What is that you say????

If I'm not writing about good news, I'm writing about bad news.  Today I had an appointment with an audiologist.  My hearing has been bad.  It has been determined that the Oxaliplatin I was on with my first round of Chemo caused Ototoxicity and it was confirmed today that I have significant permanent hearing loss in both ears!  To put a number on it would look like 50 percent hearing loss.  The good news is that I ordered hearing aids today....I was thrilled to do so and did it almost immediately after they put them in my hears to give me an idea of what I would be experiencing using hearing aids....they were amazing.... like night and day....I was sold on them...even to the tune of 4090.00 out of pocket expense (and that is after my insurance covers 2500.00).  WOWSA!  Good thing I found out after Christmas, because my husband would not have surprised me with the most amazing dining room table (I picked out) if he knew he would be forking out some big moola for hearing aids.  So, even though I am only 34 years young and SHOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THIS....I am actually pretty excited to hear again.  I recently went to a movie with Andrew and probably didn't hear half of what the movie said.  January 7th I will get my new ears. 

Ten days after I get my new ears I will be heading into surgery for my liver resection.  My surgery has been scheduled for January 17th at 8 am.  I am to be there at 615.  PLEASE write it down on your calendar to remember to say a quick prayer for me.  I am looking forward to getting rid of this cancer, but not looking forward to surgery and healing....it is just a pain in the butt.  I am however VERY excited that I am done with my chemo for a little while.  I needed a break in a bad way.  It was wearing on me and this last round really hit me hard.  I spent an entire week in the same outfit laying in the same position on the same couch.  When I did decide I needed a shower and a change of clothes on the 4th day I hopped in the shower and the shear energy it took to wash my hair combined with the heat of the shower made me sick.  So sick I couldn't finish bathing and got out of the shower vomiting and sicker than a dog.  I then decided another day of filth would be ok.  I did however manage to shower finally, change clothes and was on the road to recovery.  My Christmas was wonderful and I felt 60% well....the only real pain was from the horrific mouth sores I got and am still dealing with.  It however does not stop me from eating (even with the pain)....so really it isn't that bad.  Although tonight I did not partake in the chips and salsa at the mexican restaurant due to the pain.  Life goes on and every day is a little better than the day before.  I am so glad I will get a break from the chemo and even the recovery from surgery will be a piece of cake (I hope).  I will have 6 more rounds of chemo after my surgery and was suppose to have an added chemo which I am considering not taking since there is no known benefit to taking it.  I am just tired of chemo.  For those that are on a maintenance chemo for life I feel your pain and struggle and pray for you!  It is something that I wish upon noone!

So...I'm on the road to recovery and feeling pretty good.  I have been blessed with some amazing friends that continue to support me with positive energy and amazing surprises that keep me going.  It just helps to know that I am thought of and loved and I couldn't be more blessed.  This cancer stuff has really opened my eyes and my heart and changed me forever.  I have another appointment this Friday with the surgeon.  I'm not expecting to find anything out I didn't already know, and consider it more of a "lets just meet one last time before I slice you open and work on your liver" kind of appointment.  If I find anything out I will inform.  Until then...not sure how much I will be writing, as I really would rather enjoy my semi good and good days with my daughter and husband and family and friends....Life is so great.  I am thankful I can keep a positive outlook on life amid all this crap.  Thank you for helping me do that! 

57 % ain't to shabby!

Yesterday deserved a blog post!  It was a great day with great news for me.  I went in to St. Lukes in the morning for an MRI of my abdomen and a CT scan of my chest.  I didn't expect to hear anything since I have an appointment to meet with my Oncologist this Friday (tomorrow).  My phone rang at 12:43 pm.  How do I know that?  That is the exact time I had a mini heart attack when I saw that my doctor was calling.  I love her, but I hate to get calls from her...I never know what she is going to tell me.  This time it was good news.  My tumor has shrunk 57% since starting this chemo regimen.  The amazing and miraculous thing is that this chemo is not meant to shrink the tumor but to just keep it from getting larger or growing.  It isn't unheard of to have a tumor shrink on this chemo, but it is not its initial purpose.  I prayed the entire time during my CT scan and MRI for miraculous healing, and I believe that my prayers were answered.  Even though there is still a tumor there, it has shrunk and it can be removed, and I consider that miraculous healing!  Thank you Lord! 
I will meet with my oncologist tomorrow and let you know what the plan is for surgery.  Monday is my last chemo before my liver resection surgery and I could not be more excited!  I am looking forward to 3 weeks off of chemo to enjoy the holidays.  The longer I am on this chemo the harder it is on me.  I am exhausted most of the day and occasionally nauseous mostly due to the horrific taste in my mouth....but I am really doing well!  Again...I couldn't do it without the love, support and prayers from everyone!  Love you all!!!!

We are in the process of house hunting and actually put in an offer on a house yesterday.  Prayers that we get it, so that we can finally get settled into a home we love.  Currently we are staying at my parents house.  For anyone needing an address for Christmas Cards you can email me jen_koppen@hotmail.com and I will gladly send it to you.  I am not on top of things and Christmas cards have been low on the priority for me...so expect our Christmas card around February when we hopefully are settled in to a new house with a new address! 

I dread the fact that my "good" week is almost over...but look forward to having a fun weekend!  I will write more after tomorrows appointment!  Enjoy the rest of your week! 

touch and go....

Yesterday was chemo treatment number 5. It was touch and go for awhile whether I would get it or not. My counts are not bad, but I have felt pretty crappy lately fighting off this nasty cold. I'm blaming it on spending Saturday at the Preschool Christmas party at our church with my preschool nephews and daughter. Surrounded by little people is a definite recipe for desaster later when your immune system is already compromised. Whether it was from my group, some kids there or somewhere totally different, this cold sucks...but the time I spent with them was so worth it. So...yesterday they weren't sure if I would get chemo or not. I want to stay on track desperately so that I have Christmas chemo free and get my surgery in January then back at killing cancer with more chemo for 6 more rounds. I also wanted a break from it. The thing about chemo is that it just wears on you. It beats you down so much. It down right stinks. My prayers tonight are for everyone fighting this battle and going through this war. You aren't alone. I'm there with you. I may make it look easy, but it is tough. I did get my chemo. I also got 10 days worth of antibiotics to help me fight whatever nasty cold bug I have. I am thankful I am on track and now 1 day down into my pump-wearing-days. I am so blessed with some amazing people in my life that they really do pull me through these days. My daughter's birth family sent me a lovely gift and note in the mail. My sister-in-law and her fiance' made an amazing dinner for us. My rock star friend Amanda always comes through on my Monday chemo days for me with a great treat! These little things are huge in my life. They really do show how much love I am surrounded by and how much the people in my life mean to me. Surrounding yourself with amazing people is where it is at folks! I mean it when I say I love my life. I love everything about it and I am really excited for what lies ahead!

What the....

What the heck is going on here? I am suppose to be feeling good today and I'm not. I feel lousy. I can't complain because this chemo regimen has been so much kinder to me than the last one...but I lack so much energy that it doesn't take much to make me feel sick. Today I'm dealing with mouth sores, horrific heartburn and sores in my nose. This doesn't seem horrible, but I am pretty miserable and on top of it all I am sick with a cold I can't seem to shake. I'm sure my levels are low. Today feels like the pits...but I'm putting on a smile and pushing through this day bound and determined to have a great day and smile through it. Today is my families Thanksgiving and I am so excited to spend the evening with everyone and of course eating! I can't believe that Thanksgiving has already come and I'm constantly being reminded daily that "Christmas is almost here mom!" by my daughter. She is so excited and that makes me so excited. I'm thrilled that my last visit with my doctor shed some light on what lies ahead...My Christmas will be chemo free and preping for my surgery. I'm so excited about that. I have 2 more treatments and then I will be having my "cut the cancer out of my liver" surgery or liver resection...whatever sounds better to you. I prefer the "cut the cancer out..." it makes me feel better. After my next chemo treatment I will have another CT Scan and MRI to restage my cancer and find out exactly where it is so the surgeon can map out his plan for surgery. CT scans scare me now. I dread them. You NEVER know what they are going to show and what news you are going to get. I'll never go into another CT scan with confidence again. I have however come to love surgeries...since they do save my life. This surgery will be welcomed! It is kind of horrible to walk around KNOWING you have cancer inside you. The scary thing to me is that cancer has a mind of its own. It can respond to treatment, or it can't. It can spread like wildfire or it can lay dormant. It can disappear or it can grow. And I don't know what my cancer does. It drives me crazy sometimes. Most of the time though I pray about it and know that I am in great hands. It is because I am a believer that I can get through my days with smiles and a happy heart and know that I am already healed. The only change that I will be making after my surgery is adding that additional chemo to my regimen. This is the chemo that can cause severe acne. I'm thrilled about it *sarcasm*...but whatever it takes I'm there. Overall I am doing well. Busy with moving since we sold our house and busy looking for a new place, and finding time to lay on the couch and recover in between. I have been doing well. I appologize for not writing more. I will try to do better. My hair is still hanging in there although thinning quite a bit and I really don't have much "juicy" news to report. I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving because there is so much to be thankful for! Love you all!

In the midst...

I'm in the middle of my good week. It feels great. I haven't written in awhile because I have been feeling pretty good, had a case of writters block (which I really haven't come out of, so this may be pretty boring), and to top things off we are throwing in a sale of our home, a move and a possible purchase of a new home...all in the next few weeks. Yeah...we like to keep things interesting. There is no time like now to do what you want! :) We have wanted to sell our home since we moved. It just never felt like home to us, and of course we fought so hard to keep it not a home since we dearly loved everything Jefferson City did for us. Our friends, Our home, Our jobs...OUR LIFE! But...we have come to accept that we are here for awhile and we need to find a "home" that we both enjoy... and we may have done that. :) Fingers and toes crossed and of course prayers that things go the way they are suppose to. Of course we know it is not our way...but God's way...and of course He sometimes has other plans for our life. He has made that quite clear to me. :) My counts have been great and this regimen of chemo is much kinder to me. There is a 20% chance that I will not loose all my hair but only have a thinning...and so far I may be headed down that road. I really didn't want to write about my hair loss because I fear that the minute I do, I've jinxed myself. I was never a superstitious person until I got cancer...now I have to think about every move I make. I won't be ringing the bell at the infusion center when I'm done with this round of 12 treatments to signify that I am done. I will also live the rest of my life with this port. There are just some things that I will do different. Did ringing the bell or taking out my port cause my cancer to come back? I'm a fairly smart person and logically I have to say NO they didn't...but then of course...YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I LEFT THE PORT IN OR DIDN'T RING THE BELL. Now everything is a hesitation. I don't want to talk about my hair loss. I will tell you...I am blessed with a very thick head of hair. It is shedding like crazy...but I still have it. I'm hoping to hold on to it. You will know if I loose it. The End. Besides all the sleeping I do during my chemo week, I am actually getting by pretty well. My mom says I sleep for 50 minutes out of every hour and I amaze myself that I can do that all day long and then go to bed at 7 and sleep till 7 am. It is unbelievable how fatigued you are on chemo. My daughter told my husband one day when he came home from work when he asked her what she did all day and her response was "Mom slept on the fricken couch all day". I am thankful that she has my mom and dad to hang with her while I sleep. It makes her day much better and mine too. It is really good to be here and be so close to our family. I just couldn't get by without them. I have learned that I will not be taking that extra chemo. I was fairly certain that I should be getting it based on my results, hours of research on my part and the fact that I hadn't seen my doctor in the last 2 appointment and wasn't getting the extra chemo was driving me crazy. NOBODY was listening to me. NOBODY! Finally I was prepared to call my Dr up and find out on my own what the heck was going on. I was infact correct that I should be getting it...IF and ONLY IF the tumor on my liver needed to be shrunk or could not be removed. The tumor on my liver is small and can be removed, ultimately declaring me cancer free. The chemo I am taking now (4-6 rounds) prior to my surgery and the chemo after my surgery (6-8 rounds for a total of 12) is once again being used as a preventative chemo to keep this from reoccuring. I did discuss with my doctor that I would prefer to do the 6 treatments and then have surgery, so that I can go through the Christmas holiday off of chemo and have surgery around the second week of January. She wanted me to have my surgery after this next chemo treatment, which will be chemo number 4. I have an appointment this Friday to have labs drawn and meet with my doctor to discuss what the plan will be. I will keep you informed. I told you this would be a boring post. I don't really have any good juicy details to report. I have dealt with a few mouth sores and had some nose bleeds and sores in my nose, but besides that and all the sleeping, I have been able to keep from being too sick. It has been pretty nice. I didn't even cry last week during my chemo week, and that is a change. It was nice. I continue to have so much love and support around me and friends and family constantly holding me up and carrying me through this battle. I couldn't do it without you! Love you all!

My Sunday night cry...

I don't even feel like crying, I just want to stop the clock for awhile. I am definitely not ready for tomorrow. I have felt so good (minus the hike my mom made me do on Tuesday that left me physically disabled for 3 days). Did I just give away how out of shape I am???? I learned that you can't be sick and sleep all week long and then the next week run a marathon (or maybe just a giant hill!)... so...on my next good week, my daily walks will not include any mountains. It did feel good to get out in the cool air and walk with my parents...but next time I'm going to be a little kinder to myself. My goal was to walk every day on my good week. That didn't happen. I will work on that goal on my next good week! :) I have felt so good this week I just want to shout it and let everyone know. I do not feel like I have cancer. It really is so wierd. Sometimes I have to sit back and think...is this a bad dream? Then of course I have my stomach to look at and that is a quick reminder of what I have been through and how much further I still have to go. For those of you that have prayed for my friend. I have learned that prayers are powerful. Thank you. The news received was better than expected and my friend definitely has more hope. This week will be surgery for my friend. Please Please Please Please Please say a prayer for the doctors, nurses, staff, the family and my friend. Surgery is scary, and when you have cancer mixed in with it...it makes it even scarrier. You never know what you will find or what news you are going to hear. I love you friend. You will be ok, I promise! Praying for you daily and thinking of you all the time. I'm praying that my week ahead is better than my last bad week. I think my body is really starting to get use to this stuff (again) and it gets better as the time goes on. I'm not saying it is fun...just tolerable. I'm not as sick...maybe more tired and fatigued than anything...and oh...yeah...I have the hair loss to still look forward to. There is a slim slim slim chance I will only thin...but we all know that my luck ran out when I adopted that beautiful baby...so now I have a bald head to look forward to. OH LORD! Enjoy your week. I am so thankful for my family and friends that have been a huge support for me. Jan Glick, thank you for dinner. Meg, Donna, and Eileen we are so thankful for the meals you have provided. Mom...you are my everything...thank you for loving me enough to raise my daughter on my bad weeks for me when I am too tired and she could get away with anything. You have gone through this every step of the way with me and I can't love you or thank you enough. The gifts you have mailed to me are TOO much, but very much appreciated, and brighten my day! Amanda E., you are such a rock star. Your gifts before my chemo weeks make Monday's more tolerable. Cindy S., you are the only person I know that gives gifts to other people when it is YOUR birthday. Thank you for being my sunshine! You got me through and continue to get me through tough times. I love you guys so much. These are just a few of the people that have affected me this past week. I am so blessed. It definitely takes a village to raise a cancer survivor! Thank you!!!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow

My labs are great. This chemo is much kinder to me on my blood counts. So far I have not had to take the neulasta shots. I am so thankful for that. My appointment today went well. My port was accessed with no problem and my blood counts were good, which keep me on track with my chemo. If I can manage to stay on track I will be done with my 6 treatments right before Christmas and then have chemo free Christmas and New Years and sometime around the second week in January I will have my surgery. I think that is perfect timing. Although sometimes I stop and think that I am walking around with cancer in me...on my liver...and just want it OUT...I know that the "plan" for the chemo before surgery is a good one...and considering the cancer on my liver is small, I am ok. I did see another doctor today since my doctor has been out for the last 3 weeks. This new doctor was great. She walked in and was amazed I still had my hair. I just laughed. I'm serious...there is someone out there that really REALLY REALLY wants me to loose my hair. Well...they will get their wish. There is a slight chance I will only get a heavy thinning...like 10-20%, but knowing me...My luck and the way I tend to go through life...I will go bald. I'm ok with that. I mean... I have to be. I mean... I'm really NOT ok with it...but I dont' have a choice. My vote doesn't count. The hardest part is going to have to explain this to my daughter. Nobody should have to do that. I know my daughter...she will not take it well. So...I'm going to enjoy what time I have left with my hair. Enjoy your weekend!

Confidence...

Confidence is a funny thing. Tomorrow I will have an appointment, just like I do every other week to get my labs drawn and meet with the doctor. I am confident that I will have great numbers in my labs and that I will be able to proceed to chemo treatment number 3. The problem is that confidence is funny...I can feel so great and my numbers can be so crappy...this has happened before. I'm praying it doesn't happen again. I have had a great "good" week. I feel so good. At least I think I do. I mean...really...I'm not sure what good feels like anymore, but for my sake...I feel great! So please pray for me...I really want to stay on track and get my chemo on Monday and go into my crappy week...because I want to win this fight. I have been devastated this week with news of a dear friend struggling with some bad news. I want so badly to write about it, because writing for me is so therapeutic and my heart is really hurting for this friend but I also respect the way other people deal with things ... and so I just ask for special prayers for those dealing with hard times and struggling with bad news and especially for good news for my friend, who desperately needs it. I have been blessed with the love and support from so many and am ready to do the same for someone else in need! Thank you for showing me that there is so much good in people and that I can in return do to others what has been shown to me. It is so amazing how something as horrible and devastating as cancer can be such a blessing. I have had relationships blossom and grow and have become friends with some amazing people who have been there for me from day 1 and continue to fight with me. This is not a battle I can fight on my own. I have always relied on the support and love from my family and friends. For those that have been affected by cancer, they know first hand how important it is to have a support system. It is essential in winning this fight. It feeds your confidence, and confidence is a funny thing. You need it to win. You need it to be confident in your faith and in your fight with cancer. It is out of your hands...and you need to be confident that you will win. Thanks to every one of you that read this, pray for me, send letters, cards, emails, texts, gifts, food, surprises...I have truly been blessed with cancer...and although I will kick its ass...I am thankful for what it has shown me, for opening my eyes, softening my heart and for making me a better person. Cancer sucks...there is no way around that...but If you look for the good in things...it is there. I have found it. To my dear friend...I love you. I am here for you. I will get you through this, just like others have been there for me and carried me through tough times. You will feel so alone sometimes and you will have bad days, but your eyes will be opened and you will see what I see. Life is so precious. You have so many around you that are here for you and we love you. You need to remember that and know that you are not alone. Today was a fantastic day for me...I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Another day spent at the cancer center is another day I get to spend time with my mom...and I love that. Here is my number one reason for kicking cancers arse: My own personal Dora the Explorer...

Lets just say I'm OK!

It is 4:30 a.m.....I have been awake all night. I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I had a nice long Sunday afternoon nap, or if it is because of the pain I have from mouth sores or if it is some kind of insomnia. It is awful. I just want to snuggle up in my bed next to my 3 year old and sleep. That is not going to happen though. Instead I write! Last week was chemo treatment #2. It was the pits. I came home from my infusion and spent the evening on the couch with cool rags on my head and neck and just feeling bad. Then day 2 was a little better, but I tell you that dang pump hanging around is just an annoyance...and constant reminder...and therefore I just feel bad when I have it on. I always look forward to Wednesday and disconnecting, as does my 3 year old. She hates when I have my pump on and the entire time can not wait to help me disconnect my "medicine". She hates it just as much as I do. Anyway...Then the rest of the week was kind of a blur. Although I did not have much vomitting...I was just plain exhausted and sick. I know I start to feel better when I am not on the verge of crying and I just feel like crying because I am so worn down. By the weekend I start to feel better. I push it though with Andrew home and trying to be as "normal" as possible. My mom reminds me constantly that I am in fact not "OK" as I tell people when they ask how I am doing. I just really don't want to respond every time with "I feel like this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me", (but I don't want to say that because I know it could always be worse)...or what I really want to say "...(lots and lots of cuss words)...". Really I am just happy that I am done with chemo number 2. I try not to focus on the long journey I have ahead of me...instead I live for the week that I feel good (and "good" is relative). I am pretty good at looking as normal as possible when I have to... and acting like I feel normal. I'm not sure what normal feels like anymore to tell you the truth. Those that see me chemo week, know that I am in fact not "normal". The lack of showering and clothing change is an indication. I do however brush my teeth...and that is a big deal! By the time I can shower again (remember I can't shower with my pump Monday-till disconnect)...I am already so exhausted that a shower just seems like a lot of work...so I go another day and then I'm even worse...and another day leads to another day and before you know it...I am a hideous mess. Please...I'm warning you now...don't come see me on chemo week! It is not a pretty picture. Thank goodness I have a "good" week in between my bad weeks... Right now I am feeling pretty good. I am just dealing with some mouth sores that are pretty painful. They don't look bad at all, but I think I am convinced now that the reason I am not sleeping is because my mouth is in pain. If it isn't one thing it is another, so I really can't complain. I am very thankful that I have not lost my hair. (I know I just friggen jinxed myself by typing that...and I'm sure I will regret it...) I don't know who I need to remind, but let me just say it again...this girl will not look good bald...so I urge you all...positive thoughts and prayers my way, that this head of hair I have will stay. It will not only make me a happy girl, but it will make this world a more beautiful place! :) I'm looking forward to a great week. It is Halloween on Wednesday, and although that happens to be day 10 of my treatment regimen...I'm going to pray that it doesn't interfere with my plans for trick-or-treating with one very excited Dora the Explorer. Have a great week. Let your loved ones know you love them and hug them all a little tighter.

RED FACED...

Today I have been very red faced and flushed. I think it has something to do with my steroids and premeds that they pump me full of before I start my chemo. I'm thankful that the sun is starting to go down...that means one more night of sleeping with this pump and then I will be disconnecting tomorrow. I have not slept well the last 2 or 3 nights. That makes for long days and for someone that is already worn out because of the chemo it makes things worse. I need a good nights sleep. I look forward to disconnecting. Chemo number 2 went as scheduled. I did not get the extra chemo just yet. I will discuss with my oncologist next Friday if I will start it or not. I was thrilled not to get it and even happier that I got out of the infusion center in record time. The only down side to that was my dear friend Amanda had a surprise to deliver to me at the infusion center and I had already left for the day. It did show up later at my door and definitely made my day. I can't begin to tell you how blessed I am with the love and friendships that surround me. Our meals for the week have been provided by Jan, Shirley and Jessica and we have eaten WELL! The meals have been life savers, as this week is never very good for me. I usually do pretty well for the first 2 1/2 days, but as soon as I made it home from the infusion center straight to the couch I went for the rest of the night. It kicked my booty yesterday and in turn I fought back and kicked it today! Today has been a good day. Although I look like a cherry tomatoe... I feel pretty good, other than the exhaustion. If I over do it I can tell I start to get sick. I keep on my Zofran and Ativan RELIGIOUSLY for the first 3 or so days. They help. Thank God for them. I am thankful that although we really really really miss our home in Jefferson City and all our friends...we are here close to family and equally great friends! This makes it so nice. I can't ask for more. Tomorrow is disconnect day and I already know that even though today was a good day...tomorrow will be even better. :)

labs and more chemo...

quick update: Yesterday I had an appointment for labs. I am happy to report that although my blood counts are low I will be able to get treatment number 2. This is HUGE. As much as I do not look forward to it...I REALLY need it! This will keep me on track and that is good. I also got the results of my CEA level (which did go up) and the result of the biopsy to see if it has the KRAS mutation. Apparently I do not have the KRAS mutation in my liver and you would think that is a good thing, except I think now it means I will be getting an additional chemo call Cetuximab which will not only keep me at the infusion center longer but also comes with a lovely side effect of a pimply rash on your face, chest and back! So...not only do I get to look forward to loosing my hair...I also will get to look 13 again! I do appreciate those brilliant minds that created the treatment for colon cancer...I just wish they would work on the side effects a little more! :) Enjoy your weekend...I know I will!

JUST A LITTLE GREY SPOT...

If talking about cutting part of your liver out was something everyone did then this blog would be boring!

Here is the CT that shows the shaded grey spot on my liver that turned out to be cancer. I met with the Liver Surgeon today and he actually put me at ease. I mean, as much at ease as anyone can who is talking about cutting out your liver like it was something he does every day. I kind of think he does though...so it was no big deal to him. Actually...he told me on a scale of 1-10 for difficulty this would be a 3 and that he would treat it like a 10 (as he said he treats all his surgeries). I loved that! He definitely won me over. I went in there not liking him from the start. I mean...who really is good enough to cut you open and save your life? I'm glad I didn't have to choose that... and God was really looking out for me when he brought Dr. T and I together that winter day in January of 2011. Dr. T saved my life...and I'm really praying this surgeon does too! Today was different...I have the opportunity to plan this surgery and choose a surgeon. I will continue to pray about it. I do believe that this will be my surgeon. The surgery is only planned to take 1 1/2 hours and I should only be in the hospital 3-5 days...and I promised him I would be out by day 3. I came home from my consult with the liver surgeon to this:

What a fabulous surprise! Made my day! Enjoy your evening and drink a glass of beer or wine for me...I'm going to have to pass since I'm trying to save my liver! Love you all!

DAY 10 BEHIND A LOCKED DOOR

I have some updating to do...It has been approximately 10 days...maybe a bit more. The reason I know that is I was warned of day 10 on this chemo. They were right. I'll get back to that...and lets start at the beginning. Well, the beginning of this chemo...THIS time around. I cried my eyes out with my husband the night before my chemo treatment. Yes, I do cry. Something to do with being diagnosed with cancer and then having to go through hell and beyond and coating it with some chemo will tend to make a girl cry....probably a guy too! :) I tell you people...I am really not as strong as you think. The tears do help. Anyway...back to crying the night before...I did this because I knew (or had a good idea) of how I was going to be feeling the next day and I didn't like it. I have been feeling so good great(even with cancer growing inside of me) and then to be knocked down is just devastating. I tell you...this time around I am not as peppy as before, but I do think I have a bit more bite to me. I am super pissed this stuff came back and really super pissed that it has bullied its way into my life...mostly because it affects nearly everyone around me just as much (if not more) than it affects me. I hate that for them. I hate that for me. I hate cancer. SO... my husband and I showed up to the infusion center. We were the first ones there. My appointment was at 8 am. I was ready to just get it started and over with. I didn't anticipate having to get my freshly placed port accessed 3 times...let me repeat that THREE TIMES...and it didn't feel good. It would have been one thing if this was the worst part of my day, but it wasn't...that came when I got hooked back up to that STUPID pump that I have to carry around for 46 hours. I know it is 46 hours because there is a count down on the pump...that I watch regligiously...I also hate that thing. It is a constant reminder of the fact that I have this nasty horrid stuff flowing into my body and then when I disconnect it is almost a mean joke. I feel pretty good the days the pump is on...except for the fact that I have to be connected to it...and then when I disconnect, that is when I start to feel bad. I did that last time too. This time things were a little different but not much... I absolutely did not have any neuropathy or cold sensitivity...DID NOT HAVE IT AT ALL!!! In fact I drank ice cold water while I was being infused with the chemo at the cancer center and that was my way of giving it the finger. I guess the fact that having neuropathy and cold sensitivity is not a side effect helps though! So...the side effects were discussed with me prior to my infusion... Some of the chemo I get is called Irinotecan and in other words, like my nurse described, it can also be known as "i-run-to-the-can". She loaded me up with lots of premeds, this time to include Atropine to help with stomach cramping and diarrhea that she told me I could possibly get immediately...I didn't! Thank goodness. Mostly because I still do have a fear of going number 2 in public...but also the bathroom at the infusion center does not have a lock on it "FOR PATIENT SAFETY" and that just does not make me feel safe and/or comfortable enough to go number 2. So I was lucky (thank you GOD for that blessing) that I did not have diarrhea at the infusion center. They did tell me that if I didn't get it immediately I would get it on day 10. They were right. RIGHT ON THE MONEY! I will spare you the details, but know that I was safe and comfortable behind a locked door! So yesterday was day 10 and I skipped a bunch of days in there. The first week was filled with lots of FATIGUE, VOMIT and NAUSEA...so it wasn't much fun. The great part of the week was full of meals from my mom and mother-in-law which helped out tremendously. I also managed to schedule an appointment with a liver surgeon that I will go to today. Kinda nervous about this appointment...but if it involves a trip to WORLD MARKET with my mom it will make everything better. :) I like to forget about my first week and go directly to week 2. I feel much better week 2 (minus day 10...and really that only affected me for half of the day)...with mostly just some fatigue and slight nausea and upset stomach. I have managed to keep my hair so far, but I am not out of the clear and every day that I see hair fall out I weep inside a little more. Believe me...this girl will not look good bald...so for whoever out there is really wanting me to loose my beautiful hair...I beg you to reconsider. We did have a great Monday with Andrew home thanks to his new 4 day work week. I just love the time we have together. It really does mean more to me now than it ever did. I never took having a family for granted. I struggled to have a family. I couldn't have been blessed with a more perfect daughter for me or a more perfect dad for her. I am thankful for the struggles in my life for the lessons they have taught me. I would however be ok with a few years of no lessons... But... the reward from learning is so sweet. So I go on. One day at a time! That is all we have...today! Nothing is guaranteed. Treasure it. Own it. LOVE it. most importantly...LIVE it!

I couldn't be more thankful for the fact that I am not further into my treatment this mtime of year. I'm not sure how crappy I will feel the further into it I go...but I'm sure it will not be fun. This is my favorite month. I love October. I love Halloween. Yes...that is me...the mom that loves to scare her child in the Halloween Store or the aisle at Walmart with the costumes and masks. I know I will probably go to hell for it...but I can't help myself! I love this time of year. I can't NOT buy the fake poop and gummy boogers and fake bubba teeth. Yes...that was me in church with the bubba teeth in...and I did give gummy boogers to some little boys I know and love down the street and I had to use the fake poop on the other little boys I know and love. I of course had to include a picture of the poop I put on my nephew William's library book. Hillarious...I know. I will do anything for a good laugh! :)

So now that day 10 is behind me...I have a great weekend to look forward to. It is going to be packed full of things to do with some amazing time spent with my family. Then...again...Sunday night I will be the one bawling my eyes out because bright and early Monday morning I will start treatment number 2. Pray for me. I need the prayers. If you are a prayer warrior...just take a second after you are done reading this and talk to God...He is taking care of me and I'm sure doesn't need any reminders...but it can't hurt right? I am a big advocate of prayers. When I tell someone I will pray for them...I do. I usually spend most of my time on facebook praying for people. I will stop whatever I am doing...and talk to God. It only takes a few seconds. So...if you are someone who says they pray for people and really don't do it...might want to try what I do. When you write it down or tell someone that...at that moment...take a second and just talk to God. He listens. Always! I will report back soon... maybe with details on my appointment today. Pray it goes well! :) (that means stop what you are doing and say a quick prayer) :) Love you guys. You mean the world to me!

A Vacation would be nice!

Once you are diagnosed with cancer...you always have it. What I mean by that is...every little pain, every hurt, every abnormal, every weird feeling...you immediately think cancer. At least for me anyway. It is an awful way to live. You live in fear. Your life has been shortened already by someone telling you "you have cancer". I hate to even write this. I hate to put these thoughts to words. These are the thoughts that I try to ignore. These are the thoughts that I let other thoughts overpower. Instead I like to think of beating the odds and finding a cure and watching my daughter grow up and making it to my 15 and even 20 year anniversary...and my 30 and 40 would even be better. I like to think of vacations that we will have and watching my nephews grow up and spending time with my family and friends and holidays...I can't wait for holidays. The funny thing is that I never really liked Christmas. I hated the fact that we gave gifts when there were so many others suffering with nothing. I hated the fact that during the holidays there were family fights or arguments or hurt feelings, when there are people that would give anything to spend one more holiday sitting around the livingroom with their loved ones just talking and enjoying their company. Thank you cancer for changing my mind. Thank you for letting me go into the holiday season just enjoying what we have and who we are with and along with that knowing that I can enjoy the holiday AND try to help others too. It is so sad that it takes something so horrible like cancer to really soften your heart. I learned so much with my first diagnosis, but I still took things for granted. I never really thought I was going to die. I just expected a long hard road to get better.... now I kind of take things a little more serious. I have learned things already this time around too. I have learned so much about peace and love and how really this is so out of my control that I have to just go with it and give it to God. Tomorrow is chemo day. Please say a prayer for me that I tolerate it well, that I have minimal side effects, that I get to spend some great time with Andrew during my 6 hour infusion, that the 46 hours I have the pump go by so fast, especially since I can't take a shower :), that I can experience peace, that the CHEMO does its job, and that the doctors and nurses at the cancer center go to work knowing that their patients don't want to be there and need them to show kindness and love, and a prayer that Charly has a great day with her grandma while I am gone. Enjoy your Sunday evening. Today was a great day...but tomorrow will be so much better!

Don't be alarmed...we've made it to STAGE 4

It has taken me a day to collect my thoughts and get off of google. GOOGLE is like the worst thing possible when you have been given some tough news to swallow about your health. The first thing I do is google everything I can possibly find on the topic...so yesterday I googled lots of "STAGE 4", "METASTASIS TO THE LIVER", "POSSIBLE TREATMENTS FOR STAGE 4 COLON CANCER", "LIVER RESECTION SURGERIES", "CHEMO, CHEMO, AND MORE CHEMO" and then when it got to things like "PROGNOSIS" and "LIFE EXPECTANCY"...I STOPPED! Do me a favor...don't do it. Don't even go there. Because I am not one of them...I am different. I really believe that. So...I take back that whole sentence a few blogs away about being a recurrance (which it still is), and how it wasn't considered a metastasis (which in fact it is). I was just hoping and clinging to every word that made it not as painful. I am in fact a stage 4 and it has now technically metastasized to my liver. (Both of which my doctor says not to let it scare me) I saw it with my own two eyes. It didn't look very threatening and I immediately knew that I had the strength to beat that. I have never had doubts. I am going to make it. My doctor feels that too. She is so kind. She is so straight forward and very honest with me. When we sat down to discuss the test results and the new diagnosis she was scaring me a bit, until my mom asked her if this is something I am going to come out of and beat and she said of course it is. This is very curable. The spot I have on my liver is not only small but is contained. The plan of attack for this is a new chemo. Very similar to my old chemo but less side effects and of course... more hair loss. So, when I start loosing my hair I expect lots of cool scarfs and hats to come flooding in my mail. :) I will not (or should not) experience any cold sensitivity or neuropathy and that is a huge blessing. I should expect to deal with some nausea and vomiting and diarrhea and all that is tolerable and then of course...hair thinning. I am not very fond of this, but I'm thinking there is someone out there that really wants me to loose my hair, and if that is going to get me through this...I will gladly loose it. I just need to stay focused and get through this. After about 4 rounds of chemo I will have a CT scan to see if the cancer responds by not spreading and if that is the case, Surgery will be done. I am thinking December will be my liver resection surgery. If anyone has any suggestions of amazing liver surgeons I will gladly meet with them all. :) My oncologist has consulted with my doctor in Houston at MD ANDERSON and he will continue to see me when the chemo and surgery are done. I have opted not to go to MD ANDERSON for the surgery at this time. Being away from home for that long will be hard enough and to be hundreds of miles from home makes it difficult on everyone. Please throw lots of prayers my way. If the insertion of the port is any indication of how this round of kicking arse is going to go...I've got it in the bag. I have done amazingly well with this port. I haven't needed any pain meds and have not have much pain and discomfort with it at all. What a huge blessing and relief. Monday will be my first round of chemotherapy. Pray for me that it goes well and there are no side effects that surprise me. I am going into this fight physically and mentally strong. I trust in the Lord with my whole heart that he has me in his hands and that I am safe. I am the winner...He is on my side! My faith keeps me strong. My family and friends keep me strong. I consider myself blessed. Trust in the Lord always. I give this to him. The port today:

The saddest part of this weekend is not the news I was given about my health, but the news that our little foster baby boy will be going home. He has become a part of our family and we love him so much. This will be heart breaking. Please pray for Jaiden that he is surrounded by love, and cared for. He deserves it. I look at him and it makes me feel so small for even being a little upset about my diagnosis. He started his life out rough...he didn't ask to be addicted to Meth when he was born or to be infected with Hepatitis C. He is the happiest little guy despite how rough his life has already been in the short 4 months he has been here. He is one tough little nugget and such an inspiration to me. WE love him so much and pray for only the best for him.

We are opting for a break in foster parenting at this time to focus on our family and get healthy. Thank you again for the love and support. I consider myself not only to be lucky, but so blessed in everything that has come my way. I have to focus on the good out of every situation and use that to my benefit. Only positive thinking going on over here... Looking forward to a great weekend. Enjoy yours and love the ones you are with!

Port number 2

The result of ASAP today:

And oh by the way...this one will NEVER be removed. :) Here we go again...if you missed it the first time...you are getting a second chance. Today was port placement day. It has been much easier and I think that it due to having already had one. Of course...the numbness is still there, but overall I feel great. I am so looking forward to a great weekend. Monday is chemo day....stay tuned. Have a fabulous weekend and a smile on your face. Life is short...enjoy it!!!

this is what ASAP means.

It looks like when they say ASAP they weren't lying. It has been a whirlwind of a ride since I got the phone call about that pesky little spot on my liver. Which by the way, is not a metastasis but considered a recurrance. I have to say I am blessed that they have the kind of technology that can find these things before they find us. In other words...at the moment, I feel great...no symptoms at all...and that is a great thing. Now of course I am soaking up this great feeling and really going to enjoy this weekend as much as I can, because come Monday morning I will be finding myself back in the infusion center hooked back up to some chemo. It looks like ASAP means I will be getting my port put back in tomorrow at 9 am. As much as I am not looking forward to this because I remember how painful it was last time...it is almost like I'm just ready to get it started so I can get it over with. I realize I have a long road ahead of me...but the quicker I start...the quicker I can beat this. Did I mention how much I hate cancer? It also looks like ASAP means I will meet with my doctor on Thursday at 1:20 to go over what I like to call the "plan of attack". As far as I know right now the chemo will be the same, although I am wondering if they will increase the dosage a bit. If you don't remember what it was like before for me, I am one of the lucky ones that gets to experience all the side effects...even the ones that rarely ever happen to people. Yeah me! So...that means my cold liquids and foods and exposure to cold will be carefully removed from my life as much as possible. Did I mention it was going to be a highs in the 50's this weekend and I don't care I am going out for ice cream! This weekend is the Weston Apple Fest and it is one of my favorite things that I will definitely be dragging Andrew too. If you think this is rough on me...please remember to keep him in your prayers as well...it affects him just as much. Did you see the pictures from the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR 5K? I was so proud of myself and my friends and family for raising over 1800.00 toward COLON CANCER RESEARCH AND AWARENESS...now getting on board is my adorable brother...check out his facebook page :TECKLENBURG DESIGN and their website:http://www.tecklenburgdesign.com/ He has a great little spot downtown KC for the First Friday's. This friday he will be there.... and he is donating 10% of his sales to Colon Cancer Research and Awareness for me. So, if you didn't get to participate in supporting the 5K, here is your chance. Not only to help out a cause that is near and dear to my...um...colon.. :) but also to get yourself some great accessories for your house. :) Check out his letters...coffee tables...and sinks. He does lots of custom stuff and refinishing and would puts his heart and soul into it. Check him out!!!! Look for great pictures in the future...I know you guys dig em'! :) Thank you for all the love, support and encouragement...I couldn't do this without you as my support team. Love you all!

Here is the scoop....

October...my favorite month. I just love the Fall. This year October will be tainted with the bad news I received this morning. My Oncologist called to inform me that my cancer did in fact show back up in my Liver which would be a recurrence. They are running more tests on the biopsies for reasons I can't remember due to the fact that my brain shut down after the initial news....what I did remember was that I will: 1. get a port placed this week 2. meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss further what our plan is... 3. RIGHT NOW...plan is to start 3 months of chemo ASAP after my port is placed (this is to try to shrink the 1.4 cm spot and make sure there are no other spots that do not show up on the scan so that when I get to step #4 it can be a curable surgery) 4. THEN...do a liver resection surgery 5. FINALLY...finish up with some more chemo (probably 3 more months) So there you have it...not great news, but I do have to keep in mind that it can always be worse and this is doable....My brother told me after I told him the news, that I would just be bored if I wasn't fighting something...and he is probably right. I'm just a fighter by nature. ;) This time I'm going to kick this cancers arse once and for all so I can move on to other fights.... like what color to paint our bedroom, or what movie to get from the REDBOX....yeah...I like those fights better. Thanks for the prayers...keep them coming! :)

SUCH A PERFECT DAY TO GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR

MY TEAM....minus Drew, Matt, Joyce, Lou, Rebecca, and Chris.

What a perfect day to get our Rear in Gear in KC. I was thrilled that my team "TEAM KOPPEN" raised over $1800.00 to support Colon Cancer. 75% of the donations will stay locally to support colon cancer. I am thinking I would love to travel to all the GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR races and participate in them. That way I am supporting a great cause, and traveling! I'm not sure Andrew will fall for that. :) So, Thursday I had my liver biopsy and remained in the hospital for 4 hours following the procedure which was described to me by the radiologist as "high on the scale of difficult procedures due to the location of the spot on my liver." Yes...I know, I just can't do anything easy. I can't seem to catch a break in this area. ;) It was not a bad procedure minus the pressure and pain of having to go through my ribs to reach the spot....but it was done and over before I new it. Then I had to practically beg him to let me participate in the 5K on Saturday. He did finally give in if I promised not to push it and stop if I had any pain or discomfort. I completed the 5K with a 15 minute mile pace and thought that was pretty good...considering! :) One of these times I'm going to run it. :) It was such a perfect day. Thank you to all that participated and helped make it a great event. I love you all!!!! Check back for results of the biopsy soon. :)

Chapter 2...

Now that Chapter 1 is over with...I'm on to chapter 2. I had a CT Scan of the abdomen and pelvis on Friday. This Monday morning I got a call from my oncologist. For those of you who don't know...that isn't a good sign. My oncologist told me that the CT showed a spot on my liver that is 1.4 cm in diameter...it is worrisome...this spot was not there before. THEREFORE...I get to have a Liver Biopsy this week. Then if in fact it is cancer they will do a liver resection surgery (OH JOY!) AND to top it all off...a nice healthy dose of chemo again. I couldn't be happier that they found something and hopefully early enough that they can remove it...do some preventative *gag* chemo and be on my merry way....for a little longer than a year would be nice. I have just had a nice dose of what it has been like to be back to normal...feeling great and enjoying my life. Starting a new job on Monday and then WHAMMOOOOOOO....this hits me. I have said it before and I will say it again...CANCER straight sucks! I will hold my head high, fight this nasty thing and be on my way. I would appreciate in the mean time some heavy prayers my way that 1. this may possibly just be a cyst and that 2. If it is in fact cancer that it can be removed and chemo will rid my body of this demon once and for all. I needed you guys before and I will need you again. Thank you for all the support that I have...I am blessed. Now get to praying....this blog looks like it is back in business! :)

Kicking More ARSE!

First I want to say.... Thank you Dr. T and your nurse! Although I could have done without the cancer, the chemo, the bag, the surgeries, the drains,and the port....I was lucky enough to have you along for the ride. You both have been superb and made me feel nothing but comfortable in your care. I was lucky to have you on call the night I went into the ER and thankful you saved me. My colon has not been the same since we met...and I am forever thankful for you both for that! Thank you! I have come full circle...I had my chemo port removed today. Indeed a scary thing. Mostly because I do not want to jinx myself by ending this chapter...you never know what lies around the corner...but also because this chapter is done. THIS chapter that stole over a year from me. This chapter that changed my life in more ways than one. This chapter...it sucked for the most part. It is over. I am cancer free. I am all things removed and completely 100% human! I am relieved. I cannot say that I have loved all my doctors...but I have truely loved my surgeon and can say that I have had a great one! I will miss him, but am sure glad that he is done cutting on me. (something I think he thoroughly enjoys for some sick reason! :)) My trip to Jefferson City was short and sweet and I never have enough time to see all the people I want. I miss them so much. Driving back always feels like going home...and then reality sets in and I have to make the 3 1/2 hour drive back home. CRAP! I hate that... My Mom and CharlyLarry came along for the day. Lunch with my great friend Kim to catch up, shopping at the Schafer House, Initially Yours, TJ Maxx and of course...BK BAKERY! I miss Jeff City COMPLETELY! Larry was with her Jeff City babysitter Obbie...AKA THE BEST BABYSITTER IN THE WORLD! You absolutely can not meet this family and not fall in love. Charly was excited to spend part of the day with them. The port removal was quick and painless and quite amusing! My mom, who also took on role as photographer, managed to trip over the tray with all the surgical tools for the procedure and crash, bang, boom...the next thing I hear is my surgeon say to my mom, "way to go sasquatch"....HILLARIOUS! Did I mention I love my surgeon. I was impressed my mom did get some pictures and did not throw up, like the last visit we had at the office when my 10 year old nephew came along for staple removal and proceeded to vomit after seeing staples removed from my abdomen. I'm sure that office loves when I bring my posse with me! Today was a great day...I'm excited for what tomorrow will bring. I'm hoping the corners I turn from now on bring nothing but fun for me and that the next few chapters at least are good ones! :) my port...what a love/hate relationship we had. Next week...6 month oncology follow-up visit...

BEAUTIFUL

I am just so proud of this! I love my colon.

SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN....

So I didn't whine and cry about my upcoming colonoscopy too much. At least not on this blog. In fact this blog has not been a part of my regular routine anymore and it is really kind of nice. I don't feel the need to get so much off my chest. Today was the day. I had my colonoscopy. It actually started two days ago when I made the gatorade and put it in the refrigerator to chill, knowing I would be adding a full bottle of golyte prep to it and ultimately drinking it to cleanse my colon. GAG! Then yesterday at 3 pm I began the prep. One full bottle of magnesium citrate gulped down, followed by a nice chaser of 2 dulcolax pills and a swig of water. OMG. I thought at that point I would barf it all back up. I didn't. Instead I waited the scheduled hour on my instructions to begin the gatorade/golyte concoction. Half way through that (which I must admit wasn't so bad...although I will never drink another lemon/lime gatorade again) the madness started. I have to admit...having a smaller colon does have its benefits. My prep was done in half the time. I was impressed. THOROUGHLY impressed. NO CRAMPING AT ALL! Granted I had to stay mightly close to the throne, but it was not so bad. Oh...and the 5 tushy wipes that came in the colon prep kit. THAT. WAS. A. JOKE. I have learned a few things.... 1. the prep is not that bad. the worst part is the sore butt and not eating. 2. when i had a cancer tumor my stomach aches were horrendous... i have been stomach ache free since...including colon preps. 3. i understand now how my daughter feels when she has a diaper rash and i try to wipe her butt (even gently) with baby wipes. 4. it only take approximately 2 times in the bathroom to create a raw butt. HOLY COW. after the prep...i felt fine. this morning I woke up...feeling fine and headed to Saint Luke's with my mom. (I love my mom.) Oh... did I mention Andrew is gone for 3 weeks? He missed the fun! :) So... we show up... wait an hour then I head back. They accessed my port, which made me happy. I will miss that thing! SO MUCH BETTER THAN AN IV! Then after explaining to everyone how and why and what happened to me in the past year....I was greeted by my doctor (who by the way is my age!). I was ready for the procedure and the next thing I new I was getting the best propofol pumped into my port that put me in the best sleep EVER! Before I knew it I was done and looking at pictures of my BEAUTIFUL, POLYP FREE and CLEAN COLON! HALLELUJIAH! THANK YOU GOD. Even though I was told to get a colonoscopy every year for the first 3 years my GI specialist doctor told me she recommended I wait 2 years. I was not going to argue with that. And then I got dressed and hopped on the elevator to leave with my mom and had a great lunch and some fun shopping at World Market. Overall... I would recommend a colonoscopy over A. the dentist. B. a pap smear C. running a mile. It was great. I look forward to the next one. Today was a great day...tomorrow will be even better!!!!!!!! Look for upcoming post next week on my port removal! I will probably post some pictures! :) So excited for my trip to Jefferson City (AKA HOME!!!!) to see friends and my favorite Doctor!!!!

A pain in my gut...

I scheduled my 1 year colonoscopy. Then I looked up that particular doctors colon prep for the procedure. I almost cried. I'm serious. Just the thought of having to do that made my stomach turn and I thought I was going to be sick. I dread colonoscopies. I hate the prep, almost as much as I hate cancer. It isn't the procedure...it is the prep that just has me all freaked out. I don't know why. I've been around this block a time or two...but I still hate it. It is a neighborhood that I never want to go back to again. That block sucks. Colonoscopies are the devil. Enough being a cry baby for now. Believe me, you will hear about it again...as I still have 2 weeks till the procedure. I have some good news. I am getting my port removed. My all time favorite doctor will be leaving the practice and moving out of state, and I really wanted him to remove it, as he put it in. I scheduled my appointment. 1 week after my colonoscopy I will be getting my port removed. I am nervous, but very excited to be 100% human again. No physical reminders that I had cancer...oh...well, except for that ginormous scar on my abdomen. Yep...pretty sure that isn't going anywhere. As long as I refrain from looking at my stomach, I will be ok! Another thing I have been thinking about lately...Since I was diagnosed with cancer and had my surgery, I have NEVER had a stomach ache. Other than the regular stomach pains that come with surgical healing and occasional adhesion pain, I have had absolutely NO stomach aches. This is a big deal. I use to live with stomach pain. It was something I always had. It was my one and only symptom. It was something I would have never suspected was cancer. It must have started out small and just as time went by it was something I just dealt with. I thought I had iritible bowl or something like that. I would eat...the pain would come. Sometimes I would just get stomach aches for no reason. It was normal...to me. I never had bowel changes, no blood in my stool or constipation (well except for that one time!). I was normal...It was something everyone had, right? WRONG. But now that it has been diagnosed, and fixed and I am free of cancer invading my bowel....I have not had a single stomach ache. It is wonderful! I love it. This is probably one reason I dread the colon prep. I just wanted to give a little update. I am doing great. I love being a cancer survivor!

Dreams

I had a flashback moment! Last night I was laying in bed, and just as I was about to close my eyes for the last time and go to that place that feels so good...I heard it. The sound of my chemo pump. Well, the same sound that my chemo pump use to make at night and for the ENTIRE 46 hours I would have to lug around that awful pump that was attached to me. It was like a mini nightmare in the blink of an eye. I heard that sound and it brought me right back to last year. It was terrible. I have been thinking about my cancer treatments lately, and mostly my chemo. I have a friend that has a close friend going through it right now. She calls on me to comfort her and answer her questions. I do not mind. In fact it makes me feel like a seasoned pro. Although I do not claim to be any kind of cancer/chemo pro, I do know what I went through and what it is like. I comfort her. I give her advice. I let her know that there is an end in sight... I am planning on meeting with her friend when he is out of the hospital and feeling up to it. I want to give him support and encouragement and let him know that it will not be forever. That there is an end. That I do know how awful it is and I have great empathy for him. Cancer is a bitch.

My baby is turning 3 tomorrow. Time is going by so fast. It's wierd how when things really suck, time seems to just kind of stop, and then when things are great...it just skips on past you and before you know it, your baby is 3. 3! 3!! 3!!! Not that i want my baby to be a baby anymore, because I am really enjoying this age...but it would be nice if she would just kind of pause for a minute and let me breath and take her in. I'm in love with her. More than any momma could ever be in love with a child. I remember clearly this time 3 years ago... I didn't want to go to sleep because I just KNEW we would be going to the hospital. I just knew it... and then...we got the call at 3 am! We rushed to pick up her birthmom and dad and drive them to the hospital. Andrew and I were beyond excited, and nervous and more than anything scared. Scared of the unknown...scared of what COULD happen, and scared for what we wanted to happen. We had wanted a baby for so long to make our marriage into the family we always dreamed of. We couldn't have been given a more perfect child for us. She is everything I would possibly want in a child. She has the best of both of us and I think we couldn't have created a more perfect child for us. We are blessed. My mom mentioned to me today how she feels that my cancer was a blessing. I'm not sure I would go as far as she did in describing my past year and cancer as a BLESSING, but she is right...there are things that have come to be because of my cancer. I have stopped to take things in. I have stepped back and decided what is really important. As much as I totally miss my old life...my old everything, I am enjoying the time with my daughter, being a MOM, a WIFE, an AUNT, a DAUGHTER, a SISTER, and really really really enjoying it. I love being me again...and better than that...an even BETTER me! (well...on the inside anyway! :)) I just wanted to make a quick post to let you know (if I do still have any readers :)... that I am living, loving life, doing fine and happy. Cancer wise...I have an appointment in 1 week for a port flush. Those monthly appointments really make the time fly. I've convinced myself that I am keeping my port until my next set of scans. I have this weird thing about jinxing myself and right now...keeping it puts me at ease. It is funny how I use to dread having my port accessed...mainly because it meant I was getting chemo, which sucked, but also it reminded me every time that I had CANCER... now it kind of reminds me that I don't have cancer... and it comforts me. Plus I'm a chicken and not ready to have it removed. So...enjoy the rest of your week. I'm going to love on my two year old for the last time tonight... and enjoy our fun day tomorrow of celebrating 3! We have a fabulous day planned! Today was a great day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better...CAKE, ICE CREAM and PRESENTS....who could ask for more???! :)

beautiful weekend...

Camping at the lake was fabulous! Charly loved her first camping trip (minus the showers in the bath house), and can't wait to go again in May! I live for weekends like this! As promised...pictures..

almost like Christmas...

I have never been this excited before. Well...it has been a long time! In 2 days we are leaving for our first camping trip with Charly! When we got her, we sold our boat and our camper knowing we wouldn't be camping at least for the first year or so...looking back now, we could have...we should have! Last year I missed out on a full year of camping! It was awful! This year will be different. We have bought another boat (Andrew's toy) and most recently we replaced our missing camper with a bigger, nicer, newer one, and I am so excited to use it! Charly is excited too! She has not stopped talking about camping! We bought her a pink fishing pole and she has been practicing! The girl has got it down. She will out fish us all...I promise you that! I'm pretty sure life could not get much better than this!

I'm looking forward to the nice weather, the lake, sitting by the fire, and enjoying my family!!! Pictures to come!

the way it feels....

There have been a few mornings that I sit either on the front porch, or in my livingroom looking out the big window into my front yard and admire my beautiful red bud tree, and I think to myself...It feels good to feel good. You really don't know how good you feel, until the only way you feel is bad. I am over joyed that I am getting back to "normal" and feeling good. It almost makes my last year a big blur to me...something I would like to forget, and then again, something I want to remember. I don't want to go back to last year for anything, but it has definitely opened my eyes to an entirely new life for me. I sit and think about amazing things. I realize just how special life is. I feel good.

Time just keeps on going...I had my 3 month cancer free check up. My appointment was good. My CT Scan came back good. My labs are good. I got the all clear to remove my port, and that couldn't make me happier! (Now I just have to schedule that!) The next thing I get to look forward to is my yearly colonoscopy...oh joy! This time around I will go into it with a smile on my face and grateful!!! I won't be going number 2 in a bag, and that is a huge, HUGE, HUGE relief to me. (sorry if that was a little too much info for you!)

Although I thought I was ready to get back to working full time, I have decided to be kind to myself. I feel like I missed out on last year with my baby, and I have opted to stay home with her and enjoy her a little longer! We are becoming "best friends" and I am thoroughly loving every minute of being around her. She tests me, and keeps me on my toes. I have definitely been blessed with a hand full!

Sorry my updates have not been as frequent. Life is definitely great at the moment, and I and soaking it all in. It just feels good to feel good!

quick update...

Going to the oncologist is never fun. I hate being surrounded by cancer patients and sick people, some of which are dying. It is just plain uncomfortable. Nobody likes being around sick people...not even sick people! Really, nobody wants to be surrounded by cancer patients either...not even cancer patients. It is just not my idea of fun. I sit there thinking about how they are feeling and what must be going through their heads...because probably at one time I was feeling the same way, or thinking the same thoughts. My heart literally aches for them. My mom thinks I should be an oncology nurse...I disagree. I do however feel that all oncology nurses and physicians should go through a round of chemo...whether they need it or not...heck, it could be beneficial and preventative as well as teach them a thing or two about what chemo is really like...about what CANCER is REALLY like. It down right sucks. Every time I go back to the oncologist I see a new young person and my heart breaks a little more. It is heart wrenching to watch a young couple console eachother before a chemo treatment. I get to witness this. It's rough. Be thankful if you have never had a close relationship with cancer...it's no walk in the park.

So...I went in Friday for my scan. CT Scans are not my friend. I am not a fan of barium, although I can't complain. The last two CT Scans I got, came with a lovely surprise...barium enema. NO THANK YOU! Thank goodness my doctor here doesn't do that. It is just rather unpleasant and humiliating. So this time I gladly drank my barium, knowing there would be no surprise waiting for me.

I did the regular weigh in (worst part of the visit!) and sat down to get my port accessed. HURT LIKE HELL...I'll definitely be thankful when that sucker is out. My blood was drawn for routine labs and then my visit with the doctor...

She is such a great doctor and listens to me and is very compassionate. I am thankful I found her. I did not learn much from this visit and she wants to see me back on Friday for the results of my CT Scan. She also ordered an MRI for my leg pain. Probably a torn meniscus, but we're checking for sure. Nothing to fix the neuropathy in my hands and feet at this time, as it comes and goes, except your regular old IBUPROFIN.

All in all, the day was ok and went rather smoothly. I will update after my appointment on Friday!

moving in the right direction...

I never imagined getting another job. Silly me! I loved my job at the prison and the group of people I worked with mixed together so nicely to create my own family away from home. I loved it. I never had a job that I woke up every morning WANTING to go to work. I became close friends with many of the people that worked there and in my heart I was content to stay for a very long time. That didn't last long. My time was quickly up. Thank you very much Stage III colon cancer....yes, you definitely suck. You suck for many reasons, but one of my biggest reasons is because you made me leave the comfort of my home away from home...my life...my love...my job! So...now after clinging to every piece of fiber my old life and old job had to offer me...I have had to move on and start a new journey. SCARY! Not so much in the fact that I had to start a new job...but maybe more that I am branching out and going to be connected to an entirely new group of people and they don't know me. They aren't my family...yet!
Hind sight is a funny thing. I look back on my last year and think to myself..."self...that wasn't so bad". Then I look back on this blog and think, "self, what are you saying...that totally sucked!". Now that I am past the worst part, some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days I think this "emotional" stuff is the hard part. All I know is...I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE A YEAR LIKE THAT AGAIN!
So...I've been enjoying the last few months of working when I want to, staying home with my daughter when I want to, cooking meals for my family (thank you pinterest), cleaning my home and watching trash tv (because nothing else is on during the day). It is time for me to go back to work. Not only because I have caught my daughter chanting "JERRY, JERRY, JERRY" from another room...because seriously...I don't let her watch that trash...but I need some routine, some normalcy, a life! I need to find myself again, to have those connections again and to move on. I need to live.
I finally think I found "THE JOB" that I will like, and hopefully LOVE. The one that will make my heart swell with pride, with love, with accomplishment! Working at a free clinic in downtown KC should prove to be interesting and never have a boring moment! I am looking forward to it. Although I will miss being able to snuggle with Charly in the morning, have picnics with her on the front step, go on adventures with her during the day, and just PLAY...I think it will be good for both of us to get back to a life we both love...structure, routine...life.
I seem to do much better on a schedule, as does she! I am looking forward to it all, and not because I am trying to convince myself it is what we need, what I need...but because, really...it is what I want!

A week from today I will have my 3 month CT Scan. Is this scary to me...HELL YES! I worry about what could happen. I go to bed at night and think...I never got a brain scan...my head hurts...could it be cancer? I have had a pain from my left knee to my foot...holy crap...I have bone cancer now. The back of my right ear itches throughout the day...skin cancer maybe? I'm serious! You can't have a pain, itch or weird feeling without thinking you have cancer. Am I going to live the rest of my life like this? I'm afraid of that. And let me tell you...it is no fun! I am nervous for the CT scan, but there is something deep down that tells me I will be fine. I've got to catch a break somewhere...now is my time!

The day after my CT scan is our first home visit for our home study. Yes, we are at it again. Completing classes for foster care/adoption and getting a home study. We most definitely want to expand our family, and more than that...Charly desperately needs a sibling. (Because believe me...I don't desperately need more work and responsibility added to my life...but I would gladly take it on!). If you are reading this and know someone...know of a baby...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME!!!! I know there are babies out there...I just need to find one! :) My family is not complete yet...

So...there is alot going on the next few weeks...CT scan, home visit, starting a new job March 5th!!!, and my days of hanging with my baby are coming to a close...I have another week to soak it up, and believe me...I WILL!

Today is going to be a fabulous day...and I'm sure tomorrow will be even better!

happy anniversary...

Wednesday marks my 1 year anniversary of the day I started chemo. I feel silly having these "anniversaries", but they mean so much to me. I asked my husband last week, "what did we do last year on the day after valentines day?"....he didn't know. My heart was crushed a little. Then I thought about it. There were many "firsts" for me this past year that were HUGE events in my life, and maybe not so huge to anyone else... My first surgery, my diagnosis, the day I got my port, my first day of chemo, when I got rid of my colostomy bag, when I stopped chemo, when I became "cancer free"... then there were the not so big events, that were still big events...the first time I changed my colostomy by myself, when my steri strips came off, when my drains got pulled, when I finally pooped again...some seem silly, but all were big deals to me. This past year was so big that sometimes I haven't even had a chance to sit back and realize what all I really went through. I mean...I feel it with ever step I take now, thanks to the horrible pain I have been left with in my feet, and I see it when I look in the mirror only to realize that the person looking back is not "me"...that I don't feel like me...that I've been through this battle and came out on the other end victorious, but damaged...older, fatter and definitely more painful...but I have to be thankful for making it to the other side and winning. I may have some battle wounds to fix, but I am here, I am healthy, I am alive. I get to be around to enjoy everything, and I do! I breath in my daughter, I soak up my husband, I wake up every morning grateful for what I have, what I have accomplished, and for what is to come. For an entire year, cancer was my life...now I'm gearing up for an entire year of fighting the effects of cancer...and I believe this battle may be a little tougher. I have pain to deal with, weight to loose and a lifestyle to change. I want to live to watch my family grow, to see my daughter's children grow and to enjoy every minute of it. I celebrate my last year's anniversaries because they were big...I mean...BIG! My outcome could have been much different...I rejoice in what I have, what I've accomplished and what I won. I will continue to celebrate my "anniversaries", even if they only meant something to me....even if I am the only one to acknowledge them...they are my days...my celebrations...my accomplishments...and they are BIG!

Happy Anniversary Jen! You did it. You survived. You rocked chemo and kicked cancers arse. Celebrate!

Today was a great day...but I'm betting tomorrow will be even better!

1 year....

I woke up this morning...


A year ago today my life was saved. A year ago today I was thrown into a journey that lasted the entire year. By the way...2011 you really sucked. A year ago today I was a different person.

I made it! I made it through this year and came out on top. Today I will celebrate my achievment. I will rejoice in the fact that I am now cancer free...chemo free...poop bag free...I am free.

So much can happen in a year. I am proof.