning a fun day with my daughter! I am blessed to have what I have and I wouldn't change it for a thing! Enjoy your week.

Today is a great day, and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!!!

food makes everything better!

Yesterday I went to St. Luke's Cancer Center with my mom like I have been doing every other week since I moved. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my mom goes with me. It would be miserable to go by myself. I get there at 9 a.m. and leave around 2 p.m. and it feels like I am there FOREVER!!! When I first stepped into that place I was disappointed in how depressing it was. Now...I enjoy going to see the people. The nurses are fantastic, the techs are so personable and the other cancer patients are trying to get through their appointments just like me...with a smile on their face. This was by far the best day at the cancer center. My mom was kind enough to pick up donuts to bring for everyone. She has done this before, and EVERYONE enjoys it. She brought donuts and some other wonderful person brought bagels. Breakfast was served! Then she was kind enough to bring along lunch for us. Usually we go out after we get done, but have found that eating lunch so late in the day ruins our dinner...so she brought sub sandwiches, chips, and bananas. How wonderful. Lunch was served...or we thought.
My mom had just gotten done telling me how good it makes her feel to bring in the donuts for everyone because it makes their day. I agreed. We have made friends this way! The best way to a friends heart is through their tummy. Right? Well not long after we were talking about making people's day a cancer patient came in with a HUGE spread of lunch for everyone! Sub sandwiches from Jimmy John's, Chips, Cookies, Vegetables...It looked wonderful. We were shot down! :) Just kidding...it was a great treat and a great day at the cancer center. He brought lunch for everyone to celebrate his last day of treatment! AWESOME!!!! I walked past him on my way to the restroom to thank him and tell him I was so jealous of him...he just laughed...and said "why in the world are you jealous of me" and I told that adorable bald man that I was jealous because he was done. He just smiled and told me I would get there too. I preceded to thank him for the wonderful lunch and wished him luck. I pray for him. He has spent a year fighting his cancer. His body has taken a beating. He deserves to win his battle. He deserves to celebrate. I hope he did! I can't wait to celebrate my end to this battle. I can't wait to bring in my celebratory lunch to the cancer center. I would love to do something BIG...any suggestions????
I love that I am almost done. It has made my last few treatments feel like small obstacles and not huge ones like they did before. I am feeling stronger going through them and can actually function now on my chemo weeks.
I failed to mention that not only was it a great day at the cancer center because we were showered with food (once again thank you steroids for my ability to down some food), but my dad and grandmother (a colon cancer survivor) who is in town visiting this past weekend came in for a short visit to see were I get my treatments done and then took us out to the cheesecake factory on the plaza after my appointment...don't worry I only ordered a small side salad! I was trying to be good. I did however have a few bites of the delicious cheesecake for desert...and then I came home and did not eat dinner. I'm trying! I can't wait to get off this steroid! I have another battle ahead of me! Does it ever end! :)
So...I am getting through this treatment and doing well, except I really have experienced the worst neuropathy EVER. I have been wearing gloves on my hands which seem to help instantly. It looks a little funny in public wearing these winter gloves, but if it helps I don't care. I haven't had much of an issue with the neuropathy like this time. I noticed it immediately on my way out of the clinic after I reached for the metal door handle that set my hand stinging like crazy. OUCH! Thank goodness for the gloves.
After this...I have one more treatment and I am off to Seattle for a short weekend of Pike's Market with my mom, hanging out with my grandma and aunts and uncles and of course walking the Get Your Rear in Gear 5K colon cancer walk. I can't wait.
Life is sweet!

MOM INTERRUPTED...Charly has just walked in the door from daycare, I must sign off.

there is a price to pay for feeling good....puffiness

I remember in the beginning when I had a hard time with the chemo. It made me sicker than a dog. I had neuropathy like no other, mouth sores, hand and foot sores, cold sensitivity, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hair thinning...you name it! It took all I had to get through the week and recover from it. At this time my Oncologist never suggested I take any prescription steroids to help...but my nurse practitioner did. I remember telling her...I would rather suffer than gain any weight and be fatter than I already am...little did I know!

Somehow...I was tricked into taking them. Somehow...they incorporated it into my chemo regimen without me knowing. Somehow...I feel better. Somehow...I have gained weight and become puffy. Puffy is not a word you want to be by the way...it is worse than fat. I am dying to finish my last 3 chemos and then start the battle of loosing weight and being a little less puffy and for sure a little more healthy.

I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head is "this is my last day". It is my last day to feel good (at least for a little while) and enjoy it. Enjoy the semi-energy I have and the ability to get some stuff done around the house before I get "sick" again. Actually I should now say "tired" instead of "sick". This chemo thing has gotten a little easier for me to get through. I'm not sure if I am use to it, my body is adapting to it better, or if really all the new stuff I take is helping. I definitely dread my Tuesday chemo days. It feels like I am stuck in that infusion room for hours..and I am! And then on top of that I have to go home with that stupid pump. Those 46 hours feel like 460 hours...I hate it. Thank goodness I only have 3 more! 3!!!!!

I spent the first half of the long weekend in Jefferson City seeing friends, neighbors, co-workers and hanging out around town and of course making an appearance at the Hartsburg Pumpkin Fest! MY FAVORITE. To think last year I missed it because we were in Vegas (and secretly I wanted to stay home to go to it)... I know Kim...you are rolling your eyes right now reading this and thinking I am crazy. I do love town fests though! Mostly for the food!!! (again... thank you steroids for the never ending hunger I have and the ability to eat all day long and not be full!)

We returned back to good ol' Kansas just in time to wake up extra early to drive through Kansas City to make it to the Stephanie Vest Foundation PINK LAUNDRY 5K walk/run. I didn't know Stephanie, but I did follow her blog while she was battling cancer, and I have friends that know her and her family. I felt the need to participate in her fundraiser and honor such a strong woman. People were and continue to be there for me, supporting me and my family and I felt I needed to be there for her. I walked the 5K with my husband and daughter (all wearing pink in support of Stephanie) and finished it! It amazes me...this is my second 5K in about a month and I am amazed with my ability to finish. I am so proud of myself when I do! I walked the 5K watching my baby and seeing Stephanie's baby who is about the same age and thought of Stephanie and every second she has missed with her baby. I watched her oldest son write a message to her on his balloon and send it to heaven for her to read. I thought about how she was watching everyone from heaven and smiling. I thought of the beautiful life that everyone here on Earth is missing out on and how she reached people's hearts that she didn't even know. I thought of the times I would read her blog and think about what she was going through and really had NO idea at the time... I kind of do now! Although I am not in a hospital bed dying, I do know how the diagnosis of cancer crushes you and that immediately your thoughts go to your kids...and then everyone else you deeply love. I know that she spent every day fighting cancer for her kids, her husband, her family, her friends, and herself. It is a tough burden to carry and a hard battle to fight, and she did it with grace and beauty! Thank you Stephanie for touching my heart and making me a stronger person. I could only hope to be as kind, beautiful, patient, loving, and full of fun and spunk as you! You are a role model to me!

BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE...

I'm getting there...slowly but surely...I'm getting there. Only 3 more left. 3! This last chemo was the easiest by far. And by easy I don't mean easy...but things are better. I remember when I took my first few treatments and they just about killed me...seriously! I couldn't do full dose of chemo if I had to. It was such a shock to my body...and the side effects were horrendous. Today...today it is controlled. I love my new doctor and the new stuff she has incorporated into my treatment to make my chemo weeks at least tolerable. I can manage to get through them with few tears. I rocked this last one. Sometimes I think I really overdue it though. I really REALLY wanted to go to the Weston Applefest this past weekend, and with my stubbornness nobody could have kept me from going (although I really should have stayed home). It was hot. I was tired. I didn't feel well. I had to WALK ALL OVER THAT TOWN... and all I wanted was a nice tall glass of ice water, but thanks to my wonderful chemo side effects, that was not going to happen. I did go. It was good to get out of the house, but hind sight is always 20/20...next time I'll rest and save up for the next fun fest. I am looking forward to this week...getting some energy back...I need it. I never really understood what fatigue was until now. I get it. I'm tired of it. I can do without it. I totally understand it now. I am fatigued.
Fatigue is by far the worst side effect I have at this point in my chemo treatments. I can deal with the neuropathy and even the terrible pain from my shot (which thankfully only lasts about 2 days)...but the fatigue....it just stays and stays and never goes away. I am definitely looking forward to being done and feeling better. I haven't felt like myself for a very long time. I miss it. Sorry for the lack of posts and short posts...I'm blaming it on the fatigue! :) Enjoy your Monday!

Third trimester

I just like saying I am in my 3rd trimester! After I disconnect tomorrow I will officially have 3 more chemo infusions! It still seems like a lifetime away, but it also seems like an attainable goal! I can't wait!!! I have had a great week! It feels good to feel as normal as possible! It feels so good that I bawled my eyes out on the way to chemo! I just hate to have to do it! Then again I hate to get down and feel sorry for myself...so I wipe the tears away and buck up and start kicking some cancer arse! My doctor did tell me my labs were outstanding! The shot is doing the job, along with crippling me for about 48 hours! As long as it keeps me on track I am good! I made reservations for Houston for my follow up at MD Anderson and am ready for that trip! My doctor also told me my CEA numbers look good! That is my cancer lab! My level hovers between .5 and 1! Pretty good! I was so proud of myself over the weekend for completing my first 5K!!! I participated in the Whisper Walk to support ovarian cancer! It was such a great feeling and really got me hooked! I loved that the survivors got to wear teal boas...I wanted that to be me...and could see the pride in those survivors eyes! Cancer sucks...and beating it is a BIG deal! Soooooo....I found a 5K Get Your Rear In Gear colon cancer 5K walk in Seattle the weekend before my last chemo treatment! I am going to go out celebrating, and what a fantastic way!!! I will walk it with my mom (who has attended 99 percent of my treatments and appointments and has been there for me and my family since day 1) and my grandma who is 81 and a colon cancer survivor!!! I got to register my grandma and I as survivors!!! What a great feeling!!! I can't wait! I apologize for the lack of pictures to the blog! I will do better! Promise!

Enjoying it...

I woke up this morning at 3:45 am. I have done this lately. I can't sleep. No pain. No worries. Nothing wrong... just can't sleep. So, I decided to get up. It is amazing how much you can get done when your child sleeps. I was productive. It felt good. I never thought cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc would ever be missed and that I would beg to be able to do those things. I am good now. I am feeling great actually. I am excited for a great weekend and the return of my husband, who I have missed immensly!

I actually started planning my next trip to Houston! I checked out plane tickets, and hotel options, which I think I will be staying at the hotel on the hospital grounds to make it easy for us. With the help of everyone that threw that amazing benefit, I don't have to worry about anything! I am so blessed. I am looking forward to a trip to Galveston with my husband and some relaxation time...but more importantly, I am looking so forward to this trip and that it will signify that I am done with my fight and have won. I look forward to good results and for word that I am done and can finally focus on getting well and give my body a break! It has been working hard for me. I appreciate every bit of my body and what it does and how hard it has fought. Your body is an amazing thing!

Enjoy the rest of the week and the coming weekend... Tuesday will be starting my third trimester of chemo! I never got to measure my life in trimesters...so I am now!!! I am done with the 1st and 2nd trimester and on to the 3rd! REJOICE!!!!

Smile...Life is so short. Enjoy it. Feel good! Love. Laugh. Dance. Pray. Smile. Hug. Kiss. Soak it all in!

Can't Touch This...

I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't move. It hurt to open my eyes, to sit up out of bed, to BREATH! That shot has crippled me!!! I have experienced this on a slightly different level with the Neupogen shots that I got the first 4 cycles of chemo. I got those shots in my hips and they made it almost impossible to walk. This time the shots are given in my arm, and from my rear up my body just aches. I mean ACHES. It hurts to be touched. It hurts to move. It is unbelievable what a shot can do. I can't imagine what it is doing to my insides. I'm sure my bone marrow is like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE????" It is now Sunday and the pain is still there, although it is subsiding. I am definitely looking forward to a good week ahead of me. I've had an exhausting week. This chemo just knocks me down. It wears me out. It crushes me. I can only pray it is doing the same for whatever microscopic cancer cells have decided to be stubborn.

Note to self...if you refer back to this blog for any advice...do NOT take a warm to hot shower to try to releive the pain you feel from the shot...it only makes you sick. I'm talking so sick you can't get out of the shower before you start to vomit and dry heave. How miserable. Definitely made for TV!

I am thankful for a wonderful family and especially mom who has really helped me out.

I am really missing my husband! Ready for him to come home.

I am ready for a good week.

I am thankful to have been able to spend some time with great friends that came to visit. Even a trip to have lunch at Hooters was in the cards!

lazy days...

It's a great dreary and rainy day today. Perfect for taking a nap. I woke up this morning to my room crisp and cool and a warm baby snuggled against me. Now doesn't that sound like heaven? I watched her sleep. Heard her breath. Felt her warmth. She is perfect. I am one lucky mom.
The day is perfect for sleeping in and laying around the house being lazy. Problem is, I'm tired of being tired and tired of laying around and being lazy. (Which is not by choice). I want to do something. I want to get out of the house. I want to clean, bake, cook, shop, walk, just get out...but the energy is not there. Cancer you will be defeted and I will feel good again and things will be even better than I could expect. I am ready for my next 4 treatments...then ready to be on the road to recovery and full of energy and happy again. I just want to smile all the time. Right now...It takes all I have to put a smile on. I hate that. It feels sometimes like cancer has destroyed me. It throws your emotions every which way...you cry alot, you're sad alot, you want to give up...BUT YOU DON'T! It has ruined my body, it has ruined my career, it has wore me out. I know this is all temporary. I know I am at the end, and tomorrow is always better...in fact today has been great. I went in today for my shot of Neulasta. The last one killed. This one was not bad at all. I was thankful!
I need a vacation. I need to get away. I need some fun. I need to feel good. I want to enjoy each day and not be so exhausted. I want to be cancer free. I wish this never happened.

I smiled today, because a dear friend is getting her colonoscopy today. Love you!!! You make me happy.

I smiled today because normally I would love wet, dreary, lazy days...so I will change my attitude now and embrace the chance to relax and enjoy this sleepy weather.

I smiled today because it is Friday...and the week is over...and I have a great week to look forward to!

I love being a mom and each morning I wake up to a smiling kiddo, which in turn puts a smile on my face. I couldn't ask for a better life.

Today has been a great day...tomorrow will be even better.

2/3

Thursday is another of my favorite days of the week. It is the day I get to disconnect. I am officially now 2/3rds of the way done. Tuesday, Wednesday and today (so far) have not been too bad at all. I have remembered to take my steroid, which has probably helped me out. I have just been exhausted and had a few bouts of nausea, but overall nothing I can really complain of. My mom has been a huge help with Charly and taking care of things around my house, feeding us and just doing it all. I couldn't do it without her.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and having some friends from Jefferson City visit, and I'm looking forward to next week feeling better and enjoying it. I'll get some work to do for my company from home, which keeps me busy and gives me something to do and feel productive. Definitely wish I was still at the prison to be around my staff. I miss them immensely.

More importantly right now I miss my husband. I want him home. Things just seem so much more comfortable with him in the house and around.

I smiled today because I absolutely love this weather...except when it kills my hands and feet with the neuropathy! :(

I smiled today because I disconnect today! One more down...4 more to go!

Today will be a good day, but tomorrow will be even better!

A case of the Mondays

Monday is my favorite day of the week (now). It is a guaranteed good day for me...chemo or no chemo. It means I either have had a rough week and it is like the start of a fresh chemo free week for me... or it means I have had 2 weeks behind me and gearing up for my next round of chemo...which in turn means that I am one more closer to being done. I love Mondays now.

I'm not sure if I'll get chemo tomorrow or not. My burn is still there. You would think since I got the shot of neulasta and my levels are over the top, I feel I should have some kind of super human healing power strength...I don't apparently. It has gotten better, but it is not healed. I am betting they will do it, but I am not looking forward to a needle going directly into my burn. I'm thinking it will hurt. I'm not a fan of hurting either! I am however gearing up for this round of chemo. I'm spending the day getting things ready at the house for a week of doing absolutely nothing! Once my trash is taken out and laundry done today, I'm not planning on throwing anything away or going through any clean clothes...not sure that will fly, but I would like for that to happen. In order for that to take place Charly would miraculously have to be potty trained today and wear the same clothes all week...yep...not gonna happen. That is ok, I can at least get ahead of the game and start with a clean house. I have had a wonderful 2 weeks off. I'm ready to get this ball rolling again though. The longer it takes and the more fun I have each day, only means this will drag out longer than I would like. This chemo round will be harder for me, at least I am anticipating that. Andrew is gone till the end of the month, which means I will be doing it with the help of my mom. It is hard to feel crappy and expect someone to do everything for you. My mom is a huge help with Charly and I'm sure that without her I could not do this. I don't know if she is planning on camping at my house this week to help me out or not, but either way, it is comforting to know that I can count on her to be there. She goes with me to chemo and sits with me all day while I get it, and then spends the week helping me out with my child and just being there to take care of me. I love her. I am blessed!

Today I rescheduled my M.D.Anderson appointment. It was suppose to be the 10th and 11th of November, which would have worked out wonderfully since that is a holiday weekend...but thanks to my unpredictable schedule of chemo, I rescheduled it to December 15th and 16th. That gives me some cushion. I am looking forward to a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can't wait to have my scans and labs done again and be on the road to chemo free and CANCER free!!!

I managed to sign up this past week for an Ovarian Cancer walk in KC. I'm hoping my chemo doesn't get rescheduled so I can attend. I am looking forward to it on Sept. 25th. Supporting individuals with cancer and cancer causes is something I think will be a part of my life for ever. Can't believe it took me getting it to make this a part of my life. It is now near and dear to my heart!

Enjoy your Monday...I know I will!!!!

so sick of sickness...

I just counted on my fingers and including today I have 5 more good days left till my next chemo treatment. I just can't stand having to go get chemo and be sick. I absolutely dread it. This has given me a new appreciation for people that are chroniclly sick. My heart hurts for them. It has really opened my eyes to how people are feeling and what is going on in their lives around me. I only have 5 more times of having to be sick and then I will be on the road to detoxing this crap out of my system. I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought in a million years that I would be here typing this, or that I would be the person with cancer that prayers go up for, or that my life would be drastically changed in a blink of an eye. Life is funny that way. It throws you some curve balls and you better be ready! I couldn't imagine facing this without God. He has comforted me, walked with me, carried me, and all my fears and worries go to Him. I am blessed to know Him.

I saw a quote the other day that I thought was a good one and fit me...You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Enjoy the day! It's beautiful outside!!!!

me no chemo...

I went to St. Luke's today for chemo (5 more left!!!!), but due to the burn I got from the leaking chemo last time, they postponed it 1 week. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm happy to get another week of feeling good, but then again I just want to get it over with. I can't believe this crap has drug on almost an entire year! I will now have to move my appointment at M.D. Anderson back to early December, which will give me a little wiggle room with my next 5 treatments, just in case something else comes up and I get off track again. I did get lab results today, and thanks to the shot I got last Friday, my counts are OUTSTANDING...something to rejoice about!

I had a wonderful weekend with my family over the Holiday, and plan on having a great week ahead of me.

I posted picture of the burn, 12 days of healing and still red and painful.

Smile today...things are going well for me. I feel good.

I smiled today because I get another week of feeling good.

I had an amazing weekend...full of fun things: Red Barn Farm, Farmer's Market downtown KC, birthday parties (mine! :)), and time with friends.

Today was a great day, and tomorrow will be even better!

busy...

Well...I am officially another year older. I would have to say that 32 did age me a few more years than it should have...and I am now praying that 33 will be much kinder to me. It started off great! Although I didn't have anyone sing happy birthday to me, or get to blow out any candles on a cake, it was a wonderful day. I actually got to go out to dinner with friends two nights in a row, and had a great time. Then we had friends and Andrew's parents over for cake and ice cream. What a fantastic day. I got a gazzilion messages on facebook wishing me happy birthday and bunch of emails. That sure made my day.

Today I am feeling really good, so I am going to try and work hard at getting things done around the house: laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and some cooking. I'm pretty sure I will sleep well tonight!

Tomorrow I am heading back to Jefferson City for work. I feel like I am going home, when actually I am home. I miss Jeff City so much. I miss my friends, my neighbors, my work...just about everything! I wish I were heading back with Andrew and Charly and staying longer than 2 days, so we could pack our days full of fun with our friends, but I don't think I will have a problem doing that myself! I am making sure to hit some hot spots and definitely bringing my gift certificate to the bakery to bring back some goodies for Andrew, Charly, and whoever else is around at my house! It will feel good to get out and work a little and see my staff again. I miss them.

Then when I head back home Friday I am in for a Labor day weekend packed full of stuff to do and fun. We are starting out our weekend at the City Market to soak in some good ol' KC and let Charly partake in the children's fun (the train)...and then we have a 2:00 pm birthday party where we are celebrating the magnificent births of the following people: my sister-in-law Amber, her mom Patti, my nephew Jacob, my sister Amanda, my Grandma Wanda (if she can fly in from Seattle) and of course...the most miraculous birth of them all...MINE!

Then I get to celebrate again on Labor day my mother-in-law Meg and my birthday again. We share a birthday! How fun!!! So I'm sure that somewhere in there I will get the birthday song sung to me and blow out some candles to make a wish! Because I've been thinking of my wish for awhile now....:)

So if I am not on for awhile...it's because I'm busy! Enjoy the rest of your week and the holiday weekend...I'll be back soon with lots of pictures! :)

tomorrow will be even better...

It only took about 5 tomorrow's, but I am now on the mend, and things are better! I had a very rough 5 days.

I connected on Tuesday and basically laid around the entire day. (I have found if I do this, I end up having an easier time dealing with the chemo...maybe it is because I do not wear myself out...I don't know)

Wednesday instead of laying on the couch I laid in bed all day. I wasn't feeling well. It is hard to explain... I didn't throw up, but I was nauseous most of the day, dizzy and extremely tired. Like so tired that just getting up to brush your teeth is hard work. It makes it almost impossible to accomplish anything, and I'm really accomplishing alot if I can shower and get dressed! I really feel sorry for my husband these days. I am thankful that I have my mom to help me out as well. She comes over in the mornings to get Charly dressed and ready for daycare and takes her. I ride along.

Thursday morning at 4 am I woke up to chemo dripping down my chest. I immediately freaked. I don't' know what is in this chemo stuff, but I do know that when the nurses at St. Luke's handle it they are fully protected with robes, gloves, masks, etc. I went down to the kitchen and got my spill kit that they give you (and you never think you'll use!). I took off the dressing over my needle and sure enough the dang needle was sticking out. I pushed it in and grabbed a saline flush to see if it was in, and thank GOD I had blood return in the line, indicating it was in place. My upper right arm had crust all over it from where the chemo had dried and around the port was crusty from chemo. I cleaned it up, put on another dressing over the needle and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep! In the morning (about 30 minutes later) I got out of bed to google what chemo does to your skin...it burns. I have found that out now. I have an area over my port that is burned, but overall it wasn't too bad. Just an experience I don't want to go through again! I have to admit, that at 4 am when this was taking place, my initial reaction was to pull the needle and dispose of the rest of the chemo. But...I fight on! This stuff is going to do it's job!

Friday I went to the local hospital to get a shot of neulasta. It was at this appointment that I realized when the nurse asked me what medications I was on, that I realized I forgot to take my steroid this time. Not sure if it would have given me anymore energy, but it probably would have helped a little with dealing with the last 5 days. The shot hurt so bad I thought I would cry! I mean...I've been through quite a bit of painful things since January, and this was up there...it killed. Lucky me I get to get this shot 5 more times! So far it really hasn't affected my bones like the neupogen shots did. Saturday my arms and ribs were sore, but that has subsided and now I feel pretty good. Yesterday I did notice I was getting a mouth sore. This is an indication my white blood counts are low. I hope the neulasta kicks in and the bone marrow starts working overtime! Saturday and Sunday I was getting better, still very weak, still very tired, still felt very lazy, but didn't want to do much. Plus the diarrhea had kicked in. Yes...don't think I get away with that side effect of chemo. Here it is Monday...my last day of being 32! Tomorrow is my birthday and I am looking forward to spending it with the people I love and enjoying the day. Happy Birthday to me. :)

I smiled today because the last 5 days are over!

I smiled today because we have had friends come over to the house every night to hang out and I have enjoyed the company!

I smiled today because the house is getting done...slowly, but it is getting done!

I smiled today because I am so blessed! I have everything I could ever want!

I smiled today because we have replaced our vehicle with a different one! FINALLY!!!

Today is going to be a great day...but tomorrow will be even better! It's my birthday!

I'm passing on the cold stuff...

The neuropathy has set in along with the fatigue. I did have a nice 2 week break, but now I'm gearing up for a week of h e double hockey sticks! I already tried this morning to get the milk out to get Charly her morning drink and it sent a shock from my finger tip up my arm...yikes! I haven't been able to touch or eat anything cool, and that really drives me crazy! Today I am planning on laying around on the couch all day and just relax. I went to bed early last night because I wasn't feeling well and was hoping I could just sleep through it and keep the food in my stomach where it needed to stay (it did!). One more night of sleeping with this stupid pump and I will be set free! I can't wait.

I am going in Friday for the first of my neulasta shots. They have arranged for me to get them done at the local hospital here instead of driving into the city. The convenience will be nice...the shot will stink! Let's just hope this works.

I'm going to try to nap a little...more later.

hmmmmm....

I have to say...things are going well. Other than being exhausted all the time and trying to get stuff accomplished at our new house, I am doing well. I miss my old home, I miss my neighbors, my friends, and my work. I want to go back to my old life...just for a day! Just to tell myself that things weren't bad then...oh, the lessons I have learned.

I will be going to get chemo tomorrow. (fingers crossed) I dread it. I hate it. I seriously want to crawl into a hole and go into a deep depression because going to chemo is the one thing that I can do without. But...I fight on. I fight for me, I fight for my husband, I fight for my baby and my family and friends...I fight for other cancer patients. I will win this.

I'm hoping the next week I feel good. It will be my 33rd birthday. 33! I can't believe it. I hope to be able to celebrate with my husband and daughter and enjoy ourselves. After that, I will be heading to Jefferson City for 3 days to work. I look forward to that and seeing everyone. I'm sure my 3 days will be full of stuff to do and people to visit with.

Over this past weekend we had a visit from a dear friend and her family from Jefferson City. It was good to get out and have fun and good to visit with them. I can't wait till they come back and look forward to our house being put together so it is more like a home!

Things keep on going and I keep on fighting...Not looking forward to tomorrow, but hoping it is a good day!

It is a good thing...

It is a good thing that tomorrow will be better than today! I anticipated today being pretty rough for me, but I would have never imagined how it really went! Today was Charly's first day of daycare...my first time getting chemo at the new place...and both of those things weren't enough...we had to start our day off totaling our car! YIKES! The good thing was that nobody was hurt! Broadsiding someone who pulls out in front of you at 40+miles an hour is not fun! Charly's neck was burned from the car seat, I have a large bruise on my knee and forearm, and my mom's foot is killing her! Yes...we have weird injuries...but overall we are all ok! I had to call the babysitter and tell her we would be late...then I had to call the cancer center and let them know as well...thing is...it turned out I didn't even get chemo today at all...so it was all for nothing, or maybe could have been avoided if we had just stayed in bed today!




That is right...no chemo today! Today was suppose to be my #7 out of 12 treatments. My blood work came back with my absolute neutrophil count being way too low for chemo. So...they have put it off a week in hopes that my bone marrow will start to work a little harder and raise my neutrophils! My new oncologist that I absolutely love, wants to start me on neulasta shots...NOT FUN! I took the neupogen shots my first go around with chemo, and they hurt so bad. The actual shot isn't what is horrible...it is the severe bone pain you get for about 3-4 days that just about cripples you! I am not looking forward to that! The neulasta is similar to the neupogen, but a little stronger...that scares me!

The plus side of having to delay my chemo, is that I won't have to have my #8 treatment on my birthday! The down side is that it just drags it out a little longer, and throws my schedule off completely! But...just like everything else in my life...I just have to go with it!

It will give me the week to get some things done around the house (and Lord knows there is a lot to do!)...get some painting started...put some stuff away...and maybe take a nap or two in between trying to get some work done from home for my real job!

So...overall today wasn't that great, but I still smiled because:

~I paid 30.00 yesterday for a train set for Charly, and it was the best 30.00 I have EVER spent! She played with it for hours!


~I don't know...maybe I get a new car???

~We have a friend coming over for dinner!

~I have another week of feeling good! :)

C.R.A.Z.Y.

PHEW....things have been C.R.A.Z.Y.!!!! I can't seem to find the time to get on the computer anymore to blog. I also have had some writers block...I just don't want to write...and more than that, I don't want to write about how I'm feeling or cancer. I hate to even type out the word!

I have 2 days till I start my next round of chemo...I absolutely dread it. Although this time around is much much much better on me physically, I find that it is a little tougher mentally. I am exhausted most of the time and when I start to feel better and almost back to normal, it is time for another round and I absolutely DREAD it! I hate to be hooked up to that stupid pump. I really really REALLY want to be done with chemo!

I have been actually feeling really well! I hate that I am constantly asked by my family and friends how I am feeling, or how am I doing...this absolutely drives me crazy! Although I know that they really just care and are concerned with how I am doing, it is a constant reminder that things just aren't right...that I am sick! I look alright...sometimes I feel alright...and I do a good job of hiding it when I am not. If you ask me how I am doing...my answer will always be that I am doing well...even when I am not. Don't get me wrong...I love that I am cared about, that people genuinely want to know how I am feeling and doing...I'm just pretty sick and tired of this cancer crap all together. I tend to want to put it back in the corner of my mind tucked away and only think about it when I have to! I. Hate. Cancer.

Anyway...

The move has gone pretty well! I can't complain! We were blessed to have so many people help us out...dinner brought over, help with packing, help with cleaning, help with unloading, help with Charly...it is truly a blessing that we have such wonderful friends and family!

I'm hoping to get some stuff put away around the house this week. Charly will start going on Monday to a new babysitter here, and with her out of the house I hope we can get stuff put away, walls painted, and the house to a livable state! I do love my new house, and more than that I absolutely am loving the fact that we are so close to our family! Charly and I walked down the street yesterday morning to my brothers house to visit with them! My brother lives on the same street...just about 7 houses away! I'm pretty sure due to this move and the fact that we are so close to my brother and his family, we have now acquired 3 more kids...and I love it!

I'm going to try to enjoy the next 2 days and will probably be posting more this week when I am laid up with a stupid pump and probably not feeling well! Enjoy your Sunday!

~I have already smiled today (and it is only 5:20 am)...because it is my 9 year anniversary! I have the best husband ever!

Round 2 and some news...

Round 2 of chemo is complete...I only have 6 more to go! I am amazed that a month has already flown by...I am amazed that it is already August! I apologize for not being on here lately...things have been crazy, and I will fill you in! Time is going by so fast!

Last Tuesday (last blog post), was a rough day for me! It was very unusual for me to feel so ill on my first day of chemo, but I did. I spent the evening throwing up, while everyone else finished up last minute packing....

Last Wednesday, I woke up to a 101 degree temperature. I was SICK! I got up, got as dressed as I could (just managing to sit up out of bed was a chore)...and I then headed to my friends house to spend the day on her couch. And I did...the ENTIRE day! Half way through the day my fever broke, and I did start to feel better. While I laid on the couch my house was being loaded into a U-Haul trailer by Andrew, my mom, brother and some really great friends. I mean, who is willing to take the day off work and load a truck in 100 degree heat? We have some amazing friends!Needless to say, they did a great job packing, and I had a friend come clean the house, and the house looked great. I was sad to leave it, but ready for our new adventure! We had a great evening at our friends house having dinner and hanging out! While we were still in Jefferson City, Charly had left for Leavenworth with my mom, and my brother was driving the U-haul packed full of my house!

Last Thursday was a big day for us...we were to close on our house in Jefferson City at 9 am (which took 2 1/2 hours), and then pack up both of our vehicles and drive 3 1/2 hours to sign for our new house in Leavenworth. Traditionally, Thursday-Saturday of Chemo our my worst days, but I made it through the day with a little help from some Zofran and lots of help from answered prayers! We have signed on both houses and that evening everyone came to help us unload and celebrate with pizza!

Friday I spent most of the day laying around and a little of the day helping unpack boxes. I never could have imagined how much STUFF is in a house! Andrew left early in the evening after spending the day unpacking boxes, to head back to Jefferson City for his weekend Guard Drill. I cuddled up in bed with my 2 year old and got a great nights sleep!

Saturday was the most amazing day ever, and I was feeling really good!!!!! I have pictures to post, but right now I have temporarily lost track of where my camera is! My family and I packed up our vehicle to drive 4+ hours to the benefit my friends had put together for me! I did not know what to expect...and what we encountered far exceeded anything I could have imagined! My friends had come together to WORK their tails off waiting tables, collecting money, washing dishes, cooking, auctioning off items, you name it...they were busting their rumps for ME! The benefit was a HUGE success!!! Just from the check I recieved for the donations from the meals 314 people ordered dinner meals that contributed to my benefit! The auction was unbelievable...people were paying crazy money for baked goods, one of which was my father-in-law, who decided to pay 350.00 for a tray of cinnamon rolls! It truly was a great time! The envelope of money that I got added up to be OVER 6,000.00!!!!!! I could never thank everyone enough! The money will definitely help with paying off the rest of my medical bills, and my upcoming trip to Houston! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I have said it before and I will say it again...I have the best friends ever! EVER!!!!

Sunday could not top Saturday...(I mean, what could???)...I did spend the day relaxing as much as I could...I was WORN OUT! Plus by the middle of the day it was catching up to me and I was not feeling well. It was a good thing I was at my mom's house, close to a bed and more importantly, close to a bathroom! Overall, I would have to say, this chemo round was not too bad. If they are all like this, I will make it through with flying colors! It definitely helps to know I have such an amazing support system! You guys rock!

So...things are a little crazy now for me! I can't find the laundry soap...I didn't know where my silverware was until last night when I found it in a box of Charly's feather boas....yep...moving is horrible! I can't wait to get my house together, get our lives to normal...to be able to RELAX!!! I am thankful for all the help I have been given! Really this cancer has taught me how important having friends and family close are. How much you need people, and how much people need you! I can't wait to be able to pay forward!!!

We are heading back to Jefferson City today after my first oncology appointment in KC! I will blog and let you know how that goes! Again...sorry about the delay...things have been crazy!